Monday, February 9, 2009

A-Roid & Gammons Interview Reactions (With A Special Guest Appearance)

Not sure if anybody caught this, but it looks like Serena Roberts really has been stalking him. Check it out.
I know. It's pretty bad. But there really aren't that many pictures of her to choose from and no good place for her to be "hiding".

Some notes about the interview:
  • I love how before he mentioned Selena Roberts by name he referred to her as "that lady from Sports Illustrated"
  • He said she actually tried to break into his house and had documentation from the Miami Police to prove it, but Gammons didn't even ask to see it.
  • He only apologized to his fans in Texas. Um, fuck that. You better feel sorry that you dicked over all of your Yankee fans over too. Because when you are cashing in $5M of our money for every legend you pass on the home run list, it's just going to dredge this shit up. If the Yankees were drafting your contract this offseason, they'd take those milestone clauses out in 2/3 of a second.
  • Fiji Water? Nice choice.
  • I originally thought that the reason he said he didn't know what exactly he was taking is that it was illegal at the time, and didn't want to incriminate himself. However, Craig from Shysterball was nice enough to answer my email and set me straight:
Me: Quick Question: Would there be a legal reason that A-Rod isn't admitting he knew what he took? Because they are/were illegal, etc... It sounds pretty stupid otherwise.

Craig: Quick Answer: No real legal reason I can think of. Even if he was doing crack, the statute of limitations on 2003 using would have run by now. My guess is that, in the permissive 2003-era, it was simply a matter of guys saying "give me some juice" and not really knowing what, exactly, they were taking beyond broad categories such as HGH or steroids.
Makes sense. Listening to the full interview, you get the feeling that he might have been trying to seem innocent because saying "give me some juice" is a lot more "naive" than talking about stacking Primobolan.

Anyway that was some quality television and despite the ribbing I've given him, he did come across as pretty genuine and remorseful and handled it pretty much as well as I could have hoped for. We're on the right track. Before the 2007 season, he got that pathetic Jeter friendship "issue" out in the open and had a banner year. It's a new season, in The New Stadium, and it's an odd numbered year. I'm predicting big things for Professor Purple Lips this season.

The Many (Awkward) Faces Of Alex Rodriguez

This was too easy. For one thing, I sort of stole the idea from The Sports Hernia.

But really, any person on planet Earth would make a ton of retarded-looking faces when they are being grilled on SportsCenter in front of tens of millions of people about something of this magnitude. Luckily for most of us, we won't have to answer those questions and if we did, some asshole probably wouldn't take the time to take pictures of it with their digital camera off their HDTV, resize and crop them and upload them on to their shitty blog.

However, my job is to not take any of that into account and instead use these screen grabs to make fun of him on these here internets. I watched it in slow motion to select the proper frames, and he looked like he was literally being tortured.

Anyway, here it goes. These pictures make it look like just he recorded the most emotional Proactiv testimonial ever given. I omitted any further snarky comments because they're honestly not even necessary.

It has been far and away our most colorful day here at Fack Youk. Apologies to our black and white traditionalists (Schiff), but it was all original content.

Grammys Screen Grab Recap [Non-Sports]

I hate the Grammys. I hate every award show, actually. The pomp and circumstance is unbearable and the music they are honoring is almost always terrible. That said, since it was on after 60 Minutes and we had an hour of fast forward time saved up on the DVR, we skipped to the performances and roundly mocked them in the typical asshole fashion you have come to expect from Fack Youk.

The Coldplay and Jay-Z combo was actually really sick, but look at the faggy lamp that dude had on his Piano.
(touches finger to earpiece)
What's that?

Oh. I have just been told that it is in fact the reflection of faggy lampshade I picked out at IKEA on our TV. That's embarassing.

Black and White, baby. Kanye is vastly overrated but this was quite a nice touch. Us Fack Youkers approve.

I don't know who either of these lovely ladies are, but that's not important. Here is the question: A chick ripping a guitar solo: Hot or Not?

Sampson says "Not". I'm going to go with "Hot", which is probably because her and I play very similar guitars.

Except mine is a hollowbody, bitch!

I don't know who the chick with Lil' Wayne was either, but she was super-pregs.

Continuing with the theme of me not knowing who any of these people are, I lost a $20 bet (it was almost $100) to Sampson because the girl on the left was actually Miley Cirus. The lady on the right is playing a Taylor with a Koa wood top. Gorgeous.

She's only 16? I'm going to stop right there.

It all comes down to PRESSURE

A-Rod has admitted 3 years of steroid use beginning in 2001 when he signed his then record $252MM deal with the Texas Rangers.

According to A-Rod: “When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day,”

PRESSURE: You can handle it or you cannot. You crave it or hate it. As evidenced by this quote and A-Rod's horrid postseason numbers clearly A-Rod cannot handle it. Can't you please retire? I'm still waiting for the being raised by a single parent excuse. Shouldn't you just let your natural abilities, the same natural abilities that got you your absurd deal, take over? It's not like that being criticized for failing to live up to your contract would have any impact on your facked-up psyche anyways.

Way to screw up your career, buddy. You get no sympathy from me. Not with your current lifetime baseball earnings of $198,416,252 (which doesn't take into account your 9 remaining guaranteed near $30MM seasons).

Back Off Asshole, He's Mine [Non-Sports]

[Ed Note: Since I'm not at work today, there are going to be a few non-sports posts. Hope you folks don't mind.]Does this guy know that Captain Chesley B. Sullenberger III is mine, or am I going to have to be a bitch about it?

Liking 60 Minutes is one of the things, (along with my affinities for scotch, golf, trout fishing and 70's music) that makes me a 55 year old trapped trapped in a 24 year old body. Well, last night, 60 Mins had an awesome several segment feature centering around Cap'n Sully and his retelling of the perfectly executed landing in the Hudson River.

[Ed. Note: I couldn't pause for a screen grab. Pretty craaaay-zaaay pic, right?]

The landing wasn't dumb luck. Sully showed incredible grace under fire, calculating every single thing that happened, even positioning the plane near some NY Waterway Ferries so as to close the gap between landing and response. It probably helped that he was previously an Accident Investigator and Saftey Lecturer.

I don't care how many cases you've studied or how many lectures you're given. Nothing can prepare you to look at this knowing you have to put a plane with 155 people on it down into a 30 something degree body of water adjacent to one of the most densely populated areas on the planet.

"Oh m'gosh y'all! We almost died!" I'll forgive her though, she's pretty hot for an older gal.

Those are not tears shown below. It's only a saline fluid that the masterminds at NASA who programmed this marvelous man-chine included just in case it was ever forced to show "emotion".

And now a special message from Andy Rooney:



You know what would cut down on the number of plane crashes? NOT FLYING!

(face contorts with anger)

It seems to me that everyone nowadays is flying somewhere. Vacations, business trips, family reunions. Why can't they just do it how I did it back when I was young? Get your family, load up your horse and buggy, and try not to die of dysentery.

Why not drive one of those newfangled automobiles or take a train? I've taken many trains in my day. It's a good time to read the Saturday Evening Post or the Farmer's Almanac.

At least no one ever tried to drive a train into a building as a terrorist attack!

Bonus Oregon Trail GChat featuring a special guest appearance from Carmen Sandiego!!! Brendan, as always, has the strategery down pat.

Brendan: love me some dysentery
the key to that game was shooting buffalo and then trading it for dollars at the trading posts
1:30 PM
Brendan: why one would waste bullets on the squirrel and rabbits is beyond me.. seeing as they were hard as hell to kill, and gave you like 2lbs of meat
1:31 PM me: absolutely
Brendan: it really made no sense
me: remember how you had to ford the rivers too?
Brendan: yeah was just going to bring that up
it was toll road or you're getting in the water
Brendan: and to hell if i was paying a damned toll
1:32 PM communists
me: yeah who was fucking collecting tolls anyway?
it was the 1800s
me: if anyone it should have been the native americansBrendan: lol, true that
Brendan: you also had to have a shitty occupation to get the multiplier bonus at the end
1:34 PM another great memory was making up witty names for your fellow travelers... You had to stop for 3 days because Boobies has cholera
1:36 PM me: lol
1:37 PM if you scroll down there is a pic of a tombstone that says "Here lies Pepperony[sic] and cheese
1:41 PM Brendan: or where in the USA is carmen san diego
that was an epic game.. because once you won it wasn't over.. as you always could improve your rank
me: yeah loved that show too
Brendan: Rockefellas
1:42 PM me: "Alright, Gumshoes..."
yeah forgot about those fuckers
me: odd for a children's game show to have its own a capella group, but whatever
1:43 PM wow they are still milking it, huh?
Brendan: well that was in 2000
but hell I would
1:44 PM crazy and unexpected beatbox at the end of that clip
and i'm pretty sure he has his neck pierced

Attaboy [Breaking News]

What About The HoF? [A-Roid]

One of the more interesting pieces of shrapnel from the A-Rod bomb is what impact this has on the Hall of Fame. Will 25% of the writers simply not vote for someone with PED issues? The Steroids Era promises to expose the HoF voting for the flawed, subjective system it is.

In ten years, who is still going to be above the fray? Jeter. Pedro. Maddux. Mussina. Rivera?
Rivera's rookie year in the Major Leagues was 1995, initially as a starting pitcher. He found mixed success, posting a 5–3 record and 5.51 ERA that year. As a result, he split time between the Yankees and their AAA affiliate in Columbus. As a 25 year-old rookie with major arm surgery in his past, Rivera's role on the team was not guaranteed. The Yankees considered trading Rivera to the Detroit Tigers for David Wells. However, a surprise improvement prompted a change of heart. In one minor league start, Rivera suddenly began throwing 95–96 MPH. Rivera started ten games for the Yankees that season, participating in a two-hit shutout of the Chicago White Sox on July 4, in which he recorded a career-high eleven strikeouts. Rivera's sudden improvement and his success in the 1995 American League Division Series, in which he pitched 5 1/3 scoreless innings of relief, convinced Yankees' management to keep him and move him into the bullpen the following season.
Sounds pretty suspicious in hindsight doesn't it?

A-Rod tested positive for Primobolan. In her interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network on Saturday, Selena Roberts said that it doesn't bulk you up like Winstrol or Deca-Durabolin and that it allows you retain 80% of your strength once you cycle off. Couple that with HGH (which Andy-facking-Pettitte was on) and the "Who's Juicing" game just got a whole lot more difficult.

Pudge Rodriguez is undoubtedly a HoF player numbers-wise and wasn't in the Mitchell Report, but I will literally bet you anything that he took steroids, HGH or something like that when he caught 144 games in the Texas heat, hit 35 home runs and slugged .558.

See what happens? When you don't even have to rely on changes in physical appearance (which Pudge certainly had), the cloud of suspicion broadens further still. As we've discussed before, baseball statistics are incredibly random and you can pretty much read any storyline you want on those tea leaves.

It's a divisive issue and everyone is going to have their own take. That includes the BBWAA writers. I think everyone should get in and being that it is a museum, just include the PED stuff in the exhibit. Pete Rose too. He existed. Leaving him out of the HoF doesn't remove him from baseball history and it isn't going to take the needle from Roger Clemens' ass or the veins from Barry Bonds' forehead.

Of course that's not how most of the crotchety old bastards like Murray Chass, who feel they are the sanctimonious gatekeepers of Cooperstown, are going to vote. I'm guessing that pretty soon the induction classes are going to be awfully small.

Listen To The Max Kellerman Show! (Or Just Read Our Blog)

Major takeaways from the Max Kellerman Show on 1050 ESPN radio this morning.
  1. A-Rod testing positive is the Watergate of the steroids era.
  2. A-Rod should admit it.
  3. This is bad for George Mitchell because it calls he and his report (and the lack of Red Sox [coughDAVIDORTIZcough] therein) into question.
Sound familiar? Because those are three consecutive posts from Saturday afternoon. It's on 'til 1:00, listen for yourself.

One Reason to Watch the Knicks

Since we went to see the Knicks a couple of weeks ago, I have started to watch them a little bit more and have found them to be quite entertaining. Then watching them lose last night on a buzzer beater finger roll layup I realized why...

Gus Johnson.

We here at Fack Youk and our peers on the internet and internet 2.0 have been quite critical of announcers over the years. Say what you will about Gus, but that guy loves his job and gets into every game he announces. He goes absolutely fucking apeshit no matter if it is the NCAA tournament or Knicks v. Portland in February and his enthusiasm for every game is more infectious than a leper holding a needle full of AIDS.

And look at it this way, if you start watching now you can deflect people calling you a fair-weather fan when they sign Lebron next year and you are watching every game.