Signing an Autograph Is Not a Charitable Act

Good morning Fackers. It's Monday morning, so you're likely grumpy, as am I. But you know who's really in a bad mood? Alex Rios.

After going 0 for 5 with 5 Ks in last Thursday's matinee, taking the rarely seen platinum sombrero for the second time in his career, Rios headed out for a night on the town at a team sponsored charity function. Let's go to the videotape, which features some NSFW language:



Wow. You stay classy there Alex Rios. I believe the locals would say that you are a hoser. Rios is not performing too well this year and I have him on both my fantasy teams. I don't know if I can tolerate this type of behavior from one of my players. If you're going to play for The Boozehounds or A-Rod's Bitch Tits you have to carry yourself like a professional both on and off the field.

I'd also like the record to show that I departed Toronto Tuesday; so I was in no way a party to this. Schiff on the other hand may have something to add.

Youk The Fluke

Thank you, NBC Sports.

In our debut of "The Show," Gregg Rosenthal says there is no way that Red Sox slugger Kevin Youkilis will match his power numbers of last season.

Guess which one is Greg Rosenthal:

Are you ready for the hard hitting analysis from the "The Show"?

"I hate to say it, but the guy who I think might regress the most. A member of the Tribe! And a member of my favorite team! Kevin Youkilis. Twenty-nine home runs last year, but he's not really a power guy, I mean, he might lead the league in sweating through his helmet, but he's not going to lead the league in home runs. I would stay away from Youkilis."

"A member of The Tribe"? I hope he doesn't mean the Indians.

He didn't lead the league in home runs last year, so it would be pretty foolish to draft him expecting that this year. "He's not a power guy"? What are you basing this on, Greg? Oh... you're not going to provide any reasons? Allow me:

Those are some pretty serious spikes in power for a 29 year old without changing leagues or teams. One would imagine he is due for a regression to the mean.

Hope you're right, Rosenthal.

Fackin' Youk

So I had one of my two fantasy drafts last night. First round, I selected Ryan Braun with the #5 pick. Great, a Brewer... I strongly dislike the Brewers -- from the Selig connection, to all the hard miles they put on Sabathia, and their GM Doug Melvin bitching after he signed with the Yankees.

In the second round I picked Johan. I want to see Johan fail. Why? Because I'm a Yankees fan and if Johan fails, the Mets fail. Also, as an ardent Phil Hughes supporter, I want vindication and do not want the pressure of equating Johan on the young Mr. Hughes.

Third round, I took Prince Fielder to have the pleasure of manning my First Base. Great, another facking Brewer. Please refer to the aforementioned Braun commentary. Thankfully, this league does not count defensive statistics.

The Fourth Round came up. I could use a Third Baseman. With a good OPS. Who is available? Not Wright nor A-Rod nor Evan Longoria nor Brandon Phillips. Who else is available? This blog's Anti-Christ. Kevin fackin' Youkilis.

Did I pick him? If you guessed that I answered this question in the affihmative, you would be correct. Fackin' great. My most hated player is on my team. How much do I hate this guy? I write for a blog named "Fack Youk." I had the Greek/Jewish God of Walks on my team last year too (when I won the league!), so this is nothing new to me. Why did I pick him? Does this mean that I like him? Does this mean that I have to quit writing for "Fack Youk?" Fellas, please forgive me. I promise that I will not root for him.

Like my ownership of ProShares UltraShort S&P500 (ticker SDS) in which I benefit from Barack Obama operating the economy in a manner similar to how Chuck Knoblauch operated at Second Base, namely throwing everything away, I treat it as a hedge position. Why not benefit from his production? Why should he have to screw me twice by screwing the Yankees and my fantasy team when I play against him? Fackin' A, fackin' Youk is on my fackin' team again...

What is your worst fantasy conflict of interest story?