The Best Thing About ESPN...

...is not looking at Stuart Scott's lazy eye.

It's their commercials. For all the shit ESPN gets from random assholes on these united internets, their commercials have always been hilarious. Here is their latest rib tickler that I can't get enough of...

Number of Days Until Spring Training: #22 (LaTroy Hawkins)

If you are a Yankees fan, and watched any of the first half of the season last year, chances are you saw this: Joe Girardi coming out to get LaTroy Hawkins because he was unable to finish an inning. His wind-up was awkward because he started pulling his hand out of his glove too soon. Hawkins gave up 42 hits, 17 walks, and 26 runs in his 41 IP as a Yankee good for a 5.77 ERA. However, he was released in early August and went to Houston, where he sported a nifty 0.43ERRRRrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnooo.....................................................................

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Suzyn Waldman: "RAW-JAH CLEMENS IS IN FACK YOUK'S POST!!1!!1!!!!

AND RAW-JAH CLEMENS IS COMING BACK!!!

AWWW MY GOODN-GOODESSS GGGRAAACIOOUSSS!!!!!11!

OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS... (trails off)

OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS I HAVE EV-AH SEEN... "

/head explodes



















I'm sorry. This was never going to be about boo-magnet LaTroy Hawkins, nor was it going to concern the first two years of Robinson Cano or the last half year of Xavier Nady. All due respect to Allie Reynolds, who had more value over his career as a Yankee or Jimmy Key who was undoubtedly a better guy than Clemens.

The thing that makes Suzyn Waldman's hysterical overreaction to Clemens "dramatic" return in May 2007 (I was at his first game back) even more ridiculous is that The Rocket's first time with the Yankees wasn't really that impressive, it was just beautifully timed.

Clemens 300th win came in Pinstripes, in the same game he recorded his 4,000th strikeout. The team won two Championships in his first two years and he pitched six strong innings in Game 7 of the 2001 WS. His postseason ERA with the Yankees was .326, but his ERA in the World Series was 1.90.

When Roger won the Cy Young in 2001, Mike Mussina actually pitched a few more innings (229 to 220), had one more strikeout (214 to 213), a lower ERA (3.15 to 3.51) and a lower WHIP (1.07 to 1.26) than Clemens. The only category of import Mussina wasn't as good or better than Clemens in, was of course, their won-lost records. Mussina was (17-11) while Clemens started (20-1), finished (20-3) and as a result received 87% of the vote while Mussina got just 1%.

Clemens regular season ERA in his first stint with the Yankees was 4.02 (about a 115 ERA+) and his average won-lost record was 15-7. They were solid numbers, but certainly not as good as the Yankees had hoped when they acquired him from Toronto, coming off of two sub-3.00ERA, 230+ inning, 20+ win campaigns.

In his last go round with the Yanks, he struggled with hamstring problems but pitched to better than a league average ERA (107 ERA+), which is pretty much on par with what everyone expected when they unveiled him like it was a fucking reverse surprise party and signed him to a prorated $28,000,022 deal.

The last game he ever started for the Yanks was during the 2007 ALDS in a loss to Cleveland. Bothered by his hamstring once again, he lasted only 2 1/3 innings, gave up 3 runs and was replaced by Phil Hughes. In relief, Hughes pitched brilliantly (3 2/3IP 2H 0R), in what I had really thought at the time could be a symbolic change of the guards. Not so much.

Since then, Hughes hasn't won a game, and even though Clemens hasn't thrown a pitch, his entire career has been called into question and his public identity permanently tarnished. Clearly, nothing was going to be the same once his HGH & steroid use was revealed, but the ego synergy between him and Rusty Hardin has created what might be the biggest PR disaster possible. Do you think the story about Mindy McCready would have come out if he wasn't involved in a legal battle where each side was calling the others character into question?

If Clemens has just owned up to his steroid use and made a preemptive strike before the Mitchell Report came out, his reputation wouldn't be the colossal clusterfuck it now is. Of course, the type of player that uses is steroids is unlikely to be the kind of person who can own up to a mistake publicly, especially when it means sacrificing every one's perception of what you've worked your whole life for.

Sorry about not getting your pardon, Rog. I guess nobody knows you when you're down and out.

Mr. Clapton, would you please...
(quick Derek Trucks solo at 1:42 mark)

Loan Me A Dime [Music] [Non-Sports]

[Before I started wasting all my free time writing for this site, I spent a considerable chunk of it downloading music. I have an amazing BitTorrent site (which I will not name for fear of the wrath of their fascist rules) that organizes pretty much every album by anyone ever (and a ton of live shows) by artist, by release date, and usually has them available in multiple sound qualities. It's the greatest thing ever. As result I've got a lot of pretty obscure stuff.

So, occasionally I'm going to include a YouTube of a song I really like and write a little bit about the tune and the artist. If this annoys you, please tell me I'm a tool in the comments or something. Rest assured that this is because we are in a relatively slow period for my rooting interests and this isn't going to turn into a Phish message board. We are all for expanding our minds here at Fack Youk, but if you folks think it's stupid, I won't do it.]


Today's Selection: Duane Allman (& Boz Scaggs) - Loan Me A Dime

That is actually just an excerpt, because the actual version off of The Duane Allman Anthology [Vol. 1] is 13 minutes long. Pulling out just the best part of the solo kills the context a little bit, but I know most people can't tolerate songs with long jams and get lost without lyrics. I'm probably an exception only because I devote a healthy amount of time to messing around with my hollowbody Paul Reed Smith and trying to pretend I'm good enough to justify owning it (and failing).

Give me a song with long jam and dominant lead guitar part by a virtuoso like Duane, Derek Trucks*, Clapton or Trey Anastasio and I can listen to it 1,000 times. No matter how good your memory is, you're not going to remember thirteen minutes worth of notes, so you don't get sick of it like you do songs with words in them. I cue one of these tunes up on my walk to work and it's a different experience every time.

*Dickey Betts actually put down the Basil Hayden's long enough to answer the "Duane vs. Derek" question incredibly diplomatically right here.

Why, Duane? I know it wasn't your fault, but why did you have to get on your motorcycle that day? You were only 24 years old and already Jesus Christ on the Les Paul. That version of "Hey, Jude" you did with Wilson Pickett was incredible. The tribute to King Curtis you gave two weeks before you died, at the Filmore East, where you played "You Don't Love Me" into "Soul Serenade" and then flowed right into a blistering, free-form 10 minute slide guitar solo, is one of the greatest things ever to vibrate my eardrums. It was simultaneously soulful, angry and beautiful. I just want to know what you would have done with the last 37 1/2 years.

Use of the Word "Historic"

Am I the only one who gets annoyed at the continuous, cliched use of the word "historic"?

The word is overused in every facet of life, from sports (i.e. the Cardinals Super Bowl run) to politics (Obama's inauguration).

What are the standards for the use of this word?

Isn't everything historic? Last night I was at Bogie's when they kicked a keg of Guinness. Guess who got the first one from the new barrel... HISTORIC!

According to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, "historic" is defined as:

: historic :
a: famous or important in history
b: having great and lasting importance
c: known or established in the past
d: dating from or preserved from a past time or culture

But when we use the word in the present, how do we know that it will be "famous or important in history" given that history is what occurs in the past? Another cliche is "witnessing history". Isn't whatever we see "witnessing history"? And why exactly is the Cardinals Super Bowl run "historic"? It doesn't fit into any of those definitions.

Why can't writers come up with another word?

[Ed. Note: I blame Joe Buck. I can just hear him saying it.]

The Reason WR's Are Divas: Their Job Is Easier

[Ed. Note: This was the 6th post ever written on this blog, so I wanted to pull it forward because it's relevant to what I wrote earlier about Anquan Boldin. If you were reading this blog back then (Google Analytics gives that a 99+% chance of being a no), I apologize.]

A diva used to refer to a supremely talented female opera signer, and comes from the same root at the word 'divine'. The genesis of the negative connotation of the word diva were (usually female) lead singers that were notoriously difficult to work with.

Being a lead singer, while it is the most visible position in the band, requires the least amount of work. Most of what differentiates lead singers from the other members of the band and the rest of the world, is a great singing voice. Unfortunately for most of us, 99% of the population was not born with the requisite combination of vocal folds, muscles and ligaments to have a resonant, pleasing, and in the cases of the best lead signers, distinctive singing voice. Similarly, 99% of the world was not born with the DNA to grow to six feet tall or more, with elite speed, agility and the hands and reflexes to snare a NFL sized football traveling 45 or 50mph while running full speed.

The most accessible component of music for most people are the vocals. Above all the complicated layers that comprise any piece of music, the words are the one thing almost everyone listening can understand. Far more people, for instance, can remember the words to a song than hum along with the guitar solo, much less play it. The inner workings of the bass, drums, guitar and other instruments can be enjoyed by all, but understood only by a musical connoisseur or someone with a background in the instrument.

Likewise, the passing game is the most exciting part of the football game, partly because of the fast pace and partially because, with two people involved, it is the easiest to understand. Quarterback drops back, looks to the WR, who creates separation and they connect on a crisply thrown ball, hopefully. That's the part of the game than happens in Brett Favre's Wrangler Jeans commercials, not the scrum between the center, right guard and the nose tackle.

Like the chords and rhythm of a hit song, most fans can't process the complicated strategy and execution of offensive and defensive line play either, although they can appreciate the end results. Collectively, line play is universally considered the most important component of a football game, laying the groundwork for everything else that happens. But there are too many things occurring at once. The only people who can dissect line play are those with access to the overhead-view coaches' tape: current and former coaches, players and analysts.

When it finally all comes together, like the lead signer, the WR might have the easiest job on the field, save for the kicker. Wideouts match up with guys they typically have 3” of height or more on, and have the knowledge of where they are planning on going.

The obvious comparison between an band and a football team should be quarterback to lead singer. But the problem is that the quarterback's job is extremely difficult, and his level of performance is directly affected by this teammates. The quarterback bears responsibility closer to the band manager or sound guy. A wide receiver can get open on a play regardless if the TE on the opposite end of the formation runs his post route efficiently or if the running back runs too flat or a screen. A quarterback, however, will have no chance of completing a pass if a defensive tackle shoots through a gap and gets to him before he completes a three step drop.

That's why some top level WR's complain all the time and all of them think they don't get the ball enough. They actually are open, they are doing their job, while someone else, be it a lineman or quarterback isn't. The thing is, getting open doesn't take nearly the amount of playbook study, time in the gym, or technique that blocking a 290lb missile does. It doesn't take the same level of film study and ability to dissect the entire defense that is necessary for a top level quarterback to be successful. They don't take the physical punishment in between the tackles that a running back does. In both cases, it takes a complex and heroic effort to set the table for both wide receivers and lead singers.

The Curious Case Of Anquan Boldin

One of the Giants' highest priorities this offseason is going to be filling the hole on their roster left by the bullet that went through Plaxico Burress' thigh. Burress is probably going to make an "Up North Trip" for what went down in the Latin Quarter just after midnight on the morning of November 30th, thereby vacating his post as the #1 WR on the GMen.

I don't know what Jerry Reese is scheming up over in the Meadowlands, but I can tell you what Giants fans are thinking. They want Anquan Boldin in the worst way. They speak in hushed reverent tones and call him the "toughest player in the league". Except for Ed Valentine at Big Blue View, that is (I've added some subtle emphasis):

Cross Arizona's Anquan Boldin off the list of potential targets for the Giants at wide receiver. Tom Rock of Newsday does a great job calling out Boldin for his sideline tirade near the end of Sunday's NFC Championship Game. Mike Freeman of CBS Sportsline went even further, calling Boldin a 'jackass.' Boldin apparently continued his tirade after the game, refusing to celebrate the Super Bowl berth with his teammates. Sorry, I want nothing to do with a player who acts like that during and after the biggest game of his team's season. 'Kudos' to Pro Football Talk for the Freeman find.

Hear that, Jerry Reese? Cross the number one potential target at wide receiver in the league off your to-do list because some clueless hack of a "blogger" "want[s] nothing to do with [him]". Forgive me Ed, I thought you were going to give an ACTUAL REASON.

The Cardinals were running a one reciever set and obviously the human-like machine referred to as "Larry Fitzgerald" is going to be that one WR. Boldin probably wanted to be in the game. You just said it was the biggest game of the season, would you rather he sat on the sidelines with his helmet on, like LaGroinian Toemlinson?

I don't think we should judge his integrity and character from 10 seconds of FOX sideline camera shots. The media will no doubt take a rolling pin to this story and try to stretch it out over the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl. Great, I hope that lowers his value this offseason and the Giants can get him for less. Who knows what was actually said? The sidelines in the NFL are probably an incredibly emotional place (I've never been), and I'm sure things are said and forgiven that the general public never hears a whisper of.

This guy wanted to play so badly, in fact, that after he was knocked unconscious by this hit in Week 3 and carted off the field, it took him only three weeks to return to the starting lineup. He had a broken sinus cavity, two fractures in his face, it took eight plates and a jaw wiring for the surgeons to repair it all and he (supposedly) didn't take any painkillers. I wouldn't have back to my job in three weeks, and I sit at a desk writing marketing research reports.

Before & After

My one concern with Boldin, is that he's only 6'1", 217. Most of the true #1 receivers in the league are taller than that. Calvin Johnson (6'5"), Plax (6'5"), Randy Moss (6'4"), Brandon Marshall (6'4"), T.O. (6'3"), Andre Johnson (6'3"), LFitz (6'3"). Unfortunately, I don't think Eli Manning is ever going to be a deadly accurate passer, and as a result, he'll need a bigger target to throw to.

I threw out the possibility of TJ Houshmanzadeh, who is going to be a free agent, because the Giants won't have to give anything up besides money and cap space. Up until this year, Housh has taken a backseat to the artist formerly known as Chad Johnson. TJ caught 905 of the 2672 yards thrown for by Bengals QBs this year, and has had more touchdowns than Ocho in each of the past three seasons. But he's 6'1", 199, and 31 years old.

The Giants aren't getting Larry Fitzgerald or Calvin Johnson. They aren't going to bring in T.O. if the Cowboys release him. I'd certainly rather have Boldin than Housh, but regardless of this dust up on the sidelines, the Cardinals aren't just going to give him away. They'd probably want some draft picks in return and I'm assuming it would be more than the 2nd & 5th the Giants got for Jeremy Shockey. Probably more like the 1st, 3rd and 6th the Cowboys (stupidly) gave up for Roy Williams.

I love Boldin, but the Giants might be better off signing Housh and/or seeing if one of the receivers in this year's draft, like Jeremy Macklin or Percy Harvin, falls to them at the 29th pick.

Bud Selig For A Day

Jason at It Is About The Money, Stupid was kind enough to guest-post our suggestion for what to do if we were commissioner of Major League Baseball for a day. It includes a little of our email exchange that led up to the post.

He originally asked me to write a few sentences, I obliged, and then asked if he had any edits or suggestions. He offered some direction, I asked Will and Cliff for some input, and pretty soon the offering was almost 400 words. Check it out if you get a chance, and I'll re-post it here later on, just for the record.

Check out Jason's blog in general, too. (Not just because he was the first person to link to us). He's a Yankees guy, but always has a unique and objective take on tough issues like Stadium financing and other stuff throughout the league.

Number of Days Until Spring Training: #23 (Mattingly)

There are 23 days remaining until catchers and pitchers report. The number 23 on the New York Yankees was last shouldered by a man that needs no introduction... Sir Donald Arthur Mattingly, a.k.a. The Hitman a.k.a. Donnie Baseball. From 1984-1987, he had the makings of a surefire Hall of Famer.

In 1984, at age 23, in his first full season in The Bigs, he finished 5th in the MVP voting after batting .343 with a 156 OPS+.

In '85 Donnie batted .324 (3rd in the league) with 35 home runs (4th), 48 doubles (1st), and 145 RBIs (1st), then the most RBIs in a season by a left-handed major leaguer since Ted Williams drove in 159 in 1949. Don's efforts were recognized with his first and only MVP award.

He had another spectacular season in 1986, losing the MVP Award vote to only pre-tractor-teeth-pulling/forehead ear Roger Clemens. In '87 he racked up 30 homers and 115 RBIs and finished 7th in the voting despite only playing 141 games. That year, Mattingly tied a major league record by hitting home runs in eight consecutive games, set a major league record by hitting six grand slams (somehow, the only 6 of his career) and got an extra base hit in 10 consecutive games.

Donnie's career was cut short by a series of ongoing back problems starting in 1987. He retired in 1995, a season before the longest World Series drought in Yankee history ended. Unfortunately for Yankees fans, his bad back is going to keep him out of Cooperstown. However, his outstanding career batting numbers, his amazing 1984-1987, and his 9 Gold Glove awards were recognized by the Yankees when they retired his #23 and placed a plaque in Monument Park to honor him on August 31, 1997. His plaque reads:

"A humble man of grace and dignity, a captain who led by example, proud of
the pinstripe tradition and dedicated to the pursuit of excellence, a Yankee
forever."

On a personal note, I love Don Mattingly. He is my favorite Yankee of all time and the reason I started liking the Yankees in the first place. I saw him at training camp in 1991 and he gave me a baseball which he then signed a few hours later. I was seven years old then, 24 now, and that ball still adorns my dresser.

God Bless the Yankees, God Bless Don Mattingly, and God Bless these United States of America.

Doug Gottlieb: A Poor Man's Jeremy Schaap?

Yanks Settle With Nady

First from MLBTR, The Yanks avoided going to arbitration with Xavier Nady by settling with him for $6.55M. PeteAbe points out that he nearly doubled up his salary. It's a little higher than most of the estimates I heard before, but no so much that it will affect his trade value.

Good for you, X. You rode that extremely high BABIP you had last year into the best season of your career. Your .305 batting average was .25 higher than your next closest season. Your OPS+ was 128, 19 points greater than any other year. Unfortunately for the team you end up playing for, you're probably coming back down to earth in 2009.

[Update: 6:45] Melky Cabrera has also settled with the Yanks for $1.4M. Only Brian Bruney remains.

National Non-Productivity Hour [Non-Sports]

I know everyone watched the Inauguration just now. A few (apolitical) things.

Seriously, what the fuck is this? CNN, how does this make you any money? Yay, we can all comment on each other's Facebook status!!1!1! Not sure if you can read it, but one of my Facebook "friends" is saying that Biden's wife is hot and two people are agreeing with him.

Did you know that Rick Warren's Saddleback Church is located on Brokeback Mountain? True story...

Good to see Dick Cheney in a wheelchair. Pretty apt metaphor for how the previous administration left the country. Drown in the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool you evil bastard. (oops, was that political?)

The song that Yo Yo Ma and Itzhak Pearlman played was called "Air and Simple Gifts"? Wow. If you are going to write a song with no words for a specific event, don't you think the title should at least have a tangential reference to the proceedings? That sounds like the intro song for a Lifetime movie. And also, that guy on the clarinet couldn't hold Kenny G's jock (panties). If anyone talks to him, please tell him he was awesome in Season 2 of The Wire for me.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The black Andy Rooney...

The Next Great Debate

Yes, the "Next Great Debate" (that's sure to be played out by the time I'm done writing this post.)



What position would LeBron play if he was in the NFL?

In that freeze frame above, it looks like he's lined up wide, but #23 is a RB's number. He's listed at 6'8" 240 or 250 (or 6'9" 270). We'll go with 6'8" 250, close enough. He could be a defensive end, but he's probably not quite bulky enough. He could be a linebacker, but I don't think he's mean enough. I think most people agree that he should be on the offensive side of the ball at a skill position. It basically boils down to RB or WR.

Am I the only person in the world who thinks that LeBron should be a running back?

There is one thing every single person who disagrees with me says: "He's too big". Is he? Being large in and of itself is not a bad thing, it's a good thing. It's the things that come along with being unnaturally massive that those doubters are referring to. Freakishly tall people's bodies break down because our infrastructure just wasn't made to support that much weight, except in very rare cases like LeBron, who I assume was genetically engineered in a laboratory under the NBA headquarters on Madison Avenue. The thing that makes him such a transcendent athlete is that he has the quickness and agility of someone much smaller than him.

The tallest RB in the NFL right now is Brandon Jacobs (6'4" 264), and truth be told, LeBron would be tied for the tallest WR ever in the NFL with Harold Carmichael. Kobe recently claimed he could play wide receiver for the Eagles (via Deadspin). I'm not sure I've ever heard of that franchise, but I agree with that casting. Kobe (6'6" 205, er 220?) [Ed note: Can we get these fuckers on a scale and get this straight?] is built a lot more like Randy Moss (6'4" 210) than LeBron is. He's lean and graceful, and could never take the pounding necessary to carry the ball even 10 or 15 times a game. LeBron is a whole lot sturdier than Kobe.

What it really comes down to is the injury factor. If LeBron could stay healthy as a RB he would be more valuable that he would at WR. It's almost exactly the same conundrum you have with Joba Chamberlain. In both cases, you have a freakishly gifted athlete who could probably play two different roles. The more valuable one seems like it would create a greater potential for injury.

Running backs get hit almost everytime they carry the ball, but at the same time, they have more control over how they get hit. You rarely see a RB take a crushing blow (Willis MaGahee not withstanding). They develop a sense of how to cushion the blows, while a wide receiver can get blindsided going over the middle in a way a running back is rarely going to. LeBron is tremendously shifty for a guy his size and would be extremely hard to tackle. Evidenced by his incredible passing ability on the hardwood, he's the great vision and awareness necessary to find seams in defenses.

Brandon Jacobs runs a 4.56 40 yard dash and on a basketball court, he'd probably lumber down the floor like a C or a PF. LeBron blasts down the floor to the tune of a 4.4 40 and runs the break like a PG. Please direct your attention to the video below and then tell me King James couldn't blow open any counter rush or screen pass and take it to the house.

Pettitte Ultimatum Must Be Issued

I have had it with Andy Pettitte.

This guy thinks he deserves more than $10MM, given his August/September splits and the current state of the economy? Ridiculous. Andy, you have made $108,082,416 in your lifetime (not including endorsements). What the fack is a few million? Seriously. If you truly cared about the Yankees and pitching in the new Yankee Stadium you would have signed by now. But it is now clear that you do not and all you care about is money.

Spare me this loyalty crap. The Yankees handled your HGH/Mitchell report affair with grace. If the Yankees had any true principle, they wouldn't even consider bringing back an admitted steroids user.

If you are so valuable then why haven't other teams signed you?

Screw the Hendricks Brothers. They already made out like bandits from the ridiculous Clemens comeback contract.

Brian Cashman needs to issue an ultimatum. Sign by a particular date or be gone. The emotions of Yankees fans notwithstanding, the team will not be losing much. You can be easily replaced. Anybody can put up a 5.00 ERA, including those who make the league minimum.

[Ed. Note: According to MLBTR, for $2M more than what Pettitte is asking ($16M), you could get two years of Ben Sheets]