The DSRL Must Die

I hate advertising. I watch everything on TV with my DVR trailing behind so I can fast forward through commercials. If I catch up, I'll pause or mute it. I think I'm allergic to ads. Stick around here long enough and I might even tell you how to pause two channels at once on your DVR and watch two NFL games airing concurrently on different channels.

As you may or may not have noticed, there are no ads on this blog. That is partially because we would literally make no money off them, and partially because online advertising is an exercise in futility. Think of how much time you spend online, and then think about how many things you've purchased via an online advertisement. You've probably bought plenty of stuff on the interwebs, but chances are you knew where you were going, or got there through Google.

Anyway, when I see terrible advertising, it bothers me even more than most people. The online stream of ESPN radio has some epically awful ads, probably because the companies who can afford legitimate ads buy spots on traditional radio. Also ESPN probably sees the internet feed as a potential second revenue stream and isn't about to give that away for free to the companies paying for regular radio spots. I usually take my earphones out when the commercials come on, but sometimes I get focused on what I'm doing, and one of the awful ads sneaks into my brain. If you listen to ESPN radio online, you'll probably recognize some of the following gems:

• Matthew McConaughey talking about the "Land Of Lean Beef"


• A spot that asks "Do you know what the difference between all the millionaires out there and YOU is?" [Hmmm... Hundreds of thousands of dollars?] "They decided they WANTED to become millionaires"
  
  
• "Do you were a career correction, or just some direction?" (in reference to working for the New York City department of corrections). [Just a thought, but if an employer has to advertise their openings in this economy, you probably don't want that job.]
  
  
• Mike Golic talking about Dial for Men ("Maintenance For Your Mansuit") and calling "odor causing bacteria" the "most dangerous player on the field". [Just because you are advertising on sports talk radio doesn't mean everything has to be a fucking sports related analogy]

Now, I don't really like doing this all that much, because it is also related to a certain championship winning New York City athlete, but it is my duty as a the proprietor of a semi-obscenely named sports blog. The Double Stuf [sic] Racing League (NSFW: Obnoxious Music) must be prodded to death with a fireplace stoker in the hottest portion of hell.

I have no problem with Mike & Mike. If you like a show that will put you back to sleep in the morning, give you only the mainstream opinion, and tell you absolutely nothing of import, I highly recommend theirs. But hearing Greeny and Golic talk about having a "lick race" makes Two Girls One Cup seem palatable.

See for yourself.

The worst part is that during the commercial, Greeny says he can beat Golic at a sport. Golic then asks if he's talking about chess or tennis, to which Greeny responds, "No, Golic, a REAL sport".

Yes, these two asshats, who make their living talking about actual fucking sports like football, baseball and basketball sold out so badly, that they are calling two people licking the filling off of a sandwich style chocolate cookie "a REAL sport". Nice work, I hope it wa$ worth it.

What's the fucking end game, guys? Is anyone on earth going to buy a package of Oreos and actually have a race to see who can lick the filling off faster? Oreos are kind of gross to begin with, even when you aren't watching adults eat them like they are six year-olds.

This one is on you, Nabisco. Decisions like these are the reasons our economy is in the shitter. Some retard actually came up with this idea, pitched to some pretty high level executives, and didn't get laughed out of the room? I will never understand this world.

Should Jeter Bat Leadoff?

Who should bat leadoff for the New York Yankees, Johnny Damon or Derek Jeter? Damon has occupied that position most of his Yankee career, while Jeter held the post earlier in his.

His relatively low OBP(.363) notwithstanding last year, Jeter has a higher career OBP than Damon. Wouldn’t it be wise to have the first batter with the higher OBP? You could give the extra AB to the player with the higher chance of extending a late inning rally.

Jeter grounded into 24 double plays last year (and 21 in 2007). Damon, a lefty who gets out of the box quicker, grounded into 4 (and has a career high of 13). Thus, more people will be on base for when the “meat” of the order comes up.

I think the best hitter on the team should bat 3rd. The best hitter on the Yankees is A-Rod. This would leave the lineup as Jeter/Damon/A-Rod/Teixeira. By virtue of this right/left/right/switch staggering, the Yankees are better protected from strategic bullpen management by opposing managers than they would if Jeter batted 2nd.

Below are Jeter’s career stats.

Batting leadoff -- .315/.389/.471 in over 2,100 at bats
Batting 2nd -- .316/.386/.459 in over 5,700 at bats

Per ESPN's splits for last three years (06-08):

Damon leading off an inning .290/.370/.442/.812 in 652 AB
Jeter leading off an inning .352/.402/.515/.920 in 344 AB

Based on these aspects, I think Jeter should lead off. To hell with tradition.

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Whitey Ford (#16)

Whitey Ford grew up in Astoria, Queens and went on to spend his entire 18 year career in Pinstripes. Ford compiled a career record of 236-106 with a ERA of 2.75. Ford's 236 wins for the Bombers ranks as the most ever and his .690 winning percentage is the highest among all pitchers with at least 300 decisions. Ford was enshrined in Cooperstown in 1974 with his friend and teammate, Mickey Mantle.

The “Chairman of the Board” made his major league debut on July 1, 1950 and went on to win his first nine decisions en route to being named the Sporting News Rookie of the Year. In 1951 and 1952, Whitey left the team to serve in the Army during the Korean War and when he returned in 1953 joined a staff of Allie Reynolds, Vic Raschi, and Eddie Lopat.

Ford became the ace of the staff and in 1955 Ford went on to an 18-7 record while pitching 18 complete games with a 2.63 ERA. However, 1956 was an even better year – he was 19-6 with a 2.01 ERA. Whitey pitched well over 200 innings almost every season and never had an ERA over 3.24. He made the All-Star team eight times and was a six-time World Series Champion.

The Yankees won the pennant 11 times over his career and Ford won a record ten World Series games in addition to holding almost every other World Series pitching record. In Ford’s eight World Series losses, the offense provided an average of just 2.25 runs and were shut out twice.

Whitey was a small guy and didn’t throw the hardest but he controlled games with pin-point accuracy and earned his nickname for his ability to stay calm under pressure. Ford was one of many pitchers of his time to doctor baseballs and, according to Wikipedia, doctored a ball in the 1962 All-Star game to strike out Willie Mays. Ford and Mantle had amassed $800 in greens fees which the owner agreed to cancel if Ford could strike out Mays.

The same year Whitey was inducted into the Hall of Fame, the Yankees retired the number 16, and later dedicated a plaque in Monument Park to him which states Ford was “one of the greatest pitchers ever to step on a mound”.

In addition to being one of the greatest Yankees pitchers ever, he was also one of my father’s favorite Yankees (along with Mantle) and my first baseball glove was a Whitey Ford model given to me by my dad.

One of the highlights of the final game at The Stadium was seeing Ford and Larsen scooping up dirt from the mound.

It would be tough to argue the Yankees ever had a starting pitcher as dominant, especially over such a long career. Though different in every aspect, let’s hope our new, larger lefty can approximate his regular season production, and maybe even win a few World Series games, like Whitey did.

Antonio Margarito: Humble Artisan

Would everyone leave Antonio Margarito alone? The guy had to rush from his second job as a craftsman, putting some finishing touches on a bathroom in Santa Monica, just to get to the Staples Center on Saturday night, which is why he looked so flat. He didn't have time to wash off his hands, which explains the "plaster like substance" found in his wraps.

The substance was found before the fight, so he was re-taped under the supervision of a boxing official. Then, coincidentally, the Tijuana Tornado got his ass handed to him by a 37 year old "Sugar" Shane Mosley. Boxing gloves weigh about 12 oz, and I'm guessing a handful of plaster is going to increase that pretty significantly.

The real loser of that fight was Miguel Cotto, who beat Mosely in November 2007, but lost his WBO Welterweight title to Margarito in July.

That was Cotto's first career loss, and it looks a whole lot different after the revelation that Margarito was cheating. You might doubt whether Margarito used the plaster in his 11th round defeat of Cotto, but ask yourself this: Why would you win the Welterweight title and THEN start cheating?

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Dwight Gooden (#16)

When Doc Gooden played for the Yankees, he wore #11 in 1996 & 1997, and #17 when he returned in 2000. Obviously, he would have liked to wear #16, which he adorned while with the Mets, but it had already been retired in honor of Whitey Ford, who Cliff will pay tribute to later today.

Gooden burst on to the scene as a 19 year old in 1984, after destroying the Carolina League and leading the 1983 Lynchburg Mets to a 96-43 record, 10.5 games ahead of their next closest competitor. After jumping all the way from from High A-ball to the Big Show, he won the Rookie of the Year, finished second in the Cy Young voting, became the youngest All-Star in the history of the MLB, and struck out all three hitters he faced in the game.

His '85 season made his rookie campaign look pedestrian. Dr. K tossed 276 2/3 innings and the only time he had an ERA of over 2.00 was after his first start of the season. He won pitching's Triple Crown, leading the league in ERA (1.53), wins (24) and strikeouts (268). He threw 16 complete games, including two back to back CG shutouts in September in both of which, he got a no decision. That year the Mets won 98 games, but missed the playoffs.

When the Mets won the World Series in 1986, Gooden threw 250 regular season innings at a 2.84 ERA, won 17 games and made it back to his third All-Star game in three years as a pro. He didn't get the decision in any of the games he started that postseason, but in the NLCS against Houston, Doc went 10 innings and only gave up one run.

In December of that year, Gooden's legal troubles began, when he was arrested after being involved in a "full scale brawl" that took 20 police officers to contain. In Spring Training in 1987, Gooden tested positive for cocaine, agreed to enter a rehab center, and as a result didn't make his first start until June 5th. That didn't stop him from winning 15 games and finishing 5th in the Cy Young Voting.

Still only 23 years old in 1988, Gooden threw 248 more innings of a 3.19 ERA, picked up 18 wins and made another All-Star team. Unfortunately, his 1988 season might best be remembered by the game tying home run he gave up to Mike Scioscia in a game they eventually lost, leveling the NLCS at 2-2, instead of giving the Mets a 3-1 lead.

After missing more than half of the '89 season (but still pitching effectively in his appearances), Gooden had another very solid season in 1990. He struck out 223 in 232 2/3 innings, finished 4th in the Cy Young voting, and even got some acknowledgment in the MVP race. On two terrible Mets teams in 1992 & 1993, Gooden threw over 200 innings to about a 3.50ERA twice, but picked up 10 & 12 wins respectively.

Perhaps it was his problems with substance abuse or the 1172 2/3 innings he threw from the ages of 19-23, but Gooden never regained his dominant form.

After signing with the Yankees in 1996, he threw a no-hitter on May 14th against the Mariners, which was unfortunately the equivalent of sinking a hole-in-one on the way to shooting an 85, and was left off the postseason roster.

He returned to the Yanks in 1997, threw only 108 1/3 innings, but managed to make the postseason roster, where he started Game 4 of the ALDS. Gooden left after 5 2/3 leading 2-1, but Mariano Rivera blew the save in the 8th inning. Despite appearing in 12, Doc never got the decision in a postseason game.

At George Steinbrenner's insistence, Gooden was added to the Yankees in the middle of the 2000 season, but didn't pitch against the Mets in the World Series, thereby summing up the anticlimactic nature of his career. Although he won 91 games by the age of 24, he ended his career with only 194.

Since he retired in 2001, Gooden has had more than his fair share of legal troubles, spending time in jail and rehab for DWI, cocaine use and violating probation. In 2006, he chose to do time as opposed to extending his probation in hopes that being in prison would finally help rid himself of the addictions that dragged down his career.

Gooden's story is simultaneously incredible and terrible. He had an ephemeral, meteoric rise at an impossibly young age. He also had an inescapable and tragic decline far too soon.

We all know people who have tussled with the demons of addiction and substance abuse. Here's to hoping Dr. K can summon "Lord Charles" and strike them out for good.

Pettitte's New Contract Breakdown

I just thought I would throw down the particulars of Pettitte's new contract for those interested. This information was borrowed (stolen) from Cot's Baseball Contracts which is an awesome site. The whole site is basically a breakdown of pretty much every player's contract from every team, including minor league contracts.

1 year/$5.5M (2009)

• re-signed by NY Yankees as a free agent 1/26/09

• $4.5M in performance bonuses: $0.5M each for 150, 160, 170 IP; $0.75M each for 180, 190, 200, 210 IP

• $2M in roster bonuses: $0.1M for 120 days on active 25-man roster; $0.2M for 130 days; $0.25M each for 140, 150 days; $0.4M each for 160, 170, 180 days

Yankees, Cowboys Team Up

A tidbit from Hal Steinbrenner appearing on WFAN this afternoon at 1:05PM.

In a venture with Goldman Sachs, the two most hated teams in professional sports have joined together to create “Legends Hospitality Management.”

-Legends will run catering, retail merchandising and concessions in the new Yankee Stadium and Dallas Cowboys Stadium

-Will look to run concessions at other stadiums in future

Love them or hate them, notwithstanding their personnel management, the Jones/Steinbrenner families are the best businessmen in sports. This venture should provide both franchises with extra revenue. How do Giants fans feel about this?

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Keith Hernandez (#17)

I'm Keith Hernandez.

Well, not exactly. I'm Matt Laudato; I'm in my second year of law school, and I currently reside in the mecca of National League baseball that is Brooklyn. I live a few blocks from the building wherein Jackie Robinson signed his first Major League Baseball contract.

During my first summer in the BK, I caught the 2 train over to Flatbush for my obligatory pilgrimage to the former location of historic Ebbets Field - once the home of the Brooklyn Dodgers and more recently, the inspiration for the Mets' new Citi (Taxpayer?) Field. Not that even the slightest hint of the stadium remains - a tree-obscured plaque on the plot's apartment building pays the only geographic homage - but I felt it my duty as a lifelong Mets fanatic to tip my cap to baseball's storied past.

You see, my fellow Brooklynites inherited the Mets as the trust fund to their collective rooting interest in 1962 when the Mets materialized up in Queens, while the Mets inherited the Brooklynites' beloved Dodgers' blue caps and pinstripes (the NY Giants lending their orange). Not to be cut out of the will, I inherited the Brooklyn Dodger fan base's notorious status as the long-suffered. "Wait till next year" became "You gotta believe," and I was born a tortured Mets fan through no fault of my own.

And now, here I am. Like Brendan, I am to provide the dissent to the majority's showering of Yankee praise; a sort of blogospheric system of checks and balances. Unlike Brendan, however, I don't have the luxury of two recent championship rings to stave my Yankee contempt- though I've honed my self-control considerably since moving so close to enemy territory. I'll do my best.

One thing we Mets and Yankee fans do have in common - especially if you're around my age - is that we both had near Hall of Fame caliber first basemen to emulate whilst we cut our teeth on the diamond in Little League. You guys had Donny Baseball, we had Keith Hernandez.

Though neither of those guys have yet gotten the nod to Cooperstown (they will, they have to), they surely taught us how, or at least inspired us to try and play good, fundamental ball. Hernandez was just unreal in the field: 11 consecutive Gold Gloves and such a strong and accurate throwing arm that even Mookie Wilson would relay to Hernandez on his throws home from center field. An MVP and a batting champ to boot, Hernandez served not only as a key component to the 1986 World Series Championship team, but as a beloved linchpin in franchise history.

And boy, can he talk. Having Keith in the booth is like having your favorite, inappropriate uncle narrate your family gatherings. When Keith's not eating ribs in the booth, enlightening us with Mad Men-esque views of women, discussing where he's going to dinner in a visiting city or explaining how his mustache precluded the need for eye-black, Keith is keeping the Mets players and fans honest.

The Spitter sure knows his baseball, and is not afraid to call out Reyes for doggin' it (which later spurred a confrontation between the two and the infamous "I was just doing my job, you should do yours" line) or defend a slumping Beltran from the fans' ire by pointing out his graceful, crucial defense. Sure, Keith's "When I was playing..." routine gets a bit tiresome every now and then, but at least his mouth diarrhea isn't as severe as Seaver's, and thankfully we have Gary and Ron to balance him out.

Kind of like my role on this blog, except I can't give free mustache rides.

Remember [Non-Sports]

I'm pretty sure yesterday was my first day without writing a post since New Year's. I wish it was because I stopped burning the candle from both ends for a day and finally got some sleep, or that I was away on a business trip.

Nope. Early last Wednesday morning, the world lost a good dude, and yesterday we said our goodbyes. My best friend's brother only had 29 years of this awesome thing we call life. He was one of the few people I know who liked music more than I do. Whether he was messing with Fruity Loops, playing the drums, or DJing I think he was at his happiest getting washed up in the sound waves of a thumping jam.

Besides being Yankee fans, we shared some other hobbies that I'm not going to mention in this space, but let's just say that yesterday morning, one of his best friends twirled one up using nothing but the finest, cut it in half, and while nobody was looking, slipped Dave a little something to camp on with St. Pete at The Pearly Gates.

It always seemed like you were searching for something, man. In a really abstruse and painful way for everyone else, you might have found it.

In the book Into The Wild, Jon Krakauer talks about how, by pushing himself to climb more and more dangerous mountain faces and "peering over the ledge of death", he had hoped to gain some amazing insight into life. DJ Dangerous Dave wasn't climbing actual mountains, but he certainly caught a couple glimpses of what was over that ledge.

You slept late, but were always up for a lively conversation. You had your problems, but who the fuck doesn't? It's just that usually, people get another chance.

Not sure if you liked this song or not, but it would take me all night to find something more appropriate.



"If you ever feel so sad,
And the whole world is driving you mad,
Remember, remember, today

And don't feel sorry,
'Bout the way it's gone,
And don't you worry,
'Bout what you've done"

R.I.P. David Lawrence Sampson
[May 6, 1979-January 21, 2009]

Pettitte To Return To Yankees!

The Yankees announced today that they signed Pettitte to a one-year deal. The AP says Pettitte is guaranteed $5.5MM and could reach $12MM with incentives.

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This is great news for Yankees fans. Despite his horrendous August and September, Pettitte is a proven veteran and brings leadership to the staff--especially for Bronx newcomers CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett. I stated last week that I would go as high as $10MM. Anything else I would have told the Hendricks Brothers to go fack themselves. $5.5MM guaranteed is not bad for a 4th/5th Starter. The Yankees can say that their opening day payroll was less than last year's. If it ends up higher, that is no fault of their own as Pettitte has met his incentives. I would imagine that the incentives include reaching 200 Innings--which was Pettitte's only real asset last season. Others probably include All Star game appearance, Cy Young and bonuses for each win over 15. Kudos to Cashman and the Pettitte camp for getting it right.

If he signs, Pettitte would join a projected starting rotation featuring CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Chien-Ming Wang and Joba Chamberlain. I will go to war with that rotation in the AL East.

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Scott Brosius (#18)

Scott Brosius was only a Yankee from 1998-2001. However in his four seasons with the team he became a Pinstriped Hero. Every year he was on the team the Yankees won the AL Pennant. Not to mention the 3 World Series titles that came during those years…

Brosius arrived in the Bronx in 1998 from the Oakland Athletics in a trade that sent away one of most maligned Yankees ever, Kenny Rogers. Most Yankees fans were ecstatic to see Rogers sent away so anything that Brosius provided would be Sicilian gravy. In his first season with the club, Brosius provided a very generous helping of that said sauce — batting .300 with 19 HRs and 98 RBI. For his efforts he was named an All Star but most importantly to Yankees fans, he was the MVP of the 1998 World Series. Against the Padres, Scott hit .471, 2 HRs and 6 RBI. Both of these HRs can in Game 3 of the World Series and one of them was off of perennially choking closer Trevor Hoffman to give the Yankees a 3-0 Series lead.

Another memorable World Series moment provided by “Brosius The Ferocious” (obviously a John Sterling creation) occurred in Game 5 of the 2001 World Series. With two outs in the bottom of the ninth and the Yankees down two runs to the Arizona Diamondbacks, Scott crushed a 1-0 B.H. Kim slider into the left-field seats of the Yankee Stadium to drive home Jorge Posada and tie the game. The previous night, when Brosius had went 0 for 2 against Kim, New York first baseman Tino Martinez launched a two-out, two-run home run to tie the game as well. It marked the first time in World Series history that this had ever occurred.

In four World Series appearances, Brosius had a .314 BA/.333 OBP/.529 SLG with 4 HRs and 13 RBI.

He was a slick fielding third baseman, a master of the bare-handed scoop for balls slicing down the third baseline. In 1999, he won the AL Gold Glove for his glovework at 3rd.

Brosius’ “clutchiferousness” is one of the reasons why current 3B Alex Rodriguez is maligned by Yankees fans. Fans could always count on the trusty but unsexy Brosius to plate a go ahead run or make a game-saving defensive play. Yet the sexy, regular season monster A-Rod cannot seem to buy a big play in October. If you ask me and most other Yankees fans, we would take Scott over A-Rod every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Coincidence or not, the Yankees have never been to a World Series with A-Rod manning the Hot Corner.

Brosius retired after the 2001 World Series and now is the head baseball coach at his alma mater Linfield College in Oregon. In 2005 he was inducted into the Oregon Sports Hall of Fame. In 2007, he appeared at his first Old Timer’s Day at Yankee Stadium. Hopefully he will become a mainstay in the future.

Thank you, Scott! We miss you!

Torre Confirms What Everyone Suspected

I can't imagine Joe Torre's new book is going to have too positive of an impact on his legacy as Yankee Manager.

Teammates frequently called Alex Rodriguez "A-Fraud," and the third baseman was obsessed over his rivalry with shortstop Derek Jeter, "The Yankee Years" reveals, according to the New York Daily News and New York Post.

Wait, what? You mean the thinly veiled fraudulence that shines through a TV screen like high beam xenon headlights coming towards you on a two lane road is evident to the people who spent all of spring training, the entire regular season and possibly one series in October with him?

Let's just say that a little nymph that dwells on one of his frosted tips told me where he was on New Year's Eve, he has a limp dick handshake and that despite his Dominican heritage he has the dancing skills of a UNIX programmer named Preston. He was wearing a fucking sweater even though he was celebrating south of the Tropic of Cancer but north of the Equator.

I want to like this guy, I swear. I've never booed him at the Stadium and probably never will. His 2007 was the stuff of legends. Um, .314/.422/.645 as a competent third baseman, 24 SB to only 4 CS, 54 HR, 31 2B and 156 RsBI (h/t FJM). Surreal. He's driven in over 100 runs in every single full season as a major leaguer except one (when he still earned an All-Star berth).

No matter what, we've got him for another 9 years; under no circumstances is he getting traded. He's a consistently incredible force behind the plate, solid in the field, but an unimaginable headcase. He's got a strange mix of cockiness and insecurity found only in Phil Helmuth, Oscar De La Hoya and other such very successful but transparently douchetastic phonies.

Really though... Wow, Joe Torre. I didn't think a tell-all book was in your future. Ironic that you once famously said to Michael Kay, "I don't need you to be Rona Barrett around here" in reference to the long time gossip columnist and now you are spilling your guts like a 13 year old girl. I'm guessing this means that there might still be a single digit number up for grabs in Monument Park?

Number of Days Until Spring Training: Aaron Boone (#19)

Uh, remember this?


WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?!?!

Remember when the Yankees were invincible and the Red Sox were just a bunch of gagging choke artists trying to suck three dicks at once?

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?!?!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnn

/regains composure

The night Aaron Boone singlehandedly caused a record 326 heart attacks and 114 suicides the the greater Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I was attending Bentley College, in Waltham. My college tenure (2002-2006) coincided with some of the fiercest skirmishes in the history of the Yankees vs. Red Sox version of the Hundred Years War.

We were sophomores and happened to be living in a dorm populated by almost all seniors because my freshman year roommate won the 2nd pick in the housing lottery. My roommate Kevin and I got together with a few other Yankees fans (Kristen, Katie, Allissa, you out there?) and watched it in our room.

When the Red Sox were winning 4-1 in the top of the seventh, a few Boston loving, lobstah cracking, Storrow Drive driving, Kelly's Roast Beef loving (btw there is no fucking way you "created the orignial roast beef sandwich"), Jim Koch blowing, Boston Stranglin', Reveeah Beach walking (America's first public beach, huh? THEY WERE ALL PUBLIC WHEN THE FUCKING NATIVE AMERICANS LIVED HERE YOU RACIST OPRESSORS), yellow rain slicker wearing, NESN watching, chowdah gulping, Bernie and Phyl's shopping, Tia's on the Waterfront sweating, Tequila Rain dancing, Who's On First patrons who also happened to be motherfucking giant shiteating, fuckfaced fish mongers from fackin' Sawgus, Walpole, Reading, Taunton or some other godforsaken shithole, thought it would be a good idea to bang on everyone's doors and scream unintelligible shit.

Sorry, I lost it again for a second there.

It was before the ubiquity of the DVR and pretty much everyone on campus was watching the game at the exact same time. If you weren't tuned in, you probably still had a pretty good idea of what was going on, just by the collective audible reactions echoing throughout the dorms. It was fucking electric, and I can't imagine a baseball game ever getting to that place again.

The Red Sox have obviously since smartened up and became the Yankees pimp in recent years, so I guess there could technically be an epic playoff rematch, but I highly doubt it's going to come down to an 11th inning, Game 7, walk-off home run by a guy who never slugged .500 over a full season.

When it happened, everyone in the room went from deadly stoic to deliriously ecstatic in one swing of the bat. Being that most of the student body is from New England, we were one of the few rooms going absolutely insane, literally jumping around like a bunch of four year olds on a trampoline for the first time.

Because of that Perfect Storm, the aforementioned Matt Damon idolizing, NKOTB fawning, dock workers ended up eating a giant bag of shit for their premature celebration while the other Wellesley living, Nantucket vacationing, Tea Party having, Charles River trail running, Jordan's Furniture investing, Volvo driving, Phillips Exeter grads cried into the J. Crew sweaters draped over their shoulders and about 200,000 pink Sox hats got put back in the closet until the next October.

Whatever Sox fans, you won in 2004, con-fucking-gradulations, but Johnny Damon's 2nd inning grand slam could never hold a candle to Aaron-Fackin-Boone. Admit it. You were still worried until that last out was recorded. You will always be our collective bitches. Why don't you have a couple of glasses of Jameson and go for a drive?

For fuck's sake, can the season start already? Shovel off the Zeusdamn fields. I'll play!


Did I mention I hate Boston?

[Ed. Note: I could never have come up with all these Boston stereotypes by myself, and thus enlisted pretty much everyone I know that spend some time out there, including my sister, Joe, Kevin, Will and Cliff]