I've never really understood sports columnist's analyzing drafts and other offseason transactions, and then titling their article as a "Report Card". These articles are to analyze the moves that were made and how they MAY play out for the upcoming season. Listen, my teachers didn't take a look at one month of transcending haiku and flawless geometric proofs - and then just slap an A+ on my report card. Mrs. Osborne and Mr. Savicki instead gave me a progress report to take home to Ted and Dee - assigned a letter grade and some standard comments they select with a scantron. Once the semester was over, then I received my final grade on a report card. Why sports columns aren't handled the same way is beyond me.
Thus, in light of recent MLB signings, and as an ode to teachers of Middleboro High that turned me into the unattentive, slacker at work that I am, I present to you a progress report for the past few days...
John Smoltz (SP) - Boston Red Sox
Comments:Participates in class. Leader in the classroom.
The Fenway Faithful are going to love this guy. A universally well liked guy, an arm that's defied age, and a lock for the Hall. Now do I think he's going to lead us to a World Series after having surgery on his torn labrum? No. Could he be extremely effective and net us 13 wins this year? Absolutely. The big name signing also will keep the grumbling down after the Yankees' spree. [Ed note: Tiger Woods has said John Smotlz is the best non-professional golfer he has ever played with. Respect]
Rocco Baldelli (OF) - Boston Red Sox
Comments:Demonstrates good effort.
Along with Smoltz, the Rhode Island native Baldelli is going arrive to a warm welcome in Boston. Baldelli has been the next big thing for years now, but sadly his "fatigue" disease is certainly going to limit him from ever becoming the next Dimaggio as many had tagged him as. That said, the Sox are signing him as their 4th OF - and if you're going to take a flier on anyone for this position - Baldelli's the guy. The Sox always do their homework when it comes to medical, so you gotta believe that Rocco is in a position to provide a valuable impact to this team.
Jason Giambi (1B/DH) - Oakland Athletics
Comments:Is disruptive in class.
You already know how I feel about the Great Giambino. The guy is a big, obnoxious dope. But he is returning to his original team - so there is at least a slim hope he may settle in just fine. Giambi is certainly still a home run threat, and provides Matt Holliday some protection. Talent wise, certainly an upgrade that anything the A's were touting. Still, I can't help but predict that he'll play only 60 games this year. One of the following is a guaranteed lock:
- Failed drug test
- Injury - Internet photo scandal featuring the Angel's Rally Monkey, Mrs. Buttersworth, and and a Bop-It
Trevor Hoffman (CL) - Milwaukee Brewers
Jay: damn, the brewers love them some washed up closers
Koji Uehara (SP) - Baltimore Orioles
Comments:Has not shown up for class in over 10 years
I don't know a thing about this guy and nearly every pitcher that's come off the boat has excelled over here. What I do know is that Baltimore makes the worst signings in baseball - so I can only assume that he is going to have a statline of 4-12, 221 innings, 6.87 ERA.