Asshats

In honor of the fact that Real Time with Bill Maher starts up again tomorrow night, I've got a New Rule:

New Rule: Team apparel can only be sold in team colors.

The above items are useful for exactly one day per year, which doesn't even fall during the baseball season. Have at it, Sox fans! Grab yourself a pair of those pajama pants, one of those hideous green shirts, and wave that "lucky" banner while you are jumping off the Prudential Center.

I'm not just picking on the Sox. Check out all of these acts against God:

If are wearing one of those right now, please ex-out of your browser and never read this blog again.

Are you a Mets fan but want to wear a Yankees hat for some odd fucking reason? Maybe you are a Yankees fan who just adores the combination of blue an orange. A lifelong David Cone/Doc Gooden/Darryl Strawberry fan?

No? Are you a straight gangsta from Oakland who ain't afraid to show some love for da Yanks? Or a colorblind nerd from New York attending Berkley?
Then you must like the Braves, Cubs or Pirates, and are dying to wear their colors on the hat of the most hated franchise in all of baseball, right?

Can someone please explain how buying a team's hat with another team's colors on it makes even one small bit of sense? Do you like both teams? Do you wear it only when the two teams play each other? What takes precedence, the logo or the colors?

Look, I understand the financial reasons a team has to bastardize their logo by sewing it onto a million different hats. More unique items translate into more sales. There are some very stupid people out there who probably want a Yankees hat to go with every outfit they own and are not ashamed to look like a complete and utter douchebag while doing it.

But here is a short message to those dummies and others who have bought branded merchandise in non-official team colors:

You are suckers.

At a certain point the following conversation happened somewhere in the MLB offices:

Executive: Our merchandise sales are stagnating, gentlemen. What can we do about it?

Sales guy #1: Well, we could make it cheaper, sir...

Executive: You're fired.

Sales guy #2: We could try to increase our global distrib-

Executive: Great idea! Just kidding, you're a moron. Next?

Sales guy #3: Well, we could make stuff in different colors...

Executive: Brilliant! We'll put out a never ending stream of new colors and some idiots are bound to buy them!

In closing: Don't be a sheep. If you don't like your team's official colors, don't buy the merchandise. If you are worried about the colors of your team's hat and whether or not they match with the rest of your clothing, rest assured that people will notice how ugly you are long before the fact that your hat clashes with your stupid jacket.

This Just In: Kobe Bryant Is A Dick

Last night around 1:00AM or so, I flipped on the end of the Lakers vs. Warriors game and there was about 2:20 left. I believe the Lakers were up by two when the following took place.

Kobe went it for a lay-up...


Clearly didn't get fouled...

But missed anyway...

And instead of attempting to get the rebound or play defense, he immediately started bitching right in the ref's face as soon as he saw that the ball didn't go in.

And continued waving his arms...

And looking back at the ref, despite the fact that it clearly wasn't a foul.

As he ran up the floor, he continuted to bitch and moan...

Until he committed this blatant foul (even though his team was leading at the time)...

And when he got called for it... you are never going to guess what happened!

He kept fucking complaining. Look at that freeze frame two pictures above. It couldn't have been a more obvious foul.

If you are going to bitch and moan like a fucking 12 year old girl your whole way up the court and then blatantly slap someone on the arm, you are going to get called for it. The refs knew you were pissed and you're lucky they didn't call it intentional. And you still whine about it.

Fuck you, Kobe. You are the reason people say basketball players are selfish prima donnas. You aren't exactly helping with the credibilty of the league's officiating, either.

So two or three possessions later, when the Lakers were already up by 6, Kobe drains this fadeaway...

And then shoots this look back across the court.

Congrats, Kobe. You were only 9-22 from the field and had just three rebounds, but you currently lead the league in Asshole Glares (AG) with 2,241. Keep up the meanacing sneers, fuckface, because you can't hold LeBron's jock.

Countdown To Opening Day: #45

For much of the 90's the number 45 was penciled into the Yankees' DH slot.

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Danilo Tartabull Mora originally came up as shortstop with the Royals. He only played 24 games in The Bigs at SS, and was quickly transitioned to a RF/DH. He had solid numbers with the Royals but nothing too impressive, especially for a corner OF/DH. Coming off a the best season of his career in 1991 (171OPS+), Tartabull became one of the five highest paid players in baseball when he signed a five year $25.5M deal with the Yankees.

He put up decent numbers when he was healthy, but Danny was plagued by injuries during his tenure, averaging only 122 games during the three full seasons he spent the Bronx before being traded to Oakland in 1995. He suffered from sprained wrists, pulled hamstrings, back spasms and bruised kidneys. Sound similar to another free agent acquisition to bear the #45? The Curse of Danny Tartabull(c) You heard it here first.

After he was traded to the A's for Ruben Sierra, Tartabull lashed out a George Steinbrenner for the comments The Boss has been making all season about him. Danny said:

If s a zoo there. No, I take that back; it's a joke. The sad part is that the only reason for that is the owner. He wants to be the center of attention so bad he just destroys that team. If s so hard for those guys to win because of that man. To win the division, you have to be twice as good as anyone else just to overcome all of the crap that goes on. The guys won't say it on the record, but they're just miserable there.

Some of that was probably warranted, but here's the kicker:

That team's going to be a disaster next year. You'll see. No one's going to want to play there.

See, you just change "disaster" to "dynasty" and "No one" to "Everyone" and that sentence makes perfect sense!

In one of the most fitting ends to a career possible, he retired seven games into the 1997 season after fouling a ball of his toe.



The Yanks acquired the ironically-named Cecil Fielder in 1996 by trading Ruben Sierra and Matt Drews to the Tigers. Fielder hit 13 HRs in 53 games to round out the regular season. On the way to the World Series, Big C hit .307 with 3HRs and 10RBIs. A portly chap, Fielder was almost exclusively a DH, appearing in only 17 games in the field in his two years with the Yankees, all at first base. Bill James once called Cecil, "a fat guy that hit a few home runs for a while."

In 1990 & 91, his first two full seasons as a pro, Fielder hit 51 then 44 HRs and finished second in the MVP voting to Rickey Henderson then Cal Ripken. His 1990 season was the first 50+HR in the American League since Mantle and Maris went at it in 1961. Big Daddy finished his career with 319 round-trippers and a line of .255/.345/.482.



Fielder left after the 1997 season and the Yankees acquired Charles Theodore "Chili" Davis to try and fill his shoes. Chili got his nickname from a bad haircut he cut when he was 12, growing up in Kingston, Jamaica. He injured his ankle in Spring Training in '98 and after playing in the first two games of the season, appeared in only 33 more coming down the stretch. He saw 27 ABs that postseason and drove in 7 runs.

He exclusively DH'ed during his time with the Yanks and wasn't particularly strong offensively, but is remembered fondly by most Yankee fans because his two years in the Bronx coincided with two World Series victories. When he retired, he had the third highest career HR total (350) as a switch hitter, behind only Mickey Mantle and Eddie Murray.