Friday, March 20, 2009

Derek Jeter Is Recession Proof

You thought A-Rod's 8,300 sq. ft. mansion in Coral Gables, Florida was sick? Derek Jeter is not impressed. (via Neil Best)

New York Yankees slugger Derek Jeter is building a behemoth of a mansion just a stone's throw from downtown Tampa.

Once completed, the seven-bedroom, nine-bathroom house on Davis Islands will be 30,875 square feet, according to Hillsborough County public records. To give you an idea of how big that is, the average Best Buy store is 39,700 square feet. That's also twice as big as the Bayshore Boulevard mansion of Lazydays RV SuperCenter founder Don Wallace.
To give you more of an idea of how fucking ridiculous and excessive that is, I grew up just down the street from this place. It's only 20,000 square feet, and supposedly cost $32.5M to build... in 1992. It has a glass elevator and a "mermaid bar", which has windows looking up into their indoor pool. The cobblestone driveway is heated and it leads to a split underground 12 car rotating garage. The house for their two Dalmatians was (and maybe still is) a scaled-down replica of the main building.

It gets more ridiculous:

Crafted from over 1,200 tons of Ithaca’s Llenroc Stone (the same material used to construct the Llenroc dormitory at Cornell University), this elegant home has a first floor master suite with his and her bathrooms, 15 fireplaces, $3.5 million worth of imported Scandanavian marble flooring, hundreds of unique hand-painted Portuguese tiles, a formal dining room featuring 24 karat gold guilded ceilings and moldings, walnut design inlaid hardwood floors, miles of mahogany moldings, a five-floor glass elevator, four galleries, and a servant’s kitchen with its own elevator.
Because 18 karat gold guilded ceilings just wouldn't do.

Click through here and look at the pictures. It's astonishing. I could go on longer, but you'd be better served Googling "Llenroc" (Cornell spelled backwards) because it will blow your mind. The story behind it is pretty interesting also. Al Lawrence, the man who built that monstrosity spent two months at the very end of his life in jail for fraud, embezzlement, and tax evasion. It was only two months because his cancer was diagnosed as terminal and we was released to die at home (which he did in 2002). That seems fair.

Llenroc is excessive, garish, gaudy, decadent, ostentatious, ... yes?

Now make it 50% larger.

Because that's Derek Jeter's place. Imagine if A-Rod was building that home right now? People would want to burn him at the stake. What's the difference?

NCAA Tournament, Drankin', and Gamblin'

Today I took a personal day to watch the NCAA. There will be drinking, gambling on bodog, tv watching, and grilling. I will be updating this post throughout the day (or until I can't see the keyboard anymore) so stay tuned. Lets Go CUSE!!!!!

(42' Plasma, laptop w/ gambling capabilites, first beer of the day at 12:10)

2:10 PM - Take that Stephen A. Austin!
2:11 PM - Gus Johnson is the greatest announcer ever.

Betting Recommendations:
[Ed Note: Fack Youk in no way condones the degeneracy associated with gambling. All recommendations are for entertainment purposes only. If you think you have a problem, please call your local gambling addiction hotline...or don't, because we really don't care.]

1st Half - 2PM Games
Cornell vs. Missouri Over 67½
Temple +3

2nd Half - Noon Games

Cuse and SFA under 70
Marquette -2 and Tenn/OSU under 82.5 parlayed

1st Half - Noon games
Tenn giving -1
Cuse and SFA under 61
Kansas giving 5.5 and Marquette giving 3.5 parlayed

Welcome To The Fack Youk Hall Of Fame, Matt Taibbi

I don't care if the point of his article was to say that swamp donkeys like the Fackin' Youkah are undervalued because of their hideousity, as opposed to our new handsome(ly paid) first baseman. If you drop lines like these, you too, fair reader may recieve the honor of a terribly photoshopped (actually MS Painted) Fack Youk Hall Of Fame plaque. (h/t Simon on Sports)

Then there’s Kevin Youkilis. Youk has only three body parts, all hideously oversized: an enormous set of gnomish, bushy forearms; a massive, casaba melon–size white head; and a cauldronlike belly. He has a truly awesome bristle of thick red chin hair that makes his face look like a cross between a vagina and something out of The Hobbit.


Whereas a guy like Teixeira was born with a swing so gorgeous you want to paint it, Youkilis fighting a middle reliever to a nine-pitch walk looks like a rhinoceros trying to fuck a washing machine.

Our inaugural inductee.

/sheds tear

It probably should have been Joba for throwing at Youk's head, or Manny for getting into a shoving match with him in the dugout, but both of those events predate our site's existence.

Congratulations, Matt. Come claim your prize of a drink on me at the Manhattan watering hole of your choice. Operators are standing by.

Come And Go Blues

The show started just before 8:30. And they opened with a live version of Little Martha backed by a slideshow of Duane and the early days.

At the beginning of Statesboro Blues, Derek's guitar wasn't working...

And then about three minutes later, it was my internet that wasn't working.

Awesome timing. It's not like I had been waiting for this for an entire week or anything...

That pretty much sums it up right there. I was running a cable and was connected to two different wireless networks that I usually steal from, so it wasn't just my issue. The whole area was down.

Even Billy in 4C couldn't help a brother out.

This felt exactly like the time when I was still playing online poker for a "living" and flopped four jacks at a final table. I had the second biggest chip stack in play and was about to run away with the tournament (provided my opponent didn't draw two perfect runners to a straight flush) when my internet shat out. Once the 90 second disconnect grace period was up, the other player, who could have had two pair or some bullshit, probably just made the minimum bet and my hand was automatically folded. By the time the connection came back 45 minutes later, my stack had been blinded down to a measly pittance and I ended up in 7th place.

Except that's not how this ended.

After almost two hours of watching the 'Zags zap the Zips and other NCAA Tournament action (which isn't a terrible consolation prize) the internet rose from the dead right in the middle of Good Morning Little School Girl.

Immediately after the song, Greg announced Clapton and they broke into Key to the Highway.

DreamsWhy Does Love Got To Be So Sad

Little Wing


Encore Break:

Layla (Piano jam)

The two hours without internet were pretty brutal. Any two hours of my life spent indoors without access to broadband is inconvenient, but I had been looking forward to this and hyping it up for a week. And you know, the main reason that I bought Moogis was to be able to watch this show live.

On the other hand, what made this show so sick was Clapton, and I caught every note of the songs he stood in on. Not to mention that the song selection was awesome. I got my wish for Why Does Love Got To Be So Sad, so tomorrow I'll be out on the town and will turn my password over to Cliff, who is probably the biggest Clapton fan I know. Enjoy it, homey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go move my car which I spent two hours in searching for a spot last night, before I ended up parking on the same block I was on, on the same side of the street.