What Could Go Wrong????

Terrell Owens is going to Buffalo.

“I’m leaving America’s team (for) North America’s team,” Owens said at a news conference.

Do you think he has any idea what winter in Buffalo is like? 93 inches of snow per year. Say it out loud, T.O.: "Ninety three (fucking) inches". Hope you've got a shovel!

“I must move on, and it’s another beginning for me,” Owens said. “If I can be that extra added piece to get them to the playoffs, then that’s what I’m here for. I looked at the defensive side of ball and offensive side of the ball, and these guys have all the pieces.”

Change that quote to the third person and substitute "Roshenhaus" for "Owens" and it will make a lot more sense. And that's not what happened. Drouche got on the phone, called every single team in the NFL, quickly discovered that the Bills were the only ones stupid/desperate enough to sign T.O. for $6.5M and made the move promptly because he couldn't have his flagship client left twisting in the wind, as that would tarnish his reputation.

Just so I've got it in writing, this is going to be a fucking disaster. A hilarious disaster if you are fan of any team other than the Bills.

Stick with this guy, T.O. and you'll be "embracing the city and it's limitless entertainment options" in no time. Although if you're not stoned, I'm not sure how much you are going to like Dave and Buster's.

Blown Away

First via the National Football Post and with more details from Ralph Vacchiano, Derrick Ward (Wind of the Giants trio "Earth, Wind and Fire") has a new home.

It comes as no surprise, of course, since the Giants were prepared to let Ward (nickname: Wind) leave as a free agent, unless he was willing to come back and play for a deeply discounted price. Instead, he found a windfall on the market, agreeing to a four-year, $17 million contract, according to several reports.

That deal reportedly includes $6 million guaranteed, and he’ll supposedly make $9.25 million over the first two years and $13 million over the first three. The entire package is worth an average of $4.25 million annually, which is more than many people thought he was going to make.

They still have Cadillac Williams and just last year the Bucs signed Earnest Graham to a four year $11.05M contract, so it looks like Ward won't have to do all the heavy lifting in Tampa either.

Graham is actually pretty similar to Ward. They are both 29 and bloomed late in their careers. Ward broke his leg and was placed on IR before game 9 of the 2007 season, while Graham was shelved in week 11 last year because of an ankle issue. The Giants plucked Ward off the Jets' practice squad while the Bucs got Graham off the Rams'. There was a really good article on Graham from a while back in ESPN The Magazine, if you have the time.

Ward's bread and butter on the Giants was catching screen passes and dump offs effortlessly and stretching them into more yards that you thought he should. He's not incredibly fast, but agile enough to work his way through congested areas. He had over 1,409 yards from scrimmage last year as part of Earth, Wind and Fire. That's pretty impressive and was a lot of fun to watch.

We knew Ward was leaving when he switched agents, and it does appear that (according to RV) that Drouche got Ward more money than most had anticipated. Still up for kneeing him in the balls for me anyway?

Good luck, Derrick. You seem like an all around good dude and that overtime game against Carolina in Week 16 where you ended up with 266 yards from scrimmage and owned the extra quarter, will live on in Giants lore.

Happy Trails, Derrick Ward

Via the NFP, Adam Schefter has learned that Derrick Ward switched agents.

Ward switched agents and hired Drew Rosenhaus, who is always busy at this time of year making deals.Ward clearly did not want a repeat of last offseason, when he was a free agent and wound up finding little interest, forcing him to re-sign with the Giants.Now that the Giants have tagged running back Brandon Jacobs, Ward wants Rosenhaus to find the market value and best deal for him.

It's been real, Derrick. I'm sorry that you broke your leg and couldn't really enjoy the Super Bowl victory. You were the go-to screen pass/dump off guy; a perfect compliment to the off-tackle bashings of the Juggernaut. Ahmad Bradshaw will have some pretty big shoes to fill, but I think the G-Men are going to be alright.

But you had to go with Drouche? Can you do me a favor? After you sign with your new team and you shake his hand, take an extra firm grip, pull him towards you... and knee him in the balls. Thanks.

Drew Rosenhaus: Gentleman, Scholar

Via three consecutive posts from Ralph Vacchiano (the only person I link to about the Giants) "super" agent and colossal douche Drew Rosenhaus sent a letter to all 32 NFL teams announcing that three of his clients, Chad Johnson, Anquan Boldin and Plaxico Burress are available via trade:

Rosenhaus, who has represented Burress since he signed with the Giants four years ago, sent an e-mail to all 32 teams earlier this week in which he indicated Burress could be acquired via trade, according to three people informed of the contents of the e-mail. The people, who requested anonymity because the e-mail was not to be discussed publicly, said it was a list of Rosenhaus' free-agent and draft-eligible clients as well as three players he deemed trade-able. All three are wide receivers: the Cardinals' Anquan Boldin, the Bengals' Chad Johnson and Burress.

Minor detail: He didn't have permission from any of the teams to do so, because no team would ever want to have their hand tipped like that. Have you even heard of a team sending out such a letter?

And what team is going to trade for Plaxico Burress? I'm not sure if you are familiar with the legal process, but there is a really good chance that he'll be spending next season or three in jail. If the Giants could potentially get a draft pick or two from a team stupid enough to acquire a injury prone wide receiver with a $35M contract and an impending prison sentence, by all means, Jerry Reese, do it. But why would Drew Rosenfuckface be promoting that agenda?

Let me just say in general that as an agent I can do whatever I want. Let me clarify the rules. Teams cannot talk to an agent about a player who is under contract, but there’s no limits on what an agent can try and do to help his client. You know, the bottom line is that I get paid by my clients to advance their agenda, not the teams’ agendas. And there’s no rule that prohibits me from talking to teams about any of my clients. I’m going to do my job. That’s the bottom line.

Oh! So the player can sign with another team, negotiate a new contract and he can get a piece of the commission. Naturally.

Hey Drouche, you are a cut-rate football version of Scott Boras, except even more annoying and without the blue chip clients. Chad Johnson changed his name (except couldn't put it on the back of his jersey) and caught six passes for -8 yards last season. Plax literally shot himself, is awaiting trail and missed several games due to injuries and suspension. Boldin had the slight built-in advantage of playing on the opposite side of the field from Larry Fitzgerald last year. So I'm sure Drew's expectations for what a team is going to have to give up for 'Quan are reasonable:

There was a big trade this season for Roy Williams. The wide receiver went from Detroit to the Dallas Cowboys and that compensation involved a first-round pick, third-round pick and sixth-round pick (and a seventh next year). So you have to use that. Any time you see a front-line, No. 1 receiver, a Pro Bowl receiver, being traded, you have to look at the Roy Williams deal as a landmark for what the compensation would be.

I know it's difficult to count to two, but NEITHER OF THOSE GUYS ARE FUCKING "NO. 1 RECEIVER[S]", YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLE MORON. Have you heard of Larry Fitzgerald and/or Calvin Johnson? Because those guys are the #1 WRs on their respective teams. Also worth nothing - Roy Williams (5 years in the NFL, 1 Pro Bowl). Why good does it do to drive up your client's trade value? Does Drouche automatically get to sign one of the draft picks?

And by the way, Jerry Jones, how is that Roy Williams trade working for you, anyway? Can a glaringly terrible trade still serve as a benchmark? It was dumb at the time and looks even stupider in hindsight. I hope both of these asshats get trampled by a circus elephant.