Saturday, February 7, 2009

Need A Laugh? [Non-Sports]

It has not been the greatest of days so far for fans of the Yankees. But if you don't laugh at this, you are a vegetable.

(h/t Schiff)

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Joe Torre (#6)

That's all you get Joe, a picture. Enough has been been said about you lately.

And also...


No one cares about your stupid fucking book anymore, do they?


Despite my strong personal dislike for his postseason performances, I have been reluctant to call Alex Rodriguez "A-Fraud." I never understood the meaning of the term. How exactly was he fraudulent? Given his personality, A-Hole seemed like the proper A-hyphenated nickname. I myself preferred the name "Mr. 162" label -- for his propensity for regular season greatness and postseason suckitude.

However, Selena Roberts and David Epstein of Sports Illustrated have launched a nuclear bomb that give this "A-Fraud" nickname proverbial legs. According to four sources of the two writers of the once-great periodical, in 2003, when he won the American League home run title and his first AL Most Valuable Player award as a shortstop for the Texas Rangers, Alex Rodriguez tested positive for two anabolic steroids. According to the sources, Rodriguez's name appears on a list of 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball's '03 survey testing.

The results of that year's survey testing of all players were meant to be anonymous under the joint agreement between the commissioner's office and the players association. However, the results were discovered after Feds seized the '03 test results from Comprehensive Drug Testing, Inc., of Long Beach, CA as part of the BALCO investigation by the government. The list of the players is currently sealed. However, sources who know contents of the list told SI that A-Rod tested positive for testosterone and an anabolic steroid known as Primobolan. Some anonymity...

According to the 2007 Mitchell Report, in September 2004, Gene Orza, the chief operating officer of the players' union, violated an agreement with MLB by tipping off a player (not named in the report) about an upcoming, supposedly unannounced drug test. Three major league players who spoke to SI said that Rodriguez was also tipped by Orza in early September 2004 that he would be tested later that month. Rodriguez declined to respond on Thursday when asked about the warning Orza provided him. Wow. you're tipped off and still cannot even pass. Certainly a clutch performer...

Great. Distractions. Just what A-Rod needs. Just what the Yankees need. As if screwing Madonna was not enough. As if the Torre book was not enough.

Rodriguez has repeatedly denied steroid use in the past, including in a "60 Minutes Interview" with Katie Couric. In the interview, when asked by Couric if he had used steroids, human growth hormone or another performance-enhancing drug, Rodriguez said categorically, "No."

"I think baseball's done a fine job of implementing some very strict rules," Rodriguez said in the interview. "I mean, I got tested eight or nine times. I know some of my teammates got tested, you know, seven, eight ... times and, you know, if you think about where the game is today versus where it was six years ago, I think Major League Baseball has made some nice strides."

"I've never felt overmatched on the baseball field," Rodriguez said. "... I felt that if I did my, my work as I've done since I was, you know, a rookie back in Seattle, I didn't have a problem competing at any level."

Many people, myself included, thought that A-Rod was untainted and could not wait until he eventually dethroned Barry Bonds as the Home Run King. This news, which turns A-Rod into "A-Fraud," is like somebody stepping on your junk with steel toed boots.

Fortunately for A-Rod, unfortunately for Yankees fans/the Yankee organization, it does not appear that A-Rod's contract will be able to be voided.

Alex, can't you just retire? You have already made more money than anybody needs. As a liar and a cheat, everybody hates you, including Yankees fans. Your records and statistics mean nothing after you cheated or are accused of cheating. Retiring would spare you the public scorn that will disintegrate your already weaker than peanut butter brittle psyche and let you screw as many muscular broads as you want. Maybe you can work with fellow New York cheater Elliot Spitzer. Retiring would be a win-win situation for everyone. PLEASE! JUST DO IT! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!


Everyone is talking about how the other 103 players besides A-Rod on that list have to be sweating it out.

How about George Mitchell? The egg is already all over his face and when David Ortiz or any other Red Sock pops up on that list he's going to get an carton's worth more. There are 103 more names to come, it's going to happen. His "objectivity" will be destroyed and everything that went into the stupid fucking Mitchell Report will be called into question.

The only silver lining is that this makes Bud Selig look like even more of a ignoramus.


Hey Alex, just a quick bit of advice.

Admit it.

If you deny this, the questions will pile up, reporters will never leave you alone, and your life will be a living hell. Look at Clemens. Now look in the mirror. Be the first big star to own up. Trust me.

Shyster's take.
Will Carroll's take.

Nixon, Bonds, Belichick, A-Rod [Breaking News]

All cheated but none had to.

More to come.