Thursday, March 5, 2009

Breaking News: ESPN Deportes Never Wrong!

These screen shots were all taken within a few minutes of each other, some have the time noted, most importantly ESPN's homepage and the Peter Abraham post.

Enrique Rojas, a little quick on the trigger. Again.

But Peter Abraham talked to Brain Cashman and set the record straight.

As of 3:44, it's still on ESPN.com.

Do you think ESPN hands off all of their spurious reporting on baseball players of Latin descent to ESPN Deportes in an effort to get the scoop if it's right, and drive traffic in the meantime, but not harm the master brand if it's wrong?

It's pretty amazing how often they are way off.

For the record, we got duped as well.

D-D-D-D-Dr. K.!

I know this is no way "newsy" or current, but it's never the wrong time to make fun of the Mets.

I've listened to a lot of music in my life, but I can say with reasonable certainty that these are the two worst songs I've ever heard (aside from this one):




I'm going to put the over under of the amount of times "Dr. K." is said/sang in that song at 75. And take the over...

Notice the "sound effects" in the beginning. It's basically just some guy going "Sssshhhhhhh. Pppffff. Stteeeeerike One." into the microphone.

Here are some of the masterfully written lines which I painstakingly transcribed, just in case you overcame the masochistic impulses to keep listening, and turned it off after 15 seconds like any normal person should have.

Please note the commas, because the flow of the song is really that broken and choppy.

"There's a man named Gooden, from Tampa Bay,
But the Big Apple calls him, Dr. Kkkkkk!
He mows them down, with the greatest of ease,
Bringing big league hitters, down to they knees,
The number sixteen, is on his chest,

and he does a mean thing, for the New York Mets"

At the 0:53 mark, I'm pretty sure the line is:

"Smokin' with speed any night or day, that's why the fans like, D-D-Dr. K."

Wow. Please tell me I'm wrong.

The Chorus:
"Who's the baddest pit-cher today? Dr. K.! Dr. K!
Who's the Cy Young winner who hurls a K? Dr. K.! Dr. K!
Who leaves all the batters in dis-array? Dr. K.! Dr. K!
The premier Met Ace on displaaaaay! Dr. K.! Dr. K!
Uh Dr. K., Dr. K...
Doctor Kaaayyyyyyy...

"The Mets were hot in eighty-six, they came that year, with a lot of tricks"

"From New York City to Hollywood, everybody knows, the Doc is good"


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Not to be outdone, Darryl Strawberry made a song called Chocolate Strawberry.




Here is Darryl's solo verse, with some added commentary:

"My name is Dar-ryl, I'm a baseball playa,
One thing I forgot to say-uh,

You forgot to say something? It's your second fucking line. And you could have probably tried a little harder to make that rhyme. I just wrote a better rhyme by accident.

When I'm on the field on on top of the world,
I get screams from all the girls,

Wow, I'm really glad you remembered that!

Everybody in the Stadium screams for me,


Including the girls?

Strike one, strike two, but no strike three,
When I'm runnin', all the players make space,

Well, yes, because otherwise they would be called for interference.

I run, I slide, and then I'm safe
Yo, I ain't soft,
I even get paid on my days off,

Doesn't getting paid on your days off make you soft?

Grand Slamma!

Non sequitir!

(Are you as good as they, SAY?)
I guess you never came to see me play!
Any pitch you throw, I control it,

Me? The listener? I'm not pitching to you.

Lookin' for third base, Yo I stole it,
That's riiight,
I took it while you wasn't lookin',

Again, I think you are talking to the wrong person.

So gimme your beef, homeboy,
I'm cookin'.

No. No you are not. They should have cut your part after the first bar. You and Eddie Murphy must have had the same producer...

I can get loose so don't you try,
I graduated from Crenshaw High,

I'm actually surprised by that, could you provide some verification?

You can even ask Eric Boogie, E?

Oh, excellent. Eric Boogie, did Darryl graduate from Crenshaw High?

(My name is Darryl, but you can call me D, hit it)

Ladies: Straaaaawwwbeeeerrrr....

You didn't answer my question.

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If it's slow here today, it's because I'm off to Tampa to record my new tracks "Left and Large" with CC Sabathia and "Juicy Goosey" with A-Rod (his verse is in Spanish!).

Breaking News: A-Rod Out for 10 Weeks for Hip Surgery


Despite his hip bothering him last year, according to his brother Joe, A-Rod has decided to get hip surgery to remove a cyst during Spring Training rather than during the offseason and will be out until May...

Example 5,080 of A-Rod being selfish. However, you think he would have announced that he would be having the surgery at the height of his PED shitstorm.

What are the chances that A-Rod received his cyst as a result of steroid use? Surely this will re-ignite the speculation that A-Rod used steroids after 2003.

Sorry Ms. Selena Roberts. Your book will not have the same impact with A-Rod not playing in the New Yankee Stadium's inaugural game.


Update from the Lohud of the Rings: Cashman said Alex Rodriguez has a torn hip labrum and cyst. Instead of surgery they will try rest and rehab.

I am a Juris Doctor, not a Medical Doctor, but a torn hip labrum sounds pretty fucking bad...

La reputaciĆ³n de ESPN Deportes ha sufrido otra vez.

Who?

Oh, THAT Manny Ramirez. Thanks for clearing that up.

Alternative headlines that would have just as easily gotten the point across:

I Can See It Now...

Come on Dan Snyder, you know you want to. You are only one piece from that Super Bowl Winning (or complete and total shitstorm of a) team you've always dreamed of. What could go wrong???

(Ed Note: I know he wouldn't wear #81 because it is retired for Art Monk, but it would have looked stupid with another number.)