OMG OMG OMG OMG... Is Derek Jeter... ENGAGED...?!?!

Here's something to counterbalance the overt nerdiness in the last post...

Are Jeter an Minka Kelly going to get married after this season?!?!?!?111?!?1

Derek and Minka are secretly engaged," an insider told Page Six. The Yankee captain and the actress are telling close pals to "save the date" for nuptials in the fall. "The wedding is being planned and will take place after baseball season is over," said our source. A rep for Kelly said, "There is no fall wedding planned to Derek Jeter."

Well, that kind of sounds like a "no", but it's an awfully specific denial, don't you think? The kind where they could easily point to it afterwards and say, we didn't lie, it was a "ceremony". Or if it takes place in the Southern Hemisphere they could deny that it was during the fall. Page Six also breathlessly points out that Kelly denied that they were even dating when they were spotted together last year. Apparently she hasn't been spotted with a ring?

I've talked to several people sources this morning who thought Jeter might never get married and just continue to pluck women out of the top .000001% of society, like Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Gabrielle Union, Mariah Carey (before she went insane), and the other assorted women you've never heard of but are probably incomprehensibly hot, for the rest of his life. But the guy is 35 and is dating perhaps the most beautiful woman possible. Maybe he's thinking about starting a family and doesn't want to wait too long. He is building a gigantic new house, you know...

Sidenote: During the course of "researching" this post, I came across this slide show on the Post's website. Take a look. One would assume that since Minka Kelly plays a high school cheerleader on TV and Kate Hudson has been in romantic comedies for what seems like 10 years that they'd be fairly far apart in age. One would be wrong. Kelly is 29 and only a year younger than Hudson. Who knew?

Disclaimer: Fack Youk apologizes for the trashy, tabloid nature of this post, but we haven't used the "attractive females" tag since the beginning of May we were risking the loss of our status as a sports blog. And we'll probably get some pageviews from Google searches. We hope you understand.

Being A-Rod > Being Jeremy Guthrie

I'm usually all over crowd-related Yankees screengrabbery, however I must turn to two good friends of the blog for this one: The Sports Hernia and New Stadium Insider. 

Exhibit A: A supremely hot blonde wearing a tight pinstriped tank top skips down the steps right behind the dugout to get a glance at A-Rod after his home run. She then has an obvious eyegasm upon first sight. 

Exhibit B: Jeremy Guthrie has a woman in the stands creepily miminc every portion of his pre-game warm-up routine.

Youk The Fluke

Thank you, NBC Sports.

In our debut of "The Show," Gregg Rosenthal says there is no way that Red Sox slugger Kevin Youkilis will match his power numbers of last season.

Guess which one is Greg Rosenthal:

Are you ready for the hard hitting analysis from the "The Show"?

"I hate to say it, but the guy who I think might regress the most. A member of the Tribe! And a member of my favorite team! Kevin Youkilis. Twenty-nine home runs last year, but he's not really a power guy, I mean, he might lead the league in sweating through his helmet, but he's not going to lead the league in home runs. I would stay away from Youkilis."

"A member of The Tribe"? I hope he doesn't mean the Indians.

He didn't lead the league in home runs last year, so it would be pretty foolish to draft him expecting that this year. "He's not a power guy"? What are you basing this on, Greg? Oh... you're not going to provide any reasons? Allow me:

Those are some pretty serious spikes in power for a 29 year old without changing leagues or teams. One would imagine he is due for a regression to the mean.

Hope you're right, Rosenthal.

A Little Something To Hold You Over...

... while I finish up the Billy Martin Countdown piece.

Via the NYPost, It appears as though out favorite tainted slugger has a unique way of preparing to tell the world he used steroids. That would be making out with one of three smoking hot women at the nightclub ajacent to the casino in the Atlantis. Sampson and I have a rather ridiculous story about our encounters with a Sheik from Saudi Arabia, three girls from Texas and Ice T, that took place in the same club when we were 18 and cashing in our graduation presents, but I won't bore you with that...

He showed up the Aura Club with the aforementioned brunette and - just to balance things out - a red-hot blonde. "The girls said they had come down with A-Rod from the US," said an eyewitness. "They were dancing in front of him and even kissing each other to entertain him. He seemed to like the brunette more." When he wasn't playing with his lady friends, A-Rod knocked back Grey Goose vodka as the music blasted.

>8

...he, the brunette and the blonde "all left the club together," the eyewitness said.

Fine work sir. All I can say is "it's about fucking time" (no pun intended). Does this mean he's no longer with Madonna?

/crosses fingers

Baseball Is Your Pal, Football Is Your Gal

Early in the history of this blog, we established a tradition based on a quote from the 1st Earl of Beaconsfield, Benjamin Disraeli, who once said, "It is easier to be critical than right." It's relatively easy to eviscerate some one's stupid ideas. It's much more difficult to come up with original thoughts of your own.

Unlike Richard Justice stupidly contended, Baseball isn't better than football, nor is the inverse true. They are about as far apart as two sports can be, besides maybe golf and rugby. Just based on the duration of the season, I would consider myself more of a baseball fan right now, but I've been a die hard Giants fan since I was five or six years old.

One of my earliest memories is of the drive back upstate with my father from Giants Stadium after the GMen beat the Lions to improve to 11-0 back in 1990. My dad would rattle off uniform numbers, and I would respond with the corresponding player. "27 - Rodney Hampton, 85 - Stephen Baker "The Touchdown Maker", 56 - Lawrence Taylor, 70 - Leonard Marshall, 58 - Carl Banks, 11 - Phil Sims, 55 - Gary Reasons, 30 - Dave Meggett, 82 - Mark Ingram, 89 - Mark Bavaro, 76 - Jumbo Elliot". I probably watched Giants Among Men, and True Blue 50 times each.

We had a Super Bowl party that year and I can still remember Scott Norwood's kick sailing wide right and getting lost in the celebration in our family room. Conversely, when the Yanks won in 1996, my dad was away in Taiwan for business and I watched Charlie Hayes catch that pop-up by myself.

George Carlin of course has the seminal work in contrasting the two sports, and Joe Posnanski recently drilled further down into the differences in language between them, but I have a take that I haven't heard anywhere else.

It took me about a week after the Giants lost this year to realize it, but to me, baseball is like a good friend and football is like a girlfriend. After they were ousted I wore my blue and red Giants winter hat for three straight days and listened to Ben Folds on the walk to work. It was odd and pathetic sort of melancholy, almost like I got dumped.

Football is emotional, passionate and physical. Although baseball has the go-to sexual metaphor (rounding the bases), to me, "driving down the field","crossing the goal line", "settling for a field goal" or "having to punt" make more sense.

Brandon Jacobs running over LaRon Landry in the first quarter of Week 1 against the Redskins gave me a far greater sense of satisfaction than A-Rod hitting a home run against the Orioles in the second inning of a game in April ever could. Likewise, intimacy with a significant other can grant you satisfaction in a way a friend just can't. In football, the highs are higher and the lows are lower.

You hang out with baseball all summer long. On any given night, you can take it or leave it because you know it's going to be around the next day. Blow off football and you've gotta wait an entire week for the next game.

You don't put that much stock into every single baseball game. You don't analyze everything your friend says either, unlike how your lady picks apart the nuance in every word you use. The Yanks could roll into Kansas City next May, line up CC Sabathia against Brain Bannister and lose and still take the series. If your football team lays an egg against a team they should beat, it is literally 10 times more significant to their record.

Looking back at my Giants vs. Yankees posts, the former tend to be more fiery, and my "Fuck" To Other Word Ratio (FTOWR) is quite high. My stuff about the Yankees is more statistically grounded, objective and decidedly lacking in vitriol. Although, if Robinson Cano had done what Plaxico Burress did and Joba Chamberlain said what Brandon Jacobs said, that might not be the case.

And no, that's not my girlfriend. I would never date a girl with a tramp stamp! (It's this comely lass)

Please Be True, Please Be True...

First saw this via River Ave. Blues yesterday...

According to reports, A-Rod and Kate [Hudson] enjoyed a 3-hour meal last week at Lure Fishbar in NYC with friends and were seen getting very cozy. Spies at Page Six confirmed that after dinner, they went to Rose Bar together where they met up with Kate's friend Ron Burkle.

I know almost nothing about Kate Hudson, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here: There is no way she is anywhere near as crazy as Madonna (don't click it...). The fact that A-Rod is dating a woman who is slightly younger than him and attractive is a cosmic step forward. He could still use a few pointers from the guy on his defensive left...

But I think we can agree that this is a whole lot better than him succumbing to a washed up, veiny diva who wanted nothing more than to enlighten his soul via Kabbalah. The last thing we need is for A-Rod to have more things running around in his fragile, frosted-tipped head.

When do pitchers and catchers report?

[UPDATE 5:15PM] Awwwwwww. Already? Should have known, Ms. Hudson neither strips, nor benches 200.

I'm Calling BS [Non-Sports]

Apparently this little lady is auctioning off her virginity for $3.7M. I submitted a counter offer earlier today of "a dinner at Planet Sushi and a complimentary cab to the airport" but I haven't heard back.

Miss Dylan, from San Diego, California, USA, said she was persuaded to offer herself to the highest bidder after her sister Avia, 23, paid for her own degree after working as a prostitute for three weeks.

She said she had had a lot of attention from a wide range of men, including "weirdos", "those who get really graphically sexual about what they want to do to me" and "lots of polite requests from rich businessmen".

"Weirdos", huh? You don't say... (gasps) I would guess only the most normal of people would be looking to spend an actual fortune for about a half hour with you just because you claim to have never had sex before!

Miss Dylan said she did not think it was particularly significant to be willing
to sell your virginity and insisted that she was happy to undergo medical tests
for any doubters.

Not "particularly significant"? $2.5 MILLION BRITISH POUNDS IS SIGNIFICANT. You make Indecent Proposal seem like a bargian.

I know there are people out there with a lot more money than I have ($273.43 - it was an expensive weekend), but why on God's green earth would anyone pay that much to have sex with someone one time? I honestly don't believe her.

In light of this story, Fack Youk contributor Big Willie Style is also auctioning off one night of paradise with him. Only sexy ladies need apply. The bidding will start at 10,000 internet dollars.

Sports Bigamy Alert!

Not too long ago, Kedra was palling around with Shawne Merriman and living at the Playboy Mansion. Now Hef has an open stall in his stable, and Kendra is getting married to Hank Baskett.

I know everyone has their own preferences, but if you like Chargers Kendra better, you are nuts.