Sunday, February 1, 2009

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Wendell Kim (#12)

The 1997-2000 was a tough stretch for me. I was in those dreadful Jr. High years. My voice was cracking. I smelled. I was "becoming a man". Perhaps it was because I was going through these awkward years that I identifed with Wave 'Em in Wendell Kim. If you're from Boston, there's no doubt in my mind you remember the Kamikaze Kim. Those who aren't in the know, Wendell Kim was the 3rd base coach for the Red Sox at the end of the 20th century.

Wendell was notorious for two things: 1) Running guys into outs and 2) Sprinting out to 3rd base every inning (sadly I cannot find a video for this - please send it along if you can find one). Wendell was überaggressive - waiving his arm with such rapid deftness, you wondered if he were indeed human. Unfortunately, his league leading arm speed did not translate into a faster Troy O'Leary. Though we grumbled for a half inning after another 3rd out at home, we would quickly forget as we smiled with glee as Wendell dashed back to his place on the diamond. You just had to accept Wendell for the awkward little man that he was.

I sure did.

Exclusive From Tampa!

[The Hyatt Regency, Tampa. 10:30 this morning]

The Lamb of God: Guys, we've got our work cut out for us. The Steelers defense is fast and athletic, with the hardest hitting secondary in the league. Their linebackers...

'Quan: Allz I know is dat we best not be runnin no mothafuckin one wide receiver set tonight. Sheeeeiiiiiiittt.

The Lamb of God: Anquan, my son, I understand your angst. Everyone wants to make a positive contribution to their team, and...

'Quan: Jesus, I ain't think you heard me, dawg. GIVE A MOTHAFUCKA THA BALL.

Kurtis the Bag Boy: Q, we connected for over 1,000 yards and 11 touchdowns this year. We've just got to trust what our Lord and Savior says.

'Quan: I said my piece, bitches. [Exits left]

The Human-like Machine Referred To As "Larry Fitzgerald"
: [stares off into the distance]

The Lamb of God: Kurtis, my favorite son. I have brought you this far, now you and your titanium-hearted accomplice must finish what we started. Are you up for the task?

Kurtis the Bag Boy: I believe so, your Holiness.

The Lamb of God: I have selected some motivational music to guide you on this perilous journey.

[Scrolls through iPod. Selects song. Places iPod in sound dock.]