Obese Football Coach Week Continues At Fack Youk

Following yesterday's Charlie Weis name-drop and a gratuitous picture of an asphyxiating Jabba the Hutt (or were he and Leia playing the choking game?), submitted for your enjoyment is the following text message exchange I had with my friend who attended the Springsteen show at The Swamp last night:

Him: Rex Ryan is sitting right in front of us. i didnt realize how fat
he is

Me: Who's fatter? Him or Weis?

Him: Definitely weis

I would have to agree.

So there you have it. Notre Dame may have fallen on tough times of late, but they still have the Heavyweight Champion of the Football World. I suppose I'm obligated to come up with something about Andy Reid soon.

As a side note, the Yankees faired much better last night than they did the night I caught The Boss on this tour.

Oh No He DIT-ENT

There is just too much comic gold in this picture to pass up. This was taken shortly after Akers sent a kickoff out of bounds. Andy Reid is clearly livid, the little guy absolutely can't believe what Andy just said, and the dude between them looks like he just pulled up to a urinal at a Thruway rest stop.

(The reflection on Andy Reid's head is my faggy lampshade, and I'm not about to go through this process again)

Aaaaand Akers misses an extra point! Charming. No footage of sideline confrontations, however.

Jeff Feagles would have never let this happen.


LACES OUT, DAN!

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part III]

[This is Part III of the several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity. Here are Part 1, and Part 2 if you missed them.]

Up until this season I was a Dallas Cowboys fan so I have plenty of experience hating the Philadelphia shEagles and their pathetic, boorish, racist fans (with the exception of my sister and her two children—poor kids).

For me the event that perfectly characterizes these sub-humans is the cheering of Michael Irvin’s 1999 career-ending neck injury while he lied motionless for 20 minutes on Veteran’s Stadium rat-infested carpet. Many fans in the crowd of 66,669 cheered when they realized Irvin was hurt, and again when paramedics wheeled a stretcher onto the field. "Unspeakable, even for us," proclaimed a headline in the Philadelphia Daily News.

While The Playmaker is not liked by non-Cowboys fans due to the fact he was a U graduate, his multitude of moral and legal indiscretions and crazy success against their teams, I think the only individuals who people should take pride in seeing suffer are rapists or murderers.

The next events that raise ire about Iggles fans are:

•Booing of Santa Claus—Seriously?
•A municipal court in Veterans Stadium/The Linc—Because there are tons of reasons to get in fights at sporting events
•Fans pelted national TV broadcasters with snowballs during a Cowboys-Eagles game in 1989—WTF did TV broadcasters do?
•Booing of Donovan McNabb at the 1998 Draft—What did he do wrong?

My sister was also at an Eagles-Cowboys game a few years ago at The Linc when McNabb threw a game-winning Pick 6 that all of Philly fans around her starting yelling racist remarks at McNabb—even little kids! She was embarrassed to be a fellow fan.

How about their “Fly Eagles Fly” song and fans flapping their arms like wings after a touchdown? Grow the fack up!

Enough about the fans. How about the organization?

Owner Jeffrey Lurie is a scumbag and a horrible owner. Like T.O. or not, Lurie should have given him a new contract after T.O. had to sign that waiver to play in Super Bowl XXXIX and was the only one to perform (Donovan McNabb’s digestive system notwithstanding). He has given Head Coach Andy Reid a blank check despite Reid not accomplishing anything and spending too much time with his sons’ heroin and firearms problems. Reid is a fat fack who needs to pay attention to his team and re-learn how to call plays.

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part I]

[For much of the 2009 season, the Eagles have been an afterthought to the Giants and their fanbase. After the Week 10 victory, the Giants were 8-1 and on the fast track to the #1 seed in the NFC, while the Eagles were 5-4 and trying to collect themselves for a second half run.

When they met in Week 13, the Giants clinched the NFC East despite a 20-14 loss. Maybe the Super Bowl victory took some of the edge off of our antipathy towards the team that traditionally takes top billing as the most hated divisional rival. Maybe it's because the Cowboys with all their "superstars" and drama became the primary targets of Giants' fan disdain.

As a result, we have decided to provide some kindling for the hot coals of contempt for the Eagles that smolder deep within each Giants fan with a special several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity]

[Part I - By: Jay]

If you've gone out drinking on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, there's a chance you've been to Bourbon Street. If you've ever gone out drinking anywhere, you've almost definitely been to a place just like it.

It's your prototypical dive bar, with ladies undergarments stapled to the ceiling and kitchy signs and antiquey-looking trash hung on the wall like its some sort of R-Rated Applebee's. The playlist every Friday and Saturday night consists of the same cliched 80's songs like "Livin' On a Prayer", "Jessie's Girl" and "I Love Rock and Roll". In fact, they even do a cut rate Coyote Ugly imitation to "Pour Some Sugar On Me", where the female bartenders pour shots of some brightly colored vodka combination down patrons' gullets at a specific time every weekend night (I couldn't tell you exactly what time, for a variety of reasons).

I may or may not have stumbled out of there few years ago on New Years Day at about 9AM. It's the rare kind of place in NYC that actually has good specials like 50 cent (12 oz.) Bud drafts every Thursday and Friday from 9 to 11. The place does have some uses.

One of those uses is for watching football. They have a ton of TVs, and if you get there fairly early on a Sunday, you can grab a stool at the bar or a seat at a table with a perfect view of a TV with your team's game on it. They don't make their own food, so they allow you to bring your own in, and the Bud Lights are $3. If you want to watch some football at a bar and not spend a ton of money, it's a excellent option.

During Week 11, Sampson and I journeyed up to 79th & Amsterdam to catch the Giants play the Ravens. We got there sufficiently early and grabbed a high top table underneath a few TVs and across from the biggest screen the Giants game was being shown on. As it turns out, the Eagles game was on one of the TVs above our heads.

If you'll recall, in Week 11, the Eagles played the Bengals. As the Giants were running over the Ravens, the Eagles game got off to a slow start, and the Philly fans clustered around the TV were pretty quiet. After a scoreless first quarter, a wiry guy with long-ish hair wearing a Brian Westbrook jersey and a winter hat sauntered in. He looked like a pretty chill guy, like someone who might listen to Phish while driving around in his 1992 Jeep Cherokee Laredo.

Not so much. This dude was one of the biggest assholes I have ever viewed a sporting event at a bar in the presence of. As soon as he got there, he was screaming at the TV, calling out individual defensive backs like, "What the FUCK, Lito Sheppard?!?". He coined an amazingly uncreative nickname for Donovan McNabb, "Donovan McShit". He wouldn't fucking stop. Every play was "What a FUCKING terrible play call Mornhinweg!", or "Andy Reid, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!" He was knowledgeable, I suppose...

If you want to yell at the TV in the comfort of your own home, in the company of friends, by all means, go to town. If you are the angry type of fan who thinks they should be calling the plays, and you are smarter than everyone in the organization, let it out. Maybe if Andy Reid was my coach and Donovan McNabb my QB, I might be the same way. But Jesus-fucking-Christ, how little dignity must you have, to yell this shit at the top of your lungs in a bar in a city which your team is not even based?

Anyway, after the Giants game was over, the Eagles and Bengals were just heading into overtime, and the bartender switched the TV we were watching over to the Eagles game. Honestly, watching McNabb spike screen passes at Westbrook's feet and get called for a delay of game in OT, I thought, "Maybe this asshole has a point".

In an ending that I couldn't have scripted better myself, the game concluded in an orgasmically (for me) anticlimactic tie and Angry Winter Hat Dude stomped out of the bar and shot Sampson and I a sneer as we laughed out loud.

Guess where we are watching the game on Sunday. I really hope he's there.

Fuck the Philly, the Eagles, their fans, their damaged landmarks, their disgusting "cheese" "steaks" and everything about that godforsaken city except Ben Franklin, Cliff and Always Sunny.

Eagles Injury Report

In NFL news that people actually give a shit about, the following is the Eagles injury report (the ones that matter anyway).

Brian Westbrook, RB - Sore knee

No Surprise, he has been banged up all season and will obviously play. And most likely torch AP on every possible play. I would say AP should hire Jeff Gillooly to assist him in stopping Westbrook, but AP's (and Jeff's) track record in covering up crimes isn't the best.

Dan Klecko, FB - Shoulder Contusion

This forced Buckhalter play FB last week. If it happens this week it could be a major hitch in their running game going against the Giant's front 4.

Jon Runyan, OT - Knee Sprain

He will play, but will definitely be sore... McNabb better be able to get rid of the ball quickly because Tuck can run circles around a 100% healthy Runyan.

Asante Samuel, CB - Hip Strain (will play)

You can strain a hip?

Andy Reid, Head Coach - Severe Obesity

I think Andy will be able to take the reins, but he may need a Hoveround.

How Long Is Too Long?: The Cases of Mike Shanahan & Joe Torre

Sure, they don’t remind you of one another. Mike Shanahan, a gruff, standoffish, football coach and self-proclaimed offensive genius. Somebody I would hate to have in my family. Joe Torre a/k/a St. Joe, player’s manager, calm, green-tea drinking, all-around great guy—somebody you would be proud to have in your family.

Both finished the 1990s with championships in their respective leagues and were at the top. From there, both went downhill.

For Torre, who last won a World Series in 2000 against the Mets, his decline came with the aging/retirement of the ‘90s core—Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neill, Scott Brosius, Tino Martinez, David Cone, El Duque to name a few. Most importantly, key cogs in the bullpen, such as Mike Stanton, Jeff Nelson, Ramiro Mendoza, who in my opinion are why the Yankees won 4 out of 5 from 1996-2000, either left the team or became injured. As these important relievers left the Bronx, Torre’s bullpen management skills were exposed and overworked relievers kept the Yankees from winning #27. This despite having the highest payroll in MLB for the whole decade. Following the loss of their third straight ALDS in 2007, Torre, after 12 full seasons in the Bronx, was arguably forced out of the organization.

With his contract up, The Yankees offered Torre a one-year deal with a $5,000,000 base pay and $1,000,000 bonuses to be paid for each of three benchmarks the team reached: winning the ALDS; winning the ALCS; and winning the World Series. Also, if the Yankees made it to the World Series, Joe Torre would pick up an option for a new contract for the following year. The contract, despite the pay cut, would still have kept Torre as the highest paid manager in the game. Understandably, the Yankees saw these incentives necessary to instill a fire in Torre. They thought he was complacent, too much of a player’s manager and that he failed to push their talented stars to attain their optimal performance levels. Torre’s strong sense of pride saw this offer as a personal affront and he rejected the Yanks’ offer, leaving for sunny La La Land Dodgers.

Mike Shanahan was hired by the Broncos in 1995 to replace Puppet Extraordinaire Wade Phillips. Shanahan, who led the vaunted 49ers offense consisting of Steve Young, Jerry Rice, John Taylor and Ricky “I Won’t Bore You With a Hackneyed Chris Berman Nickname” Watters took over a pretty talented team in Denver led by NFL QB legend John Elway. Shanahan led Elway and the Broncos to back-to-back Super Bowl championships in the 1997 and 1998 seasons, during which time the Broncos set a then-record for victories in two seasons. He was the last coach to win two consecutive titles until New England's Bill Belichick did it during the 2003 and 2004 NFL seasons. Between 1996-1998, the Broncos set the NFL record for victories by going 46–10 over a three-year span.

After their Super Bowl victory in 1998, Mike Shanahan only won 1 other playoff game again, due in part to the retirement of Elway and career-ending injury of Terrell Davis. Despite being able to make any running back a 1,000 yard rusher, including the aforementioned Davis, Mike Anderson, Olandis Gary, Reuben Droughns and Tatum Bell, Shanahan, director of player personnel, could never assemble a quality defense.

The past 3 seasons, defensive coordinators were fired due to their ineptitude. In these 3 seasons, the Broncos went 24-24 and failed to make the playoffs. In somewhat of a surprise, Shanahan was canned. He had only 2 losing seasons and finished his career as the Broncos all-time winning head coach with a record of 138-86 (.615). Presumably, Denver owner Pat Bowlen wanted Shanahan to give up control of player personnel so that somebody could come in and revamp the defense. Shanahan, a prideful man, probably refused and the two got into an argument resulting in his ouster.

12 and 14 years are way too long for a manager/coach to remain with the same team. After a while, things get stagnant and that drive to win it all disappears with past success, a fat contract and control over the roster. Sort of like that tenured professor who does not keep up with current management practices or current law, these coaches do not keep up with the evolution of the game.

In my opinion, 10 years should be the cutoff point, especially if there are no championships won in the past 5 years. John Wooden and Joe McCarthy are exceptions to this because they continuously won championships and the time of their last championship served as a "tolling period."

Below are examples of coaches who I believe should be relieved of their duties based on tenure and championship droughts. While the idea of firing some of these coaches may be preposterous, you need to remember that organizations are more than 1 individual.

Jeff Fisher, Head Coach Tennessee Titans—His career achievement is that he came within 1 yard of winning a Super Bowl. Will not be fired because of the current economy and Titans are a small market team.

Andy Reid, Head Coach Philadelphia Eagles—Lost 3 consecutive NFC championships and a Super Bowl. Too conservative and his sons legal troubles have distracted him. He may be relieved of his duties if Philly loses.

Bobby Bowden, Head Coach Florida State—Last national championship in 1999. 79 years old. No motivation for players, no discipline. Anybody could recruit for FSU and be a better game coach. Let Jimbo Fisher have his chance.

Joe Paterno, Head Coach Penn State Nittany Lions--Last national championship in 1986. Age 82. We love ya Joe Pa, but don’t you have grandchildren?

Recently Forced Out: Phillip Fulmer--Head Coach University of Tennessee Football. Last championship in 1998; Tom O'Brien--no championships in 10 years at Boston College (ousted in 2006.)

A Few More Years: Ron Gardenhire--Manager Minnesota Twins, Tom Izzo--BBall Coach Michigan State, Mike Krzyzewski--BBall Coach Duke, Charlie Weis--FB Coach Notre Dame, Al Skinner--BBall Coach Boston College