New York Already One Up On Boston This Weekend

We're still about four hours away from the first pitch of game one of this weekend's series, but New York has already notched is first victory over Boston on the weekend. This morning, the annual media game was held at Fenway, with the New York writers laying a 20-3 beatdown on Boston.

Congrats go out to LoHud's Chad Jennings, the offensive star of the morning with a two run inside-the-park homer. The New York Times' Tyler Kepner hurled the first five innings, then Bryan Hoch of yankees.com/MLB Advanced Media played the role of Mo with a scoreless final frame. Friend of the blog Marc Carig had the hardest hit ball of the day, but flashed only warning track power. I've yet to see any reports on how old friend Peter Abraham did after pulling his reverse-Johnny Damon last year.

Kepner was the Times beat writer through last season, but was promoted to national columnist after shortstop Jack Curry took a buyout and joined the YES Network. No word on whether Boston will protest Kepner's eligibility.

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More links? Why not?

According to this tweet and this grainy photo, David Ortiz was grilling for students at my alma mater earlier today. I'm dubious about the picture, but if anyone should know when something is totally cooked, it's gotta be Big Papi, amIright?

After touching on the same topic twice already today, let's go for three. RAB passes along that AAA Scranton has activated catcher P.J. Pilittere, possibly indicating that Chad Moeller could be on his way up. Or since Posada is out taking earlier BP, maybe he's fine.

If you never want to think of Joe Torre in the same light ever again, read this story passed along by Deadspin's Drew Magary.

And with a tip of that to Moshe Mandel from TYU, Mystique and Aura has a post on 2008 first round pick Gerrit Cole, the one that got away.

Back with the preview in a bit.

Can You Spare Some Change?

Come on, man. This guy just needs a couple bucks to buy himself a sandwich. He hasn't eaten in three days. It's starting to get cold outside...

Hey, WAIT A SECOND!

Yup. That would be Derek Jeter in homeless garb. Has he gone from riches to rags in the matter of a week? No, then surely he is working with a charity to raise awareness for the homeless as winter nears and the temperatures start to dip to dangerous levels.

Just kidding. Derek Jeter would never lower himself to that level. He's making a cameo as a down-on-his-luck future version of himself in a new movie staring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg (both in the background of the top picture) called The Other Guys (via Deadspin).

For Your Listening Pleasure

Here is Jonah Keri on "something called Dave Dameshek's" podcast. It's a a few minutes of circumcision talk, and about 40 more of breaking down what's left of the World Series. Dameshek is a little insufferable but Jonah is good enough to make you forget that.

After a day off, the boys at On The DL are back at it after a day off. They talk about Game 6, Gus Johnson's questionable description of Chris Johnson's speed, Steven Colbert's decision to sponsor US Speedskating and the current seasons of Mad Men and Dexter.

Go. Listen. But come back around 3:00 for the post I've been working on all day about Chase Utley, Bobby Richardson and the 1960 World Series. It's not like anything else you've read on the subject. I promise.

Some Saturday Reading

The Yankee Universe reviews A-Rod's World Series at bats one by one.

Joe P from RAB breaks down how the Yankees might use the double switch while in Philly.

If Hideki Matsui makes a start in the outfield at Citizen's Bank Park, I may lose my mind.

Great story from Bob Klapisch:

"I’m Shawn Carter," said the youngish guy who showed up at my door with a real estate agent. "You don’t know who I am, but you will."

I thought Carter – Jay-Z – was a polite, soft-spoken guy who looked a lot like Dwight Gooden. Indeed, he said he was a Mets fan (back then). Jay-Z was such an easy-going guy he decided to buy my townhouse at full asking price, with no negotiating.

I'm not sure what was less surprising: The fact that Joe Posnanski wrote 2,500 words on Derek Jeter's failed two strike bunt attempt, or the fact that it was immensely enjoyable to read.

Wezen-Ball provides some historical perspective on poor postseason umpiring.

Alex from Bronx Banter does the same for idea that the crowd was quiet during the first two games of the World Series because the fans are too rich.

Is the curveball just an illusion?

Tommy Craggs at Deadspin finally arrived at the palace in the Bronx in the "Why Your Stadium Sucks" series. According those who contributed to the post, the Stadium is a "travesty", "ugly", and "profoundly un-American". If there's a problem with the New Yankee Stadium, in my opinion, it's that it reflects (corporate) America a little too well.

And finally, this isn't reading but here's Bill Simmons' interview with Steven Colbert. Not that I would ever have this choice, but there's no way I would do an interview with Colbert. It's hard enough to not seem like an idiot when promoting something, let alone when you are doing an interview with a fake character whose shtick it to say the opposite of a good interviewer would.

The Missing Links

The news might be almost two weeks old, but these links go out to my girl Ardi, whose 3.2 million year old remains proved that there is no "missing link''.

Matthew Pouliot at Circling the Bases doesn't like the Angel's chances for mounting a comeback. Joel Sherman says they won't go down without a fight.

Sadly, the "Save Gate 2" movement isn't going so well.

Larry at Wezen-Ball re-discovers how 70 million people were captivated by the 1952 World Series in light of the fact that the Yankees and Dodgers won't be meeting in the Fall Classic again this year.

Tyler Kepner talks to Joba about his sweat-stained cap. Unfortunately he didn't tell him to get a fucking new one.

Our buddy Simon on Sports has a different take on the conspiracy theory Matt detailed this morning. And I have to admit, despite our differences, this is kind of funny.

A former up calls for the use of instant replay. Buster Onley wants it for this World Series. Like my grandfather always used to say to me, "Simmer down, Buster".

Behind the Box Score asks which is more important (or more appropriately less important), a batter's last 7 plate appearances against a pitcher or their most recent 7 times up?

I hope FOX has their finest drop button operator ready.

YFSF wonders why A-Rod isn't getting the courtesy of intentional walks extended to Barry Bonds. I mean, they walked him with their closer in Game 2 with no one on base. It's 32 plate appearances, let's not get carried away here...

King of the sports podcasts, Dan Levy, celebrates his Phillies' return to the World Series and (prematurely) sizes up the Yankees from afar. Let's just say he's not shaking in his shoes. He also talks a little bit about A.J. Daulerio's own "media meltdown" over at Deadspin yesterday.

Philly fan boo TBS. Well done, folks.

Programming Note

Both Matt and I are pretty busy this afternoon and, in the interest of full disclosure, won't have anything new posted until tomorrow morning. It doesn't happen too often around these parts, so we wanted to give you folks a heads up.

In the meantime, feel free to check out the slow motion train wreck that should have already been unfolding over at Deadspin involving Daulerio's threat to publish every tip about improper sexual relations concerning ESPN employees ever emailed to his tip line. And to think, none of this would have happened if Steve Phillips was a better talent evaluator.

That or take a look at this chart and jump to conclusions in regards to what it implies about Joe Girardi's managerial ability (via BBTF). Or check out Lisa Swan's takedown of Tom Verducci and try to explain how CC Sabathia was responsible for the Indians losing Games 6 & 7 of the ALCS to the Red Sox in '07 despite not actually pitching in them. Or try to figure out how on earth our buddy Craig got a freaking death threat over at NBC for talking about the Mariano Rivera incident yesterday. (Hint: You'll never figure the last one out.)

Okay, or just make fun of this whippersnapper who was photographed during Game 3.

Wait, I think I know that kid!

Alright I gotta get outta here before I make fun of more Angels fans under the age of 10. Two in one day is probably enough. Catch you later on.

Some Links To Get You Over The Hump

It's Wednesday. It's 3:00PM. It's one of the low points of the week. It's not an especially great day in the Yankisphere either, but here are some links to get you through the rest of the workday.

Fire Joe Morgan has been resurrected and taken over Deadspin for the day. I'm guessing that most of you are familiar with one or both of those entities, but even if you're not, check out this piece skewering Allen Barra's pitch for Derek Jeter as MVP. The headline sarcastically says it all.

PeteAbe reports that the Yanks have hit Torontowith pitches 8 times in the last five games between them while the Jays have hit the Yanks only twice and wonders if there is more to come tonight. We would also be remiss if we didn't point out that Pete is still claiming that the pitch Carlson threw behind Posada was off-speed and that John McDonald caused Joe Girardi's injuries that were visible on TV last night. It was a 90 MPH fastball according to Gameday and McDonald clipped Joe G. on the right side of his head as Matt pointed out this morning.

Pete also checks in with the official press release on 2010 ticket pricing which the Yankees oddly released a few minutes after the brawl last night.

Mike at RAB wraps up a three part series on Yankee prospect Andrew Brackman's tumultuous season down in Charleston. Check out parts one (the good) and two (the bad) as well.

Right on cue, Will Leitch ponders the implications of the loss of Andy Pettitte. To answer his last question, no, it isn't nice to finally have something to worry about.

Rob Neyer doesn't seem too concerned, though.

Tom Verducci checks in with his All-Decade Team and statistical leaders of the Aughts. Andy Pettitte has the most wins, A-Rod the most homers, Mo the most saves, and Jeter and Posada both find themselves with spots on the roster.

Here's someone from Boston who thinks Youk doesn't get the respect he deserves, in the national press (via BBTF). I think I know someone who would agree with that sentiment.

The fine folks at the Wall Street Journal have created a board game in honor of the Mets' season.

A complaint about Yankee Stadium security from the Bronx County Examiner. Don't worry, the problem had nothing to do with the writer of the article being a dick.

While looking for some background on the National Sports Daily, mentioned in a Deadspin post yesterday, I found a video promoting the now defunct newspaper that was supposed to revolutionize sports journalism back in 1991. It features editor-in-chief Frank Deford as the pitch man and has a cameo by the always smarmy Mike Lupica.

A Good Day For An Off Night

Barring the occurrence of foul weather or some other act of God, the Yankees won't play on Thursday for the rest of the regular season. With the games coming in at even more sporadic intervals in the postseason, we are beginning to be weened off baseball, whether we like it or not. Fortunately, just as baseball season is winding down, football starts to gear up. Line drives are slowly supplanted by long drives, first innings by first downs, base hits by big hits, stolen bases by interceptions and pop ups by touchdowns.

Last year the advent of football season was a welcome relief because while the Yankees' season was in its final throes, the Giants were embarking on their first Super Bowl defense since I was in second grade. With the Yankees continuing to destroy everything in their path this year, it seems like football is here too soon.

Matt ushered in the College Football season a couple of weeks ago quite beautifully, but the pigskin doesn't grab my attention until the NFL schedule starts up. Today, Big Daddy Drew at Deadspin posted his first NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo of the year, a must read for any pro football fan.

I'm a baseball fan first, but I never sit in front of the TV on a Sunday and watch two or three games that the Yankees aren't playing in. Maybe it has something to do with the temperature outside or fantasy football or gambling, but I think all of those things speak to why football is more popular than baseball. It's inherently more compelling to the casual observer. Baseball might have more to offer to those who care to look deeper, but Football doesn't require that kind of commitment.

Tonight the ratings of the Steelers vs. Titans game will almost certainly squash those of all seven of the baseball games that are on, combined.

Way back in February, I made a hokey analogy equating baseball with friendship and football with love. I'd probably change a few things if I were to write the post again, but I think the point still remains. Football is electric and physical, baseball is cordial and cerebral.

It's probably a good thing that the Yankees season slows to a halt for tonight. We get to take a step back from baseball in general and Jetermania in particular.

If you're a football fan, enjoy the game. If you're a solely baseball fan, I guess you could watch the Mets? Either way, we'll be back tomorrow morning.

What Just Happened Here?!?!

Good morning Fackers, and those of you who are still sticking around to tell us how "facking qweaah" we are.

Well it was quite a day around here wasn't it? Thanks to some Tuesday night shenanigans in Boston, some tedious work with MLB.tv and Windows Movie Maker by Jay, and gracious links from Big League Stew, Deadspin, The 700 Level, The Legend of Cecilio Guante, and the Cleveland Frowns, this place absolutely blew up. Good thing Jay and I didn't both go the Yankee game or anything like that..... oh wait, we did.

In our absence, what was conceived as a well earned jab at some jackass-ish behavior somehow devolved into a cesspool of anonymous tough-guy commenting centering around steroids, tainted championships, relative payroll levels, fanbase paranoia, recent playoff history, and a bunch of other horseshit. Oh, and I think I might have been invited to visit Texas as well. I'm still trying to discern what the hell any of that has to do with what happened in Boston Tuesday.

So at the risk of stirring up yet another shitstorm, let me see if I can offer as objective an outlook on Youkgate as humanly possible from a dirty facking Yankee fan. The way the first game and two innings of the Tigers-Sox series unfolded, I suppose something like this was bound to happen. The Sox were coming off a four game sweep at the hands of their division rival - a series that had its share of hit batsmen tomfoolery - and were playing their worst baseball of the season.

Monday night's game saw three hit batsmen: Miguel Cabrera in the top of the fourth, Youkilis in the bottom, and Brandon Inge in the the eighth. On Tuesday the teams picked up right where they left off. Cabrera was hit again in the top of the first, causing him to leave the game. For what it's worth, I didn't think that pitch was intentional. In the bottom of the inning, Porcello came inside on Victor Martinez. Martinez didn't like it. I don't think Porcello was trying to hit him, but I'm sure his intent was to come inside. Whether that was retribution or whether it was because that's just a good way to pitch I'm not entirely sure.

Either way, the climate was perfect for a fight when Youkilis led off the bottom of the second. I'm convinced that sometimes, particularly when tensions are high like that, a batter will go to the plate having already made the decision to make a big deal out of anything close to hitting him. That's how we wound up with Manny Ramirez inciting a bench clearing incident in the 2003 ALCS on a pitch that was high, but over the plate. That's how we wound up with Richie Sexson charging the mound on a pitch that was outside. And that's how we wound up with Youkilis, who had already been plunked once in the series, charging the mound on a two seam fastball that appears to have hit him without any intent.

According to pitch f/x, Tuesday night Porcello threw eight four seam fastballs, averaging nearly 93 MPH and topping out at 94 MPH. He threw half as many two seamers, averaging just under 92 MPH, and topping out at 92.2 MPH. MLB Gameday had the two seamer that hit Youkilis at a blistering 89 MPH. According to fangraphs, Porcello's pitch selection and velocity Tuesday, despite the small sample size, was in line with his results this season. So if he wanted to hit Youkilis, why would he choose to do it with a two seamer, a pitch that he throws half as often and anywhere from 1 to 5 MPH slower than his four seamer?

Some might point out that entering last night's game, Porcello had hit just one batter in 111 IP in 2009. That's a fair point, but in his lone minor league season, Porcello plunked 11 batters in just 125 innings of work. But I mean, that's all in the past right? 20 year old Major League pitchers should have impeccable control.

Either way, Youk charged the mound and threw his helmet like a coward. Porcello, giving up about twenty pounds, executed a nice hip toss that would have made Tito Santana proud, leaving Youk at the bottom of the pig pile.

Despite what the pro-Sox contingent commenting here had to say, Youk isn't winning this one on the national stage. The Deadspin comments - not the best gauge but definitely not a biased cross section - were decidedly anti-Youk. Keith Law tore him a new one before the game was even over. MLBN was none too kind to him Tuesday night, and what little coverage I saw on ESPN wasn't too complimentary either. In a way, even the MLB suspensions speak to that: Youk got five games which he began serving last night. Porcello, his ejection dubious to begin with, was also given five. However, most starting pitchers suspended for similar "offenses" have been given six games. The Tigers can easily work Porcello's suspension around an off day, making sure he doesn't miss a start. Alternatively, if Porcello's appeal reduces the suspension by a single game, it will cover his normal rest. But whatever, ignore what's being said on the national stage - several dozen anonymous commenters here can't be wrong.

Now, I don't want to pick through all ninety-some-odd comments we had on the initial post and critique them one by one, but there are two that I'd like to highlight.

First, we have the Greco-Roman wrestling expert who proclaims (sic'd) "The man on defense has the advantage when he knows its coming". Well, sure they do, that's why it's called going on the defensive. Wait - never mind - it's called going on the offensive, because, you know, it's better to attack than be attacked, particularly when you have a running start, your opponent is retreating, and you elect to use protective gear as a missile. I may not be the fighting expert that this anonymous commenter apparently is, but I have taken several physics courses, and I do know that Youkilis' 220 lbs coming at a full sprint is preferable to Porcello's 200 lbs at a standstill. Momentum equals mass times velocity. And for future reference Youk, next time you attack a guy who has you by four inches but is giving you twenty pounds, it might be a better idea to go low. Perhaps if you had spent more time with the Huggins Thugs during your time at Cincy you would know this.

Secondly, we have "I love how you end the clip before youk rolls over on him like he is about to ground and pound him to a bloody pulp". Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what was about to happen next. We've all seen this guy before. He's usually the one who talks a bunch of shit, tears his shirt off, then begs his friends to "hold him back", you know, for the other guy's good, not because he's really a pussy and doesn't actually want to fight. Alternatively, he's the guy who gets his ass kicked, and upon the merciful ending of the fight asks his friends, "Why'd you break it up?!?! I had him right where I wanted him".

Anyway, thanks for the record-shattering day everyone. With just one post we received about a month's worth of traffic. Too bad most of it was a barren wasteland of anonymous idiocy. Despite what I've described above, I see now that we probably should have blindly praised Youkilis for his gritty guttiness and his gutty grittiness. The rest of the post should have been about how the Yankees suck and all take steroids and buy championships and how insecure they are with a 5.5 game lead more than two thirds of the way through the season.

Never mind the fact that I completely unfairly slammed the guy on Monday for his outfield play over the weekend, and no one said peep. The guy took one for the team when it was needed, put himself on the line, and we (predictably) made fun of him for it no one called us out on it. The lowest common denominator wins again.

I realize that calling the blog "Fack Youk", though done somewhat tongue-in-cheek, is antagonistic. As such, a certain amount of what happened yesterday is to be expected when people don't get the joke. But I'm utterly amazed that what I thought was a fairly cut and dry post spurred the pissing match that followed. But what do I know? Keep the comments coming; let's just try to up the collective IQ a bit this time around. As for me I've said my next-to-last about the Sox until the next head-to-head series starts next Friday.

Congratulations, Rick Porcello!

Yes, the timing of this induction is a somewhat unfortunate since Deadspin just wrapped up its Hall of Fame voting and if you do something as a sportsblogger after Deadspin does it, it immediately becomes passé. But if Rick Porcello doesn't get a terribly photoshopped plaque for the events that took place last night at Fenway Park, we might as well change the name of the site to "Dustin Pedrioa Sawks Cawk".

What was great about last night was that Youk was absolutely the aggressor in the fracas, and although Porcello appeared to want nothing to do with it, he ended up on top. For a man who is 6'1", 220 to be thrown to the ground by someone who is a lanky 6'5" 200 and backpedaling must mean one thing... The guy whoze doin' da throwin' is a good ol' Paisan from fuggin' Jerzee... Am I right?

Fredrick Alfred Porcello III, you did something last night we all wish we had the opportunity to do at one point or another. Sure, Youk probably would have kicked most of our asses, but not you, sir. You stood tall and scored a victory for everyone who has ever watch Youked settle into the batters box, gyrating like a rhinoceros trying to fuck a washing machine, jerking off the bat and said, "Fuck this guy".

Welcome to the Fack Youk Hall of Fame. You've earned it.

Another Link-A-Roo

It's been a slow couple of days around here, Fackers, and we hope you understand. I know Matt's been swamped at work and I have had a lot of irons on the fire as well. Here are some more links that will hopefully tide you over.

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PeteAbe rounded up the Yankees' farmhands' stats from the MiLB All-Star games last night.

David Pinto from Baseball Musings continues his look at all 30 teams during the All-Star break today. Yesterday he examined the Yankees. Looking at where in the AL the Yanks rank it terms of pitching and offense, it becomes pretty apparent who hasn't been holding up their end of the bargain thus far.

Tommy Craggs over at Deadspin rounded up some experts on pitching mechanics to try and fix Obama's lollipop curveball. It was a pretty respectable toss, and when you compare it to his golf swing, he looks downright coordinated.

Cliff from Bronx Banter grades the Yankees based on their first half performance. On the whole they seem a little generous to me, but hop over and see for yourself.

Matthew Pouliot at Circling the Bases takes a level-headed sabermetirc look at the AL MVP. You can probably guess who comes out on top so far, but it's interesting to see how Matthew came to that conclusion.

Ben K. from River Ave. Blues talks about what the Yankees might have to give up in order to get Roy Halladay and why front officies and fans likes their own prospects better than others do. In his article, Ben links to Trenton Thunder blogger Mike Ashmore's case for trading Jesus Montero, which is well reasoned, but still doesn't make me want to see him go.

Jason Stark looks at the divergent possibilites of the Phillies signing Pedro Martinez. Joel Sherman compares him to David Cone. My thoughts... Pedro + Citizen's Bank Park = Yikes.

Before the season began, Lar from wezen-ball collected predicitons from seven bloggers (including me), Lar and a few of his friends. Click through to see how we are doing. (Hint: I'm not looking very good).

I Have Nothing To Add To This

"The only thing left to answer about this case, for now, is what kind of wacko attempts to seduce porn stars by posing as a career .248 utility player?" [Deadspin]

Thursdays Just Got A Whole Lot Less Cool

We here at Fack Youk make no secret of the fact that the name of of this rag tag outfit was inspired by Drew Magary's brilliant transcription of Bawston-speak onto the intertubes. During the NFL Season he writes the incomparable Thursday NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo, but I looked forward more to his offseason Balls Deep column, in which he seamlessly blended insights into life, sports, drinking and sex with hatred, profanity, and sarcasm. Back in June, he delivered a stirring address to the Graduating classes of '08:

You think you’re gonna make a difference? You got some nerve, asshole. You’re just part of another class going through the same routine as the class before you. You’re no different. You’re just as full of douchebags and shitheads as any other class. In fact, given the rising popularity of lacrosse, your class is probably even worse. The rest of us eventually had our dreams crushed by the cruel realities of the world. I see no reason not to burst your bubble right here and now. Heed these words, then fall in line like the rest of us.

Truly inspirational.

He also used that regular column to come up with some genuine insights into life, including when he explained why, selfishly, he was voting for Obama:

I’m voting for Barack Obama this fall. Now, I have lots of reasons to do it, all of them blatantly self-serving. Don’t like Obama? Feel like voting for McCain? Fine by me. I’m not interested in starting any sort of political flame war. But the main reason that I’m voting for Obama is because he offers something that McCain does not: an opportunity for me to “be a part” of a historic moment.

It’s an inescapable fact for both candidates that a black man winning the White House would be a far a greater milestone in American History than if another old-ass white guy were to keep the streak alive. The reason Obama can talk about change all the time without getting too specific is because he doesn’t have to get specific. He IS the change. The act of him winning, by itself, has a huge impact.

So there’s something immensely appealing to me about the prospect of living through that sort of moment. I was born in 1976. I have lived through exactly one seminal moment in American history, and that was 9/11. I would very much like something to counterbalance it. I’d like to bear witness to history and not feel ashamed for the odd kind of thrill it provides. I’m voting for the moment as much as I’m voting for the man.

Well, in yesterday's Jambaroo, the last of the NFL season, he announced that Balls Deep was no more.

Also, I regret to inform you that Balls Deep, the regular Thursday column I ran in place of the Jamboroo during the offseason, will not be returning. Much to Buzz Bissinger's relief.

Instead, I'll be continuing my editor at large duties here by popping in for random posts every so often. My hope is to litter the site with more Great Moments in Poop, polygraph tests, Nazi Shark picks, and poorly worded, profanity-filled rants. I believe I also owe the editor of this site a Cultural Oddsmaker column, so look for that, too.

Lastly, not that you needed the incentive, but I've joined Penthouse magazine as a new monthly columnist. Someone on Facebook told me they only masturbate to it for the articles. Me too!

It's a sad day to be an occasionally vulgar sports blogger. Good for Drew, Penthouse is the perfect forum for him, and I hope that what he writes over there resembles all the fantastic stuff he has done for Deadspin over the years.

The first Balls Deep column I read completely blew my mind. I didn't know you could do THAT. There wasn't (and probably still isn't) another place to get random sapient sports-related insights very specific to the college/20's demographic presented without pretense, self consciousness or an editorial filter.

I can tell you that reading his stuff not only helped encourage me to build this little thing here, but to expand my range and talk about all sorts of stuff, and not be afraid to use words that might offend some people. But like all good things, this came to an end.

We still have KSK, and like he said above, he will still make surprise appearances at The 'Spin. But on Thursdays from early February to late August, there won't be something that will make me drop whatever I'm doing at work around 4:00 and head to my Google Reader.

The Worst Halftime Show Ever

From Deadspin comes footage of by far the worst halftime show ever:

The Oklahoma City Thunder turned that concept on its head when they recently hosted a Houdini-style underwater escape act. Kristen Johnson is a professional escape artist whose specialty is getting out of handcuffs and leg irons while being fully submerged in a tube of water. Since that one trick is more thrilling than anything the Thunder have done on a basketball court this season, they booked her for the January 16th game against Detroit.

Let's just say things didn't go as planned. It took her longer than anticipated to get out of the handcuffs and ended up having a seizure before she was pulled from the tank. Video below.

[Warning: The video gets disturbing around the 3:00 mark]