Asshats

In honor of the fact that Real Time with Bill Maher starts up again tomorrow night, I've got a New Rule:

New Rule: Team apparel can only be sold in team colors.

The above items are useful for exactly one day per year, which doesn't even fall during the baseball season. Have at it, Sox fans! Grab yourself a pair of those pajama pants, one of those hideous green shirts, and wave that "lucky" banner while you are jumping off the Prudential Center.

I'm not just picking on the Sox. Check out all of these acts against God:

If are wearing one of those right now, please ex-out of your browser and never read this blog again.

Are you a Mets fan but want to wear a Yankees hat for some odd fucking reason? Maybe you are a Yankees fan who just adores the combination of blue an orange. A lifelong David Cone/Doc Gooden/Darryl Strawberry fan?

No? Are you a straight gangsta from Oakland who ain't afraid to show some love for da Yanks? Or a colorblind nerd from New York attending Berkley?
Then you must like the Braves, Cubs or Pirates, and are dying to wear their colors on the hat of the most hated franchise in all of baseball, right?

Can someone please explain how buying a team's hat with another team's colors on it makes even one small bit of sense? Do you like both teams? Do you wear it only when the two teams play each other? What takes precedence, the logo or the colors?

Look, I understand the financial reasons a team has to bastardize their logo by sewing it onto a million different hats. More unique items translate into more sales. There are some very stupid people out there who probably want a Yankees hat to go with every outfit they own and are not ashamed to look like a complete and utter douchebag while doing it.

But here is a short message to those dummies and others who have bought branded merchandise in non-official team colors:

You are suckers.

At a certain point the following conversation happened somewhere in the MLB offices:

Executive: Our merchandise sales are stagnating, gentlemen. What can we do about it?

Sales guy #1: Well, we could make it cheaper, sir...

Executive: You're fired.

Sales guy #2: We could try to increase our global distrib-

Executive: Great idea! Just kidding, you're a moron. Next?

Sales guy #3: Well, we could make stuff in different colors...

Executive: Brilliant! We'll put out a never ending stream of new colors and some idiots are bound to buy them!

In closing: Don't be a sheep. If you don't like your team's official colors, don't buy the merchandise. If you are worried about the colors of your team's hat and whether or not they match with the rest of your clothing, rest assured that people will notice how ugly you are long before the fact that your hat clashes with your stupid jacket.

This Just In: Kobe Bryant Is A Dick

Last night around 1:00AM or so, I flipped on the end of the Lakers vs. Warriors game and there was about 2:20 left. I believe the Lakers were up by two when the following took place.

Kobe went it for a lay-up...


Clearly didn't get fouled...

But missed anyway...

And instead of attempting to get the rebound or play defense, he immediately started bitching right in the ref's face as soon as he saw that the ball didn't go in.

And continued waving his arms...

And looking back at the ref, despite the fact that it clearly wasn't a foul.

As he ran up the floor, he continuted to bitch and moan...

Until he committed this blatant foul (even though his team was leading at the time)...

And when he got called for it... you are never going to guess what happened!

He kept fucking complaining. Look at that freeze frame two pictures above. It couldn't have been a more obvious foul.

If you are going to bitch and moan like a fucking 12 year old girl your whole way up the court and then blatantly slap someone on the arm, you are going to get called for it. The refs knew you were pissed and you're lucky they didn't call it intentional. And you still whine about it.

Fuck you, Kobe. You are the reason people say basketball players are selfish prima donnas. You aren't exactly helping with the credibilty of the league's officiating, either.

So two or three possessions later, when the Lakers were already up by 6, Kobe drains this fadeaway...

And then shoots this look back across the court.

Congrats, Kobe. You were only 9-22 from the field and had just three rebounds, but you currently lead the league in Asshole Glares (AG) with 2,241. Keep up the meanacing sneers, fuckface, because you can't hold LeBron's jock.

Countdown To Opening Day: #45

For much of the 90's the number 45 was penciled into the Yankees' DH slot.

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Danilo Tartabull Mora originally came up as shortstop with the Royals. He only played 24 games in The Bigs at SS, and was quickly transitioned to a RF/DH. He had solid numbers with the Royals but nothing too impressive, especially for a corner OF/DH. Coming off a the best season of his career in 1991 (171OPS+), Tartabull became one of the five highest paid players in baseball when he signed a five year $25.5M deal with the Yankees.

He put up decent numbers when he was healthy, but Danny was plagued by injuries during his tenure, averaging only 122 games during the three full seasons he spent the Bronx before being traded to Oakland in 1995. He suffered from sprained wrists, pulled hamstrings, back spasms and bruised kidneys. Sound similar to another free agent acquisition to bear the #45? The Curse of Danny Tartabull(c) You heard it here first.

After he was traded to the A's for Ruben Sierra, Tartabull lashed out a George Steinbrenner for the comments The Boss has been making all season about him. Danny said:

If s a zoo there. No, I take that back; it's a joke. The sad part is that the only reason for that is the owner. He wants to be the center of attention so bad he just destroys that team. If s so hard for those guys to win because of that man. To win the division, you have to be twice as good as anyone else just to overcome all of the crap that goes on. The guys won't say it on the record, but they're just miserable there.

Some of that was probably warranted, but here's the kicker:

That team's going to be a disaster next year. You'll see. No one's going to want to play there.

See, you just change "disaster" to "dynasty" and "No one" to "Everyone" and that sentence makes perfect sense!

In one of the most fitting ends to a career possible, he retired seven games into the 1997 season after fouling a ball of his toe.



The Yanks acquired the ironically-named Cecil Fielder in 1996 by trading Ruben Sierra and Matt Drews to the Tigers. Fielder hit 13 HRs in 53 games to round out the regular season. On the way to the World Series, Big C hit .307 with 3HRs and 10RBIs. A portly chap, Fielder was almost exclusively a DH, appearing in only 17 games in the field in his two years with the Yankees, all at first base. Bill James once called Cecil, "a fat guy that hit a few home runs for a while."

In 1990 & 91, his first two full seasons as a pro, Fielder hit 51 then 44 HRs and finished second in the MVP voting to Rickey Henderson then Cal Ripken. His 1990 season was the first 50+HR in the American League since Mantle and Maris went at it in 1961. Big Daddy finished his career with 319 round-trippers and a line of .255/.345/.482.



Fielder left after the 1997 season and the Yankees acquired Charles Theodore "Chili" Davis to try and fill his shoes. Chili got his nickname from a bad haircut he cut when he was 12, growing up in Kingston, Jamaica. He injured his ankle in Spring Training in '98 and after playing in the first two games of the season, appeared in only 33 more coming down the stretch. He saw 27 ABs that postseason and drove in 7 runs.

He exclusively DH'ed during his time with the Yanks and wasn't particularly strong offensively, but is remembered fondly by most Yankee fans because his two years in the Bronx coincided with two World Series victories. When he retired, he had the third highest career HR total (350) as a switch hitter, behind only Mickey Mantle and Eddie Murray.

Jeter + A-Rod = "News"

Alex Rodriguez works out?!??!?! That must be how he got so strong and stuff...

Jeter supports A-Rod? That's the first I've heard of this.

Feb 3rd: NY Post - JETER: I SUPPORT A-ROD
Feb 4th: Newsday -Derek Jeter supports A-Rod
Feb 4th: ABC News - Jeter Reiterates A-Rod Has Teammates' Support
Feb 4th: MLB.com -Jeter reaffirms support of A-Rod
Feb 4th: FOX News: Jeter reiterates A-Rod has teammates' support

I'm only stopping because I'm sick of this, not because I ran out of links.


And here are the details of that "megadeal" in the third headline.

The Chicago Bulls and Sacramento Kings have reached tentative agreement on a trade sending Andres Nocioni, Drew Gooden, Michael Ruffin and Cedric Simmons to the Kings for Brad Miller and John Salmons, front-office sources said on Wednesday.

It involves six players, the most famous of whom is Brad Miller. SUPER-MEGA-EXTREME-BLOCKBUSTER(buster)(buster)(echo)!!!!!

Happy Trails, Derrick Ward

Via the NFP, Adam Schefter has learned that Derrick Ward switched agents.

Ward switched agents and hired Drew Rosenhaus, who is always busy at this time of year making deals.Ward clearly did not want a repeat of last offseason, when he was a free agent and wound up finding little interest, forcing him to re-sign with the Giants.Now that the Giants have tagged running back Brandon Jacobs, Ward wants Rosenhaus to find the market value and best deal for him.

It's been real, Derrick. I'm sorry that you broke your leg and couldn't really enjoy the Super Bowl victory. You were the go-to screen pass/dump off guy; a perfect compliment to the off-tackle bashings of the Juggernaut. Ahmad Bradshaw will have some pretty big shoes to fill, but I think the G-Men are going to be alright.

But you had to go with Drouche? Can you do me a favor? After you sign with your new team and you shake his hand, take an extra firm grip, pull him towards you... and knee him in the balls. Thanks.

Countdown To Opening Day: #46

Are Yankee fans racist? Maybe just a little bit?

Remember last year, when LaTroy Hawkins was continuously booed because he was sporting Paul O'Neill's #21? It probably didn't help that he gave up six runs in 2/3 of an inning in his second appearance in the Bronx, and had an ERA over 10.00 as late as his 10th outing. However, the 5 Yankees who donned #46 after Andy Pettitte left for Houston weren't that much better, but no one bothered to boo them and petition for Pettitte's number to be retired.

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Donovan Osborne was the first to pull on a #46 jersey after Pettitte left in 2003. On May 15th, 2004, Osbourne became the first Yankee since Babe Ruth to start a game for the Yanks after not starting a game for over 5 years. He gave up six runs in 5 innings and never appeared in another game for the Yankees. That year he pitched 17 2/3 innings gave up 14 home runs, and, um, sucked.

Next up was Darrell May. He was traded from the Padres to the Yankees in early July of 2005 and made his first appearance for the Yankees at the Stadium against the Indians on July 9th. May allowed 7ER in 4 1/3 IP and surrendered 3 HRs. His next outing was in Fenway Park and was equally atrocious. May came into to replace Tim Redding who was battered for 6 runs in the first inning, and gave up 6 more of his own in the followed 2 1/3. After giving up 13 earned runs in seven innings with the Bombers, George Steinbrenner had him shipped to an internment camp in Peru. May was never seen or heard from again.

Later that same year, Alan Embree was added to the Yankees after being released by the Red Sox. While with Boston, Embree gave up only two runs in 13 1/3 postseason innings, but was marginal during the regular season, with ERAs above 4. He arrived with an ERA of 7.88 and amazingly his ERA never rose to 8.00 or dropped below 7.00 while he was with the Yanks. He appeared in 14 1/3 innings over 24 games and gave up 12 ER. The Rockies signed Embree for $2.5M for the 2009 season. Good luck with that.

In 2006, Scott Erickson slipped on #46 for nine relief appearances in May and June. His 7.94ERA reflects the fact that he gave up 10 earned in 11 1/3. Like Darrell May, Erickson's last game with the Yankees game with the Red Sox, and he gave up 2 runs in 2/3 of an inning. He was sent to Uruguay.

In July of that year, a position player actually had the honor of donning Andy's numeral. The Yankees claimed Aaron Guiel off waivers from the Royals where he had spent parts of 5 seasons. He played only 4 complete games, but appeared in 44 for the Yanks and actually posted an OPS+ of 99 and popped four home runs.

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You are all racists. I rest my case.

Yankees Fan Stabbed, Shot

After years of being forced to wear diapers and walked around on a leash, a sixteen year old Yankees fan named Travis was stabbed several times by his 70 year old female captor (shown below) with a butcher knife, before being shot by police in Stamford, Connecticut at about 3:30PM yesterday.

Travis, an actor who once appeared in an Old Navy commercial with Morgan Fairchild, loved filet mignon, sipping fine wine, flowers, and surfing the internet, but kept a special place in his heart for the New York Yankees.

Some sources say that the recent developments with Alex Rodriguez and his foggy admissions to using performance enhancing drugs pushed the longtime fan over the edge. According to a neighbor he was "visibly and audibly outraged" after Alex failed to apologize to his teammates after his 38 second faux-dramatic pause during yesterday's press conference.

However, according to a friend, yesterday, the day of his rampage, Travis was informed that his Yankees weekend package had been moved to a 12 game weekday package despite his constant calls to the Yankees Ticket Office.

Calls to the Yankee Ticket Office and Alex Rodriguez were not returned.

Here is the chain of events leading up to the tragedy:

[The crazy old woman pictured above] gave him Xanax in tea to quiet him, but [Travis] grabbed the keys to open the kitchen door, went outside and started banging on car doors to indicate he wanted to go for a ride.

Just as [a friend] Nash arrived at the house and exited her vehicle, [Travis] went up to her, jumped on her and began biting and mauling her.

[The crazy lady] retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed [Travis] numerous times in an effort to save Nash, who was really being brutally attacked, and was forced to call the police.

(Here is the 911 call.)

Nash was so disfigured that a cop on the scene mistook her for a man, telling the dispatcher, "He's got no face."

The wounded Travis zeroed in on one cruiser, running to one side and trying to open a locked door. He quickly scooted to the other side, ripping off a side mirror while opening another door.

The trapped cop inside shot Travis several times in self-defense. The mortally wounded ape then staggered back into his house.

I'm angry about A-Rod too, Travis. Our Saturday package is probably going to get bumped and we won't even have anyone to put Xanax in our tea when it happens. It wasn't your time, man. It wasn't supposed to go down like this. Hopefully they've got a nice dry aged filet and a bottle of Mouton Rothschild waiting for you in The Big Jungle In The Sky.

R.I.P. Travis the Chimpanzee [1996-2008]

P.S. You probably shouldn't have bitten that woman's face off.

The Sphere Of Influence Widens

The mainstream media is just riding in our wake, friends. Consider yourselves ahead of the curve.

PeteAbe, I'm not going to lie. I'm a little disappointed in you. You were kind enough to link to us last Tuesday with the headline "The Many Faces Of Alex Rodriguez". Last night's entry? "The Many Expressions Of Alex Rodriguez" See? Totally different.

Maybe the editors of Metro NY read Pete's blog? (Sorry about the tiny pic, but this is the only one I could find. If you know how to get a better one, email me.)

And also the editors at AM New York?
And.... aww what the fuck?

Sound familiar? Cause my post yesterday was entitled "You Knew What You What You Were Doing".

I know this is just pointless bitching, but it makes me feel better about the fact that we do this for free and beat all of them to the punch. The advantage of writing online is that you don't have to wait to fire up the presses in the morning to get your story out; newspapers can't exactly live blog.

The downside is that although newspaper advertising is seeing it's reach decline by the second, online advertising is already a complete and total black hole. I enjoy the bounty and free spirit of the internets as much as anyone, but at a certain point, someone is going to have to monetize this mofo. But until some genius programmer and a few media companies combine forces and create an amalgamation of Google Reader and iTunes that charges a nominal fee for RSS feeds, this is all just fun and games (with some futile lamenting).

If someone rips off that idea, I demand a cut.



Update 10:00AM: Forgot to check this earlier, but here you go...

Welcome to the party, ESPN. It started last Monday.

Countdown To Opening Day: #47

[Joe and I are going to be running a tandem countdown format. He will focus his efforts on a notable baseball player from throughout the Major Leagues to wear that particular number, while I'm going to countdown via one or more not so notable Yankees, similar to the #14 post we did leading into Spring Training. There might not be one of each every single day, but we will try to ensure that there is at least one or the other.]

Shance Spencer, referred to as Roy Hobbs when Jeff Francoeur was still only 14, burst onto the scene during the Yankees illustrious 1998 season. In his first 67 at-bats in the Majors, Spencer famously lofted 10 home runs, three of them with the bags packed and drove in 27. Despite quickly coming back to earth, Spencer stuck around as a role player long enough to appear in four World Series.

In 2004 while he was supposed to be on a rehab assignment, he was arrested in Florida for driving 97MPH... while drunk. That same year, he and then teammate Karim Garcia were charged with assaulting a pizza delivery guy, but the charges were dropped. After all MLB teams passed on him, he played in Japan for two years, starting in 2005. He's currently a hitting coach for a Single A team in the Padres organization.


Bob Lemon was brought in to replace Billy Martin in 1978. He presided over the 14 game comeback to catch the Red Sox, the famous (or infamous, depending on where you are looking from) Bucky Dent game and the ensuing World Series Championship, wearing both #47 and #21 that season.


Ron "Suitcase" Villone has never spent more than two years in the same major league uniform. He threw 80 2/3 innings for the Yanks in 2006 to a 5.04ERA, then declined a salary arbitration offer from the Yankees that December. He made $2.5M in '06, but turned down the offer which would have almost certainly earned him raise. Ron went unsigned and came back to the Yanks on a minor league deal, costing him roughly $2M. He didn't make the team out of Spring Training in '07 but was called up in May and threw 42 1/3 innings to a better than league average ERA. I know this may cause a stampede, but he's currently a free agent. Notice his highly intimidating pitching sneer shown below.


Colter Bean, inspiration for the blog Free Colter Bean, holds the record for appearances for the Columbus Clippers with 212. A dubious distinction indeed, Bean will remembered not for his 7 major league innings and seven earned runs to match, but for his AAAA status and the fact his talent never carried over into the majors.


Last but not least... Sir Sidney Ponson. Rubber-armed and lard-gutted, Ponson was brought on for two separate stints with the Yanks in 2006 and 2008. In '06 he shat the bed to the tune of a 10.47ERA over 16 1/3 innings before being DFA'd.

Last year, after being released by Texas for his disorderly conduct despite sporting a 3.88ERA, he was snatched up by Brian Cashman on June 18th to help patch up the Yankees reeling rotation. He made his debut against the Mets on June 27th (the second half of the double header when Carlos Delgado suddenly stopped sucking) and went 6 innings without surrendering a run. It was pretty much all downhill from there. He ended up eating 80 innings for the Yankees (must... resist... fat... joke) but finished the season with a 5.85ERA in Pinstripes.

He is currently preparing to represent the Netherlands in the WBC by drinking his face off and assaulting respected public servants.

You Knew What You Were Doing

Alex, no one buys the notion that you put some street level Dominican steroids that you can't even remeber the name of (Boli, Bali, Bally's?) in your $252 million body. You know you just opened the door for Selena Roberts to find out which mystery cousin you are talking about, right? If that was a clever ploy to temporarily get her off your ass, nice work.

You keep falling back on being "naive", "young" and "stupid. No, you were "insecure", "greedy" and "calculated".

I know your PR Firm thought it would play better if you attributed the mistake to youthful indiscretion and naivete, but you were 25 years old, the best athlete in your sport, with a contract for hundreds of millions of dollars and Scott Boras as your agent.

It's more likely that you and Boras created a special laboratory to manufacture your own steroids, custom fit to your body chemistry, as opposed to getting some black market schwill from the DR.

I don't even care anymore, at least you admitted it. Make donations to charity, hit 40HRs, drive in 125 runs, win a World Series and we'll all move on with our lives. But just realize that I and almost every other objective observer know you are still lying about the important details.

A-Rod Press Conference Screen Grab Recap [Live-Blog]

1:25PM: Apparently there will be a doorbuster-style media entrance to the press conference because as of now, this is the best MLB.com could do.

1:39PM: Still just the studio B-team. They just said A-Rod was "projected" to answer questions from the media. They are running on empty in terms of material.

1:44PM: OMG, He's 14 mins late! Press conferences are never late! John Heyman said he's not going on until 1:48 because he arrived fashionably late to the facility. The man does know how to be the center of attention. They guys in studio are killing him for it.

1:49PM: It's A-Rod!!!!

1:51PM: According to Jason Zillo, just like the Peter Gammons interview, there will be no follow up questions

1:54PM: He will be donating to the Taylor Hooton Foundation, started for a football player who killed himself while he was on steroids. Excellent choice.

1:56PM: He's getting more specifc into his drug usage, but reading from a piece of paper. Who is his cousin?

1:59PM: "To my teammates..." (a ridiculously long "dramatic" pause with about 4 sips of water and 28 facial expressions) (lip quivers) "Thank you." How about "I'm sorry", asshole? That was fucking terrible.

2:02PM: He won't name his cousin. I don't know how many cousins he has, but that shouldn't be that difficult to find out...

2:05PM: God apparently has put him in this position. And he is here to help the kids.

2:07PM: It was "amatuer hour" and he "probably didn't even do it right". I think he was actually talking about the time he and his cousin made a plastic bong out of a Pepsi bottle and didn't inhale, though.

2:09PM: A-Rod says those 25 guys are a family and that this crisis will bring them together. He also said he owes them an apology... and then thanks them again. "I'm Sorry". It's not that hard.

2:14PM: Kat O'Brien of Newsday has a lisp and asked the question about the "loosey-goosey" atmosphere. Priceless.

2:16PM: Joel Sherman asked him why he would inject himself 36 times with something if he didn't know how it helped him or if he was doing it right. Not surprisingly, A-Rod's answer was less than complete.

2:18PM: He benched 310 in high school but only benches 240 now?

2:25PM: And that's that.

Jeremy Giambi Wasn't Available?

Billy Ripken in the house, fuck-faces.

(h/t SmartyBarrett)

A-Rod's presser is at 1:30, but coverage is already airing live on MLB.com.

Grandpa Selig Doesn't Like Your Tone, Smart Alec

Wallace Matthews of Newsday had the esteemed pleasure of conducting a lenghty telephone interview with the Bud Selig in which he once again assumes that baseball fans are a bunch of morons:

I don't want to hear the commissioner turned a blind eye to this or he didn't care about it. That annoys the you-know-what out of me. You bet I'm sensitive to the criticism. The reason I'm so frustrated is, if you look at our whole body of work, I think we've come farther than anyone ever dreamed possible.

Hey Bud, just because the sport has been successful over you tenure doesn't mean that you aren't responsible for tacitly allowing steroid use. So just because you've came "further than anyone ever dreamed possible", which is highly debatable, it means you shouldn't be questioned on some rather obvious mistakes you made?

Remember back in 1998, when the whole fucking sport was revitalized BECAUSE of steroid use? Take a look around at the economy, I don't hear financial CEOs saying "Look at where we took the economy, the Dow was at 14,000! That's why I'm so frustrated, cause everyone just wants to talk about this sub-prime mess!!"

A lot of people say we should have done this or that, and I understand that. They ask me, 'How could you not know?' and I guess in the retrospect of history, that's not an unfair question. But we learned and we've done something about it. When I look back at where we were in '98 and where we are today, I'm proud of the progress we've made.

You know what a significant part of that progess stemmed from? PEOPLE HITTING HOME RUNS WHILE THEY WERE ON STEROIDS.

Starting in 1995, I tried to institute a steroid policy. Needless to say, it was
met with strong resistance. We were fought by the union every step of the way.

Yup, that's the whole story. Bud Selig tirelessly campaigned for a steroid testing poilcy, but the Union wouldn't budge. You are the head of the League, Allan Huber Selig. It takes two sides to reach and agreement, and you weren't willing to meet to Union's demands to make the testing a reality. Take some responsibilty for what occured under your watch and the fact that the two sides couldn't come together. And aside from trying to insitiute a testing policy, what did you do about it? That was 1995, and up until 2003, the answer is "not a whole lot".

Selig said he consulted with a few coaches and executives in the late '90's including John Schuerholz, Doug Melvin and Brian Cashman:

They all told me none of them ever saw it in the clubhouses and that their players never spoke about it. "[Padres CEO] Sandy Alderson, as good a baseball man as you'll find, was convinced it was the bat. Others were convinced it was the ball. So a lot of people didn't know.

Wow... that's shocking. You mean Brain Cashman didn't come out and say, "Listen, Bud, there are at least 10 guys in my clubhouse on the juice. Clemens... holy shit! The guy pumps himself full of Winstrol twice an hour. Sometimes he just walks around with an IV drip."

Secondly, Brain Cashman probably never did see it in the Clubhouse and no one ever told him about it. That's not how it went down. Players knew what they were doing was wrong and a took the steroids at their own homes or in private places with their personal trainers.

It would be as if I went to West Baltimore and said "I heard there is a huge herion and crack epidemic going on around here, but when I was walking around the streets in my fucking tweed blazer and Brooks Brother's slacks, I wasn't so much as offered a hit! For goodness sake, I didn't even see one person shooting up or smoking rock!"

Great job Bud, give yourself another raise this year, you greedy, evil imbecile. Then die in your sleep.