Need A Laugh? [Non-Sports]

It has not been the greatest of days so far for fans of the Yankees. But if you don't laugh at this, you are a vegetable.




(h/t Schiff)

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Joe Torre (#6)

That's all you get Joe, a picture. Enough has been been said about you lately.

And also...

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!1!!!1!1!!!

No one cares about your stupid fucking book anymore, do they?

A-Fraud?

Despite my strong personal dislike for his postseason performances, I have been reluctant to call Alex Rodriguez "A-Fraud." I never understood the meaning of the term. How exactly was he fraudulent? Given his personality, A-Hole seemed like the proper A-hyphenated nickname. I myself preferred the name "Mr. 162" label -- for his propensity for regular season greatness and postseason suckitude.

However, Selena Roberts and David Epstein of Sports Illustrated have launched a nuclear bomb that give this "A-Fraud" nickname proverbial legs. According to four sources of the two writers of the once-great periodical, in 2003, when he won the American League home run title and his first AL Most Valuable Player award as a shortstop for the Texas Rangers, Alex Rodriguez tested positive for two anabolic steroids. According to the sources, Rodriguez's name appears on a list of 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball's '03 survey testing.

The results of that year's survey testing of all players were meant to be anonymous under the joint agreement between the commissioner's office and the players association. However, the results were discovered after Feds seized the '03 test results from Comprehensive Drug Testing, Inc., of Long Beach, CA as part of the BALCO investigation by the government. The list of the players is currently sealed. However, sources who know contents of the list told SI that A-Rod tested positive for testosterone and an anabolic steroid known as Primobolan. Some anonymity...

According to the 2007 Mitchell Report, in September 2004, Gene Orza, the chief operating officer of the players' union, violated an agreement with MLB by tipping off a player (not named in the report) about an upcoming, supposedly unannounced drug test. Three major league players who spoke to SI said that Rodriguez was also tipped by Orza in early September 2004 that he would be tested later that month. Rodriguez declined to respond on Thursday when asked about the warning Orza provided him. Wow. you're tipped off and still cannot even pass. Certainly a clutch performer...

Great. Distractions. Just what A-Rod needs. Just what the Yankees need. As if screwing Madonna was not enough. As if the Torre book was not enough.

Rodriguez has repeatedly denied steroid use in the past, including in a "60 Minutes Interview" with Katie Couric. In the interview, when asked by Couric if he had used steroids, human growth hormone or another performance-enhancing drug, Rodriguez said categorically, "No."

"I think baseball's done a fine job of implementing some very strict rules," Rodriguez said in the interview. "I mean, I got tested eight or nine times. I know some of my teammates got tested, you know, seven, eight ... times and, you know, if you think about where the game is today versus where it was six years ago, I think Major League Baseball has made some nice strides."

"I've never felt overmatched on the baseball field," Rodriguez said. "... I felt that if I did my, my work as I've done since I was, you know, a rookie back in Seattle, I didn't have a problem competing at any level."

Many people, myself included, thought that A-Rod was untainted and could not wait until he eventually dethroned Barry Bonds as the Home Run King. This news, which turns A-Rod into "A-Fraud," is like somebody stepping on your junk with steel toed boots.

Fortunately for A-Rod, unfortunately for Yankees fans/the Yankee organization, it does not appear that A-Rod's contract will be able to be voided.

Alex, can't you just retire? You have already made more money than anybody needs. As a liar and a cheat, everybody hates you, including Yankees fans. Your records and statistics mean nothing after you cheated or are accused of cheating. Retiring would spare you the public scorn that will disintegrate your already weaker than peanut butter brittle psyche and let you screw as many muscular broads as you want. Maybe you can work with fellow New York cheater Elliot Spitzer. Retiring would be a win-win situation for everyone. PLEASE! JUST DO IT! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

#105

Everyone is talking about how the other 103 players besides A-Rod on that list have to be sweating it out.

How about George Mitchell? The egg is already all over his face and when David Ortiz or any other Red Sock pops up on that list he's going to get an carton's worth more. There are 103 more names to come, it's going to happen. His "objectivity" will be destroyed and everything that went into the stupid fucking Mitchell Report will be called into question.

The only silver lining is that this makes Bud Selig look like even more of a ignoramus.

DO NOT HIRE RUSTY HARDIN

Hey Alex, just a quick bit of advice.

Admit it.

If you deny this, the questions will pile up, reporters will never leave you alone, and your life will be a living hell. Look at Clemens. Now look in the mirror. Be the first big star to own up. Trust me.

Shyster's take.
Will Carroll's take.

Nixon, Bonds, Belichick, A-Rod [Breaking News]

All cheated but none had to.

More to come.

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Mickey Mantle (#7)

Mickey Mantle. Just has a nice ring, doesn't it? Even if you flipped their career numbers, they weren't writing that song about Moose Skowron.

There's a reason Rodney Dangerfield changed his name from Jackie Roy, Kirk Douglas wasn't satisfied with Issur Danielovich, John Wayne didn't go by Marrion Marrison, and Cary Grant's real name Archie Leach. Of course baseball is far more of a meritocracy than Hollywood, but a player must be noticed, scouted, signed and promoted through the ranks. It's human nature that Tom Greenwade, the scout who first saw him in Baxter Springs, Kansas in 1948, was probably intrigued by "Mickey Mantle" more than his teammate Billy Johnson, the first time he saw the two names on a line-up card.

Part of the reason I don't have the burning desire to be famous is that even if I was President, people would still mispronounce my last name. In Italy it's pronounced "Gar-jou-low" but over here we generally dumb it down to "Gar-jew-low" so people at least have a chance. I used to have an oaf of a homeroom teacher named Mr. Wareing at CBA who would pronounce it "Gar-ge-you-low" no matter how many times I corrected him. The only upside to having a unique, somewhat oddly-spelled and foreign-sounding last name is that telemarketers don't have a shot.

Me: Hello
Caller: Can I speak to Mr. or Mrs. um, Gaar-
Me: (hangs up)

Anyway, Mickey Mantle was signed the day he graduated high school for $400 for the rest of the season and a $1,100 signing bonus. The scout, Greenwade said he was the best Yankee prospect he could remember, Joe DiMaggio agreed and Casey Stengel added, "He's got more natural power from both sides than anybody I ever saw".

Mantle made his Yankee debut on April 7th, 1951 as a lanky 19 year old, yet to grow into his sturdy frame. He was sent back down the the minors shortly thereafter, where he hit a blistering .361 in 40 games, and was then called back up to the Bigs. He and Willie Mays actually made their World Series debuts in the same game. Mays went 0-5 and Mantle 0-3.

It didn't take long for Mantle to live up to his star studded name.

In his first full season with the Yankees in 1952, Mantle replaced Joe D in CF, hit .331/.394/.530, made the All-Star Team and finished 3rd in the MVP voting. It was his first of 14 straight All-Star berths and he placed in the MVP voting 14 out of the next 15 years as well.

During that time, Mantle won three AL MVPs, finished second to Roger Maris in 1960 & 1961, to Brooks Robinson in 1964 and finished in the top 5 three times more. In 1957, he hit .365/.512/.665 and barely edged Ted Williams in the MVP race, who hit .388/.526/.731.

He had unprecedented power as a center fielder. Mantle was legendary for not only the number (536 career), but the length of his home runs, as the term "tape measure home run" was coined for his prodigious blasts. The famous graphic to the right triangulates a shot he drilled off the facade of the Stadium which was still 118 ft high 370 feet from home plate. He also hit a ball clear out of Tiger Stadium that was said to have traveled 463 feet. There were rumors of another at Griffith Stadium 565ft long, but this included the distance the ball traveled after it landed.

For all his swiftness and brawn, Mantle struggled mightily with injuries, missing an average of 18 games a year after his rookie season. He had both acute and chronic ailments in the bones and cartilage in both of his legs. In his World Series debut mentioned above, he and DiMaggio both sprinted towards a fly ball, but Joe called him off, causing Mickey to stop short. Mantle tore the cartilage in his right knee as his cleat got caught on a drainage cover hidden in the outfield grass. To mitigate the damage he might cause after that, he applied thick tape wraps around each knee before games.

In addition to injury, Mickey battled alcoholism. His father died when Mantle was 20 years old and he was nagged by the dread of his own mortality. As a result, he lived hard. He gave incredible effort on the field, but also partied recklessly away from the Stadium. Mick, Whitey Ford and Billy Martin frequented Toot Shur's and the Copacabana, where they would carouse with ladies despite their wives at home and get into their fair share of scuffles and scrapes.

Alcoholism followed Mickey long after his playing career, right up until he died at age 63 in 1995. He had checked into the Betty Ford Center in 1994, but by then, the damage had been done. Upon his examination, a doctor from the BFC told his that his liver was so damaged that "his next drink could be his last". Before he died, Mantle acknowledged his alcoholism and was able to reflect on the harm it had caused him and more importantly those around him.

Today, you can visit Mickey Mantle's on Central Park South. It has a replica version of Yankee Stadium and some awesome memorabilia. Despite the name and the location, beers are pretty reasonable and the wings aren't bad either.

But Stoners LOVE Frosted Flakes...

From Ad Age, via Deadspin, it appears as though Kellogg's is planning on letting Michael Phelps' contract expire at the end of this month.

"We originally built the relationship with Michael, as well as the other Olympic athletes, to support our association with the U.S. Olympic team," a Kellogg spokeswoman said in a statement. "Michael's most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract."

I respect that position, but why didn't they just change the box?

[Obviously, h/t News Of The World for the photo]

Thursdays Just Got A Whole Lot Less Cool

We here at Fack Youk make no secret of the fact that the name of of this rag tag outfit was inspired by Drew Magary's brilliant transcription of Bawston-speak onto the intertubes. During the NFL Season he writes the incomparable Thursday NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo, but I looked forward more to his offseason Balls Deep column, in which he seamlessly blended insights into life, sports, drinking and sex with hatred, profanity, and sarcasm. Back in June, he delivered a stirring address to the Graduating classes of '08:

You think you’re gonna make a difference? You got some nerve, asshole. You’re just part of another class going through the same routine as the class before you. You’re no different. You’re just as full of douchebags and shitheads as any other class. In fact, given the rising popularity of lacrosse, your class is probably even worse. The rest of us eventually had our dreams crushed by the cruel realities of the world. I see no reason not to burst your bubble right here and now. Heed these words, then fall in line like the rest of us.

Truly inspirational.

He also used that regular column to come up with some genuine insights into life, including when he explained why, selfishly, he was voting for Obama:

I’m voting for Barack Obama this fall. Now, I have lots of reasons to do it, all of them blatantly self-serving. Don’t like Obama? Feel like voting for McCain? Fine by me. I’m not interested in starting any sort of political flame war. But the main reason that I’m voting for Obama is because he offers something that McCain does not: an opportunity for me to “be a part” of a historic moment.

It’s an inescapable fact for both candidates that a black man winning the White House would be a far a greater milestone in American History than if another old-ass white guy were to keep the streak alive. The reason Obama can talk about change all the time without getting too specific is because he doesn’t have to get specific. He IS the change. The act of him winning, by itself, has a huge impact.

So there’s something immensely appealing to me about the prospect of living through that sort of moment. I was born in 1976. I have lived through exactly one seminal moment in American history, and that was 9/11. I would very much like something to counterbalance it. I’d like to bear witness to history and not feel ashamed for the odd kind of thrill it provides. I’m voting for the moment as much as I’m voting for the man.

Well, in yesterday's Jambaroo, the last of the NFL season, he announced that Balls Deep was no more.

Also, I regret to inform you that Balls Deep, the regular Thursday column I ran in place of the Jamboroo during the offseason, will not be returning. Much to Buzz Bissinger's relief.

Instead, I'll be continuing my editor at large duties here by popping in for random posts every so often. My hope is to litter the site with more Great Moments in Poop, polygraph tests, Nazi Shark picks, and poorly worded, profanity-filled rants. I believe I also owe the editor of this site a Cultural Oddsmaker column, so look for that, too.

Lastly, not that you needed the incentive, but I've joined Penthouse magazine as a new monthly columnist. Someone on Facebook told me they only masturbate to it for the articles. Me too!

It's a sad day to be an occasionally vulgar sports blogger. Good for Drew, Penthouse is the perfect forum for him, and I hope that what he writes over there resembles all the fantastic stuff he has done for Deadspin over the years.

The first Balls Deep column I read completely blew my mind. I didn't know you could do THAT. There wasn't (and probably still isn't) another place to get random sapient sports-related insights very specific to the college/20's demographic presented without pretense, self consciousness or an editorial filter.

I can tell you that reading his stuff not only helped encourage me to build this little thing here, but to expand my range and talk about all sorts of stuff, and not be afraid to use words that might offend some people. But like all good things, this came to an end.

We still have KSK, and like he said above, he will still make surprise appearances at The 'Spin. But on Thursdays from early February to late August, there won't be something that will make me drop whatever I'm doing at work around 4:00 and head to my Google Reader.

Would Someone Take This F____r Out Of The Division?

As first reported by Joel Sherman this morning, it appears that Kevin Millar is heading to the Blue Jays on a minor league deal. Sherman added that the Nationals, Rangers and Mets all considered signing him, along with the Yankees, on the strength of recommendations from Johnny Damon (understandable) and Alex Rodriguez (WTF?).

A-Rod, you have never played on the same team as Millar. Not even the same All-Star team (because Millar never made one). He was on the Red Sox, remember? The only thing you guys have in common is that you both like to dye your hair blonde. Perhaps you share a stylist?

In 110 games against the Yankees, Millar has a 120 OPS+, the highest against any AL team, save for the Tampa Bay Jesus Rays. Just last year, on May 27th, Millar went 3-6 with two home runs against the Yanks in an 11 inning showdown the Yanks ended up losing after Millar was intentionally walked to load the bases.

I hate Kevin Millar. I hate him a lot. From the "Cowboy Up" and "Idiots" bullshit, to his Slim Shady haircut and his stupid fucking goatee. I hate the fact that he came back and threw out the first pitch at Fenway for Game 7 of the ALCS in 2007, when he still played for the Orioles. If he was still on the Red Sox, I would have probably figured a way to name this blog after how much I hope he loses an arm in trash compactor.

Fack you Kevin Millah, you Bobcat Goldtwhait-looking motherfackah.

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Yogi Berra (#8)

Nice to finally enter the single digits in the countdown.

Today, there are 8 days left until Pitchers and Catchers Report. The Yankees are lucky to have two #8's retired: Legendary catchers Bill Dickey and Lawrence Peter Berra. No disrespect to Dickey (who is currently is the only Yankee with a retired number not yet featured on the YES Network series Yankeeography), but Yogi will be the subject of my post.

Yogi Berra began his storied Yankee career as a callup in 1946. In 1947, he became a mainstay in the Yankee lineup until 15 years later.

Berra’s on-the-field accomplishments speak for themselves.

Yogi, a 15-time All-Star, appeared in fourteen World Series, won ten championships, both of which are records. Because Berra played during the Yankees' most dominant era, it enabled him to establish the major league records for World Series games (75), at-bats (259), hits (71), doubles (10), singles (49), games caught (63), and catcher putouts (457). He was one of only four players to be named the Most Valuable Player of the American League three times and one of only six managers to lead both American and National League teams to the World Series. In 1972, he was elected to the Hall of Fame along with Sandy Koufax and Early Wynn.

Between 1949 and 1955, on a team filled with offensive studs including Mickey Mantle and Joe DiMaggio, it was Berra who led the Yankees in RBI for seven consecutive seasons. Not bad for a 5 foot, 8 inch catcher.

As a fielder, Berra was also tops at his position. He led all American League catchers eight times in games caught and in chances accepted, six times in double plays (a major league record), eight times in putouts, three times in assists, and once in fielding percentage. Berra left the game with the AL records for catcher putouts (8,723) and chances accepted (9,520). He was also one of only four catchers to ever field 1.000 for a season, playing 88 errorless games in 1958. Later in his career, he became a good defensive outfielder in Yankee Stadium's notoriously difficult left field.

In June 1962, at the age of 37, Berra showed his endurance by catching an entire 22-inning, seven-hour game against the Tigers. In today's day of pampered, high paid prima donnas, I think Cy Young's all-time wins record has a better chance of being broken. Nothing against manager Ralph Houk, but it is also stupid to let a star player play that long for 1 game in a 162 game season...

Yogi also caught the only perfect game in postseason history—catching Don Larsen in Game 5 of the 1956 Fall Classic against the crosstown Brooklyn Dodgers. On July 18, 1999, Larsen and Berra celebrated the feat with a ceremonial pitch for "Yogi Berra Day" at Yankee Stadium. Yankees pitcher David Cone then went on to throw his own 27 up, 27 down masterpiece against the Montreal Expos.

In 1999 he was named to The Sporting News list of Baseball's Greatest Players, ranking number 40, trailing Bench (16), Josh Gibson (18) and finishing ahead of Roy Campanella (50) and his mentor Bill Dickey (57).

Stats back up his greatness as well. According to the win shares formula developed by leading sabermetrician Bill James, Berra is the greatest catcher of all time and the 52nd greatest non-pitcher in major-league history.

Like Vladimir Guerrerro today, Berra was excellent at hitting poor pitches. Despite swinging at pitches in the dirt and those over his small frame, Berra had more home runs in a season than strikeouts. In 1950, Berra struck out only twelve times in 597 at-bats. When asked about swinging at "bad pitches", Berra was reported to say, "If I can hit it, it's a good pitch." [Note: A-Rod, how about adjusting to pitches in the postseason instead of guessing all the time?]

Yogi also served 2 stints as the manager of the Yankees, the first coming in 1964. Despite leading the Yanks to the World Series where they lost to his hometown St. Louis Cardinals in 7 (which began their slide that lasted until the mid-70s when George Steinbrenner bought the team), Berra was fired. According to insiders, Berra could not control his players.

In 1976, he rejoined the Yanks as a coach, and voila, the Yanks returned to their winning ways. The team won its first of three consecutive AL titles. This uncanny ability to bring about good luck was not unnoticed. Casey Stengel once said of him, "He'd fall in a sewer and come up with a gold watch." Berra was eventually elevated to Yankee manager before the 1984 season.

Berra agreed to stay in the job for 1985 after receiving assurances that he would not be fired. However, the notoriously impatient Steinbrenner fired him after the 16th game of the season. Instead of firing Yogi personally, Steinbrenner dispatched GM Clyde King to deliver the news for him. This caused a rift between the two men that would not be mended for almost 15 years. Yogi's replacement? If you guessed Billy Martin you may or may not be a baseball historian.

On August 22, 1988, Berra and his predecessor Dickey were honored with plaques to be hung in Monument Park at Yankee Stadium. Berra's plaque calls him "A Legendary Yankee" and cites his most frequent quote, "It ain't over till it's over." However, the honor was not enough to cure the relationship between Steinbrenner and Yogi. That would not happen until January of 1999 when Steinbrenner publicly apologized to Berra. According to Steinbrenner at the time, "It's the worst mistake I ever made in baseball.'' The power broker behind the meeting? Suzyn Waldman. Thankfully they made amends as I cannot imagine Yogi as not part of the Yankees today.

Yogi is a National Treasure. Despite having only an 8th Grade education, he is perhaps best known for his wisdom. Among his famous modisms are “It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over” and "It's like déjà vu all over again"—referring to Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris repeatedly hitting back to back home runs in the Yankees' seasons in the early 1960s. Yogi has been featured in advertisements for Yoohoo, AFLAC, Entenmann's, and Stovetop Stuffing. Nice to see an old-timer make some money.

Many wonder how Berra got his nickname “Yogi.” A friend of his said he resembled a Hindu holy man (yogi) they had seen in a movie, whenever Berra sat around with arms and legs crossed waiting to bat. Years later, the Hanna-Barbera cartoon character Yogi Bear was named after Berra, something Berra did not appreciate after he started being periodically addressed as "Yogi Bear." Can’t blame the guy.

Yogi's best friend on the Yankees was fellow 5-foot paesan Phil Rizzuto (R.I.P. Phil). The two bought and ran a bowling alley together in North Jersey to supplement their relatively small income that they received from the Yankees. This special friendship lasted beyond their days on the diamond. When Scooter's health began to decline, Yogi visited him every Wednesday at his home. According to Yogi, "When I first came up to the Yankees, he was like a big - actually small - brother to me." It seems to me that it is rare in sports for teammates to remain best buds after their playing careers are finished. Yogi made an appearance in the YES Broadcast Booth with the day Phil passed away because he thought it was what his long time friend would have wanted. Here is a pretty lengthy interview he gave with Joe Torre in the Yanks' dugout that same day.

Berra has 10 rings, but only wears his 1953 ring, in commemoration of the Yankees' record 5th consecutive World Championship. What a nice luxury to have...

Perhaps if Yogi had been able to manage past the 1964 season and past the 1985 season, the Yankees wouldn't only be going for World Championship #27. Is it a coincidence that the Yankees reached their lowest points after Berra was fired as manager? Maybe, maybe not.

Given his offense, defense and leadership, it can definitely be argued that Yogi is the most valuable Yankee ever.

5/2

Pretty busy today, so here's another quickie:

Via LoHud, TheSpread.com released the odds of all 30 MLB teams winning the World Series:

Arizona Diamondbacks 30/1
Atlanta Braves 35/1
Baltimore Orioles 150/1
Boston Red Sox 15/2
Chicago Cubs 7/1
Chicago White Sox 25/1
Cincinnati Reds 50/1
Cleveland Indians 25/1
Colorado Rockies 60/1
Detroit Tigers 20/1
Florida Marlins 40/1
Houston Astros 40/1
Kansas City Royals 150/1
Los Angeles Angels 11/1
Los Angeles Dodgers 17/1
Milwaukee Brewers 35/1
Minnesota Twins 25/1
New York Mets 7/1
New York Yankees 5/2
Oakland Athletics 55/1
Philadelphia Phillies 11/1
Pittsburgh Pirates 200/1
San Diego Padres 200/1
San Francisco Giants 40/1
Seattle Mariners 100/1
St Louis Cardinals 30/1
Tampa Bay Rays 12/1
Texas Rangers 60/1
Toronto Blue Jays 60/1
Washington Nationals 150/1

If you have $50, are you putting it on the Yanks to win $125 or the Sawx to win $375?

(Tigers to win $1000, White Sox to win $1250, Diamondbacks to win $1500, Pirates/Padres to win $10,000? )

ESPN Widget Headlines Compelling, Current [Part III]

I'm going to keep doing this until ESPN realizes that the point of a widget is to bring forward breaking stories that people may have not heard about yet. You know, something like this. Or this. Or this. At least there isn't any mention of this dumbassery.