Friday, January 9, 2009

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part IV]

[This is part III of the several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity. Here are Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 if you missed them.]

I moved to Philadelphia over two and a half years ago after spending the majority of my life in Upstate New York. While this has been a great experience, both personally and professionally, it has also opened my eyes to by far the worst group of people on the face of the Earth. Yes, I am talking about the fan base of the Philadelphia Eagles. I am not saying this just because I am a fan of the defending Super Bowl Champion New York Football Giants; I can promise you I would be saying the same if I were a Broncos fan.

Prior to moving to the City of Brotherly Love, my perception of the stereotype of an Eagles fan was that they were a bunch of blue-collar, hard working guys who live and die by the team, do not take kindly to opposing fans in their stadium and boo anything in sight. This could not be further from the truth, and I would respect them a whole lot more if this were accurate. No, they are degenerate idiots, who know nothing about football, their team, sports, or reality in general. Everything about the Eagles screams trashy, from the awful people that call into the Howard Eskin show, to the ghetto tailgate, to the trashy drunk girl in the stands screaming at everyone in her immediate vicinity, but can't name 3 players on the field (come to think of it, this probably describes 60% of the stadium).

I have been having a tough time deciding how to properly outline just how awful this group of human beings really is, so I have decided to lay out a few points and expound on what exactly has led to such a deep hatred after just two and a half years.

  1. Eagles Fans Are Not Tough (like they claim to be): Last season, all I heard was how awful the Giants were and how embarrassing it must be to be a Giants fan. Well that went out the door after the Giants' Super Bowl run and not one of these people would respond to a text or call for weeks. If I were on the receiving end, and in the slight possibility the Giants were to lose this weekend, I would be a stand-up guy and admit defeat to everyone I have been talking shit to all year. Not Eagles fans. They are a bunch of 2nd rate, crying babies who like to talk tough before the game is played on the field, and disappear when they lose.
  2. Eagles Fans Are Racist: This is the only explanation for the hatred of Donovan McNabb. The man has led them to 8 playoff wins in 10 years and a Super Bowl appearance, yet they despise him and want to run him out of town after every incompletion. They claim all that matters is a Super bowl, yet not one QB in an Eagles uniform has ever won one, even their all time favorite QB, Ronald Vincent "Jaws" Jaworski who just happens to be white (and is possibly one of the most annoying human beings in the world). McNabb is the Eagles all-time leader in every category that matters, yet they hate him with a passion.
  3. Eagles Fans Do Not Watch The Game: I have had the unfortunate experience of attending about 5 games at Lincoln Financial Field over the past couple of years. Each time, only a handful of fans in my section were paying attention to the game; the rest were looking for fans in an away jersey to chant “Asshole, Asshole, Asshole” at (I think Philly kids are taught in school to do this). In addition, I watched last weekend’s Vikings-Eagles matchup with a number of Eagles "fans.” I saw much more of the game than any of them, but sure enough when the Eagles barely beat a mediocre team, they went on tell me how badly the Giants were going to lose.

  4. Eagles Fans Wear Their Jerseys Everywhere: This is the most annoying aspect of Eagles fans. THEY WEAR THEIR FUCKING JERSEYS EVERYWHERE! It is awful. I swear to you, if you go to a Phillies game in June, you will see Eagles jerseys everywhere. And I am not talking about a nice throw back or an authentic jersey, I am talking about the ugly as fuck black cheap ones. If this is not bad enough, they have the nerve to sit at a Phillies or Sixers or Flyers game and scream at the top of the lungs (in their hideous black jerseys) the most dreaded chant in all of sports, E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES! Hey asshole, do you realize you are at baseball game in June, or are you just trying to annoy the shit out of me?

These people are like gnats. They are everywhere and while they are more or less harmless (see point number 1), the mere sight of them annoys the absolute shit out of you. I must admit, this does not describe the entire fan base. Many of my local friends are Eagles fans and most are objective, reasonable fans like you or me. However, I think I found the only ten sane fans in the entire city. I want nothing more than the Giants to win 107-0 on Sunday and listen to them bitch and whine for the next six months about how much Andy Reid sucks and McNabb has never won a big game. All I will do is remind them our goofy looking QB has.


LET'S GO G-MEN!!!!!!!!!!!

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part III]

[This is Part III of the several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity. Here are Part 1, and Part 2 if you missed them.]
Up until this season I was a Dallas Cowboys fan so I have plenty of experience hating the Philadelphia shEagles and their pathetic, boorish, racist fans (with the exception of my sister and her two children—poor kids).

For me the event that perfectly characterizes these sub-humans is the cheering of Michael Irvin’s 1999 career-ending neck injury while he lied motionless for 20 minutes on Veteran’s Stadium rat-infested carpet. Many fans in the crowd of 66,669 cheered when they realized Irvin was hurt, and again when paramedics wheeled a stretcher onto the field. "Unspeakable, even for us," proclaimed a headline in the Philadelphia Daily News.

While The Playmaker is not liked by non-Cowboys fans due to the fact he was a U graduate, his multitude of moral and legal indiscretions and crazy success against their teams, I think the only individuals who people should take pride in seeing suffer are rapists or murderers.

The next events that raise ire about Iggles fans are:

•Booing of Santa Claus—Seriously?
•A municipal court in Veterans Stadium/The Linc—Because there are tons of reasons to get in fights at sporting events
•Fans pelted national TV broadcasters with snowballs during a Cowboys-Eagles game in 1989—WTF did TV broadcasters do?
•Booing of Donovan McNabb at the 1998 Draft—What did he do wrong?

My sister was also at an Eagles-Cowboys game a few years ago at The Linc when McNabb threw a game-winning Pick 6 that all of Philly fans around her starting yelling racist remarks at McNabb—even little kids! She was embarrassed to be a fellow fan.

How about their “Fly Eagles Fly” song and fans flapping their arms like wings after a touchdown? Grow the fack up!

Enough about the fans. How about the organization?

Owner Jeffrey Lurie is a scumbag and a horrible owner. Like T.O. or not, Lurie should have given him a new contract after T.O. had to sign that waiver to play in Super Bowl XXXIX and was the only one to perform (Donovan McNabb’s digestive system notwithstanding). He has given Head Coach Andy Reid a blank check despite Reid not accomplishing anything and spending too much time with his sons’ heroin and firearms problems. Reid is a fat fack who needs to pay attention to his team and re-learn how to call plays.

The Big G: A Retrospective

Now that Jason Giambi has signed a deal with his former team, the Oakland A's, worth slighty less ($4.5M) than his $5M buyout from the Yankees, the time has come to evaluate The Big G's tenure in pinstripes. Being a Red Sox fan, Brendan has voiced his dislike of Giambi and understandably so, considering we named this blog after our dislike of his obverse on the Sox. Up until the 2008 season, I really didn't know much about him, aside from the fact that he had a great set of initials. To me, he was the slow-footed, hard-hitting first baseman, with an intimidating left handed stance and a great eye.

The Yankees signed J. Gilbert Giambi coming off of back to back incredible offensive seasons playing in a pitchers ballpark in Oakland, finishing 1st and 2nd in MVP voting in 2000 & 2001 respectively. He put up OPS+es of 187 & 198 in the greatest offensive era of all time (league average OPS+ in any given season is always 100). It wasn't quite Manny Ramirez money (8yrs/$160M), but the 7 year, $120M deal he signed in 2002 represented what the Yankees thought was a commitment to a franchise cornerstone type of player.

Unfortunately, that's not what they got. Despite the looming short porch at Yankee Stadium helping him to 81 HRs in his first two seasons in pinstripes, Giambi never amassed the the all around offensive numbers he did with Oakland. His highest OPS+ with the Yankees was 171 in 2002 and the only other time he breached 150 was in 2005 with 161. In 2004 and 2007, injuries cut his seasons in half and in the games he did play in, his production was far below his career norms.

Regrettably, his most memorable moment as a Yankee was probably the press conference where he responded to the leaked BALCO testimony, during which he issued an (understandably) intentionally vague apology for using PEDs. This, of course, transcends the incident itself and casts a shadow upon every aspect of Giambi's shortcomings in his Yankees career.

The drop off in production from Oakland to the Yankees? Steroids. Injuries to a traditionally durable player? HGH. The benign tumor he had to have removed? Clearly a result of all that juicin'...

The problem with the performance enhancing drug stain on Major League Baseball is all the collateral damage it has caused. There are players who have used and not been caught and there are probably players that have been accused who have never tried to gain that edge. Who knows how much of Giambi's downfall was really precipitated by the corners he cut?

He was already 31 years old when he signed with the Yankees, and in hindsight it looks pretty damn ridiculous to pay a one dimensional player that kind of money at that stage of his career (especially in 2002 dollars). But at that point, Baseball was looking at player's decline phases (or lack thereof) through testosterone-colored lenses.

Shortly before the golden thong "story", but slightly after he grew the State Trooper Giambi 'stache, you could have told me he did anything absolutely anything during the offseason and I would have believed you. "Oh, yeah, he's the bassist for this sick death metal band"... Awesome! Have you seen them live? "My uncle shared a guide hunting Asian Elk with him in Mongolia"... Wow, did he get his autograph? "Rumor has it he dropped in during a huge swell out at Mavericks". No fucking way... Well, he is from California, right?

As a fan, you really don't know much about the players who you root for. I've never met anyone on the current Yankees roster, so I have to go on subtle indications of what kind of person they are. Besides their performance, which is first and foremost, you judge them based things like their body language, their minute long interviews with Kim Jones, how they interact with their teammates or whether or not they chat up opposing players on the field.

Around the time when he narrowly missed the All-Star game last year via the "Final Vote", I found out his personal motto was "Party like a rock star, hammer like a porno star and rake like an All-Star", the first part of which was affirmed by this picture, snapped during the All-Star break in his year-round hometown of Las Vegas.

But more interestingly, this season Peter Abraham shared a few stories about Giambi that really changed my perception of him, like this one:

Heard a great story today. After the rookies dressed up in their Village People outfits on Saturday and went back to the hotel, Jason Giambi invited them all to the hotel bar. After a few drinks, he paid for a bus to take all the rookies, a few other players, some staff members, assorted friends and a security guard to the Capital Grille for dinner. The Big G hosted a dinner for about 25 people, including the bus driver who he insisted join the group. He paid for the whole thing and dropped a huge tip on the wait staff.

On the way back to the hotel, Jason told the kids that he wished them a long and happy career and to always watch out for the rookies on their team.

Giambi told the other players he didn’t want any publicity for what he did. Tough break, Jason. People should know you’re a good dude.

Derek Jeter is the one and only captain of the Yankees, so you never heard about The Big G's leadership skills. I don't remember reading all that much about him as a "clubhouse presence" (probably because he never won a World Series with the team). Amazingly, the guy who made a tacit admission of using steroids, and underperformed his enormous contract ended up flying under the radar to some extent.

This seasons' emergence of the 'stache, his 32 homers in 2008 (including this pinch hit, two out, walk off home run against the Jays) all re-endeared him to the fans. He left the Yankees under the cover of a tumultuous flurry of offseason spending and slipped out the back door as quietly as a guy who didn't really live up to a $120M contract possibly could have.

I'll leave you with another quote from Mr. Abraham...

I wish I could tell you some of the great lines Giambi has had over the years but I’d get fired in a minute. Suffice it to say, he’s one of the few people I’ve ever met who can use a certain word as a noun, adjective, adverb and verb, sometimes all in the same sentence.

Good luck to Jason. He has some ups and down in pinstripes but he was never boring.

Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part II]

[This is part II of the several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity. Here is Part 1 if you missed it.]


I don't have too much hate for the Eagles organization as a whole. I like some things about them, dislike others; overall probably having some pity for them. I loved scampering around with "QB
Eagles" in Super Tecmo Bowl so much that I pitied the green birds every time the real life Randall Cunningham went down. I like Brian Westbrook since he's a no name guy who came out of nowhere to be a perennial fantasy stud. But then again, he can't stay off the injury list. Who doesn't like Reggie White?! But even he abandoned the franchise to win a ring with the Packers in '96. The team is perennially destined for failure. And, for whatever reason, Chris Berman continues to pick them as his Super Bowl pick, year after year.

Before cheering for the Pats or hating on any other NFL franchise, however, first and foremost I am a Fantasy Football fan. I have sold my soul to be an imaginary GM, investing countless hours into spreadsheets and the whiney voice of Matthey Berry. I wouldn't have it any other way. And this season a certain Eagle singlehandedly pissed a way a week for me in my work league.

That Eagle is none other than the uber-talented and mentally challenged DeSean Jackson. In week two this year, the Cowboys faced the Eagles in a Monday Night matchup that had huge fantasy implications. Bill Simmons got into how this was arguably the biggest game in fantasy history which included DeSean Jackson dropping the ball before he crossed the goal line on a 60 yard bomb. Ultimately he lost me the week, as I lost by 3, and caused me to face a week of ridicule by my colleague.

I have enmity for DeSean Jackson.


Facked Up! Hit of the BCS

Hey Manny Johnson - you just got FACKED UP!


BCS Championship Game Recap and Drinking Analysis

Last night's game was FUCKING AWESOME!

Actually it wasn't that great at all, but I thought it was a little more entertaining than some might have. This is probably because I watched it with enough people to drown out the retardness spewed by whoever the fuck the announcers were.

A complete recap is easy enough to find on your own, but here is my take...

Yesterday, I laid out what each team needed to do to win the game. In the first half, I think that it was pretty accurate. Bradford was able to get the ball out quickly and spread it all over the field. The Sooners O-line did as good as could be expected against Florida's defense. This was also helped by Chris Brown running rampant on Florida, with 22 carries for 110 yards. I also think that Oklahoma's defense played way better than anyone expected and were able to contain Tebow, got a pick and put him on his back more than once. The biggest thing in the first half was Coach Stoops of Oklahoma going for it on 4th and goal instead of kicking the field goal and going into halftime with the lead.

The second half was all about running the ball; how Florida decided to run more and Oklahoma decided to run less. Tebow (22 carries, 109 yards) and Harvin (9 carries, 122 yards) were basically unstoppable in the second half. I was drinking a lot, but it seemed like Oklahoma inexplicably abandoned the run which was killing Florida in the first half. Florida's Major Wright (he really shut me up) made a huge interception on the goal line, which was the beginning of the end for Oklahoma.

I am a big fan of lists, so here is a list of what affected this game in no particular order:
1. 2 trips to the red zone with 0 points for Oklahoma. Should have got at least 3 each time.
2. Stoops going for it on 4th and goal.
3. Florida's blocked field goal in the second half.
4. Sooners abandoned the run.
5. Florida's defense coming up big at the end of the 1st half and for the entire second.
6. Tebow and Harvin running all over Oklahoma.
7. Bradford's 2 second half picks.

I would like to talk about Stoops for a second. He really fucked his team out there with the decision to go for it on 4th and goal. When you are playing for the National Championship you have to be smarter than that. That one play changed the whole outcome of the game. If they get these 3 points, then maybe Bradford doesn't throw that pick when in the 4th when they were down 17-14. I'm not going to get into all possible outcomes, but I just think it was retarded.

Douchiest QB
Both of these quarterbacks have been competing for this title all season, but Tebow wrapped it up last night when he decided to get an unsportsman like penalty at the end of the game. Nice job being a gracious winner you fucking asshole, I'm sure you made Jesus real proud. Cliff mentioned it in his post and I actually said the same thing last night while watching it, if i was a senior on Oklahoma, I would have ripped his helmet off and punched him in the fucking face.

Drinking Recap
The over/under on beers consumed was 13. Honestly, I lost count. However, after everyone left I drank 2 more beers by myself while watching some show on the Navy SEALS until 2 AM, so I am going to call it a push.

Post-BCS Championship Game Hangover Report brought to you by UPS (helping you mail it in!)


Will

Consumed: Unidentified amount of shitty light beers (I can ball park it between 10 - 17.)

Rating: This one only gets 1 horse collar tackle out of a possible 5.

Comments: "I wonder if the Navy SEALS would consider taking out Tebow?"

Jay
Consumed: split two bottles of Côtes du Rhône, drank one 22oz. bomber of Stone Vertical Epic 08.08.08, topped that off with a couple pours of Bowmore.

Rating: 2 horse collar tackles out of a possible 5.

Comments: "I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning until I realized it was Friday and I could wear jeans to work."

Cliff
Consumed: 8 Heineken's, 5 Labatt's (leftovers from New Years)

Rating: 1.5 horse collar tackles out of 5

Comments: "Feeling a lot better this morning than I thought I would, considering I feel asleep watching ESPN Video Montages to Tim Tebow."

The Most Painful Three Hours of My Life

Okay, I am sure there is going to be another wrap up tomorrow but I feel compelled to put my two cents in. Anyone that knows me knows that I am extremely critical of announcers. The job is not that hard, you have 40+ hours to come up with shit to talk about. Stop talking about the same shit and analyze the game. That being said, the moment I saw the clowns calling this game, I knew this was going to be legendary. I started by taking a few notes but as things got going (and much worse), I started getting pissed. See below (these notes are in real time, almost like a live blog, so they are not exact quotes):
  • 3 minutes into the game, the color commentator calls Sam Bradford, "Super Sam”…Um, how long have you been working on that one? There are 57 minutes left, let's hold off on the nicknames.
  • Explaining that OU will snap the ball within 25 seconds of the last play, 35 seconds roll by on the nifty OU Snap Clock and still no snap...

Note: Awful commentating begins part way through the 2nd quarter:

  • The Announcer is explaining to me that Tebow can’t run the ball because Oklahoma is doing well against the run…Now that is some insight!
  • OU is driving at the end of the half and the announcers feel compelled to explain the clock rules after every snap…Thanks pal! I get it, I have been watching college football for 20 years, there is no 2 minute warning and the clock stops after every 1st down.

Note: Should be 21-7 OU at halftime

  • 9:02 left in 3rd, Tebow runs for 1st down at midfield and tries to pump up the crowd and celebrate…God I hate him.
  • 3rd straight 3rd and long that Tebow runs the ball for a first down, OU dropped back but the announcers claim it is “power, desire and heart” that got the first down... I saw it is a terrible play call by the defensive coordinator.
  • Color guy is talking about Harvin’s “pipes” and “guns”…huh?
  • Here they go quoting Tebow’s awful press conference when he cries like a bitch... Please let Florida lose!
  • Showing video of said press conference.

Note: Never thought I would say this but why couldn’t Fox of had Buck and Aikman call this game?

  • OU guy hurts leg and ends up walking off the field, commentator says “It is a really good thing he got up under his own power, and walked off the field". You don’t say...
  • Tebow gets stopped on 3rd and 5... Where was the “power, desire and heart” on that play?
  • Color guy tries explaining why OU’s Brown has had a good season, “When you get carries, you are productive”. Unless you aren’t any good.
  • OU scores, color guy has nothing to say. Not surprising, considering he hasn’t shut the fuck up about Florida all night.
  • “Old Mo is not someone you date”…I’m lost.

Note: Chick in the Tostitios commercial is smoking.

  • Tebow thought a whistle was blown, “That could have been a whistle from the stands”. After listening to the replay, “There was definitely some sort of whistle, its hard to differentiate in the heat of battle”… Kellen Winslow?

Note: Announcers seem much more impressed with the play of Tebow than Florida’s defense that has held the best offense in the country to 14 points through 3.5 quarters.

  • OU’s Fucked- “SUPERMAN STRIKES AGAIN” ….Wait, I thought Sam Bradford was Superman? Oh, I get it the Florida QB is Superman, OU’s is Supersam… Jesus Christ!
  • Philippines talk (knew this was coming sooner or later), “He has traveled to the Philippines numerous times, helped needy children, fed poor people, lived in a leper colony (WHAT?!?!?!) he is just a remarkable human being!”… I am fucking sick to my stomach
  • Announcer is talking about “galloping offenses”, I am drunk and annoyed, and I give up. Turning the game off, everything said from here on is going to be more painful than the last 3 hours

Note: WAIT, TEBOW JUST DID WHAT?!?!?!

  • Tebow gets an unsportsmanlike at the end of the game…real fucking classy!!! The announcers proceed to say “That might be the worst thing he has ever done in his life” I FUCKING HATE FOX! IF THAT WAS ANYONE ELSE THEY WOULD BE RIPPING HIM! Now they are blaming it on the OU guy now, “Tebow must have been the second guy in”... Wow, have sports really come to this?
  • More Philippines talk, “Remember, kids are named after him”… Why don’t you mention the fact that he just rubbed it in the face of the opposing team?
  • DID FLORIDA JUST CALL A FUCKING TIMEOUT WITH 22 SECONDS LEFT AND A 10 POINT LEAD?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?... Does it get any less classy? I am sure there will be no mention of this though.

Note: If I were any player on OU, I would punch Tebow and Meyer in their fucking jaw.

Note: Game over, I am pissed, drunk and typing up this post.

  • I am barely paying attention but the press conference is on and someone just asked Bradford if “Tebow is more impressive to watch in person than he is on film?”... I don’t think I would have the patience for this bullshit. Bradford answers with class “Well to be honest, I play offense so I don’t want much film on their offense or really watch them when they are on the field”.

Note: It gets worse on College Game Day... I don’t even know what to say.

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. GOODNIGHT. I FUCKING HATE TIM TEBOW!!!!!!!!