Friday, February 13, 2009

Awww, Don't You Know Who The F___ I am?

Brandon Jacobs isn't going to be happy about this...
The Giants locked Brandon Jacobs up for at least the 2009 season by slapping the dreaded “franchise player” tag on him this afternoon. That decision — only the second time the Giants have ever used the “franchise” tag and the first time since they tagged Jumbo Elliott in 1993 — guarantees Jacobs a salary of $6.621 million next season, which is the average of the top five running back salaries last year. It also gives the Giants the right to match any contract offer Jacobs receives during the free-agent signing period.
Early last season, shortly after having discovered the video below, while watching a Giants game, Sampson and I dubbed Jacobs "The Juggernaut". The Max Kellerman Show later arrived at the same conclusion and still uses some two-second drops (which are only two seconds long because there is a curse word every three seconds) from the video on their show. If you like comic book-based cartoons, ebonics or just pretending Brandon Jacobs did the voiceovers for this video, enjoy the show. . .

What's This About Something Reporting Somewhere?

No. No You Are Not.

Alex Rodriguez is not from the Dominican Republic. He was born in New York City in 1975. Both of his parents were born the DR and he lived there briefly when he was four years old, before moving to Miami.

Alex, the DR is one of the poorest countries in the world. The PPP per capita income is $8,116 a year. You made three times that PER INNING last year. In 2005, you said, "I want to say it out loud: I am Dominican". However, this is the extent of your charitable contributions to the country you claim as your own (which coincidentally occurred right around the time you wanted to play for the DR in the last WBC):

In 2005, Alex donated $50,000 to the Dominican Republic branch of UNICEF. This donation fully funded five-day care centers outside of Santo Domingo. These centers were able to purchase enough school supplies, food and personal hygiene products for each center for one full year. Approximately 1,500 children will benefit from this donation.

Listen, I'm not the most philanthropic person on the planet, but if I had career earnings of $197,431,586 with another $250M+ guaranteed, I think I could do a little better than $50,000 for the country I somewhat arbitrarily chose to identify myself with.

If 1,500 children benefited from your $50,000 donation, 30,000 would be helped by $1,000,000. One million United States Dollars is an astronomical sum to a person such as myself, but it is about 1/12th of the value of his home in Miami and 1/10th of what he was asking for his apartment in Manhattan.

Now would be a great time for some positive PR. Everyone is suggesting that he make donations for the Partnership For A Drug Free America, or similar organizations, but why don't you give some thought to putting that money where it might actually make a difference? I'll trade little Johnny in suburban Peoria taking a couple tokes for some kids in the DR getting "school supplies, food and personal hygiene products".

I've been to the Caribbean my fair share of times and although it is astonishingly beautiful, once you step outside of the resort, there is poverty everywhere you look. Most of those islands are very resource-poor and tourism is the primary industry which isn't running so hot right now. Do the right thing A-Rod. Are you going to say no to this girl?

[Yes, she gets color]

And to make up for how depressing that was...

Spring Training Is Here, Bitches!!!

[h/t LoHud]

As evidenced above by Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain throwing in Tampa, Spring Training is here! It was a fun countdown and all, but thank the Good Lord!

What To Make Of Mo

2008 was the best season of Mariano Rivera's career. Surprising? It was to me...

His save total was only 6th highest, but he had his lowest ERA, WHIP, highest ERA+, and best K/BB ratio in his 14 years in the Major Leagues. He only walked SIX batters in SEVENTY AND TWO THIRDS INNINGS while striking out seventy seven. 12.8 would be a sick K/9 ratio, but that was his K/BB ratio. (his K/9 was actually slightly lower at 9.8). Frankie Rodriguez might have tallied 62 saves and overshadowed Mo, but his WHIP and K/BB ratios were significantly worse than Rivera's worst season. Which was 2007.

Rivera and Jorge Posada both signed massive contracts (especially compared to the ones being signed this offseason) last year at the ages of 37 and 35, respectively. The older of the two men had his most valuable season as a Yankee, while the younger chap has his least. Both had shoulder surgery over the offseason performed by Mets' doctor David Altchek, but Jorge's was far more serious. Mo had some calcification removed from this right shoulder joint, while Posada's procedure was to repair his glenoid labrum.

Mo is a completely unique case. There is no precedent set for a 39 year old (predominantly) one pitch reliever who just posted his worst and best seasons as a professional back to back. Statistically, relievers are much more prone to sharp declines because one three run homer (like Marco Scutaro's dinger off the foul pole in Oakland in 2007) in a 70 inning season takes an ERA from 1.80 to 2.19. A couple bad outings and you are looking a drastically worsened statistical profile.

Am I worried about Mo? Yeah, a little bit. Although it was a minor surgery, he still went under the knife. Rivera is such a finely tuned man-chine you get the feeling that he could make the necessary adjustments. He is ubiqutously revered by Yankees fans and feared by those of opposing teams. He's been so good for so long that it's easy to take him for granted, but some point he is going to enter a decline phase.
For the heck of it, here is my prediction (barring injury):
72IP, 2.25 ERA, 67K, 13BB, .975WHIP

Drew Rosenhaus: Gentleman, Scholar

Via three consecutive posts from Ralph Vacchiano (the only person I link to about the Giants) "super" agent and colossal douche Drew Rosenhaus sent a letter to all 32 NFL teams announcing that three of his clients, Chad Johnson, Anquan Boldin and Plaxico Burress are available via trade:
Rosenhaus, who has represented Burress since he signed with the Giants four years ago, sent an e-mail to all 32 teams earlier this week in which he indicated Burress could be acquired via trade, according to three people informed of the contents of the e-mail. The people, who requested anonymity because the e-mail was not to be discussed publicly, said it was a list of Rosenhaus' free-agent and draft-eligible clients as well as three players he deemed trade-able. All three are wide receivers: the Cardinals' Anquan Boldin, the Bengals' Chad Johnson and Burress.
Minor detail: He didn't have permission from any of the teams to do so, because no team would ever want to have their hand tipped like that. Have you even heard of a team sending out such a letter?

And what team is going to trade for Plaxico Burress? I'm not sure if you are familiar with the legal process, but there is a really good chance that he'll be spending next season or three in jail. If the Giants could potentially get a draft pick or two from a team stupid enough to acquire a injury prone wide receiver with a $35M contract and an impending prison sentence, by all means, Jerry Reese, do it. But why would Drew Rosenfuckface be promoting that agenda?
Let me just say in general that as an agent I can do whatever I want. Let me clarify the rules. Teams cannot talk to an agent about a player who is under contract, but there’s no limits on what an agent can try and do to help his client. You know, the bottom line is that I get paid by my clients to advance their agenda, not the teams’ agendas. And there’s no rule that prohibits me from talking to teams about any of my clients. I’m going to do my job. That’s the bottom line.
Oh! So the player can sign with another team, negotiate a new contract and he can get a piece of the commission. Naturally.

Hey Drouche, you are a cut-rate football version of Scott Boras, except even more annoying and without the blue chip clients. Chad Johnson changed his name (except couldn't put it on the back of his jersey) and caught six passes for -8 yards last season. Plax literally shot himself, is awaiting trail and missed several games due to injuries and suspension. Boldin had the slight built-in advantage of playing on the opposite side of the field from Larry Fitzgerald last year. So I'm sure Drew's expectations for what a team is going to have to give up for 'Quan are reasonable:
There was a big trade this season for Roy Williams. The wide receiver went from Detroit to the Dallas Cowboys and that compensation involved a first-round pick, third-round pick and sixth-round pick (and a seventh next year). So you have to use that. Any time you see a front-line, No. 1 receiver, a Pro Bowl receiver, being traded, you have to look at the Roy Williams deal as a landmark for what the compensation would be.
I know it's difficult to count to two, but NEITHER OF THOSE GUYS ARE FUCKING "NO. 1 RECEIVER[S]", YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLE MORON. Have you heard of Larry Fitzgerald and/or Calvin Johnson? Because those guys are the #1 WRs on their respective teams. Also worth nothing - Roy Williams (5 years in the NFL, 1 Pro Bowl). Why good does it do to drive up your client's trade value? Does Drouche automatically get to sign one of the draft picks?

And by the way, Jerry Jones, how is that Roy Williams trade working for you, anyway? Can a glaringly terrible trade still serve as a benchmark? It was dumb at the time and looks even stupider in hindsight. I hope both of these asshats get trampled by a circus elephant.