Giants Figure Out A Way To Win: Do Nothing

Good morning, Fackers. Typically, the bye week during the NFL season is a welcome break for a team, but as much for the fans. A Sunday after the baseball season has concluded and without your NFL team in action seems kind of empty and aimless. However, that extra healing and preparation time is incredibly useful to the teams. And this week was particularly advantageous to the Giants, although they had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Big Blue had their best week since since blowing out the Raiders back on October 11th and they didn't even have to get off their couches. As heartbreaking and inopportune as their last minute loss of the Chargers was last week, it was nearly neutralized by the way the cards fell this weekend.

The Eagles made a trip out to San Diego but lost to the Chargers behind a resurgent LaDanian Tomlinson (96 yards, 2 TDs). The Cowboys visited Lambeau Field and were held scoreless by the Packers until there was less than one minute left in the 4th quarter. This left the 'Boys at (6-3) and the Eagles at (5-4) meaning the G-Men (5-4) are one game out of first place in the NFC and hold the edge in a tiebreaker against the Cowboys (although they don't against Philly).

The Giants' next two opponents, the Falcons and the Broncos, both lost as well. Atlanta outgained the Panthers on offense but two interceptions by Matt Ryan proved to be costly, as the 28-19 loss dropped them to (5-4) - tied with the Giants going into next week's match up. The Broncos suffered a 27-17 loss to the Redskins -their third straight. Kyle Orton was also hurt in the game and is unsure whether he'll be able to play next week. Like the Giants, the Broncos got off to a perfect start but have since hit the skids against some tougher competition and suddenly don't look so hot.

The Saints (9-0), Vikings (8-1) and Cardinals (6-3) all seem to be safe bets to win their respective divisions, but the scrum for the final three playoff spots just got a lot more interesting. The Giants, Eagles, Packers and Falcons are all sitting at (5-4) with the Cowboys just one game ahead. Chicago, Carolina and San Francisco are (4-5) but seem like longshots to end up in the postseason.

The Giants were significantly helped by the way things played out yesterday but have their work cut out for them in the near future. They play the Falcons next week at the Meadowlands and then have to travel to Denver to play on short rest on Thanksgiving. The following two weeks feature showdowns with Cowboys and Eagles.

The picture looks a whole lot rosier for the G-Men than it did after their loss to the Chargers, but that isn't saying all that much. They're squarely in the middle of the pack for the NFC Wild Card spots and will need to distinguish themselves over the next four weeks against stiff competition under difficult circumstances.

Clash Of The Cretins

I didn't know there was a "Daily Show Sports Team", but this is awesome. (h/t Big League Stew)


I'm not sure what they had to tell those people to get them to do so much dumb shit in front of camera (presumably) for free, but it's probably the same kind of spiel that gets girls to take their shirts off for "Girls Gone Wild" or people to interact with Sasha Baron Cohen for Ali G., Bruno or Borat. Apparently it applies to sports as well.

Step 1: Assemble a camera crew. Step 2: Travel to the parking lots of the nearest professional sports arena (preferably football). Step 3: Say you are taping for some sort of a TV show/news program/documentary and, Step 4: Ask a bunch of drunken, idiotic sports fans how much they hate the opposing team. Magic!

Come to think of it, couple this with what we learned in the last post and a small amount of venture capital, and I think we'd have enough content to keep this site running through the end of football season.

Game 26: Tequila Sunrise

It's Cinco De Mayo, the Margaritas are pouring.

We'll be checking in from the Stadium shortly.



If the Yankees don't win, there will be hell to pay (for my liver).

T.O. Release or Not T.O. Release: That is The Question

The Dallas Cowboys are apparently undergoing chemo to rid themselves of the locker room cancers that have turned perhaps the most talented NFL team into mere ESPN Coverage Champions and employment guarantors of Ed Werder.

Already in this young offseason they have severed ties with Adam “Don’t Call Me Pacman” Jones (although according to him they are merely giving him rain check). According to ESPN, the Cowboys are also considering letting free agent DT Tank Johnson go unsigned. This is understandable, given the fact that Tank has not accomplished much with the ‘Boys. But the rumors do not stop there. Also according to ESPN, the Cowboys are considering severing ties with arguably the best wide receiver in the NFL, Terrell Owens.

T.O., who has been unjustly vilified by the public ever since he asserted his right to be one of the highest paid receivers in the league. When he led the Philadelphia Eagles to their only Super Bowl appearance, he was the only Eagles player to perform well, despite having an injured ankle for which he was required to sign a waiver that stated he would not be owed any future money by the organization in the event that the ankle was injured.

T.O.’s on the field performance has been nothing short of special. In his 3 seasons as a Cowboy he has gained at least 1,000 a year (for an average of about 15 yards per catch) scored at least 10 TDs a year, and been a dual threat over the middle and down the sidelines. Wherever he goes on the field he has drawn double teams and opened up Jason Witten and Patrick Crayton. He also isn’t afraid to throw a downfield block for his RBs or another receiver. Drops aside, I think that you will be hard-pressed to find a more complete receiver in the NFL.

T.O. has shown great loyalty to the organization. He has said that he "definitely" wants to finish his career in Dallas and enter the Hall of Fame as a Cowboy. Unlike his time in San Francisco or Philadelphia, Owens respects his quarterback, even going so far as to pathetically cry for him after defeat to the eventual World Champion New York Football Giants. [Ed. Note: Yesss]

So why release him?

I honestly have no clue why. As Jim Mora would say “Don’t Ask Me!”

Is it because he demands the ball on every play? Show me any top receiver who doesn’t. After looking at his numbers (specifically YPC and TDs), he definitely should get the ball every play.

Is it because of Jason Garrett? Word is that the Cowboys are afraid of losing the so-called offensive genius from Princeton. Garrett, who has a rocky relationship with Owens, has been inconsistent and his play-calling horrendous. Look what he has done with all the talent surrounding him--produced the 13th overall ranked offense in the NFL. Clearly he is dispensable.

Is it because of a rift with TE Jason Witten? I’m a huge Witten fan, but to put Witten before T.O. is putting the proverbial cart before the horse. Without Owens’ double coverage, Jason Witten would be nobody significant. Look at the numbers that back-up TE Martellus Bennett has put up in Witten’s absences.

Is it because of media distractions? You are seriously going to let the media run your team? Why not banish ESPN and Ed Werder from Valley Ranch? Shouldn’t you draft/sign thick-skinned players who will not be “distracted” by being asked questions about a single player who the media has a hard on for and who will be able to live with being a member of so-called “America’s Team?” Maybe you should investigate your signings more.

The man shows up to play his hardest every day. While he is a diva, like most WRs, he is not a felon.

Do not pin the Dallas Cowboys failure on T.O. Following his biggest distraction (PlayGate involving his alleged allegation of Tony Romo and Witten leaving him out of plays), the Cowboys defeated the Giants. It is not his fault that the Cowboys defense let up back-to-back 70+ yard runs against the Baltimore Ravens in Week 17, or Romo fumbled away the game versus the Philadelphia Eagles. It is not his fault that the Offensive Line (led by a partially deaf left tackle in Flozell Adams) could not stop the Giants defensive attack of Michael Strahan, Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyiora in the 2008 Divisional Round or that Romo fumbled a snap against the Seattle Seahawks the year before.

It is not his fault that Wade Phillips is a puppet and offers no leadership, nor his fault that no other player has asserted leadership of the team.

So go ahead, Dallas. Release him. See what happens when all who an erratic, choking QB has to throw to are a possession receiver in Roy Williams and a double-covered Witten. I’ll give you a hint: it will not be winning your first playoff game since 1996.

That Was Painful

[This column brought to you by the 8% of me that doesn't want to try to punch a hole through a brick wall right now]

Nothing like a home playoff loss against a divisional rival by your favorite team to ruin an otherwise unbelievably awesome weekend.

This is one of those times when you are reminded that loving a sports team can be a steaming pile of baby diapers just like all other aspects of life. It was nice to watch the GMen when they were a red giant with an 11-1 record, mowing down six teams with a winning record in a row. It was not as nice to watch them dwindle into a white dwarf in a game against a team who benched their starting QB during the season and had to hit a hot streak and got fairly lucky just to sneak into the playoffs.

I'm not going to get into the officiating because that's something that fans of losing teams like to cling to, instead of acknowledging that their team wasn't good enough for that not to matter. I'm not going to get into the play calling because Kevin Gilbride knows way fucking more about football than I ever will.

Maybe it was the wind, but Eli Manning was tossing up wounded ducks the likes of which have not been seen in quite some time. The once sanctified offensive line wasn't pancaking would-be tacklers at anywhere near the rate they were when the Giants were universally considered of the best team in, as Mark Schlereth might say, THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Derrick Ward probably gave back some of the money he made himself when he violated the Panthers to the tune of 215 yards on 15 carries.

The playoff flame-out doesn't completely take away from the awesomeness of that Panthers game, the undressing of the Ravens, or the victories IN Arizona and IN Pittsburgh. It's just that now we are left with horrific hypothetical ponderance that is... "What If".

I fucking hate "What If". "What If" sucks a bag of dicks.

Tomorrow is going to be one of the rare days where work will be a welcome break from sports. I don't want to listen to Mike & Mike state the obvious, apply some hindpsychology, and talk about Plaxico Burress. I'm sure Max Kellerman will spin his take around, so he won't be eating any humble pie after proclaiming Eli Manning as the best QB in the NFL. I'd guess what Michael Kay's take is going to be, but trying to predict what such a nimble mind would say is a rabbit hole I don't want to go down.

Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I'll forget that the one team that links me to my childhood and that I truly take pride in (sorry, Yanks), just laid an egg that next Sunday will hatch into the 8-8 Arizona Cardinals, who were 3-7 outside of their historically shitty division, hosting the all-faggy-bird-team-name NFC Championship. I hate the anticlimactic nature of the BCS, but this just goes to show that even a single elimination playoff system isn't going to tie up all the loose ends either. I'm the type of person who will watch the pretty much all of the playoffs in any sport because of the inherent do-or-die drama, but I just might have to take this one off.

In the words of Bob Seger: "No matter what you dream, or feel, or say, it ends in dust and disarray"

HEY YOU!!

YEA YOU IN THE WESTBROOK JERSEY!















(Photo skills provided by Kevy Kev)

Giants Upcoming Matchup

Hello All,

Is everyone else as excited as I am for their first week of work in 2009er (Did I catch a niner in there)? As you may know i haven't really worked for the past 2 weeks so this is especially awesome for me.)

On to my point, with the exciting games on Saturday and the shitty, unbearably boring games Sunday we have learned that our beloved Defending Champion New York Football Giants of New Jersey will be playing the Eagles of Philadelphia. Going into this past weekend, I really didn't care who won because I figured the GMen will skull fuck whoever they play anyway. After this weeks games I feel the same way. However, all we are going to hear this week is how the Eagles are going to win, the Eagles are last years Giants, the Eagles beat he Giants in the Meadowlands 4 weeks ago, etc., etc.

FUCK THAT SHIT!!!

And here is why.

First of all, what from that abortion of a game would lead anyone to think that the Eagles could beat the Giants? Was it the one 71 yard screen pass to Westbrook, the inability of T. Jackson to thrown the ball, the ineptitude of Brad Childress (and everyone on Minnesota except Purple Jesus and C. Taylor)? The Eagles played like shit and beat a team that barely beat the Giants 2nd string.

The key to beating the Eagles is running the ball. This is why the Giants lost last time they played: Brandon Jacobs was out. Now, I believe that Derrick Ward can carry the load without Jacobs, but there is no denying that Jacobs is the premier playmaker on this offense. Also, that last game four weeks ago was Week 1 LAB (Life After Burress). So, not only is your best RB out, but your best WR is out too. The Giants are still a very dangerous team without Burress, but they obviously will need some adjustment time to revamp the offensive to work with their personnel.

So the Eagles will now have to come into a very hostile stadium and play a team that is has been resting for pretty much three weeks and has their brusier of a RB back and a passing attack that will be brand new to them.

The only thing that startles me a little is Antonio Pierce. He has been getting torched all season by various TE and RB, including Westbrook (Note: middle LB needs to be addressed in the first round of this years draft). I think that he will probably give up a few plays, but I fully expect the Giants offense to be too much for the Eagles to handle.

Will's Prediction:
GMen 27
Eagles 17

Other Writers' Average Prediction:
Gmen 10
Eagles 198

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part IV]

[This is part III of the several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity. Here are Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 if you missed them.]

I moved to Philadelphia over two and a half years ago after spending the majority of my life in Upstate New York. While this has been a great experience, both personally and professionally, it has also opened my eyes to by far the worst group of people on the face of the Earth. Yes, I am talking about the fan base of the Philadelphia Eagles. I am not saying this just because I am a fan of the defending Super Bowl Champion New York Football Giants; I can promise you I would be saying the same if I were a Broncos fan.

Prior to moving to the City of Brotherly Love, my perception of the stereotype of an Eagles fan was that they were a bunch of blue-collar, hard working guys who live and die by the team, do not take kindly to opposing fans in their stadium and boo anything in sight. This could not be further from the truth, and I would respect them a whole lot more if this were accurate. No, they are degenerate idiots, who know nothing about football, their team, sports, or reality in general. Everything about the Eagles screams trashy, from the awful people that call into the Howard Eskin show, to the ghetto tailgate, to the trashy drunk girl in the stands screaming at everyone in her immediate vicinity, but can't name 3 players on the field (come to think of it, this probably describes 60% of the stadium).

I have been having a tough time deciding how to properly outline just how awful this group of human beings really is, so I have decided to lay out a few points and expound on what exactly has led to such a deep hatred after just two and a half years.

1. Eagles Fans Are Not Tough (like they claim to be): Last season, all I heard was how awful the Giants were and how embarrassing it must be to be a Giants fan. Well that went out the door after the Giants' Super Bowl run and not one of these people would respond to a text or call for weeks. If I were on the receiving end, and in the slight possibility the Giants were to lose this weekend, I would be a stand-up guy and admit defeat to everyone I have been talking shit to all year. Not Eagles fans. They are a bunch of 2nd rate, crying babies who like to talk tough before the game is played on the field, and disappear when they lose.
   
2. Eagles Fans Are Racist: This is the only explanation for the hatred of Donovan McNabb. The man has led them to 8 playoff wins in 10 years and a Super Bowl appearance, yet they despise him and want to run him out of town after every incompletion. They claim all that matters is a Super bowl, yet not one QB in an Eagles uniform has ever won one, even their all time favorite QB, Ronald Vincent "Jaws" Jaworski who just happens to be white (and is possibly one of the most annoying human beings in the world). McNabb is the Eagles all-time leader in every category that matters, yet they hate him with a passion.
   
3. Eagles Fans Do Not Watch The Game: I have had the unfortunate experience of attending about 5 games at Lincoln Financial Field over the past couple of years. Each time, only a handful of fans in my section were paying attention to the game; the rest were looking for fans in an away jersey to chant “Asshole, Asshole, Asshole” at (I think Philly kids are taught in school to do this). In addition, I watched last weekend’s Vikings-Eagles matchup with a number of Eagles "fans.” I saw much more of the game than any of them, but sure enough when the Eagles barely beat a mediocre team, they went on tell me how badly the Giants were going to lose.


4. Eagles Fans Wear Their Jerseys Everywhere: This is the most annoying aspect of Eagles fans. THEY WEAR THEIR FUCKING JERSEYS EVERYWHERE! It is awful. I swear to you, if you go to a Phillies game in June, you will see Eagles jerseys everywhere. And I am not talking about a nice throw back or an authentic jersey, I am talking about the ugly as fuck black cheap ones. If this is not bad enough, they have the nerve to sit at a Phillies or Sixers or Flyers game and scream at the top of the lungs (in their hideous black jerseys) the most dreaded chant in all of sports, E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES! Hey asshole, do you realize you are at baseball game in June, or are you just trying to annoy the shit out of me?

These people are like gnats. They are everywhere and while they are more or less harmless (see point number 1), the mere sight of them annoys the absolute shit out of you. I must admit, this does not describe the entire fan base. Many of my local friends are Eagles fans and most are objective, reasonable fans like you or me. However, I think I found the only ten sane fans in the entire city. I want nothing more than the Giants to win 107-0 on Sunday and listen to them bitch and whine for the next six months about how much Andy Reid sucks and McNabb has never won a big game. All I will do is remind them our goofy looking QB has.

LET'S GO G-MEN!!!!!!!!!!!

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part III]

[This is Part III of the several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity. Here are Part 1, and Part 2 if you missed them.]

Up until this season I was a Dallas Cowboys fan so I have plenty of experience hating the Philadelphia shEagles and their pathetic, boorish, racist fans (with the exception of my sister and her two children—poor kids).

For me the event that perfectly characterizes these sub-humans is the cheering of Michael Irvin’s 1999 career-ending neck injury while he lied motionless for 20 minutes on Veteran’s Stadium rat-infested carpet. Many fans in the crowd of 66,669 cheered when they realized Irvin was hurt, and again when paramedics wheeled a stretcher onto the field. "Unspeakable, even for us," proclaimed a headline in the Philadelphia Daily News.

While The Playmaker is not liked by non-Cowboys fans due to the fact he was a U graduate, his multitude of moral and legal indiscretions and crazy success against their teams, I think the only individuals who people should take pride in seeing suffer are rapists or murderers.

The next events that raise ire about Iggles fans are:

•Booing of Santa Claus—Seriously?
•A municipal court in Veterans Stadium/The Linc—Because there are tons of reasons to get in fights at sporting events
•Fans pelted national TV broadcasters with snowballs during a Cowboys-Eagles game in 1989—WTF did TV broadcasters do?
•Booing of Donovan McNabb at the 1998 Draft—What did he do wrong?

My sister was also at an Eagles-Cowboys game a few years ago at The Linc when McNabb threw a game-winning Pick 6 that all of Philly fans around her starting yelling racist remarks at McNabb—even little kids! She was embarrassed to be a fellow fan.

How about their “Fly Eagles Fly” song and fans flapping their arms like wings after a touchdown? Grow the fack up!

Enough about the fans. How about the organization?

Owner Jeffrey Lurie is a scumbag and a horrible owner. Like T.O. or not, Lurie should have given him a new contract after T.O. had to sign that waiver to play in Super Bowl XXXIX and was the only one to perform (Donovan McNabb’s digestive system notwithstanding). He has given Head Coach Andy Reid a blank check despite Reid not accomplishing anything and spending too much time with his sons’ heroin and firearms problems. Reid is a fat fack who needs to pay attention to his team and re-learn how to call plays.

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part I]

[For much of the 2009 season, the Eagles have been an afterthought to the Giants and their fanbase. After the Week 10 victory, the Giants were 8-1 and on the fast track to the #1 seed in the NFC, while the Eagles were 5-4 and trying to collect themselves for a second half run.

When they met in Week 13, the Giants clinched the NFC East despite a 20-14 loss. Maybe the Super Bowl victory took some of the edge off of our antipathy towards the team that traditionally takes top billing as the most hated divisional rival. Maybe it's because the Cowboys with all their "superstars" and drama became the primary targets of Giants' fan disdain.

As a result, we have decided to provide some kindling for the hot coals of contempt for the Eagles that smolder deep within each Giants fan with a special several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity]

[Part I - By: Jay]

If you've gone out drinking on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, there's a chance you've been to Bourbon Street. If you've ever gone out drinking anywhere, you've almost definitely been to a place just like it.

It's your prototypical dive bar, with ladies undergarments stapled to the ceiling and kitchy signs and antiquey-looking trash hung on the wall like its some sort of R-Rated Applebee's. The playlist every Friday and Saturday night consists of the same cliched 80's songs like "Livin' On a Prayer", "Jessie's Girl" and "I Love Rock and Roll". In fact, they even do a cut rate Coyote Ugly imitation to "Pour Some Sugar On Me", where the female bartenders pour shots of some brightly colored vodka combination down patrons' gullets at a specific time every weekend night (I couldn't tell you exactly what time, for a variety of reasons).

I may or may not have stumbled out of there few years ago on New Years Day at about 9AM. It's the rare kind of place in NYC that actually has good specials like 50 cent (12 oz.) Bud drafts every Thursday and Friday from 9 to 11. The place does have some uses.

One of those uses is for watching football. They have a ton of TVs, and if you get there fairly early on a Sunday, you can grab a stool at the bar or a seat at a table with a perfect view of a TV with your team's game on it. They don't make their own food, so they allow you to bring your own in, and the Bud Lights are $3. If you want to watch some football at a bar and not spend a ton of money, it's a excellent option.

During Week 11, Sampson and I journeyed up to 79th & Amsterdam to catch the Giants play the Ravens. We got there sufficiently early and grabbed a high top table underneath a few TVs and across from the biggest screen the Giants game was being shown on. As it turns out, the Eagles game was on one of the TVs above our heads.

If you'll recall, in Week 11, the Eagles played the Bengals. As the Giants were running over the Ravens, the Eagles game got off to a slow start, and the Philly fans clustered around the TV were pretty quiet. After a scoreless first quarter, a wiry guy with long-ish hair wearing a Brian Westbrook jersey and a winter hat sauntered in. He looked like a pretty chill guy, like someone who might listen to Phish while driving around in his 1992 Jeep Cherokee Laredo.

Not so much. This dude was one of the biggest assholes I have ever viewed a sporting event at a bar in the presence of. As soon as he got there, he was screaming at the TV, calling out individual defensive backs like, "What the FUCK, Lito Sheppard?!?". He coined an amazingly uncreative nickname for Donovan McNabb, "Donovan McShit". He wouldn't fucking stop. Every play was "What a FUCKING terrible play call Mornhinweg!", or "Andy Reid, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!" He was knowledgeable, I suppose...

If you want to yell at the TV in the comfort of your own home, in the company of friends, by all means, go to town. If you are the angry type of fan who thinks they should be calling the plays, and you are smarter than everyone in the organization, let it out. Maybe if Andy Reid was my coach and Donovan McNabb my QB, I might be the same way. But Jesus-fucking-Christ, how little dignity must you have, to yell this shit at the top of your lungs in a bar in a city which your team is not even based?

Anyway, after the Giants game was over, the Eagles and Bengals were just heading into overtime, and the bartender switched the TV we were watching over to the Eagles game. Honestly, watching McNabb spike screen passes at Westbrook's feet and get called for a delay of game in OT, I thought, "Maybe this asshole has a point".

In an ending that I couldn't have scripted better myself, the game concluded in an orgasmically (for me) anticlimactic tie and Angry Winter Hat Dude stomped out of the bar and shot Sampson and I a sneer as we laughed out loud.

Guess where we are watching the game on Sunday. I really hope he's there.

Fuck the Philly, the Eagles, their fans, their damaged landmarks, their disgusting "cheese" "steaks" and everything about that godforsaken city except Ben Franklin, Cliff and Always Sunny.

Eagles Injury Report

In NFL news that people actually give a shit about, the following is the Eagles injury report (the ones that matter anyway).

Brian Westbrook, RB - Sore knee

No Surprise, he has been banged up all season and will obviously play. And most likely torch AP on every possible play. I would say AP should hire Jeff Gillooly to assist him in stopping Westbrook, but AP's (and Jeff's) track record in covering up crimes isn't the best.

Dan Klecko, FB - Shoulder Contusion

This forced Buckhalter play FB last week. If it happens this week it could be a major hitch in their running game going against the Giant's front 4.

Jon Runyan, OT - Knee Sprain

He will play, but will definitely be sore... McNabb better be able to get rid of the ball quickly because Tuck can run circles around a 100% healthy Runyan.

Asante Samuel, CB - Hip Strain (will play)

You can strain a hip?

Andy Reid, Head Coach - Severe Obesity

I think Andy will be able to take the reins, but he may need a Hoveround.

Sports Bigamy Alert!

Not too long ago, Kedra was palling around with Shawne Merriman and living at the Playboy Mansion. Now Hef has an open stall in his stable, and Kendra is getting married to Hank Baskett.

I know everyone has their own preferences, but if you like Chargers Kendra better, you are nuts.

A Better Stat For Running Backs

Let's say you are an NFL coach, and you have a running back that gains 100 yards on 25 carries and you could choose how to distribute those yards over those carries. You could have him break an 80 touchdown run, but then he would only have gained 20 yards on those other 24 carries, thereby completely bogging your offense down. The best use of those 100 yards would be to distribute them as evenly as possible, in this case being 4 yards for carry. The reason being...

Aaaand I fucking shit you not, right as I'm typing this up (ask Sampson), FOX runs a graphic breaking down Purple Jesus's 18 rushes for 76 yards by each carry.

-1,-1, 2, 2, 6, 2, 40, 6, 0, 6, 1, 3, 0, 2, 0, 3, 0, 5

It saves me a lot of work, but wow that really steals the thunder of this post. Damn you FOX! How dare you listen in to my conversations with my roommate and instantly create a graphic solely to sabotage my shitty blog post that six people are going to read. Fuck.

Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, even distribution. An even distribution is optimal because if you are picking up four yards every time, you can pick up a first down at will by running three times (theoretically, obviously picking up 4 yards on 3rd & 4 is not the same as on 1st & 10). You can put your team in good down/distance situations, opening up your offensive options. Simply put, given similar total yards and yards per carry, a guy who consistently picks up yards is more valuable than the one who gets you a few big gains but many short runs.

For the sake of argument, I'll say that 4 yards is the cutoff for a "valuable run" (VR). You run for 3 yards 3 times and you still have 4th & 1, so I think you've gotta round up. Look again at PJ's carries again. Out of 18, only 5 of them were VRs. Using the easy method of calculating yards per carry, he's averaging 4.2 YPC. Slightly better than my arbitrary determination of valuable.

What I propose is that in calculating YPC, have 10 yards be the maximum amount per carry. You can make more specific adjustments based on the distance remaining for a first down, but I really don't feel like laying out the specifics at the moment. You could call the stat something nerdy to piss of sportswriters, like VYPR (Valuable Yards Per Rush). Got a better one? Leave it in the comments?

Now, using my new, awesome and completely original formula (probably not) PJ is only averaging 2.5 yards per carry, well below the 4 yard "valuable" threshold. I don't mean to blaspheme Purple Jesus, I'm just trying to say that the 4.2 YPC somewhat overstates his value in that particular game.

[Update - 7:20pm] I type this whole thing up and Westbrook who had 16 touches for 32 yards before this basically wins the game on a 71 yard screen pass. Seem familiar, Giants fans?

[Update - 7:34pm] Wow, after TJack does a great job of reinforcing negative black QB stereotypes by throwing a bunch of shitty passes then breaking a huge run, a fumbled snap essentially ends the game. That was anti-climactic and the fucking Eagles won. I was a much happier person when I started writing this post.

Note: 20th Century FOX assumes responsibility for all cursing in this post.

Mark Schlereth Sizes Up The Giants Potential Opponents

Every so often we are lucky enough to have "Mark Schlereth" write an NFL column for us, jam-packed with meaningless cliches and the word "FOOTBALL".

Today's topic: Who the Giants most want to play out of the 4 NFC teams active this weekend. Take it away "Mark"...

I'll tell you what fellas, there's nothing I look forward to more than the Wild Card Round of the Playoffs in The National FOOTBALL League. This is when teams put all their chips on the table and all of a sudden its DO or DIE. You get players puttin' their hard hats on and goin' to work, because that's what it means to be a professional FOOTBALL player in the National FOOTBALL League. You get guys stepping up in the big moment, putting their team on their back and leaving it all out there on the FOOTBALL field. You figure out who the guys who know how to win are, and who doesn't have what it takes to get the job done.

In my opinion the New York FOOTBALL Giants are the best FOOTBALL team in the National FOOTBALL League right now. They can run the FOOTBALL down your throat or Eli Manning can pick you apart. Here's how I think the other teams match up with the New York FOOTBALL Giants, with the threat they pose to the Giants, on a scale of one to four FOOTBALLS "(l)".

The Falcons: (l)(l)(l)(l)

Here's a great story. You got Matty Ryan, throwin' the pigskin around out there like he's still playing FOOTBALL at Boston College, you got Michael Turner runnin' the FOOTBALL, and you've got a good, solid defense out on the FOOTBALL field. See what happens when a team gets rid of a QB with a low FOOTBALL IQ, and replaces with someone who can make good decisions with the FOOTBALL? These guys are dangerous.

Cardinals: (l)(l)(l)

The Cardinals have got a great veteran leader that knows how to galvanize the clubhouse in Kurt Warner. They've got two of the best wide recievers in the National FOOTBALL League. I'm tellin' ya, these guys can really catch the FOOTBALL and make some plays downfield. The problem I've got with the Cardinals is that they werre 5-1 against the National FOOTBALL Conference West, but only 3-7 versus the rest of the National FOOTBALL League including a loss to the Giants. But with a proven leader like Kurt Warner, you can never count them out of a FOOTBALL game.

The Eagles: (l)(l)

Here's a FOOTBALL team, that when I look at them, I say "If they could get over their issues at QB and get a guy in there like Brett Favre, they could really be a dangerous FOOTBALL team". Donvan McNabb just doesn't have the awareness or ability to read defenses to play quarterback in the National FOOTBALL League.

The Vikings: (l)

When I look at the Vikings, I see a FOOTBALL team that the New York FOOTBALL Giants nearly beat with DAVID CARR leading the troops in the second half of that FOOTBALL game. Like the Eagles, Vikings clearly have a QB problem because the FOOTBALL is being snapped to a guy like Tavaris Jackson. He's not my idea of a lunch-pail, hard hat sort of a guy, and he obviously lacks the awareness and intelligence to lead a FOOTBALL team in the National FOOTBALL League.

So If I'm the New York FOOTBALL Giants, I'm looking at the Minnesota Vikings and saying "Here's a FOOTBALL team that I can punch in the mouth and really move the FOOTBALL on".

Thanks "Mark", I'm sure we'll hear from you again soon.

Eagles v. Vikings Preview

This late game on Sunday has plenty of storylines: Reid v. Childress, Westbrook v. Peterson, McNabb as a future Viking?, Reid’s last game? Are the Eagles this year's Giants?

The Eagles defense ranked 3rd overall in the regular season whereas the Vikings ranked 2nd. Versus the run, the Vikings were 1st while the Eagles were 4th. Therefore, expect this game to be won in the air. This benefits the Eagles, as the Vikings D ranked 18th against the pass compared to 3rd for the Eagles. McNabb is more experienced and despite having a tendency for throwing at the feet of his receivers, is less prone to turning the ball over than Tarvaris Jackson is. Expect 3 or more turnovers from the Vikings as a result of Jim Johnson stacking the box to stop APIII and complex blitzing schemes. The Eagles should have a fumble return for a TD or Pick 6.

Pick:

Eagles: 24
Vikings: 10

Wow, I picked all 4 road teams to win.