It's Okay Guys, Let It Out

Check Out This M_____f____r [Creep Of The Week]

It really came down to the wire, and I know that it is technically "next week", but this guy really took [Creep Of The Week] by the horns. Yes, that's him there in the Santonio Holmes jersey.

And the capri sweatpants...

This asshole was calling for the Steelers to challenge Santonio Holmes' near touchdown in the first quarter, and I'm like "WHY??!?!" You have four tries to punch the ball in from the six-fucking-inch line". Of course, the challenge totally backfired and they ruled the play an incomplete pass, at which point, my compatriots and I enjoyed a hearty guffaw.

He was walking around the bar chanting "Let's go Steelers (clap, clap, clap clap clap)" when Willis McGahee was on the ground with a huge crowd gathered around him, which NEVER happens in a football game unless someone is seriously fucked up. After the vicious hit Ryan Clark laid on him, McGahee was splayed on the field, vacillating between twitching spasmodically and laying totally motionless. It was eerie to every person in Bourbon Street except this incomprehensible piece of shit.

We actually watched the game with some Italian kids we met the night before named Ricardo, Ricardo and Eduardo (did I mention I'm not gay?), and fulfilled our offer to extol the virtues of American Football to them. They couldn't understand why there were so many commercials, but were thoroughly impressed by the ridiculous brutality of the "match", as they continued to call it.

When we walked into McAleer's Pub, our waitress asked how we were doing, to which I responded "Not as good as you..."


Nothing prettier than snow in the city.


Good night, great weekend.

Oh No He DIT-ENT

There is just too much comic gold in this picture to pass up. This was taken shortly after Akers sent a kickoff out of bounds. Andy Reid is clearly livid, the little guy absolutely can't believe what Andy just said, and the dude between them looks like he just pulled up to a urinal at a Thruway rest stop.

(The reflection on Andy Reid's head is my faggy lampshade, and I'm not about to go through this process again)

Aaaaand Akers misses an extra point! Charming. No footage of sideline confrontations, however.

Jeff Feagles would have never let this happen.


LACES OUT, DAN!

Usually Transvestites Are More Convincing

Welcome to the internet buddy.

That's A Long Way To Go For A Rodney Dangerfield Reference

I know I said I wasn't going to watch this game, and I'd rather it ends in a nuclear holocaust so there is no Super Bowl. But I am watching it, and I'm at my computer, so...


You get no respect because your team went 8-8 in the regular season and was 3-7 outside their awful division.

Not sure how a person could think they would get away with this...

Regardless, Larry Fitzgerald is the fucking man.

Go Giants!

"Look At It Dave": A Photo Retrspective [The Fack Youk Experience]

In case you missed this post, we got tickets to the Knicks game last night through www.scalpers.com, er, I mean... StubHub. They weren't that expensive but I still hate StubHub with a passion. They charged us a $36 fee because it was within a certain amount of time before the game began. That is pretty ballsy. I can't imagine why it would cost you more to give me a ticket at one time as opposed to another. You're just being dicks about it. That's the same pricing system the airlines used, and see where that got them? That horrible site led to the extinction of truly cheap tickets, but no one really seems to care. Fuck you StubHub. Fuck you over a rusty park bench.

Anyway, I'm roughly 103% certain that the charges against Eddie Curry are false. Stuff like this always is. We've heard this one a million times, highly paid but underachieving athlete is sued by a personal employee for making homosexual advances. No? Okay, but his driver seems like a bit of a nut job and an anonymous commenter said he knew him and that he's a weirdo (INFALLIBLE!). That doesn't make this any less funny, to us anyway...

We made a two part sign. One (decoy) that said "Lets Go Knicks", and one taped (via a duct tape "hinge" of sorts) underneath that said "Look At It, Dave" and in the process became the oldest people to ever carry a sign to an NBA game without a child in their presence.

Phase One:

Phase Two:Nothing more bad-ass than a Sunday River face warmer.

What we failed to realize during the 25 minute half-drunken flurry that resulted in obtaining the necessary supplies and creating this abortion of an artistic work, is that you can't see fucking orange marker from across a semi-dark arena. We had a friend of a friend sitting about four rows back from the court and told us the only words he could read were "Look" & "It".

We probably would have known this if we were the type of asshats who would actually bring a sign to a professional sporting event for a reason other than to make a joke that about 5% of the people at the game are going to get in the eight possible seconds we would have been on the jumbo-tron.

I was skeptical at first, but the "Knicks City Kids" are downright ridiculous (Terrible picture, sorry. Didn't want to be the creepy guy with the sign taking multiple pictures of 8 year olds). I'm pretty sure they chain them up in an abandoned subway car underneath Penn Station and allow them to do nothing other than practice dancing.

MSG is nice enough to give you a lid to help you avoid spilling your beer on other people on your way back to your seat. It's a nice thought. However, they fill the beers up to the very brim and when you walk, it makes the keg swill inside foam up, thereby creating a constant flow of suds through the straw hole. And when you try to take the lid off, it creates some soft of a vortex, causing you to spill more beer.

I'm guessing the total amount of beer spilled has been reduced by the introduction of the lid, but there is absolutely no way to get from the concession stand to your seat with one, much less two beers without your hands and the side of the cup being covered in shitty light beer.

The Knicks City Dancers' routine included a riveting crescendo where they went through about eight sexual positions in four seconds. It was resplendent, I tell you.

What? I'm Trey Anastasio, lead guitarist of the band Phish, shut up. Does that give me more credibility when I try to talk about music?

[Ed. Note: That terrible photoshop took me like 25 minutes and that "joke" got less funny by the second. I spent so much time on it, I still feel compelled to include it though. I really need to figure out how to use Gimp.]

I took this picture so I would remember the final score.

Oh, about the actual game...

We sat next to some chill kids from Philly, who if they are reading this, probably don't think it's funny because they've heard all the punchlines already.

The Knicks actually were within 1 point (or 3 maybe, I don't remember or care) but it got pretty exciting in the fourth quarter. Danilo Galinari drained a three (in his first game back) and Al Harrington made a few as well in a really awesome, signature SSOL(F?) shootout. Andre Iguodala had super sick dunk that I'm sure made the Top Ten on SportsCenter. One of the guards on Philly (not exactly in research mode at the moment) had a silly juke which should have been up there as well, but probably wasn't.

The penultimate moment of the night, that sort of summed up the whole experience, was when Nate Robinson got free on a breakaway. Every single person not in a wheelchair was on their feet, about to have a sportsgasm and he fucking finished it like John Stockton. I wanted to cry. YOU WON THE SLAM DUNK CONTEST YOU AMAZING LITTLE MAN. DUNK FOR ME!

See what I did there? Someone on 35th & Madison is going to be very confused for about 2/3 of a second.

Justin Tuck For D-Coordinator

I'm only half kidding. Have you ever heard this guy talk about football? He says all the right things, works incredibly hard and is never satisfied. He was also at the Knicks game last night that we are about to do a photo retrospective about, and if we weren't in the 200 level I would have ran on the floor when they interviewed him at halftime and hugged him.

I was watching "Inside The NFL" the week after the Steelers' game and he said the following on the sidelines (the only reason I still have this is because I transcribed it and emailed it in to the Max Kellerman show but they never read it on the air... fuck them):

Before the game:

• "Everybody saying, you know, 5-1, Roethlisberger vs. Eli. You know what? F____ the quarterbacks. That ain't what's gonna win this football game."

And right before right before the drive when they got the safety, he said"

• "I just heard their snapper is out. James Harrison is their back up snapper... Let's make them punt the ball right out huurrr!"

Prescient on both counts!

Your move, Jerry Reese.

"Get This Idea Will Just Had" [The Fack Youk Experience]

Clifton: you going to the knicks game tonight?

11:26 AM me (Jay): probably

get this idea just Will had:

we are gonna make a sign that says...

take a guess

Clifton: i was going to say you should make a sign

haha

what?

me: GUESS

11:27 AM Clifton: fack youk and something about curry

me: close, we didn't even think about the fack youk part

"Look At It, Dave"

Clifton: hahaha

11:28 AM me: probably scroll www.fackyou.blogspot.com on the bottom except spell it right

Clifton: they probably aren't going to let you in with thatme: ahhh yes, but here's the genius part

we are going to make two signs and tape them together, with the one on the outside saying something hokey and gay like "Let's Go Knicks" with a basketball or something

11:29 AM Clifton: thats awesome

me: and then bust out "Look At It, Dave" in like the 2nd quarter and see how long it takes to get kicked out by the MSG gestapo

Clifton: that is outstanding

me: we might get some publicity, and it's sort of fucking hilarious

Clifton: there must be a blog post about the experience

11:30 AM me: there will be a preliminary post and a follow up probably

11:31 AM Clifton: good stuff

11:32 AM me: i may or may not just rip this GChat and post it directly on the blog

Clifton: that is not a bad idea either

It Was Only A Matter Of Time [Breaking News]

Spags to the Rams.

Still sucks.

Gruden Out in Tampa Bay [Breaking News]

Indeed, Jon.

According to NFL Network's Adam Schefter, Jon Gruden has been fired as Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Wow. This offseason must have set a record for the amount of revolutions of the Coaching Carousel.

Gruden was victimized by Defensive Coordinator Monte Kiffin's decision to leave for the University of Tennessee to join his son Lane. He led the Bucs to the Super Bowl in 2002, but was 45-51 with two playoff losses since. Bad timing to be fired due to the fact that many vacancies have been filled.

Spags to Tampa? "Chucky" to the Jets?

Wilpon: Money Ain't A Thang

Rob Neyer quotes Will Leitch in more depth than I'm about to, but here's what Will's blog post for the New Yorker boils down to:

The Yankees are opening a new stadium and, as a result, changing the economic infrastructure of baseball with their spending. The Mets are opening a new stadium and are being outbid for their target free agents. Bernie Madoff might not to be blame. But something must be.

I'm sure there is some feeling of impending doom when the future $400M sponsor of their new digs is depending on a $20B fix from Uncle Sam. But the Mets have the same built-in advantages, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent, that the Yankees do. They are moving into a brand new ballpark, they play in a gigantic market and have public transportation piping fans right into said park. They have a share in a major regional sports network and are owned by a family whose wealth stretches far beyond their baseball team-related holdings. The $300M Fred Wilpon lost in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme really had no effect on their offseason spending? None? Really?

Yes, they acquired K-Rod and J.J. Putz to shore up their porous bullpen. Excellent work. But both Leitch and Neyer point to a distinct lack of starting rotation depth. Let's start from the top:

1. Johan Santana - Awesome.
2. Mike Pelfrey - Great last year, but threw 50 more innings than the year before. As Neyer points out, has an alarmingly low strikeout rate.
3. John Maine - Good when healthy but had shoulder problems at the end of last year and has never thrown more than 191 innings in a single season.
4. Tim Redding? - Don't look at his (NL!) numbers if you've eaten recently. And no, I don't think he sucks because of the one inning of six run ball he "pitched" for the Yanks in 2005.
5. ????
6. Ron Darling

Were they waiting for the guy to change his name to Derek Lowez? Derek Lowe would have been a terrific stabilizing presence in the middle of their rotation. For similar money, they still could probably sign Oliver Perez who, like basically every other free agent this offseason is looking at potential deals far smaller than he expected. But Perez is the model of inconsistency, while Lowe is the exact opposite.

Perez gives up fly balls and walks while Lowe gives up neither. You can count on Lowe to put together a competent start almost every time he takes the mound, where Perez is bound to have a 5 walk, seven earned run shitshow where he gets pulled in the 2nd inning once in a while, like this one. Lowe only had 3 games where he went fewer than 4 innings last year and one was in his last appearance of the season when he had yet to give up a run.

The Mets' corner OF spots are occupied by Ryan Church, who is a pretty big question mark coming off his concussion shortened season last year, and Fernando Tatis/Nick Evans/Daniel Murphy? I would probably avoid Manny since they are in the NL, but Adam Dunn and Bobby Abreu are pretty nice fits at the prices they are going to end up at, despite their marginal fielding.

If I'm a Mets fan, I don't know who I hate more: Bernie Madoff for stealing Fred Wilpon's money or Wilpon for saying that losing $300M doesn't matter, then not taking the necessary steps to improve the team after two Hindenburg-ian late season meltdowns. All I know is that Bernie Madoff didn't just steal the Wilpon's money, he stole Derek Lowez, Adam Dunnito and their graphic design budget.

LoHud Of The Rings

Arranged in a clandestine meeting of the blogsmen early this morning, we have been granted the privilege by Wailin' Suzyn of IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS... caught to show their their groundbreaking Yankeeography "Peter Abraham: LoHud Of The Rings." This masterpiece chronicles the beat writer's ascent through the hellish environments of UMass Amherst and the Mets' beat via the use of his Thesaurus to the top of the sports world... covering the Yankees. Truly epic.



Be sure to check out their blog. It's satirical, snarky and irreverent, which means if you're reading this, it's probably right up your alley.

Here is an example, based on our (least) favorite Red Sock.

ESPN Widget Headlines Compelling, Current

Sorry for the poor quality, but here is the story they are linking to. The time stamp is from three days ago. ESPN, you're making newspapers look up-to-the-second.