What Could Go Wrong????

Terrell Owens is going to Buffalo.

“I’m leaving America’s team (for) North America’s team,” Owens said at a news conference.

Do you think he has any idea what winter in Buffalo is like? 93 inches of snow per year. Say it out loud, T.O.: "Ninety three (fucking) inches". Hope you've got a shovel!

“I must move on, and it’s another beginning for me,” Owens said. “If I can be that extra added piece to get them to the playoffs, then that’s what I’m here for. I looked at the defensive side of ball and offensive side of the ball, and these guys have all the pieces.”

Change that quote to the third person and substitute "Roshenhaus" for "Owens" and it will make a lot more sense. And that's not what happened. Drouche got on the phone, called every single team in the NFL, quickly discovered that the Bills were the only ones stupid/desperate enough to sign T.O. for $6.5M and made the move promptly because he couldn't have his flagship client left twisting in the wind, as that would tarnish his reputation.

Just so I've got it in writing, this is going to be a fucking disaster. A hilarious disaster if you are fan of any team other than the Bills.

Stick with this guy, T.O. and you'll be "embracing the city and it's limitless entertainment options" in no time. Although if you're not stoned, I'm not sure how much you are going to like Dave and Buster's.

Breaking News: A-Rod Out for 6-9 Weeks for Hip Surgery

Per the Yankees, and not ESPN Deportes, A-Rod will have surgery on his right hip on Monday and will be out for 6-9 weeks. This surgery is "less major" than the surgery that would have required him to miss 4 months and which will occur at the end of the season.

Rodriguez will undergo the surgery on Monday morning in Vail, Colo., having the procedure performed by hip specialist Dr. Marc Philippon. Rodriguez is expected to return to Major League game-ready shape in six to nine weeks.

"The goal here is to allow Alex to rehab rapidly in a safe manner," Dr. Philippon said. "The approach we're using is much safer than letting Alex play the way he is now."

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I was originally critical of Alex for "being selfish" and deciding to have the surgery done on Company Time. However, the blame is clearly on the Yankees and their doctors for not discovering this defect earlier in time despite his hip nagging him last year.

As a typically "risk-adverse" individual, I think that this procedure will be the best. Missing 1 month of the season is obviously better than missing 4 months. And instead of doing nothing and risking a career-ending injury that would royally fack Los Yankees, the labrum will be stabilized.

Get well soon, Alex. Maybe T.O. with his new deal with the Buffalo Bills, will be able to buy you a hyperbaric chamber.

I Can See It Now...

Come on Dan Snyder, you know you want to. You are only one piece from that Super Bowl Winning (or complete and total shitstorm of a) team you've always dreamed of. What could go wrong???

(Ed Note: I know he wouldn't wear #81 because it is retired for Art Monk, but it would have looked stupid with another number.)

Quarterback of the Week

Regardless of their respective performances on Sunday, Donovan McNabb, Kurt Warner, Joe Flacco or Ben Roethlisberger will not be the Quarterback of the Week.

That honor belongs to U.S. Airways Flight 1549 Pilot Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III who cooly navigated his engineless plane over the city and landed it in the Hudson River. After his miraculous landing, Sullenberger walked the plane twice after everybody else was off, and tried to verify that there was nobody else on board.

According to news reports, (and his website) Sullenberger has been studying the psychology of keeping airline crews functioning even in the face of crisis.*

Headcase atheletes (A-Rod, Romo) should read about crisis management and other psychological literature so they do not let their fans and teammates down. Selfish athletes (cough T.O., cough) should take notice of "Sully's" selfless behavior.

[Ed. Note: Malcom Gladwell's (poorly named but compellingly written) book called Outliers discusses the implications of cultural dynamics in precisely these situations (among other things). It delves into concepts such as power distance and dissects the causes or Korean Air Flight 801 and other airbone tragedies. Seriously, read it. Just like his other books, it's good.

And no, I did not get paid to write that.]

T.O. Release or Not T.O. Release: That is The Question

The Dallas Cowboys are apparently undergoing chemo to rid themselves of the locker room cancers that have turned perhaps the most talented NFL team into mere ESPN Coverage Champions and employment guarantors of Ed Werder.

Already in this young offseason they have severed ties with Adam “Don’t Call Me Pacman” Jones (although according to him they are merely giving him rain check). According to ESPN, the Cowboys are also considering letting free agent DT Tank Johnson go unsigned. This is understandable, given the fact that Tank has not accomplished much with the ‘Boys. But the rumors do not stop there. Also according to ESPN, the Cowboys are considering severing ties with arguably the best wide receiver in the NFL, Terrell Owens.

T.O., who has been unjustly vilified by the public ever since he asserted his right to be one of the highest paid receivers in the league. When he led the Philadelphia Eagles to their only Super Bowl appearance, he was the only Eagles player to perform well, despite having an injured ankle for which he was required to sign a waiver that stated he would not be owed any future money by the organization in the event that the ankle was injured.

T.O.’s on the field performance has been nothing short of special. In his 3 seasons as a Cowboy he has gained at least 1,000 a year (for an average of about 15 yards per catch) scored at least 10 TDs a year, and been a dual threat over the middle and down the sidelines. Wherever he goes on the field he has drawn double teams and opened up Jason Witten and Patrick Crayton. He also isn’t afraid to throw a downfield block for his RBs or another receiver. Drops aside, I think that you will be hard-pressed to find a more complete receiver in the NFL.

T.O. has shown great loyalty to the organization. He has said that he "definitely" wants to finish his career in Dallas and enter the Hall of Fame as a Cowboy. Unlike his time in San Francisco or Philadelphia, Owens respects his quarterback, even going so far as to pathetically cry for him after defeat to the eventual World Champion New York Football Giants. [Ed. Note: Yesss]

So why release him?

I honestly have no clue why. As Jim Mora would say “Don’t Ask Me!”

Is it because he demands the ball on every play? Show me any top receiver who doesn’t. After looking at his numbers (specifically YPC and TDs), he definitely should get the ball every play.

Is it because of Jason Garrett? Word is that the Cowboys are afraid of losing the so-called offensive genius from Princeton. Garrett, who has a rocky relationship with Owens, has been inconsistent and his play-calling horrendous. Look what he has done with all the talent surrounding him--produced the 13th overall ranked offense in the NFL. Clearly he is dispensable.

Is it because of a rift with TE Jason Witten? I’m a huge Witten fan, but to put Witten before T.O. is putting the proverbial cart before the horse. Without Owens’ double coverage, Jason Witten would be nobody significant. Look at the numbers that back-up TE Martellus Bennett has put up in Witten’s absences.

Is it because of media distractions? You are seriously going to let the media run your team? Why not banish ESPN and Ed Werder from Valley Ranch? Shouldn’t you draft/sign thick-skinned players who will not be “distracted” by being asked questions about a single player who the media has a hard on for and who will be able to live with being a member of so-called “America’s Team?” Maybe you should investigate your signings more.

The man shows up to play his hardest every day. While he is a diva, like most WRs, he is not a felon.

Do not pin the Dallas Cowboys failure on T.O. Following his biggest distraction (PlayGate involving his alleged allegation of Tony Romo and Witten leaving him out of plays), the Cowboys defeated the Giants. It is not his fault that the Cowboys defense let up back-to-back 70+ yard runs against the Baltimore Ravens in Week 17, or Romo fumbled away the game versus the Philadelphia Eagles. It is not his fault that the Offensive Line (led by a partially deaf left tackle in Flozell Adams) could not stop the Giants defensive attack of Michael Strahan, Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyiora in the 2008 Divisional Round or that Romo fumbled a snap against the Seattle Seahawks the year before.

It is not his fault that Wade Phillips is a puppet and offers no leadership, nor his fault that no other player has asserted leadership of the team.

So go ahead, Dallas. Release him. See what happens when all who an erratic, choking QB has to throw to are a possession receiver in Roy Williams and a double-covered Witten. I’ll give you a hint: it will not be winning your first playoff game since 1996.

Girly NFL Stars

Despite being stars in the manliest league on the Earth, the following NFL players often behave like women.

10. Brady Quinn. He likes boys

9. Vince Young. “Mr. Invincible” himself reminds us of that psycho girlfriend who we are better off without.

8. Bill Belichick. He cheats.

7. Reggie Bush. Always hurt, his significant other Kim Kardashian could play inside linebacker for all 32 NFL teams.

6. Jason Taylor. At least in Bill Parcells’ opinion after spending his 2008 offseason winning “Dancing With The Stars.”

5. Eli Manning. His favorite hobby is ANTIQUE SHOPPING with his mother and wife!

4. Matt Leinart. Maybe this ballroom dancing, “Desperate Housewives,” “House Bunny,” “Punk’d” actor should focus on the NFL.

3. Jeremy Shockey. Badass tattoo notwithstanding, one cannot think of Shockey without an image of him flailing his arms at refs looking for a flag after he misses an important catch. Cried his way off a Super Bowl winning team. Cries on his new team. Gets hurt for pivotal games.

2. Terrell Owens. Despite going over the middle like no other receiver in the NFL, he cries for his QB. When he doesn’t get the ball he bitches like a 16 year old who doesn’t get a new car at her Sweet 16 party.

1. Brett Favre. The NFL’s all time “Ironman” (thanks in part to Vicodin and hydrocodones) is an attention whore, drama queen and his favorite word is “maybe.”