That Was Painful

[This column brought to you by the 8% of me that doesn't want to try to punch a hole through a brick wall right now]

Nothing like a home playoff loss against a divisional rival by your favorite team to ruin an otherwise unbelievably awesome weekend.

This is one of those times when you are reminded that loving a sports team can be a steaming pile of baby diapers just like all other aspects of life. It was nice to watch the GMen when they were a red giant with an 11-1 record, mowing down six teams with a winning record in a row. It was not as nice to watch them dwindle into a white dwarf in a game against a team who benched their starting QB during the season and had to hit a hot streak and got fairly lucky just to sneak into the playoffs.

I'm not going to get into the officiating because that's something that fans of losing teams like to cling to, instead of acknowledging that their team wasn't good enough for that not to matter. I'm not going to get into the play calling because Kevin Gilbride knows way fucking more about football than I ever will.

Maybe it was the wind, but Eli Manning was tossing up wounded ducks the likes of which have not been seen in quite some time. The once sanctified offensive line wasn't pancaking would-be tacklers at anywhere near the rate they were when the Giants were universally considered of the best team in, as Mark Schlereth might say, THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Derrick Ward probably gave back some of the money he made himself when he violated the Panthers to the tune of 215 yards on 15 carries.

The playoff flame-out doesn't completely take away from the awesomeness of that Panthers game, the undressing of the Ravens, or the victories IN Arizona and IN Pittsburgh. It's just that now we are left with horrific hypothetical ponderance that is... "What If".

I fucking hate "What If". "What If" sucks a bag of dicks.

Tomorrow is going to be one of the rare days where work will be a welcome break from sports. I don't want to listen to Mike & Mike state the obvious, apply some hindpsychology, and talk about Plaxico Burress. I'm sure Max Kellerman will spin his take around, so he won't be eating any humble pie after proclaiming Eli Manning as the best QB in the NFL. I'd guess what Michael Kay's take is going to be, but trying to predict what such a nimble mind would say is a rabbit hole I don't want to go down.

Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I'll forget that the one team that links me to my childhood and that I truly take pride in (sorry, Yanks), just laid an egg that next Sunday will hatch into the 8-8 Arizona Cardinals, who were 3-7 outside of their historically shitty division, hosting the all-faggy-bird-team-name NFC Championship. I hate the anticlimactic nature of the BCS, but this just goes to show that even a single elimination playoff system isn't going to tie up all the loose ends either. I'm the type of person who will watch the pretty much all of the playoffs in any sport because of the inherent do-or-die drama, but I just might have to take this one off.

In the words of Bob Seger: "No matter what you dream, or feel, or say, it ends in dust and disarray"

HEY YOU!!

YEA YOU IN THE WESTBROOK JERSEY!















(Photo skills provided by Kevy Kev)

Hey Jared Allen, Nice Mullet!

No color necessary for this one...

Giants Upcoming Matchup

Hello All,

Is everyone else as excited as I am for their first week of work in 2009er (Did I catch a niner in there)? As you may know i haven't really worked for the past 2 weeks so this is especially awesome for me.)

On to my point, with the exciting games on Saturday and the shitty, unbearably boring games Sunday we have learned that our beloved Defending Champion New York Football Giants of New Jersey will be playing the Eagles of Philadelphia. Going into this past weekend, I really didn't care who won because I figured the GMen will skull fuck whoever they play anyway. After this weeks games I feel the same way. However, all we are going to hear this week is how the Eagles are going to win, the Eagles are last years Giants, the Eagles beat he Giants in the Meadowlands 4 weeks ago, etc., etc.

FUCK THAT SHIT!!!

And here is why.

First of all, what from that abortion of a game would lead anyone to think that the Eagles could beat the Giants? Was it the one 71 yard screen pass to Westbrook, the inability of T. Jackson to thrown the ball, the ineptitude of Brad Childress (and everyone on Minnesota except Purple Jesus and C. Taylor)? The Eagles played like shit and beat a team that barely beat the Giants 2nd string.

The key to beating the Eagles is running the ball. This is why the Giants lost last time they played: Brandon Jacobs was out. Now, I believe that Derrick Ward can carry the load without Jacobs, but there is no denying that Jacobs is the premier playmaker on this offense. Also, that last game four weeks ago was Week 1 LAB (Life After Burress). So, not only is your best RB out, but your best WR is out too. The Giants are still a very dangerous team without Burress, but they obviously will need some adjustment time to revamp the offensive to work with their personnel.

So the Eagles will now have to come into a very hostile stadium and play a team that is has been resting for pretty much three weeks and has their brusier of a RB back and a passing attack that will be brand new to them.

The only thing that startles me a little is Antonio Pierce. He has been getting torched all season by various TE and RB, including Westbrook (Note: middle LB needs to be addressed in the first round of this years draft). I think that he will probably give up a few plays, but I fully expect the Giants offense to be too much for the Eagles to handle.

Will's Prediction:
GMen 27
Eagles 17

Other Writers' Average Prediction:
Gmen 10
Eagles 198

San Diego Chargers at Pittsburgh Steelers

This should be the 2nd best game of the weekend.

This is a rematch of the Week game that produced the only 11-10 game in NFL history

The hot Chargers have won 5 in a row, including last week's OT win over The Colts in San Diego. The Chargers now have to travel to Pittsburgh where I'm sure it will be cold and windy.

Pittsburgh, looking for its first playoff win since its Super Bowl XL victory over the Seattle Seahawks is led by their #1 ranked defense--#1 against the pass and #2 against the run.

Key for San Diego: With LaDainian Tomlinson likely out with a groin injury, Darren Sproles needs to come close to matching his 328 all-purpose yards, including 105 rushing yards, that he had against the Colts. I don't see him replicating those numbers against the Steeler's stout D.

Key for Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh's ability to protect Roethlisberger, who had been sacked 40 something times this year and given up many interceptions/fumbles as a result of being blitzed. Protection will give Big Ben the ability to exploit San Diego's horrible secondary. I am not too confident in the ability of Willie Parker and Melwelde Moore to beat the 11th ranked San Diego Run D. They would then need to score a lot of points off of turnovers.

Pick

Pittsburgh: 17
San Diego: 10

Arizona Cardinals at Carolina Panthers: Preview

The Panthers are 8-0 in Carolina this year. The temperature at the 8:15PM kickoff will be 39 Degrees. There will also be a 60% chance of precipitation.

This weather favors a ground game and other than the Giants there is no more lethal ground game in the NFL than the Carolina Panthers with their 1-2 combo of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. Arizona ranked 16th in run defense during the season and shut down Michael Turner last week. Can they do it again? I don’t think so. Arizona ranked 32nd in the NFL in rushing offense. It is also expected to be without stud WR Anquan Boldin.

Delhomme is a seasoned veteran and him and Steve Smith/Mushin Muhammad should hook up for a few scores against an Arizona D that gave up 36 passing TDs in the regular season.

Pick:

Carolina: 35
Arizona: 10

Creep Of The Week

Sorry, had to break the B&W code for this one...

Wow, Kyle Vanden Bosch. I'm gonna be honest. That's a little weird, brah. Did you really have to wear red contact lenses to psyche out the legendary Ravens offense, who was starting a rookie QB on the road?

Frank: Vanden Douche
Jay: They showed him from the side angle earlier in the game and I was like "Aaaahhhh... his fucking eye is bleeding!!!!"

The Titans deserved to lose for this reason alone.

Why Does Jeff Fisher Still Have a Job?

14 seasons with the Titans. His only accomplishment? Being 1 yard from winning Super Bowl XXXIV against the Rams' Greatest Show on Turf.

5-6 Postseason Record after his top seeded team lost to the visiting Ravens.

Regular Season record of 128-102 (.557)

Sure his players "love" him. However, is that really a good thing? Look at all the asshole coaches out there like Parcells, Belichick, and Coughlin. They aren't loved by there players but they are damn successful.

"Field Goal" Fisher Should Be Canned.Bud Adams is an idiot and horrible owner for accepting this lingering mediocrity. Titans fans deserve more.

Greatest Interview Ever

Adam "Pacman" Jones was just interviewed by James Brown on CBS. There will definitely more on this but here is possible the greatest interview question ever asked in the history of... um... the fucking universe.

JB: You were in an incident at a strip club in Las Vegas and Atlanta. What is it about strip clubs that you can't stay away from?

Pacman: Ya kno man, da strip club b lik da reglar club, nawmeen.

Baltimore at Tennessee: Preview

Due to stellar defenses on both sides (Baltimore ranked 2nd overall—including 3rd against the run; Tennessee ranked 7th overall—6th against the run), I think this game will undoubtedly be the most boring one of the weekend.

Baltimore shut down the Wildcat and should have no problem shutting down Chris Johnson and Lendale White. Kerry the Drunken Fairy isn’t exactly a world beater. As long as Joe Flacco doesn’t turn the ball over the Ravens should have no problem.

How many interceptions will Ed Reed have?

Pick:
Baltimore: 13
Tennessee: 6

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part IV]

[This is part III of the several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity. Here are Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 if you missed them.]

I moved to Philadelphia over two and a half years ago after spending the majority of my life in Upstate New York. While this has been a great experience, both personally and professionally, it has also opened my eyes to by far the worst group of people on the face of the Earth. Yes, I am talking about the fan base of the Philadelphia Eagles. I am not saying this just because I am a fan of the defending Super Bowl Champion New York Football Giants; I can promise you I would be saying the same if I were a Broncos fan.

Prior to moving to the City of Brotherly Love, my perception of the stereotype of an Eagles fan was that they were a bunch of blue-collar, hard working guys who live and die by the team, do not take kindly to opposing fans in their stadium and boo anything in sight. This could not be further from the truth, and I would respect them a whole lot more if this were accurate. No, they are degenerate idiots, who know nothing about football, their team, sports, or reality in general. Everything about the Eagles screams trashy, from the awful people that call into the Howard Eskin show, to the ghetto tailgate, to the trashy drunk girl in the stands screaming at everyone in her immediate vicinity, but can't name 3 players on the field (come to think of it, this probably describes 60% of the stadium).

I have been having a tough time deciding how to properly outline just how awful this group of human beings really is, so I have decided to lay out a few points and expound on what exactly has led to such a deep hatred after just two and a half years.

1. Eagles Fans Are Not Tough (like they claim to be): Last season, all I heard was how awful the Giants were and how embarrassing it must be to be a Giants fan. Well that went out the door after the Giants' Super Bowl run and not one of these people would respond to a text or call for weeks. If I were on the receiving end, and in the slight possibility the Giants were to lose this weekend, I would be a stand-up guy and admit defeat to everyone I have been talking shit to all year. Not Eagles fans. They are a bunch of 2nd rate, crying babies who like to talk tough before the game is played on the field, and disappear when they lose.
   
2. Eagles Fans Are Racist: This is the only explanation for the hatred of Donovan McNabb. The man has led them to 8 playoff wins in 10 years and a Super Bowl appearance, yet they despise him and want to run him out of town after every incompletion. They claim all that matters is a Super bowl, yet not one QB in an Eagles uniform has ever won one, even their all time favorite QB, Ronald Vincent "Jaws" Jaworski who just happens to be white (and is possibly one of the most annoying human beings in the world). McNabb is the Eagles all-time leader in every category that matters, yet they hate him with a passion.
   
3. Eagles Fans Do Not Watch The Game: I have had the unfortunate experience of attending about 5 games at Lincoln Financial Field over the past couple of years. Each time, only a handful of fans in my section were paying attention to the game; the rest were looking for fans in an away jersey to chant “Asshole, Asshole, Asshole” at (I think Philly kids are taught in school to do this). In addition, I watched last weekend’s Vikings-Eagles matchup with a number of Eagles "fans.” I saw much more of the game than any of them, but sure enough when the Eagles barely beat a mediocre team, they went on tell me how badly the Giants were going to lose.


4. Eagles Fans Wear Their Jerseys Everywhere: This is the most annoying aspect of Eagles fans. THEY WEAR THEIR FUCKING JERSEYS EVERYWHERE! It is awful. I swear to you, if you go to a Phillies game in June, you will see Eagles jerseys everywhere. And I am not talking about a nice throw back or an authentic jersey, I am talking about the ugly as fuck black cheap ones. If this is not bad enough, they have the nerve to sit at a Phillies or Sixers or Flyers game and scream at the top of the lungs (in their hideous black jerseys) the most dreaded chant in all of sports, E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES! Hey asshole, do you realize you are at baseball game in June, or are you just trying to annoy the shit out of me?

These people are like gnats. They are everywhere and while they are more or less harmless (see point number 1), the mere sight of them annoys the absolute shit out of you. I must admit, this does not describe the entire fan base. Many of my local friends are Eagles fans and most are objective, reasonable fans like you or me. However, I think I found the only ten sane fans in the entire city. I want nothing more than the Giants to win 107-0 on Sunday and listen to them bitch and whine for the next six months about how much Andy Reid sucks and McNabb has never won a big game. All I will do is remind them our goofy looking QB has.

LET'S GO G-MEN!!!!!!!!!!!

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part III]

[This is Part III of the several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity. Here are Part 1, and Part 2 if you missed them.]

Up until this season I was a Dallas Cowboys fan so I have plenty of experience hating the Philadelphia shEagles and their pathetic, boorish, racist fans (with the exception of my sister and her two children—poor kids).

For me the event that perfectly characterizes these sub-humans is the cheering of Michael Irvin’s 1999 career-ending neck injury while he lied motionless for 20 minutes on Veteran’s Stadium rat-infested carpet. Many fans in the crowd of 66,669 cheered when they realized Irvin was hurt, and again when paramedics wheeled a stretcher onto the field. "Unspeakable, even for us," proclaimed a headline in the Philadelphia Daily News.

While The Playmaker is not liked by non-Cowboys fans due to the fact he was a U graduate, his multitude of moral and legal indiscretions and crazy success against their teams, I think the only individuals who people should take pride in seeing suffer are rapists or murderers.

The next events that raise ire about Iggles fans are:

•Booing of Santa Claus—Seriously?
•A municipal court in Veterans Stadium/The Linc—Because there are tons of reasons to get in fights at sporting events
•Fans pelted national TV broadcasters with snowballs during a Cowboys-Eagles game in 1989—WTF did TV broadcasters do?
•Booing of Donovan McNabb at the 1998 Draft—What did he do wrong?

My sister was also at an Eagles-Cowboys game a few years ago at The Linc when McNabb threw a game-winning Pick 6 that all of Philly fans around her starting yelling racist remarks at McNabb—even little kids! She was embarrassed to be a fellow fan.

How about their “Fly Eagles Fly” song and fans flapping their arms like wings after a touchdown? Grow the fack up!

Enough about the fans. How about the organization?

Owner Jeffrey Lurie is a scumbag and a horrible owner. Like T.O. or not, Lurie should have given him a new contract after T.O. had to sign that waiver to play in Super Bowl XXXIX and was the only one to perform (Donovan McNabb’s digestive system notwithstanding). He has given Head Coach Andy Reid a blank check despite Reid not accomplishing anything and spending too much time with his sons’ heroin and firearms problems. Reid is a fat fack who needs to pay attention to his team and re-learn how to call plays.

The Big G: A Retrospective

Now that Jason Giambi has signed a deal with his former team, the Oakland A's, worth slighty less ($4.5M) than his $5M buyout from the Yankees, the time has come to evaluate The Big G's tenure in pinstripes. Being a Red Sox fan, Brendan has voiced his dislike of Giambi and understandably so, considering we named this blog after our dislike of his obverse on the Sox. Up until the 2008 season, I really didn't know much about him, aside from the fact that he had a great set of initials. To me, he was the slow-footed, hard-hitting first baseman, with an intimidating left handed stance and a great eye.

The Yankees signed J. Gilbert Giambi coming off of back to back incredible offensive seasons playing in a pitchers ballpark in Oakland, finishing 1st and 2nd in MVP voting in 2000 & 2001 respectively. He put up OPS+es of 187 & 198 in the greatest offensive era of all time (league average OPS+ in any given season is always 100). It wasn't quite Manny Ramirez money (8yrs/$160M), but the 7 year, $120M deal he signed in 2002 represented what the Yankees thought was a commitment to a franchise cornerstone type of player.

Unfortunately, that's not what they got. Despite the looming short porch at Yankee Stadium helping him to 81 HRs in his first two seasons in pinstripes, Giambi never amassed the the all around offensive numbers he did with Oakland. His highest OPS+ with the Yankees was 171 in 2002 and the only other time he breached 150 was in 2005 with 161. In 2004 and 2007, injuries cut his seasons in half and in the games he did play in, his production was far below his career norms.

Regrettably, his most memorable moment as a Yankee was probably the press conference where he responded to the leaked BALCO testimony, during which he issued an (understandably) intentionally vague apology for using PEDs. This, of course, transcends the incident itself and casts a shadow upon every aspect of Giambi's shortcomings in his Yankees career.

The drop off in production from Oakland to the Yankees? Steroids. Injuries to a traditionally durable player? HGH. The benign tumor he had to have removed? Clearly a result of all that juicin'...

The problem with the performance enhancing drug stain on Major League Baseball is all the collateral damage it has caused. There are players who have used and not been caught and there are probably players that have been accused who have never tried to gain that edge. Who knows how much of Giambi's downfall was really precipitated by the corners he cut?

He was already 31 years old when he signed with the Yankees, and in hindsight it looks pretty damn ridiculous to pay a one dimensional player that kind of money at that stage of his career (especially in 2002 dollars). But at that point, Baseball was looking at player's decline phases (or lack thereof) through testosterone-colored lenses.

Shortly before the golden thong "story", but slightly after he grew the State Trooper Giambi 'stache, you could have told me he did anything absolutely anything during the offseason and I would have believed you. "Oh, yeah, he's the bassist for this sick death metal band"... Awesome! Have you seen them live? "My uncle shared a guide hunting Asian Elk with him in Mongolia"... Wow, did he get his autograph? "Rumor has it he dropped in during a huge swell out at Mavericks". No fucking way... Well, he is from California, right?

As a fan, you really don't know much about the players who you root for. I've never met anyone on the current Yankees roster, so I have to go on subtle indications of what kind of person they are. Besides their performance, which is first and foremost, you judge them based things like their body language, their minute long interviews with Kim Jones, how they interact with their teammates or whether or not they chat up opposing players on the field.

Around the time when he narrowly missed the All-Star game last year via the "Final Vote", I found out his personal motto was "Party like a rock star, hammer like a porno star and rake like an All-Star", the first part of which was affirmed by this picture, snapped during the All-Star break in his year-round hometown of Las Vegas.

But more interestingly, this season Peter Abraham shared a few stories about Giambi that really changed my perception of him, like this one:

Heard a great story today. After the rookies dressed up in their Village People outfits on Saturday and went back to the hotel, Jason Giambi invited them all to the hotel bar. After a few drinks, he paid for a bus to take all the rookies, a few other players, some staff members, assorted friends and a security guard to the Capital Grille for dinner. The Big G hosted a dinner for about 25 people, including the bus driver who he insisted join the group. He paid for the whole thing and dropped a huge tip on the wait staff.

On the way back to the hotel, Jason told the kids that he wished them a long and happy career and to always watch out for the rookies on their team.

Giambi told the other players he didn’t want any publicity for what he did. Tough break, Jason. People should know you’re a good dude.

Derek Jeter is the one and only captain of the Yankees, so you never heard about The Big G's leadership skills. I don't remember reading all that much about him as a "clubhouse presence" (probably because he never won a World Series with the team). Amazingly, the guy who made a tacit admission of using steroids, and underperformed his enormous contract ended up flying under the radar to some extent.

This seasons' emergence of the 'stache, his 32 homers in 2008 (including this pinch hit, two out, walk off home run against the Jays) all re-endeared him to the fans. He left the Yankees under the cover of a tumultuous flurry of offseason spending and slipped out the back door as quietly as a guy who didn't really live up to a $120M contract possibly could have.

I'll leave you with another quote from Mr. Abraham...

I wish I could tell you some of the great lines Giambi has had over the years but I’d get fired in a minute. Suffice it to say, he’s one of the few people I’ve ever met who can use a certain word as a noun, adjective, adverb and verb, sometimes all in the same sentence.

Good luck to Jason. He has some ups and down in pinstripes but he was never boring.