Usually Transvestites Are More Convincing

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That's A Long Way To Go For A Rodney Dangerfield Reference

I know I said I wasn't going to watch this game, and I'd rather it ends in a nuclear holocaust so there is no Super Bowl. But I am watching it, and I'm at my computer, so...


You get no respect because your team went 8-8 in the regular season and was 3-7 outside their awful division.

Not sure how a person could think they would get away with this...

Regardless, Larry Fitzgerald is the fucking man.

Go Giants!

"Look At It Dave": A Photo Retrspective [The Fack Youk Experience]

In case you missed this post, we got tickets to the Knicks game last night through www.scalpers.com, er, I mean... StubHub. They weren't that expensive but I still hate StubHub with a passion. They charged us a $36 fee because it was within a certain amount of time before the game began. That is pretty ballsy. I can't imagine why it would cost you more to give me a ticket at one time as opposed to another. You're just being dicks about it. That's the same pricing system the airlines used, and see where that got them? That horrible site led to the extinction of truly cheap tickets, but no one really seems to care. Fuck you StubHub. Fuck you over a rusty park bench.

Anyway, I'm roughly 103% certain that the charges against Eddie Curry are false. Stuff like this always is. We've heard this one a million times, highly paid but underachieving athlete is sued by a personal employee for making homosexual advances. No? Okay, but his driver seems like a bit of a nut job and an anonymous commenter said he knew him and that he's a weirdo (INFALLIBLE!). That doesn't make this any less funny, to us anyway...

We made a two part sign. One (decoy) that said "Lets Go Knicks", and one taped (via a duct tape "hinge" of sorts) underneath that said "Look At It, Dave" and in the process became the oldest people to ever carry a sign to an NBA game without a child in their presence.

Phase One:

Phase Two:Nothing more bad-ass than a Sunday River face warmer.

What we failed to realize during the 25 minute half-drunken flurry that resulted in obtaining the necessary supplies and creating this abortion of an artistic work, is that you can't see fucking orange marker from across a semi-dark arena. We had a friend of a friend sitting about four rows back from the court and told us the only words he could read were "Look" & "It".

We probably would have known this if we were the type of asshats who would actually bring a sign to a professional sporting event for a reason other than to make a joke that about 5% of the people at the game are going to get in the eight possible seconds we would have been on the jumbo-tron.

I was skeptical at first, but the "Knicks City Kids" are downright ridiculous (Terrible picture, sorry. Didn't want to be the creepy guy with the sign taking multiple pictures of 8 year olds). I'm pretty sure they chain them up in an abandoned subway car underneath Penn Station and allow them to do nothing other than practice dancing.

MSG is nice enough to give you a lid to help you avoid spilling your beer on other people on your way back to your seat. It's a nice thought. However, they fill the beers up to the very brim and when you walk, it makes the keg swill inside foam up, thereby creating a constant flow of suds through the straw hole. And when you try to take the lid off, it creates some soft of a vortex, causing you to spill more beer.

I'm guessing the total amount of beer spilled has been reduced by the introduction of the lid, but there is absolutely no way to get from the concession stand to your seat with one, much less two beers without your hands and the side of the cup being covered in shitty light beer.

The Knicks City Dancers' routine included a riveting crescendo where they went through about eight sexual positions in four seconds. It was resplendent, I tell you.

What? I'm Trey Anastasio, lead guitarist of the band Phish, shut up. Does that give me more credibility when I try to talk about music?

[Ed. Note: That terrible photoshop took me like 25 minutes and that "joke" got less funny by the second. I spent so much time on it, I still feel compelled to include it though. I really need to figure out how to use Gimp.]

I took this picture so I would remember the final score.

Oh, about the actual game...

We sat next to some chill kids from Philly, who if they are reading this, probably don't think it's funny because they've heard all the punchlines already.

The Knicks actually were within 1 point (or 3 maybe, I don't remember or care) but it got pretty exciting in the fourth quarter. Danilo Galinari drained a three (in his first game back) and Al Harrington made a few as well in a really awesome, signature SSOL(F?) shootout. Andre Iguodala had super sick dunk that I'm sure made the Top Ten on SportsCenter. One of the guards on Philly (not exactly in research mode at the moment) had a silly juke which should have been up there as well, but probably wasn't.

The penultimate moment of the night, that sort of summed up the whole experience, was when Nate Robinson got free on a breakaway. Every single person not in a wheelchair was on their feet, about to have a sportsgasm and he fucking finished it like John Stockton. I wanted to cry. YOU WON THE SLAM DUNK CONTEST YOU AMAZING LITTLE MAN. DUNK FOR ME!

See what I did there? Someone on 35th & Madison is going to be very confused for about 2/3 of a second.

Justin Tuck For D-Coordinator

I'm only half kidding. Have you ever heard this guy talk about football? He says all the right things, works incredibly hard and is never satisfied. He was also at the Knicks game last night that we are about to do a photo retrospective about, and if we weren't in the 200 level I would have ran on the floor when they interviewed him at halftime and hugged him.

I was watching "Inside The NFL" the week after the Steelers' game and he said the following on the sidelines (the only reason I still have this is because I transcribed it and emailed it in to the Max Kellerman show but they never read it on the air... fuck them):

Before the game:

• "Everybody saying, you know, 5-1, Roethlisberger vs. Eli. You know what? F____ the quarterbacks. That ain't what's gonna win this football game."

And right before right before the drive when they got the safety, he said"

• "I just heard their snapper is out. James Harrison is their back up snapper... Let's make them punt the ball right out huurrr!"

Prescient on both counts!

Your move, Jerry Reese.

"Get This Idea Will Just Had" [The Fack Youk Experience]

Clifton: you going to the knicks game tonight?

11:26 AM me (Jay): probably

get this idea just Will had:

we are gonna make a sign that says...

take a guess

Clifton: i was going to say you should make a sign

haha

what?

me: GUESS

11:27 AM Clifton: fack youk and something about curry

me: close, we didn't even think about the fack youk part

"Look At It, Dave"

Clifton: hahaha

11:28 AM me: probably scroll www.fackyou.blogspot.com on the bottom except spell it right

Clifton: they probably aren't going to let you in with thatme: ahhh yes, but here's the genius part

we are going to make two signs and tape them together, with the one on the outside saying something hokey and gay like "Let's Go Knicks" with a basketball or something

11:29 AM Clifton: thats awesome

me: and then bust out "Look At It, Dave" in like the 2nd quarter and see how long it takes to get kicked out by the MSG gestapo

Clifton: that is outstanding

me: we might get some publicity, and it's sort of fucking hilarious

Clifton: there must be a blog post about the experience

11:30 AM me: there will be a preliminary post and a follow up probably

11:31 AM Clifton: good stuff

11:32 AM me: i may or may not just rip this GChat and post it directly on the blog

Clifton: that is not a bad idea either

It Was Only A Matter Of Time [Breaking News]

Spags to the Rams.

Still sucks.

Gruden Out in Tampa Bay [Breaking News]

Indeed, Jon.

According to NFL Network's Adam Schefter, Jon Gruden has been fired as Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Wow. This offseason must have set a record for the amount of revolutions of the Coaching Carousel.

Gruden was victimized by Defensive Coordinator Monte Kiffin's decision to leave for the University of Tennessee to join his son Lane. He led the Bucs to the Super Bowl in 2002, but was 45-51 with two playoff losses since. Bad timing to be fired due to the fact that many vacancies have been filled.

Spags to Tampa? "Chucky" to the Jets?

Wilpon: Money Ain't A Thang

Rob Neyer quotes Will Leitch in more depth than I'm about to, but here's what Will's blog post for the New Yorker boils down to:

The Yankees are opening a new stadium and, as a result, changing the economic infrastructure of baseball with their spending. The Mets are opening a new stadium and are being outbid for their target free agents. Bernie Madoff might not to be blame. But something must be.

I'm sure there is some feeling of impending doom when the future $400M sponsor of their new digs is depending on a $20B fix from Uncle Sam. But the Mets have the same built-in advantages, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent, that the Yankees do. They are moving into a brand new ballpark, they play in a gigantic market and have public transportation piping fans right into said park. They have a share in a major regional sports network and are owned by a family whose wealth stretches far beyond their baseball team-related holdings. The $300M Fred Wilpon lost in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme really had no effect on their offseason spending? None? Really?

Yes, they acquired K-Rod and J.J. Putz to shore up their porous bullpen. Excellent work. But both Leitch and Neyer point to a distinct lack of starting rotation depth. Let's start from the top:

1. Johan Santana - Awesome.
2. Mike Pelfrey - Great last year, but threw 50 more innings than the year before. As Neyer points out, has an alarmingly low strikeout rate.
3. John Maine - Good when healthy but had shoulder problems at the end of last year and has never thrown more than 191 innings in a single season.
4. Tim Redding? - Don't look at his (NL!) numbers if you've eaten recently. And no, I don't think he sucks because of the one inning of six run ball he "pitched" for the Yanks in 2005.
5. ????
6. Ron Darling

Were they waiting for the guy to change his name to Derek Lowez? Derek Lowe would have been a terrific stabilizing presence in the middle of their rotation. For similar money, they still could probably sign Oliver Perez who, like basically every other free agent this offseason is looking at potential deals far smaller than he expected. But Perez is the model of inconsistency, while Lowe is the exact opposite.

Perez gives up fly balls and walks while Lowe gives up neither. You can count on Lowe to put together a competent start almost every time he takes the mound, where Perez is bound to have a 5 walk, seven earned run shitshow where he gets pulled in the 2nd inning once in a while, like this one. Lowe only had 3 games where he went fewer than 4 innings last year and one was in his last appearance of the season when he had yet to give up a run.

The Mets' corner OF spots are occupied by Ryan Church, who is a pretty big question mark coming off his concussion shortened season last year, and Fernando Tatis/Nick Evans/Daniel Murphy? I would probably avoid Manny since they are in the NL, but Adam Dunn and Bobby Abreu are pretty nice fits at the prices they are going to end up at, despite their marginal fielding.

If I'm a Mets fan, I don't know who I hate more: Bernie Madoff for stealing Fred Wilpon's money or Wilpon for saying that losing $300M doesn't matter, then not taking the necessary steps to improve the team after two Hindenburg-ian late season meltdowns. All I know is that Bernie Madoff didn't just steal the Wilpon's money, he stole Derek Lowez, Adam Dunnito and their graphic design budget.

LoHud Of The Rings

Arranged in a clandestine meeting of the blogsmen early this morning, we have been granted the privilege by Wailin' Suzyn of IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS... caught to show their their groundbreaking Yankeeography "Peter Abraham: LoHud Of The Rings." This masterpiece chronicles the beat writer's ascent through the hellish environments of UMass Amherst and the Mets' beat via the use of his Thesaurus to the top of the sports world... covering the Yankees. Truly epic.



Be sure to check out their blog. It's satirical, snarky and irreverent, which means if you're reading this, it's probably right up your alley.

Here is an example, based on our (least) favorite Red Sock.

ESPN Widget Headlines Compelling, Current

Sorry for the poor quality, but here is the story they are linking to. The time stamp is from three days ago. ESPN, you're making newspapers look up-to-the-second.

Quarterback of the Week

Regardless of their respective performances on Sunday, Donovan McNabb, Kurt Warner, Joe Flacco or Ben Roethlisberger will not be the Quarterback of the Week.

That honor belongs to U.S. Airways Flight 1549 Pilot Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III who cooly navigated his engineless plane over the city and landed it in the Hudson River. After his miraculous landing, Sullenberger walked the plane twice after everybody else was off, and tried to verify that there was nobody else on board.

According to news reports, (and his website) Sullenberger has been studying the psychology of keeping airline crews functioning even in the face of crisis.*

Headcase atheletes (A-Rod, Romo) should read about crisis management and other psychological literature so they do not let their fans and teammates down. Selfish athletes (cough T.O., cough) should take notice of "Sully's" selfless behavior.

[Ed. Note: Malcom Gladwell's (poorly named but compellingly written) book called Outliers discusses the implications of cultural dynamics in precisely these situations (among other things). It delves into concepts such as power distance and dissects the causes or Korean Air Flight 801 and other airbone tragedies. Seriously, read it. Just like his other books, it's good.

And no, I did not get paid to write that.]

Todd Drew, Rest In Peace

Some sad news coming from the Bronx Banter yesterday. Alex Belth had the unfortunate task of informing the Yankees Blogosphere that Todd Drew of Yankees for Justice and the Bronx Banter lost his fight with cancer.

Todd's feature, "Shadow Games" at the Banter was something I thoroughly enjoyed. He did a wonderful job portraying the mood of the Bombers faithful through his stories. He was one hell of a writer and an even bigger Yankees fan.

Below is Todd's final comment under his post about baseball and his cancer:

25. Todd Drew
December 23rd, 2008 at 5:10 am
thelarmis, I'm getting ready to go to the hospital and I wanted to check in one last time. I am really touched by your comments. You really made my day. I love writing here because I love baseball and all the people in the game. Your support means more than you will ever know. I would love to meet you when you're in town. My email is shadowgames@earthlink.net.

Thanks to everyone at Bronx Banter for your support. I'll be fine because I'm already wearing my Derek Jeter T-shirt. The Captain always brings everyone home.

Our thoughts go out to the family and friends of Todd Drew.

T.O. Release or Not T.O. Release: That is The Question

The Dallas Cowboys are apparently undergoing chemo to rid themselves of the locker room cancers that have turned perhaps the most talented NFL team into mere ESPN Coverage Champions and employment guarantors of Ed Werder.

Already in this young offseason they have severed ties with Adam “Don’t Call Me Pacman” Jones (although according to him they are merely giving him rain check). According to ESPN, the Cowboys are also considering letting free agent DT Tank Johnson go unsigned. This is understandable, given the fact that Tank has not accomplished much with the ‘Boys. But the rumors do not stop there. Also according to ESPN, the Cowboys are considering severing ties with arguably the best wide receiver in the NFL, Terrell Owens.

T.O., who has been unjustly vilified by the public ever since he asserted his right to be one of the highest paid receivers in the league. When he led the Philadelphia Eagles to their only Super Bowl appearance, he was the only Eagles player to perform well, despite having an injured ankle for which he was required to sign a waiver that stated he would not be owed any future money by the organization in the event that the ankle was injured.

T.O.’s on the field performance has been nothing short of special. In his 3 seasons as a Cowboy he has gained at least 1,000 a year (for an average of about 15 yards per catch) scored at least 10 TDs a year, and been a dual threat over the middle and down the sidelines. Wherever he goes on the field he has drawn double teams and opened up Jason Witten and Patrick Crayton. He also isn’t afraid to throw a downfield block for his RBs or another receiver. Drops aside, I think that you will be hard-pressed to find a more complete receiver in the NFL.

T.O. has shown great loyalty to the organization. He has said that he "definitely" wants to finish his career in Dallas and enter the Hall of Fame as a Cowboy. Unlike his time in San Francisco or Philadelphia, Owens respects his quarterback, even going so far as to pathetically cry for him after defeat to the eventual World Champion New York Football Giants. [Ed. Note: Yesss]

So why release him?

I honestly have no clue why. As Jim Mora would say “Don’t Ask Me!”

Is it because he demands the ball on every play? Show me any top receiver who doesn’t. After looking at his numbers (specifically YPC and TDs), he definitely should get the ball every play.

Is it because of Jason Garrett? Word is that the Cowboys are afraid of losing the so-called offensive genius from Princeton. Garrett, who has a rocky relationship with Owens, has been inconsistent and his play-calling horrendous. Look what he has done with all the talent surrounding him--produced the 13th overall ranked offense in the NFL. Clearly he is dispensable.

Is it because of a rift with TE Jason Witten? I’m a huge Witten fan, but to put Witten before T.O. is putting the proverbial cart before the horse. Without Owens’ double coverage, Jason Witten would be nobody significant. Look at the numbers that back-up TE Martellus Bennett has put up in Witten’s absences.

Is it because of media distractions? You are seriously going to let the media run your team? Why not banish ESPN and Ed Werder from Valley Ranch? Shouldn’t you draft/sign thick-skinned players who will not be “distracted” by being asked questions about a single player who the media has a hard on for and who will be able to live with being a member of so-called “America’s Team?” Maybe you should investigate your signings more.

The man shows up to play his hardest every day. While he is a diva, like most WRs, he is not a felon.

Do not pin the Dallas Cowboys failure on T.O. Following his biggest distraction (PlayGate involving his alleged allegation of Tony Romo and Witten leaving him out of plays), the Cowboys defeated the Giants. It is not his fault that the Cowboys defense let up back-to-back 70+ yard runs against the Baltimore Ravens in Week 17, or Romo fumbled away the game versus the Philadelphia Eagles. It is not his fault that the Offensive Line (led by a partially deaf left tackle in Flozell Adams) could not stop the Giants defensive attack of Michael Strahan, Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyiora in the 2008 Divisional Round or that Romo fumbled a snap against the Seattle Seahawks the year before.

It is not his fault that Wade Phillips is a puppet and offers no leadership, nor his fault that no other player has asserted leadership of the team.

So go ahead, Dallas. Release him. See what happens when all who an erratic, choking QB has to throw to are a possession receiver in Roy Williams and a double-covered Witten. I’ll give you a hint: it will not be winning your first playoff game since 1996.