Not So Breaking News: Damon To Tigers

Hello Fackers. We interrupt this regularly scheduled weekend to bring you a breaking news bulletin. Johnny Damon, he of the magical DNA and absurd contract demands, has finally signed. Our long national nightmare is over.

Out of any alternate options, Damon has reportedly signed with the Tigers for one year, $8M, with no deferred money. All things considered, Scott Boras' mysterious powers over Tigers' owner Mike Ilitch was the only saving grace for his client. The Tigers were bidding against themselves essentially, and Boras was still able to get his client more than he rightly could expect by this point.

Still, Damon's deal is a far cry from Boras' initial three year $39M demand to the Yankees, a far cry from the terms discussed prior to Nick Johnson signing, and not much more than the Yankees' final offer of one year $6M. In the end, Damon was left with no other option but to ink a deal with Detroit, a franchise whose offseason began by dumping important cogs in Curtis Granderson, Edwin Jackson, and Placido Polanco, but concluded with signing a closer to a two year $14M deal and paying a 36 year old left fielder more than anyone else was willing.

We wish Damon all the best in Detroit, and Yankee fans will fondly remember his contributions over the past four seasons. But, as our friend Jason likes to remind us, and as Johnny Damon has illustrated for the second time in his career, it's about the money, stupid.

Breaking News: We Are Three Weeks Into May

Dear MetLife & The Yankees,

If you are designate a Player of the Month, you might want to honor within a week or so of said month. That way, Brian Waldman won't have to stand next to a guy who is hitting .102/.262/.184 over the past three weeks. And please never use "Breaking News" in the subject line of one of your emails to me ever again unless something terrible has happened to everyone on the Red Sox or we signed Yu Darvish.

Sincerely,
Fack Youk

Breaking News: A-Rod Out for 6-9 Weeks for Hip Surgery

Per the Yankees, and not ESPN Deportes, A-Rod will have surgery on his right hip on Monday and will be out for 6-9 weeks. This surgery is "less major" than the surgery that would have required him to miss 4 months and which will occur at the end of the season.

Rodriguez will undergo the surgery on Monday morning in Vail, Colo., having the procedure performed by hip specialist Dr. Marc Philippon. Rodriguez is expected to return to Major League game-ready shape in six to nine weeks.

"The goal here is to allow Alex to rehab rapidly in a safe manner," Dr. Philippon said. "The approach we're using is much safer than letting Alex play the way he is now."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was originally critical of Alex for "being selfish" and deciding to have the surgery done on Company Time. However, the blame is clearly on the Yankees and their doctors for not discovering this defect earlier in time despite his hip nagging him last year.

As a typically "risk-adverse" individual, I think that this procedure will be the best. Missing 1 month of the season is obviously better than missing 4 months. And instead of doing nothing and risking a career-ending injury that would royally fack Los Yankees, the labrum will be stabilized.

Get well soon, Alex. Maybe T.O. with his new deal with the Buffalo Bills, will be able to buy you a hyperbaric chamber.

Breaking News: A-Rod Out for 10 Weeks for Hip Surgery

Despite his hip bothering him last year, according to his brother Joe, A-Rod has decided to get hip surgery to remove a cyst during Spring Training rather than during the offseason and will be out until May...

Example 5,080 of A-Rod being selfish. However, you think he would have announced that he would be having the surgery at the height of his PED shitstorm.

What are the chances that A-Rod received his cyst as a result of steroid use? Surely this will re-ignite the speculation that A-Rod used steroids after 2003.

Sorry Ms. Selena Roberts. Your book will not have the same impact with A-Rod not playing in the New Yankee Stadium's inaugural game.

Update from the Lohud of the Rings: Cashman said Alex Rodriguez has a torn hip labrum and cyst. Instead of surgery they will try rest and rehab.

I am a Juris Doctor, not a Medical Doctor, but a torn hip labrum sounds pretty fucking bad...

La reputación de ESPN Deportes ha sufrido otra vez.

Breaking News: Mike Francesa Sh_t Himself

If you were listening Mike'd Up, you may have noticed that Mike Francesa took an unexpected break. They went to a commercial, and were about to come back from break when there was a pretty long silence. It was probably over a minute long, and only ended when they started replaying an interview with Jerry Reese that had taken place earlier in the show. When it ended, Rich Ackerman came on and said something to the effect of "Mike is feeling under the weather and has gone home. Maybe a touch of the flu".

I think we all know what that means.

/nods at the title

//looks back at you

///smirks

(h/t Cliff, as I do not listen to WFAN, but will gleefully accuse any of their hosts of shitting their pants)

A-Roid & Gammons Interview Reactions (With A Special Guest Appearance)

Not sure if anybody caught this, but it looks like Serena Roberts really has been stalking him. Check it out.
I know. It's pretty bad. But there really aren't that many pictures of her to choose from and no good place for her to be "hiding".

Some notes about the interview:

• I love how before he mentioned Selena Roberts by name he referred to her as "that lady from Sports Illustrated"
• He said she actually tried to break into his house and had documentation from the Miami Police to prove it, but Gammons didn't even ask to see it.
  
• He only apologized to his fans in Texas. Um, fuck that. You better feel sorry that you dicked over all of your Yankee fans over too. Because when you are cashing in $5M of our money for every legend you pass on the home run list, it's just going to dredge this shit up. If the Yankees were drafting your contract this offseason, they'd take those milestone clauses out in 2/3 of a second.
• Fiji Water? Nice choice.

• I originally thought that the reason he said he didn't know what exactly he was taking is that it was illegal at the time, and didn't want to incriminate himself. However, Craig from Shysterball was nice enough to answer my email and set me straight:

Me: Quick Question: Would there be a legal reason that A-Rod isn't admitting he knew what he took? Because they are/were illegal, etc... It sounds pretty stupid otherwise.

Craig: Quick Answer: No real legal reason I can think of. Even if he was doing crack, the statute of limitations on 2003 using would have run by now. My guess is that, in the permissive 2003-era, it was simply a matter of guys saying "give me some juice" and not really knowing what, exactly, they were taking beyond broad categories such as HGH or steroids.

Makes sense. Listening to the full interview, you get the feeling that he might have been trying to seem innocent because saying "give me some juice" is a lot more "naive" than talking about stacking Primobolan.

Anyway that was some quality television and despite the ribbing I've given him, he did come across as pretty genuine and remorseful and handled it pretty much as well as I could have hoped for. We're on the right track. Before the 2007 season, he got that pathetic Jeter friendship "issue" out in the open and had a banner year. It's a new season, in The New Stadium, and it's an odd numbered year. I'm predicting big things for Professor Purple Lips this season.

The Many (Awkward) Faces Of Alex Rodriguez

This was too easy. For one thing, I sort of stole the idea from The Sports Hernia.

But really, any person on planet Earth would make a ton of retarded-looking faces when they are being grilled on SportsCenter in front of tens of millions of people about something of this magnitude. Luckily for most of us, we won't have to answer those questions and if we did, some asshole probably wouldn't take the time to take pictures of it with their digital camera off their HDTV, resize and crop them and upload them on to their shitty blog.

However, my job is to not take any of that into account and instead use these screen grabs to make fun of him on these here internets. I watched it in slow motion to select the proper frames, and he looked like he was literally being tortured.

Anyway, here it goes. These pictures make it look like just he recorded the most emotional Proactiv testimonial ever given. I omitted any further snarky comments because they're honestly not even necessary.

It has been far and away our most colorful day here at Fack Youk. Apologies to our black and white traditionalists (Schiff), but it was all original content.

Attaboy [Breaking News]

#105

Everyone is talking about how the other 103 players besides A-Rod on that list have to be sweating it out.

How about George Mitchell? The egg is already all over his face and when David Ortiz or any other Red Sock pops up on that list he's going to get an carton's worth more. There are 103 more names to come, it's going to happen. His "objectivity" will be destroyed and everything that went into the stupid fucking Mitchell Report will be called into question.

The only silver lining is that this makes Bud Selig look like even more of a ignoramus.

DO NOT HIRE RUSTY HARDIN

Hey Alex, just a quick bit of advice.

Admit it.

If you deny this, the questions will pile up, reporters will never leave you alone, and your life will be a living hell. Look at Clemens. Now look in the mirror. Be the first big star to own up. Trust me.

Shyster's take.
Will Carroll's take.

Nixon, Bonds, Belichick, A-Rod [Breaking News]

All cheated but none had to.

More to come.

Herm Edwards Fired [Breaking News]

In Scott Pioli's first move as GM of the Kansas City Chiefs, head coach Herm Edwards has been fired.

While Herm "Plays to Win the Game," he wasn't very good at it. In 3 seasons with the franchise, he was 15-33. Pretty mediocre.

Maybe Gilbride will replace him. Giants fans can only hope. Or perhaps "Chucky" Gruden. I think Atlanta Offensive Coordinator Mike Mularkey will also be a candidate (although in my first season ever as a Falcons fan I was not too impressed with him). Here's to hoping that con-artist, ex-BC coach Jeff Jagodzinski does not get it.