Jonathan Papelbon ≠ Mariano Rivera. Ever.

Take it away, Gordon Edes...

I'm sorry, what?

Again, but just the second part:

Whose path?

Okay.

Mariano Rivera's "path" began in Puerto Caimito, Panama playing baseball with makeshift equipment in the streets. He signed with the Yankees for $3,000 and spent 5 years toiling in the minors. Now he's won 5 World Series, is the greatest closer ever and has accomplished it all with a freakish reliance on one pitch. Jonathan Papelbon was a starting pitcher in the minors, has one World Series ring and closes for a team in the AL East, but you lose me after that.

Now, aside from the fact that both guys have three vowels in their last name, what are these amazing off the field similarities?

When you compare the earnings curve of the Yankees' icon and the Red Sox All-Star, there are definite parallels, especially in the way both have worked on one-year deals in the early years of their careers.

Yes. Them and 75% of the other players to reach the Major Leagues. See, there is a process called arbitration, and most players aren't offered multi-year deals that buy out... Nevermind. Maybe I'm nitpicking here, but "off the field" usually refers to a player's life away from baseball, not his contract status with his team.

But continue, Gordon, with these uncanny parallels:

Rivera had two Series rings when he became eligible for arbitration for the first time in 1999 and signed a one-year deal for $4.25 million. He went to an arbitration hearing before the following season, 2000, and lost, receiving a contract for $7.25 million after asking for $9.25 million. His $3 million raise was just $100,000 short of what Papelbon received.

Yes, what a coincidence that Papelbon and Rivera both performed well, went through the same process and got similarly proportioned raises. It's almost as if Papelbon's agent used Rivera as a precedent!

And now for the part where Edes completely submarines his own analogy:

Papelbon has demonstrated that he will not settle for anything less than what he considers fair value for his talents, and the Red Sox may not be willing to pay eight figures for a closer. And unlike the Yankees, the Red Sox have a prospective closer-in-waiting in Daniel Bard.

The last Yankees closer before Rivera was an All-Star named John Wetteland, who was named MVP of the 1996 World Series after saving all four games against the Atlanta Braves. But after the season, the Yankees allowed Wetteland to leave as a free agent because Rivera was in the wings. And we all know how that worked out.

Got that folks? Jonathan Papelbon = Mariano Rivera. Until the last paragraph, wherein Jonathan Papelbon = John Wetteland and Daniel Bard becomes Rivera.

Was Jonathan Papelbon raised in a fishing village in Panama? Did he once work upon a commercial shrimping boat? Is he devoutly religious? Is he fluent in Spanish? Does he own a steakhouse in New Rochelle?

No. Jonathan Papelbon is a blithering ignoramus who picks out names for his kids based on whether they are "badass" or not. He says stupid things without thinking. He's a demonstrative douchebag on the mound. He does not throw a cut fastball. He's part childish buffoon and part ungracious asshole. In short he's the anti-Mo.

Rivera is as distinguished of a player as there is active in baseball. He conducts himself with dignity and class in every facet in his life that is visible to the public. It's nothing short of insulting to Mo to equate him to Papelbon in an way. To do so is to stoop to lazy, hacky journalism. Eventually, someone may follow in Mariano Rivera's "path" to some extent. But that person will not be Jonathan Papelbon.

Weekend Pissing Match Round Up

The 2009 Yankees have taken to passing around a replica WWE Championship Belt to the player of the game after each victory, and the wrasslin' mentality seems to be taking hold. In a week that saw the Yankees face the two teams that the media loves to portray as their biggest rivals, we saw three separate "feuds" play out through the media.

First up is Joe Girardi and Brad Penny. Penny started the series finale on Thursday. A-Rod came to the plate in the first inning with two outs and Derek Jeter on third base. Penny came way inside on the first pitch, came back with a strike, then plunked A-Rod on the third pitch. I thought it was intentional and I didn't have a problem with it. There have been plenty of plunked batters between these teams in recent years. Joba has drawn the ire of the Sox in much the same way that Pedro used to with the Yankees. I figured this was coming.

Back at the Stadium on Friday, Joe Girardi was asked if he thought Penny hit A-Rod on purpose, He responded in the affirmative. Penny fired back on Saturday saying he could "give two f---s" what Girardi thinks and criticized Girardi for waiting to get back to New York to say anything about it. Chances are Brad Penny isn't even with the Sox by the time these teams meet next in August, but I'm sure we'll see a few more guys wind up in the dirt.

Also coming out of the Yanks-Sox rivlary is Twittergate, in which John Henry intimated that the Yankees are cursed by Mark Teixeira spurning the Sox and signing with the Yanks. This apparently pissed Teixeira off and he spouted off to the media about it a bit. For the record, Twitter is stupid; I see no point to it at all. Oh, and be sure to follow Fack Youk on Twitter.

I peg Teix as the prototypical Boras client. He's like roboballplayer. He plays well; he wears a constant look of intense focus; speaks to the media entirely in cliches and platitudes; and of course, took the contract with the greatest dollar amount. So I find it somewhat surprising that Teix rocked the boat twice last week, with Henry and in confronting noted drunk Rick Sutclife regarding an accusation he made about Teix and A-Rod tipping pitches. I can see him taking issue with the Sutcliffe thing because in that he has a former player accusing him of impropriety between the lines. But Henry? Just let it go Mark. Why give him the satisfaction?

I guess I had Teix figured wrong. Last week's incidents come on the heels of his outbursts earlier this season directed at Carlos Gomez and Vicente Padilla. Teix is getting booed in Baltimore for not signing there; he's booed in Boston for not signing there; and he'll likely be booed in Atlanta and Anaheim later this year. I suppose he should be thankful that the Nationals' series is at home. Keep booing him people; we'll probably see Teix tear off someone's arms and beat him to death with them before the season's over.

Last but not least is the well-documented Brian Bruney/K-Rod flap that nearly resulted in a good-old-fashioned donnybrook during BP Sunday. I completely agree with everything Brian Bruney said. K-Rod is an asshole who celebrates every save as if he just closed out the seventh game of the World Series by striking out the clean-up hitter with the tying run on third. He needs to tone his act down or have it toned down for him.

That said, Bruney was out of line. He offered up his opinion completely unprovoked after his rehab appearance in Trenton. Right or wrong, there was no need for him to say it. By the time he made it back to the Stadium, it was a big story, as it proceeded from Mike Ashmore to Pete Abraham and mushroomed from there. K-Rod claimed he didn't even know who Bruney was. The media got more fodder from both post-game. Then, K-Rod, who must have figured out who Bruney was overnight, had some choice in-your-face words for him during batting practice Sunday. Which in turn, kind of proved Bruney's point that K-Rod's a bit of a hot-headed prima donna.

Got all that? Let's hope this week is a little more uneventful. With any luck, the guys didn't spend their off night watching Monday Night Raw and coming up with ideas for this week's battles.

That's An Odd Way Of Not Caring

This morning Craig from Shysterball/Circling The Bases brought forward a quote a quote K-Rod gave last year, which would seem to contradict the his motives for confronting Brain Bruney in the outfield during BP on Sunday:

"The only thing I have to worry about is getting the job done, and I don't have to worry about anyone else."

However, Rodriguez acknowledged he's heard grumbling over his career.

"All the time. I don't care. Why would I care about that? I only care about my job," he said. "I'm not changing it. I don't care what people say. That's my way. People can say I'm arrogant, a (jerk), anything they want to say. But me, I'm going to live my world. I don't care what people think or say."

The type of person who celebrates wildly after converting three outs before giving up three runs isn't likely to be the type who brushes off comments from opposing players about doing so. In fact, earlier in that article, he drops a hint as to why criticism from someone like Bruney might have pissed him off:

I don't hear any complaints from veteran hitters, superstars... I'm going to hear from a bench player?

Yes, that's exactly who you are going to hear it from. A guy like Bruney who would probably kill to be good enough to be paid tens of millions of dollars per year and be heralded as one of the best closers in the game. He is the perfect example of someone who is going to resent K-Rod for his displays. Hence, he is going to resent the fact that K-Rod goes off after converting a save, something Bruney would never do.

Mariano Rivera, on the other hand, can expose K-Rod for the attention slut that he is by simply walking off the mound after converting a save. He would never be on either side of a frivolous "story" like this. If anything, the little tiff between these two should make you appreciate Rivera and the way he conducts himself even more.

Jim Baumbach Needs To Work On His Columns

That is the title of a column written by Newsday's Jim Baumbach. With Bruney poised to return from the DL shortly, perhaps you would interpret that to mean that he literally needs to work on his pitching motion, which he probably does. It does not.

Bruney needs to work on his delivery
Jim Baumbach
10:13 PM EDT, June 14, 2009

The funniest part about that quote, of course, is that Brian Bruney started this war with Francisco Rodriguez by doing the exact opposite.

What quote, Jim? It's the first sentence of the article and I'm already lost. Do you mean the headline? Because that's neither a "quote", nor "funny". What would be the "exact opposite" of working on one's delivery? Was Bruney was practicing his receiving?

So while Bruney respects the Mets closer for going shoulder to shoulder with him in the outfield during batting practice and yelling at him, perhaps the real question here is this:

Does Brian Bruney respect Brian Bruney?

What is/are the other question(s) you are alluding to which necessitate you to refer to your question as the "real" one? My question is actually this: Why did you insist on typing out Brian Bruney the second time instead of just saying "himself"?

Whether you agree with Bruney that K-Rod's celebrations are "embarrassing" and a "tired act," as Bruney told reporters after his rehab appearance in Trenton on Saturday, is not the point. The fact remains, Bruney's verbal attack was completely unprovoked and downright unnecessary.

I agree with this in principle, but I never heard such faux media outrage when other players were attacking Joba's fistpumping. Joba was destroying the integrity of the game with his unsportsmanlike showmanship, but any commentary on K-Rod's histrionics are "downright unnecessary"?

Hey, I'm all for a war of words through the media, because let's face it, on this topic, I'm 100 percent biased. If a Yankee wants to rip another Met, or vice versa, I have my recorder ready.

We know, Jim. You are ready to mail in a half-assed column on a "war of words" in a tenth of a second, because it keeps you from having to write about anything insightful. And I'm more than willing to do a line by line critique of it because it's easier than coming up with original material, so we are on the same side.

But you always must look at the person who's doing the criticizing, and take that into consideration, as well. If Mariano Rivera, Dennis Eckersley or, heck, John Franco, even, said those same words, then wow!

Way to undermine the importance of your entire article.

But Bruney? Try staying off the disabled list for 62 straight days before you start questioning the on-field behavior of the guy who set the major-league single-season record with 62 saves.

If you didn't rely entirely on a trite numeric device, you would have a point here. Bruney avoided the DL for well over 62 straight days in 2007. That's not really saying much, aside from the fact that Baumbach's original 62 days/62 saves set up was lazy and stupid.

At least he realized he made a mistake, admitted as much after Sunday's game and also didn't escalate matters when K-Rod went after him during batting practice.

For those keeping score at home, this is the 8th paragraph of the column and none have been over two sentences long.

Should Rodriguez have simply responded, "Who's Brian Bruney?" and leave it at that? You can make that case, sure. But I don't have a problem with him going on the offensive.

Let me see if I understand you correctly, Jim. Brian Bruney's verbal attack (which you didn't disagree with) was unnecessary, but K-Rod excaserbating the situation by actually confronting him in the outfield over it and having to be physically restrained by a teammate, that you agree with? Gotcha.

From the video, Rodriguez clearly let Bruney have it - verbally, not physically - before being ushered away by teammate Mike Pelfrey.

And Bruney, to his credit, stood there and accepted it, rather than open his mouth and say something else stupid. "He had some things he had to say," Bruney said, "and I'll leave it at that."

Please watch the video again, Jim. Bruney did not just stand there an accept it. Words were exchanged from both sides.

Hours later, both players said their tiff was over, and rightfully so.

This is over when Jim Baumbach says it's over.

As Mets infielder Alex Cora correctly pointed out, it's not like either pitcher will get a chance to drill the other with a pitch.

"They're two relievers," Cora said. "What are they going to do?"

Yell at each other in the outfield during BP?

After the first installment of Subway Series games, we've learned a few things about these teams. Luis Castillo should use two hands on pop-ups. The Yankees can't hit unknowns but do just fine against Cy Young Award winners. And Bruney really should start thinking before he talks.

We've learned a few things by reading this column. Any complaints about K-Rod's spastic victory celebrations are "downright unnecessary". Jim Baumbach looks forward to writing about trival bullshit.

And he loves one sentence paragraphs.

Remember, this is a guy who Saturday admitted he was lying when he told his bosses earlier this year his elbow felt good.

That doesn't indicate that he wasn't thinking before he spoke.

Admirable? Please.

Group these two one-words sentences into another paragraph? Please.

Days later, he was back on the DL and the Yankees were without their eighth-inning pitcher.

AHHHHHH! Maybe that was why he didn't want to tell them him elbow hurt in the first place, you dick. If he had told them eariler, they would have lost their eighth inning pitcher even sooner.

As K-Rod went looking for Bruney Sunday, he was asking teammates: "Is that him? Is that him?" Their one-sided chat lasted no more than a few seconds, and Bruney came away impressed.

"I heard he's a good dude," Bruney said. "I'm sure he is. It wasn't anything personal."

Okay, what? He "came away impressed" from K-Rod verbally assaulting him in the outfield?

Nothing personal? Ha! The question posed to Bruney was about the crazy end to Friday night's game, and he responded by offering this gem: "Couldn't have happened to a better guy on the mound, either. He's got a tired act."

Hmmm, I think you might have wanted to introduce the quote that sparked this entire feud a little earlier in the story, no?

Sunday, Bruney saw the Hunterdon County Democrat reporter who asked that question, and sarcastically thanked him for creating the stir.

Later, he turned his ire to the reporters surrounding him.

"I think it is ridiculous," Bruney said, "that this is a big story."

Joke's on us, I guess, for lending any credibility to his words.

Yes. Yes it is Jim. But thank you for acknowledging as much at the very end of your 600 word column which ran after the entire scenario had already played out.

Papeljerk

For the record, I don't approve of Joba's fist pumping (which he has cut back on significantly since he's become a starter), but I think he gets unfairly singled out for doing it. Guys like Papelbon, K-Rod and even fucking Eddie Guardado bust out histrionics way beyond what Joba does, and no one really seems to mind.

Did you see this, Aubrey Huff? Are you anxiously awaiting the slim possibility that you hit a homer off of Papelbon, so you can pump your fist and show him up like the vindictive ex-girlfriend your name would lead me to believe you are? What better way to prove that fist pumping is a bush league manuver than to do it yourself... However, I'm guessing the answer to the second question is "No".

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And for just for good measure:

Second Opinion...

(h/t Frank)

Jonathan Papelbon Lives 3,000 Feet Under The Sea

I actually find the Scaly Dragonfish significantly less revolting.

Or is he one degree from Kevin Bacon?