This Never Would Have Happened If Posada Was Driving

The only way this could be a better metaphor for Game 5 of the World Series is if it happened in front of McFadden's (h/t BBTF):

"[Molina] was heading north on River Road with two other passengers to pick up his belongings at the stadium when he smelled something burning," said Edgewater Fire Chief Joe Chevalier. "When he saw smoke, he pulled over at the Mariner and someone from the marina came over with an extinguisher but it was no use."

Shortly after, Chevalier arrived on the scene to find the SUV fully engulfed in flames just inside the entrance to the Edgewater Mariner.

Let's try that again:

"[Molina] was [starting in Game 5 of the World Series] for [the Yankees] to pick up [their 27th Championship] at [Citizen's Bank Park] when he smelled something burning," said [Yankees pitching coach Dave Eiland]. "When he saw smoke, he [made a mound visit] and someone from the [dugout] came over with an extinguisher but it was no use."

Shortly after, [Joe Girardi] arrived on the scene to find [A.J. Burnett] fully engulfed in flames just inside the entrance to the [third inning].

In the latter scenario, it would have been Chase Utley that started the blaze.

Welcome To The Fack Youk Hall Of Fame, Matt Taibbi

I don't care if the point of his article was to say that swamp donkeys like the Fackin' Youkah are undervalued because of their hideousity, as opposed to our new handsome(ly paid) first baseman. If you drop lines like these, you too, fair reader may recieve the honor of a terribly photoshopped (actually MS Painted) Fack Youk Hall Of Fame plaque. (h/t Simon on Sports)

Then there’s Kevin Youkilis. Youk has only three body parts, all hideously oversized: an enormous set of gnomish, bushy forearms; a massive, casaba melon–size white head; and a cauldronlike belly. He has a truly awesome bristle of thick red chin hair that makes his face look like a cross between a vagina and something out of The Hobbit.

>8

Whereas a guy like Teixeira was born with a swing so gorgeous you want to paint it, Youkilis fighting a middle reliever to a nine-pitch walk looks like a rhinoceros trying to fuck a washing machine.

Our inaugural inductee.

/sheds tear

It probably should have been Joba for throwing at Youk's head, or Manny for getting into a shoving match with him in the dugout, but both of those events predate our site's existence.

Congratulations, Matt. Come claim your prize of a drink on me at the Manhattan watering hole of your choice. Operators are standing by.

Stallworth "Grief Stricken" After Accident

From the National Football Post:

Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth says he is “grief stricken” over his car accident that killed a pedestrian on a busy causeway linking Miami and Miami Beach.

Police say Stallworth was headed toward the beach when he hit the 59-year-old Reyes with his Bentley on Saturday morning. Reyes was near a crosswalk but it’s unclear if he was crossing legally.

Yes, Stallworth said "grief stricken", not his lawyer. Trust him. He added:

Mrraaaahh, just dejected, you see. I can only fathom the wretched pangs of anguish and bereavement clawing at the souls of the victim's next of kin.

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Yes, that was pretty insensitive, but at least I didn't "digg" the original story like these 83 assholes...

I Can See It Now...

Come on Dan Snyder, you know you want to. You are only one piece from that Super Bowl Winning (or complete and total shitstorm of a) team you've always dreamed of. What could go wrong???

(Ed Note: I know he wouldn't wear #81 because it is retired for Art Monk, but it would have looked stupid with another number.)

But Stoners LOVE Frosted Flakes...

From Ad Age, via Deadspin, it appears as though Kellogg's is planning on letting Michael Phelps' contract expire at the end of this month.

"We originally built the relationship with Michael, as well as the other Olympic athletes, to support our association with the U.S. Olympic team," a Kellogg spokeswoman said in a statement. "Michael's most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract."

I respect that position, but why didn't they just change the box?

[Obviously, h/t News Of The World for the photo]