Midday Odds & Ends

Here are a few items of note, mostly from over the weekend:

A rainout down in Florida forced the Yankees to schedule an intrasquad game today to ensure that all their pitchers stayed on their respective schedules.

Hearing that, Jon Heyman busted out his jump to conclusions mat and declared that since Joba Chamerlain was not playing against the Phillies in Clearwater that he was no longer in the race to be fifth starter and can take his rightful place in the bullpen. (/rolls eyes and makes wanking motion)

Where does Joba belong? The chronically uninformed and impatient contingents of the interwebz have spoken loud and clear.

Alfredo Aceves had a bad outing against the Astros (4.1 IP, 5R). HE'S OUT OF THE RACE!!!!!

Chad Jennings profiled Ace in the Journal News on Sunday.

While the primary topic of the Yanks' Spring Training continues to focus on who will be the 5th starter, Marc Hulet at FanGraphs contends that the role is something of a myth. He instead suggests a three-headed approach to soaking up the last 25 or so starts the top four members of the rotation don't make.

Mark Teixeira (somewhat understandably) doesn't understand why UZR categorizes him as a below average first baseman. Joe Pawlikowski explains what UZR might be missing, to which I will add the fact that the metric totally disregards infield line drives which go a long way between determining which first baseman are good and which aren't. Joe also leaves open the possibility that we are giving Teix a little too much credit.

Marc Carig has a video interview with Phil Hughes wherein Phil demonstrates and discusses the different grips he uses for this 4-seamer, cutter, curve and change.

Carig also caught up with Kevin Towers over the weekend who explained how his background helped him as GM in San Diego:

Because I wore several hats, I probably had a greater appreciation for all the different roles. I knew what it was to be a player, to be a prospect, how difficult it was being a prospect and going through the different levels of the minor leagues, what goes through a player’s mind. As an area scout, how difficult and lonely a job that is... You feel like you’re kind of off there on your own, especially when I was doing it. There wasn’t cell phones, there wasn’t computers, there wasn’t voice mail. You were really kind of a nomad out there trying to find players.

Before Jesus Montero was assigned to minor league camp, Chad Jennings sat down with him for 5 questions.

Austin Romine, Colin Curtis, Reid Gorecki, Dustin Mosely, Jason Hirsh also got the boot from the Big Leauge camp.

Tyler Kepner caught up with Chein-Ming Wang.

'Duk from Big League Stew checked in on Rinku and Dinesh, the winning contestants from the Indian reality show Million Dollar Arm.

Robert Cribb of the Toronto Star did a piece on the mysterious man that is Tom Tango, who helps the Blue Jays' front office in an advisory capacity.

Jeff from Lookout Landing ran some data in an effort to see how much LASIK surgery benefited the players who had it done and came to a somewhat unexpected conclusion.

If plan on visiting Citizen's Bank Park anytime soon, you might want to vote for their signature hot dog. My vote would certainly be for the The South Philly, which is "all-beef and topped with broccoli rabe, spicy roasted peppers, and sharp provolone on an Italian roll". They had me at "broccoli rabe".

This suspect's second biggest crime was wearing a green Yankees hat.

Lessons In Advanced Hindsight, With Mike Lupica

Good morning, Fackers. I think most rational people understand that one of the fundamental concepts of decision making is that you have to make your choice based on the information which was available at the time. Of course, Mike Lupica doesn't fall under the umbrella of "most rational people".

You surely know Lupica from his columns in the Daily News, his Matt Christopher-esque children's sports books, or as the wildly-gesturing smarmy douche on The Sports Reporters who sits on the edge of his seat partially because he feels that he's far too important to be seated in a semi-circle and partially because if he leaned back, his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

Anyway, in today's Daily News, Mike conveniently smothers Joe Girardi's decision to use only his three best starters in the World Series in a thick coating of hindsight, two days after any other course of action could have been chosen:

Joe Girardi knows the deal as well as he knows his way out to the mound. He's right about using only three starters in the postseason if the Yankees win, tonight or tomorrow night.

I love how Lupica sets up the scenario by saying "Girardi knows the deal". Yeah, he knows that if the Yankees lose, he's going to get second guessed by assholes like Lupica who were so convinced that the Yankees should throw Chad Gaudin in Philly that they... didn't write a word about it despite having a column in a newspaper dedicated to writing about sports.

He's right if Andy Pettitte does the job in Game 6 on three days' rest that A.J. Burnett didn't do Monday night. Or he's right if this thing plays all the way out and CC Sabathia carries everybody across the finish line. Girardi just better be right about three days' rest for these guys after being up three games to one.

So was Charlie Manuel right for holding Cliff Lee back to give him his normal rest even though he gave up 5 earned runs because the Phillies won Game 5? Of course! What did you want to judge the outcome based on his "performance" or "availability in a possible Game 7"? Fools.

Because if the Yankees blow this Series, if the Phillies come all the way back, then Yankee fans are going to wonder how the Yankees could spend $206 million on baseball players and not have enough left under the bed to buy a reliable fourth starter.

No, Mike, they're not. That's what they'd be wondering if the Yankees missed the playoffs. Like they did last year. When they spent $209M.

The Yankees have had a payroll over $184M since 2004 and that year none of the 4 guys who started more than 20 games for them had an ERA under 4. In 2005, their 4th starter was either Jaret Wright or Kevin Brown who both had ERAs over 6 and they needed Aaron Small and Shawn Chacon to patch together their rotation. The following year it was Cory Lidle. In 2007, it was Roger Clemens and we all remember how well that worked out in the playoffs!

You have to be a special kind of stupid to wait until the team is one win away from their first World Series in 9 years to start complaining about their lack of a #4 starter.

Oh by the way, the reason they don't have a #4 starter isn't because they "didn't have enough money left under the bed". It's because Chien Ming Wang, who had been their best pitcher over the previous three years, suddenly decided to suck. And Joba Chamberlain, who everyone wanted to go back to the bullpen (including Lupica, obviously), is back in the bullpen.

They will wonder at the same time about how much they think they could get for a copy of "The Joba Rules" on eBay about now.

How much are your books selling for on eBay, Mike? Let me check. One dollar.

There are still a lot of smart, passionate, grudge-holding Yankee fans who want to talk about all the pitching mistakes that Joe Torre made when the Red Sox started to come back on the Yankees in 2004. But when Torre came home in that American League Championship Series, the way Girardi's Yankees come home now, here were Torre's starters:

Jon Lieber, Game 6.

Kevin Brown, Game 7.

Right, so why are you complaining about the rotation this year?

Josh Beckett went on three days' rest in Game 6 of the 2003 Series, Marlins against the Yankees. Everybody screamed that Jack McKeon was making a huge mistake, that he should wait and pitch Beckett on full rest in Game 7 if it came to that. The Marlins manager went all in with Beckett and he pitched one of the most dominating close-out games in the history of the World Series.

He made McKeon right because he won.

Mike Lupica's decision making rubric: Win = Right, Lose = Wrong.

So Mike Lupica's son is dribbling down the court in a CYO game two minutes into the game and decides to fire up a short from half court. It goes in. From the stands, Mike yells "GREAT DECISION, BUDDY!"

Mike Lupica is playing in a poker tournament. Someone raises in front of him. He looks down at the 2 of hearts & the 4 of clubs and pushes all in. His opponent calls with pocket aces but the board reads 3-5-6-K-8. Mike sees that he made a straight and screams "I OUTPLAYED YOU!"

The best decisions are the ones that are most likely to succeed if the scenario is played out over and over again. And guess what. Feeding Chad Gaudin - who lefties have hit .293/.389/.433 off in his career - to the Phillies in Citizens Bank Park isn't one of those decisions.

I Guess That Scout Was Right...

[Photo]

From the Post a while back (h/t Sports Hernia):

Another talent evaluator believes Chamberlain’s persona changed for the worse when he was converted from reliever to starter and it still affects his mechanics.

“He is a grunt-and-fart guy, he’s Joba,” the scout said. “As soon as he tries to pitch, he moves around and loses his delivery.”

Seems like a pretty apt description of his demeanor in that picture right there, doesn't it?

In related news, can someone please try to locate the bird that shit on Joba's hat?

Seriously, all toilet humor aside, what was on that thing? That's not where sweat stains go. It looked okay against the Red Sox, a little bit worse and in his start against the Royals, and a little more noticeable in Tampa Bay.

Joba, that thing isn't bringing you any luck. If George Steinbrenner knew who you were, you'd be on his shitlist, big time. These are the playoffs, kid, trade it in for a freshie.

Get Ready To Yearn For Michael Kay

We Yankee fans are tough to please. We expect a successful team, we pointed out every flaw in the billion dollar palace they just erected, we chronicled all the wasted space on our 40 man roster, and constantly question how our manager uses the bullpen although he's got great results.

We also complain a lot about our announcers, when in the grand scheme of things, they aren't that bad, as those who have the DirecTV Extra Innings package like my buddy Cliff can tell you. John Sterling, Suzyn Waldman and especially Michael Kay are endlessly scrutinized but it's to be expected since they are in our ear for a good 500 hours a year, unless you listen to Kay's radio show, in which case that number expands to approximately 6,000.

As you probably already know, these last three games in Tampa will be the last we hear of Michael and his signature play-by-play stylings - aside from Yankees Classics and highlight bits on YES - until next Spring. While that might seem like a good thing at first glance, it means that we are going to be stuck with national broadcasters for the rest of the way; guys who haven't followed the team all year and probably aren't going to tell you much you don't already know.

I linked to the playoff announcing schedule yesterday, but wanted to save by anti-Chip Carey rant for another post.

The 2007 postseason were the first national games that TBS had broadcast rights to. As such, it was the first time that Chit Carry had called a Yankee game... and it showed. It was so bad, Richard Sandomir cataloged Carrey's numerous factual errors one by one and wondered in print, "Why isn’t he better prepared?".

It's been two years since that debacle, so you'd think that Chop might have learned a few things in the meantime. Not so much. Here are some comments he made about A.J. Burnett during a media conference call yesterday, (via LoHud):

When he’s on, he’s unhittable. He has a slider that when he throws it where he wants, no one can hit it. The key for him is, he’s kind of an excitable boy. Sometimes that works in his advantage, sometimes I think it works against him. Getting in charge of his emotion will be key. He’s brought a lot of levity to that team. The Yankees were always a team that seemed more like IBM than Apple.

I'm all for referencing Warren Zevon but I don't think Kip Scary would want to call A.J. Burnett an "excitable boy" to his face. And please spare us your dumb analogies and stick to the script, Chep. You're paid to be the play-by-play guy, not to take veiled shots at the Yankees for spending a lot of money. It's no secret that Carray, the son of the legendary Cubs broadcaster, is a fan of National League baseball and not fond of the Yanks and their free-spending, power-hitting ways.

And Chap, Burnett doesn't throw a slider. No one has ever called it a slider. Pitch f/x does not call it a slider. It's a curveball.

Oh wait. What's that? It's Chip? Chip Caray? And he's the grandson of Harry Caray? And that was Ron Darling who was being quoted? Oh, my bad. I guess I should have done some research before going up with the post.

Obstructed Views? WHAT???

In the New York Times today, Ken Belson has some startling revlations about the New Yankee Stadium and Citi Field... THEY MIGHT HAVE OBSTRUCTED VIEWS!!1!!1!1:

The Mets and the Yankees together have spent more than $2 billion on new stadiums partly to bring fans much closer to the action. But that access comes at a cost. For the best views, fans will have to pay eye-popping prices to sit on the field level and in the decks behind home plate in seats angled toward the infield.

Fans on tighter budgets, though, will have to settle for seats in far-off sections, some of which have obstructed views of the field.

Old news, Ken, old news. New Stadium Insider has been all over this. Even we wrote a post about it.

Here is the part that kills me though (emphasis mine):

Mets fans learned this the hard way on Sunday, when St. John’s and Georgetown played the first game at Citi Field. Steven Gottesman, who has a 15-game ticket plan, went to see his four seats in Section 533, Row 15, near the top of the upper deck down the left-field line. To his “shock and horror,” he could not see the warning track or about 20 feet of the outfield from the left-field line to center field.

Dude, Steven. You bought tickets in Section 533, "near the top of the upper deck". What the fuck did you expect? Have you even been to a ballpark before? A lot of the seats in the upper deck in every park have slightly obstructed views. "Shock and horror" is what you feel when you find a dead body checking into your hotel room, not when the seats for your 15 game package IN SECTION 533 don't have a view of 20 feet of the fucking outfield.

“In other words, I will only know if a home run is hit if I am listening to a radio at the game or I wait to see the sign from the umpire,” Gottesman, 45, said in an e-mail message.

Wow, this guy really has never been to a baseball game before. Steve, if you are unsure if a home run was just hit, ask yourself a few simple questions:

1. How is the crowd reacting?
2. A roaring cheer?
3. A collective sigh?
4. Okay, what team is batting?
5. Is the batter rounding the bases?
6. Did the outfielder throw the ball back into the infield?
7. Are fans of either team high-fiving each other nearby?
8. Does the pitcher look like he just got punched in the stomach?
9. How have I not figured this out by now?
10. Will I ever get this eight precious seconds of my life back?

Gottesman added: “If Endy Chávez made his catch in this new stadium and I had been there, I would not have seen it.”

No, you might not have theoretically seen it (leaving aside the fact that this is a different park), but you would have experienced the rest of Shea Stadium going absolutley out of their minds. You know where you could have viewed it perfectly? At home on your HDTV.

You don't go to a game to see every single thing that happens, Steve. You go to take in the atmopshere, and to say that you were there when it occurred. I was at a game in 2005 where Bernie Williams hit a walk off 2 run HR in the bottom 11th inning into the short porch in right. I was in the right field upper deck and couldnt see it acutally leave the park, but I knew about two thirds of a second after it happened. If you were at Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS and had your view obscured, do you really think you'd be bitching about the fact that you couldn't see that one play?

Steve, if you are reading (doubtful), stop being a douche and sell your tickets to someone who might actually appreciate being at the game. I'm not even a Mets fan and I'd buy a few.

Happy St. Stupid Apparel's Day!

A brief history of this special day:

Over fifteen hundred years ago, on an island in the North Atlantic, St. Stupid Apparel rounded up all the team colored merchandise and drove it into the sea. He then replaced all the items with stuff you could only wear one day out of the year (without looking like an asshat).

For more recent developments in St. Stupid Apparel's Day, please visit Simon On Sports. He has extensively chronicled these recent crimes against team branding and aesthetics. You can even vote on the most egregious!

Now go sneak out of work and grab a Guinness. And bring your green hat.

Asshats

In honor of the fact that Real Time with Bill Maher starts up again tomorrow night, I've got a New Rule:

New Rule: Team apparel can only be sold in team colors.

The above items are useful for exactly one day per year, which doesn't even fall during the baseball season. Have at it, Sox fans! Grab yourself a pair of those pajama pants, one of those hideous green shirts, and wave that "lucky" banner while you are jumping off the Prudential Center.

I'm not just picking on the Sox. Check out all of these acts against God:

If are wearing one of those right now, please ex-out of your browser and never read this blog again.

Are you a Mets fan but want to wear a Yankees hat for some odd fucking reason? Maybe you are a Yankees fan who just adores the combination of blue an orange. A lifelong David Cone/Doc Gooden/Darryl Strawberry fan?

No? Are you a straight gangsta from Oakland who ain't afraid to show some love for da Yanks? Or a colorblind nerd from New York attending Berkley?
Then you must like the Braves, Cubs or Pirates, and are dying to wear their colors on the hat of the most hated franchise in all of baseball, right?

Can someone please explain how buying a team's hat with another team's colors on it makes even one small bit of sense? Do you like both teams? Do you wear it only when the two teams play each other? What takes precedence, the logo or the colors?

Look, I understand the financial reasons a team has to bastardize their logo by sewing it onto a million different hats. More unique items translate into more sales. There are some very stupid people out there who probably want a Yankees hat to go with every outfit they own and are not ashamed to look like a complete and utter douchebag while doing it.

But here is a short message to those dummies and others who have bought branded merchandise in non-official team colors:

You are suckers.

At a certain point the following conversation happened somewhere in the MLB offices:

Executive: Our merchandise sales are stagnating, gentlemen. What can we do about it?

Sales guy #1: Well, we could make it cheaper, sir...

Executive: You're fired.

Sales guy #2: We could try to increase our global distrib-

Executive: Great idea! Just kidding, you're a moron. Next?

Sales guy #3: Well, we could make stuff in different colors...

Executive: Brilliant! We'll put out a never ending stream of new colors and some idiots are bound to buy them!

In closing: Don't be a sheep. If you don't like your team's official colors, don't buy the merchandise. If you are worried about the colors of your team's hat and whether or not they match with the rest of your clothing, rest assured that people will notice how ugly you are long before the fact that your hat clashes with your stupid jacket.

Drew Rosenhaus: Gentleman, Scholar

Via three consecutive posts from Ralph Vacchiano (the only person I link to about the Giants) "super" agent and colossal douche Drew Rosenhaus sent a letter to all 32 NFL teams announcing that three of his clients, Chad Johnson, Anquan Boldin and Plaxico Burress are available via trade:

Rosenhaus, who has represented Burress since he signed with the Giants four years ago, sent an e-mail to all 32 teams earlier this week in which he indicated Burress could be acquired via trade, according to three people informed of the contents of the e-mail. The people, who requested anonymity because the e-mail was not to be discussed publicly, said it was a list of Rosenhaus' free-agent and draft-eligible clients as well as three players he deemed trade-able. All three are wide receivers: the Cardinals' Anquan Boldin, the Bengals' Chad Johnson and Burress.

Minor detail: He didn't have permission from any of the teams to do so, because no team would ever want to have their hand tipped like that. Have you even heard of a team sending out such a letter?

And what team is going to trade for Plaxico Burress? I'm not sure if you are familiar with the legal process, but there is a really good chance that he'll be spending next season or three in jail. If the Giants could potentially get a draft pick or two from a team stupid enough to acquire a injury prone wide receiver with a $35M contract and an impending prison sentence, by all means, Jerry Reese, do it. But why would Drew Rosenfuckface be promoting that agenda?

Let me just say in general that as an agent I can do whatever I want. Let me clarify the rules. Teams cannot talk to an agent about a player who is under contract, but there’s no limits on what an agent can try and do to help his client. You know, the bottom line is that I get paid by my clients to advance their agenda, not the teams’ agendas. And there’s no rule that prohibits me from talking to teams about any of my clients. I’m going to do my job. That’s the bottom line.

Oh! So the player can sign with another team, negotiate a new contract and he can get a piece of the commission. Naturally.

Hey Drouche, you are a cut-rate football version of Scott Boras, except even more annoying and without the blue chip clients. Chad Johnson changed his name (except couldn't put it on the back of his jersey) and caught six passes for -8 yards last season. Plax literally shot himself, is awaiting trail and missed several games due to injuries and suspension. Boldin had the slight built-in advantage of playing on the opposite side of the field from Larry Fitzgerald last year. So I'm sure Drew's expectations for what a team is going to have to give up for 'Quan are reasonable:

There was a big trade this season for Roy Williams. The wide receiver went from Detroit to the Dallas Cowboys and that compensation involved a first-round pick, third-round pick and sixth-round pick (and a seventh next year). So you have to use that. Any time you see a front-line, No. 1 receiver, a Pro Bowl receiver, being traded, you have to look at the Roy Williams deal as a landmark for what the compensation would be.

I know it's difficult to count to two, but NEITHER OF THOSE GUYS ARE FUCKING "NO. 1 RECEIVER[S]", YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLE MORON. Have you heard of Larry Fitzgerald and/or Calvin Johnson? Because those guys are the #1 WRs on their respective teams. Also worth nothing - Roy Williams (5 years in the NFL, 1 Pro Bowl). Why good does it do to drive up your client's trade value? Does Drouche automatically get to sign one of the draft picks?

And by the way, Jerry Jones, how is that Roy Williams trade working for you, anyway? Can a glaringly terrible trade still serve as a benchmark? It was dumb at the time and looks even stupider in hindsight. I hope both of these asshats get trampled by a circus elephant.

The DSRL Must Die

I hate advertising. I watch everything on TV with my DVR trailing behind so I can fast forward through commercials. If I catch up, I'll pause or mute it. I think I'm allergic to ads. Stick around here long enough and I might even tell you how to pause two channels at once on your DVR and watch two NFL games airing concurrently on different channels.

As you may or may not have noticed, there are no ads on this blog. That is partially because we would literally make no money off them, and partially because online advertising is an exercise in futility. Think of how much time you spend online, and then think about how many things you've purchased via an online advertisement. You've probably bought plenty of stuff on the interwebs, but chances are you knew where you were going, or got there through Google.

Anyway, when I see terrible advertising, it bothers me even more than most people. The online stream of ESPN radio has some epically awful ads, probably because the companies who can afford legitimate ads buy spots on traditional radio. Also ESPN probably sees the internet feed as a potential second revenue stream and isn't about to give that away for free to the companies paying for regular radio spots. I usually take my earphones out when the commercials come on, but sometimes I get focused on what I'm doing, and one of the awful ads sneaks into my brain. If you listen to ESPN radio online, you'll probably recognize some of the following gems:

• Matthew McConaughey talking about the "Land Of Lean Beef"


• A spot that asks "Do you know what the difference between all the millionaires out there and YOU is?" [Hmmm... Hundreds of thousands of dollars?] "They decided they WANTED to become millionaires"
  
  
• "Do you were a career correction, or just some direction?" (in reference to working for the New York City department of corrections). [Just a thought, but if an employer has to advertise their openings in this economy, you probably don't want that job.]
  
  
• Mike Golic talking about Dial for Men ("Maintenance For Your Mansuit") and calling "odor causing bacteria" the "most dangerous player on the field". [Just because you are advertising on sports talk radio doesn't mean everything has to be a fucking sports related analogy]

Now, I don't really like doing this all that much, because it is also related to a certain championship winning New York City athlete, but it is my duty as a the proprietor of a semi-obscenely named sports blog. The Double Stuf [sic] Racing League (NSFW: Obnoxious Music) must be prodded to death with a fireplace stoker in the hottest portion of hell.

I have no problem with Mike & Mike. If you like a show that will put you back to sleep in the morning, give you only the mainstream opinion, and tell you absolutely nothing of import, I highly recommend theirs. But hearing Greeny and Golic talk about having a "lick race" makes Two Girls One Cup seem palatable.

See for yourself.

The worst part is that during the commercial, Greeny says he can beat Golic at a sport. Golic then asks if he's talking about chess or tennis, to which Greeny responds, "No, Golic, a REAL sport".

Yes, these two asshats, who make their living talking about actual fucking sports like football, baseball and basketball sold out so badly, that they are calling two people licking the filling off of a sandwich style chocolate cookie "a REAL sport". Nice work, I hope it wa$ worth it.

What's the fucking end game, guys? Is anyone on earth going to buy a package of Oreos and actually have a race to see who can lick the filling off faster? Oreos are kind of gross to begin with, even when you aren't watching adults eat them like they are six year-olds.

This one is on you, Nabisco. Decisions like these are the reasons our economy is in the shitter. Some retard actually came up with this idea, pitched to some pretty high level executives, and didn't get laughed out of the room? I will never understand this world.