Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity [Part I]

[For much of the 2009 season, the Eagles have been an afterthought to the Giants and their fanbase. After the Week 10 victory, the Giants were 8-1 and on the fast track to the #1 seed in the NFC, while the Eagles were 5-4 and trying to collect themselves for a second half run.

When they met in Week 13, the Giants clinched the NFC East despite a 20-14 loss. Maybe the Super Bowl victory took some of the edge off of our antipathy towards the team that traditionally takes top billing as the most hated divisional rival. Maybe it's because the Cowboys with all their "superstars" and drama became the primary targets of Giants' fan disdain.

As a result, we have decided to provide some kindling for the hot coals of contempt for the Eagles that smolder deep within each Giants fan with a special several-part Fack Youk presentation: Inspire The Ire: Eagles Enmity]

[Part I - By: Jay]

If you've gone out drinking on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, there's a chance you've been to Bourbon Street. If you've ever gone out drinking anywhere, you've almost definitely been to a place just like it.

It's your prototypical dive bar, with ladies undergarments stapled to the ceiling and kitchy signs and antiquey-looking trash hung on the wall like its some sort of R-Rated Applebee's. The playlist every Friday and Saturday night consists of the same cliched 80's songs like "Livin' On a Prayer", "Jessie's Girl" and "I Love Rock and Roll". In fact, they even do a cut rate Coyote Ugly imitation to "Pour Some Sugar On Me", where the female bartenders pour shots of some brightly colored vodka combination down patrons' gullets at a specific time every weekend night (I couldn't tell you exactly what time, for a variety of reasons).

I may or may not have stumbled out of there few years ago on New Years Day at about 9AM. It's the rare kind of place in NYC that actually has good specials like 50 cent (12 oz.) Bud drafts every Thursday and Friday from 9 to 11. The place does have some uses.

One of those uses is for watching football. They have a ton of TVs, and if you get there fairly early on a Sunday, you can grab a stool at the bar or a seat at a table with a perfect view of a TV with your team's game on it. They don't make their own food, so they allow you to bring your own in, and the Bud Lights are $3. If you want to watch some football at a bar and not spend a ton of money, it's a excellent option.

During Week 11, Sampson and I journeyed up to 79th & Amsterdam to catch the Giants play the Ravens. We got there sufficiently early and grabbed a high top table underneath a few TVs and across from the biggest screen the Giants game was being shown on. As it turns out, the Eagles game was on one of the TVs above our heads.

If you'll recall, in Week 11, the Eagles played the Bengals. As the Giants were running over the Ravens, the Eagles game got off to a slow start, and the Philly fans clustered around the TV were pretty quiet. After a scoreless first quarter, a wiry guy with long-ish hair wearing a Brian Westbrook jersey and a winter hat sauntered in. He looked like a pretty chill guy, like someone who might listen to Phish while driving around in his 1992 Jeep Cherokee Laredo.

Not so much. This dude was one of the biggest assholes I have ever viewed a sporting event at a bar in the presence of. As soon as he got there, he was screaming at the TV, calling out individual defensive backs like, "What the FUCK, Lito Sheppard?!?". He coined an amazingly uncreative nickname for Donovan McNabb, "Donovan McShit". He wouldn't fucking stop. Every play was "What a FUCKING terrible play call Mornhinweg!", or "Andy Reid, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!" He was knowledgeable, I suppose...

If you want to yell at the TV in the comfort of your own home, in the company of friends, by all means, go to town. If you are the angry type of fan who thinks they should be calling the plays, and you are smarter than everyone in the organization, let it out. Maybe if Andy Reid was my coach and Donovan McNabb my QB, I might be the same way. But Jesus-fucking-Christ, how little dignity must you have, to yell this shit at the top of your lungs in a bar in a city which your team is not even based?

Anyway, after the Giants game was over, the Eagles and Bengals were just heading into overtime, and the bartender switched the TV we were watching over to the Eagles game. Honestly, watching McNabb spike screen passes at Westbrook's feet and get called for a delay of game in OT, I thought, "Maybe this asshole has a point".

In an ending that I couldn't have scripted better myself, the game concluded in an orgasmically (for me) anticlimactic tie and Angry Winter Hat Dude stomped out of the bar and shot Sampson and I a sneer as we laughed out loud.

Guess where we are watching the game on Sunday. I really hope he's there.

Fuck the Philly, the Eagles, their fans, their damaged landmarks, their disgusting "cheese" "steaks" and everything about that godforsaken city except Ben Franklin, Cliff and Always Sunny.

A Few Good Reasons To Read 'The Sports Hernia'

I'm not sure how many of you subscribe to or stop by The Sports Hernia Blog on a regular basis. It's usually not much more than a photo and a hilarious caption, but it's almost always laugh out loud funny.

Here are some selected recent posts:

Knicks studio guy is as confused as his hair
NBC to nation: The Dumbest GM of All-Time is still smarter than anyone we have in studio
Colt McCoy's sister revels in his failures
Gumbel to Sager: "I'm coming for ya"
Belichick placed in customary storage room until August

Some older ones:
Report: Marc Iavaroni apparently trapped inside haunted house at all times
NFL Network interviews Chad, Chad, Chad and Chad
First grader manages to get Erin Andrews more excited than you ever will
NBA All-Transvestite Team finally revealed
S.S.H.L.S.* spotted at Fenway
Andy Reid...
Time for the asshat mailbag
Doc & Darryl suddenly intrigued by Yankee baseball
Elfish dork literally feeds off buzz of the crowd
Cashman explains "the move" to A-Rod
A-Rod applauds as Yanks break ground on new team day spa
State Trooper Giambi makes triumphant return

And my all-time favorite:
Joba Chamberlain continues to disgrace the game with his wild celebration antics

Athletes Get Away With (Attempted) Murder

Does anyone remember when that really good wide receiver got arrested for shooting a gun and almost killing someone?
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No, not that one. The other one.
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I said wide receiver, not cornerback.

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That's the one!

Here is the short of it.

Last April in Philly, Harrison (allegedly) shot someone outside of a bar that he owned called Playmakers. At least five shots were fired from a "custom Belgian handgun" and ballistics testing conclusively linked shell casings found at the scene to a gun registered to Harrison. The gun was found stashed down the street in a car wash that Harrison also owned.

The DA is not pursuing charges any further, saying the witnesses gave "multiple, mutually exclusive, and inherently untrustworthy and false statements" (meaning Harrison probably paid them off).

[The DA] Abraham's announcement stunned Robert Gamburg, the attorney who's representing Dixon's civil suit against the Indianapolis Colts wide receiver. "It's mind-boggling," Gamburg said. "I can name 15 district attorneys who would have been more than willing to go to court with the evidence they had and present the case."

Opting not to file criminal charges because of credibility issues "would eliminate about 85 percent of the murder prosecutions in the city of Philadelphia," Gamburg added.

Now, this got swept under the rug pretty quickly last spring and this is the first I am hearing from it since. I recall on more than one occasion asking whoever I was watching football with this season "didn't Harrison shoot someone, how the fuck is he not in jail?" Another quote from the DA:

"I'm pretty comfortable that I know who fired the gun, but I'm not going to say
because I don't have the evidence," she said.

As a semi-law abiding citizen I have to say, What the fuck?

As a life-long 'Cuse fan, and subsequently a huge Harrison fan, I can only assume that the DA saw that a man from such a prestigious and successful university could never commit such atrocities. I think I'll stick with that one.

Thanks Mrs. Teix!

Shysterball doesn't make too much of the cute story that Mrs. Teixeira's input was the "deciding factor" for Mark to come to the Yankees. He says:

I suppose it's entirely possible that Leigh Teixeira was the driving force behind the Yankees landing their new slugger. I suppose that to some it might even matter. I also suppose, however, that if I wanted to change the subject from a contentious negotiation with the Red Sox and a media firestorm about the size of my contract in these tough economic times that I might float the story that my wife made the call so I don't look so damn mercenary about it. A new angle on Mike Hampton's "I'm signing with the Rockies because the schools in Denver are good" if you will.

That makes a lot of sense. Listening to the press conference, Teix seems like a really positive genuine kind of a dude, so I'd like to take what he says at face value, but he is a Boras client.

I know nothing about Mrs. Teixeira, except that her first name is Leigh, but let's not discount her opinion as frivolous either. Maybe she was thinking about more than just school districts and the colors of the uniform. Mark did have to choose between several fairly close options, and perhaps it really his wife's vote that pushed it over the top. Here is a short list of things, that if she was thinking at all about Mark's career, she would have taken into account (aside from the $20 million more than the Angels & $10 million more than the Red Sox):

1. The acquisition of CC Sabathia
2. Sharing the infield with Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter and Robinson Cano
3. The acquisition of AJ Burnett
4. A chance to win a World Series now (as opposed to the Nationals)
5. The steady revenue stream provided by the New Yankee Stadium
6. The size of the New York market and the Yankees' nationwide fan base
7. His childhood idolization of Don Mattingly
8. The history of the organization

And also

• Brain Cashman's Twisted Sister video montage
• The Squirrel
• No Boston fans
• No dumbass waterfall in CF
• No fans having trouble getting rid of their tickets... for free.

Welcome to town, Mrs. T! You made a good choice.

[Note: In no way did Mrs. T's resemblance to Reese Witherspoon encourage me to write this post]

Eagles Injury Report

In NFL news that people actually give a shit about, the following is the Eagles injury report (the ones that matter anyway).

Brian Westbrook, RB - Sore knee

No Surprise, he has been banged up all season and will obviously play. And most likely torch AP on every possible play. I would say AP should hire Jeff Gillooly to assist him in stopping Westbrook, but AP's (and Jeff's) track record in covering up crimes isn't the best.

Dan Klecko, FB - Shoulder Contusion

This forced Buckhalter play FB last week. If it happens this week it could be a major hitch in their running game going against the Giant's front 4.

Jon Runyan, OT - Knee Sprain

He will play, but will definitely be sore... McNabb better be able to get rid of the ball quickly because Tuck can run circles around a 100% healthy Runyan.

Asante Samuel, CB - Hip Strain (will play)

You can strain a hip?

Andy Reid, Head Coach - Severe Obesity

I think Andy will be able to take the reins, but he may need a Hoveround.

Jags & Jets [Breaking News]

Via the National Football Post, Jeff Jagodzinski has interviewed with the Jets. (Thanks Google Reader!)

[Update: 7:58] Newsday is saying the same thing, but ESPN has yet to latch on. It will be interesting to see how this develops.

[Update: 8:13] WBZTV in Boston has the BC side of the story, but nothing new. DiFilippo is waiting to hear from Jagodzinski on whether or not the meeting occurred.

[Update: 8:41] Hey, look everyone, it's the Boston Herald! Welcome to the party.

[Update: 10:35] And finally, ESPN.

I'm done with this post.

Fair And Balanced

There has been a lot of Boston-centric content on the site today, and I just wanted to level it out a bit.

Yup. That's better.

The Greatest Sports List Ever

List of things that are relevant in the sports world...
1) Yankees/NY Giants
2) 'Cuse Basketball
3) NBA 2k9 (XBox 360)
...
...
15,387,623) NY Liberty
...
22,341,587) Rest of the WNBA
...
...
89,357,689) San Antonio Spurs (They are boring as fuck to watch)
...
100,000,000) Driving golf balls into traffic
...
...
...
458,954,484) Dallas Cowboys
458,954,485) Boston Bruins
458,954,486) St. Pius X 25yr old+ Basketball Tuesday and Thursday nights
458,954,487) Curves Monday Night Palates Class (I like fat women, what do you want from me?)
458,954,488) Red Sox
458,954,489) BC (BC is gay)

Heist of the Century

With the Indians signing of Carl "American Idle" Pavano, Cash has effectively indirectly traded Pavano (valueless) for Sabathia (most valued free agent arm) without giving up any top prospects. Mark Shapiro got suckered. Job well done! Show me any GM who can beat that...

Celtics Want To Get In The Truck?

As Brendan noted this morning, some sources are indicating that Stephon Marbury might be joining the Celtics once the Knicks finally end their messy divorce. I am sure my reaction is similar to almost everyone else; what the fuck are the Celtics thinking?

Granted, he is probably still a pretty good player (who really knows though, since he hasn't donned an NBA jersey almost a year) and will probably play for the league minimum (since he will probably still be collecting close to the league maximum from the Knicks). But do the Celtics really want a guy who has never won a playoff series, forced his way out of almost every city he has played in and hated almost every coach he has ever had? As much as I hate it, the Celtics seem to have a pretty good thing going and I do not see any positive out of bringing in a guy like Stephon Marbury, especially when he will only be getting 15 minutes a game.

That being said, if he brings down a Boston team, I am all for it!

BC Is Gay

As you may know, I fucking hate Boston College with a passion. I have hated them long before Joe even thought about joining the inner circle of fagdom that is the BC student body.

It all started about 16 years ago when I was 8 and my father decided to get the family season tickets to Syracuse Football. We held on to these tickets for about 8 years, until my father decided to stop getting them the season after McNabb graduated (what a fucking brilliant move that was). The point is that since I was a young lad I have watched Cuse v. BC, both in Cuse and Boston and have a built in hatred for BC. This hatred dates back to before I even started hating the Red Sox.

In 2004, BC (along with a few others the year before) decided to leave the Big East to go to the ACC. What a fucking terrible move this was on their part. Granted Big East football isn't that good right now, but 3 of our 4 best football programs went to the ACC and look at what they are doing: Shitting the bed left and right (see: The U).

At this point I would like to un-misremember BC's last Big East football game in 2004. They were a power house in the Big East that year and all they had to do was beat lowly little Syracuse University at home to win the Big East and go on to a BCS game. In true Boston fashion, they came in and got fucking worked by Cuse the entire game and lost 43-17 and the Big East ended in a 4 way tie. So instead of going to a BCS Game, BC had the privilege of going to the Continental Tire Bowl.

Now, in my opinion the ACC was the best conference in basketball before this move, but the times they are a changing. The ACC is still pretty good, but in no way compares to the Big East. Yes I know there are 16 teams, BUT 9 OF THEM ARE IN THE TOP 25!!!

I have some more points but I am sick of thinking about this fucking awful city, fan base, and student body. And you know what, fuck their academic departments too. I am sure they have wonderful, highly ranked programs, but who really gives a fuck.

Also, as I write, Cuse is ranked #9 in NCAAM.

Baseball's Real Anti-Christ Dies

Carl Pohlad, billionaire, cheapskate and worst owner in the MLB died yesterday. According to 2008 rankings by Forbes.com, Pohlad’s net worth of $3.6 billion was 102nd in the nation. Still, his teams often had some of the lowest payrolls in baseball.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig called Pohlad “a true leader in our sport for the past 25 years.”

“Since the day Carl Pohlad entered Major League Baseball, he made significant contributions to our game,” Selig said. “His devotion to the Minnesota Twins, the Twin Cities and Major League Baseball was remarkable. In my long career, I have never met a more loyal and caring human being.

Gotta love Selig's crap.

Significant contributions to baseball? Name one.

Loyal? Twins fans hated him.

Caring? Put your money where your mouth is.

“I live and die by every pitch,” Pohlad once told the Minneapolis Star Tribune. “I want so badly for them to win. ... If it isn’t competitive and you don’t have a team with character, it won’t be any fun.”

Pohlad had volunteered his team as a contraction candidate in return for a $150 million buyout from his fellow owners.

The Twins got the go-ahead from the state in 2006 for a $522 million stadium paid for mostly by a county sales tax. Pohlad's contribution was about $130 million.

Instead of putting revenue sharing money back into the organization, Pohlad pocketed it.

Twins fans should be rejoicing right now. There can be no worse owner than Pohlad.

Everybody loves to criticize the Steinbrenner family for their spending. But as Jay has previously stated, they put a quality product on the field for they fans, are not afraid to spend the extra few bucks and spends THEIR money, not the public's, on their ball team.

Contrary to what everybody says, this is a great day for baseball.

Cashman Crossing T's, Dotting I's

Benjamin Disraeli once said, "It is easier to be critical than right." Ironically, when ripping on Peter Abraham's pinch hitter, I was also doing it in the "easiest, laziest" way possible. In light of this, here are a few points I'd like to make in favor of moves Cashman has made this offseason.

Lost in the juxtaposition of Yankees' splashy free agent acquisitions and the general timidity with which GM's around the league have approached this offseason, has been Brian Cashman's attention to detail. Sure, Cashman has financial resources that other GM's do not, but he's also paying attention to the little things just as much as an executive of a small or mid-market team would.

Remember this move? The Yankees sold the rights to Darrell Rasner to the Tohoku Rakuten Golden Eagles of the Japanese Pacific League for $1M. Aside from that cool million, the Yankees are off the hook for Rasner's salary (maybe another $500K?). The move also works out nicely for Rasner, who also has a chance to make up to three times what his salary would have been if he stayed in the MLB and will have a chance to pitch against weaker hitters than in the AL East. I think Cashman realized that it would be better for both parties to ship Rasner to the Pacific Rim, and saved a million and a half bones in the process. At a time when the Red Sox broke some unwritten rules and signed Junichi Tazawa, Cashman has maintained a more amicable relationship with Japan.

In trading for Nick Swisher, Cash picked up an underrated guy coming off of a terrible season for marginal bench guy Wilson Betemit, and B-level minor league prospects Jeff Marquez and Johnny Nunez. A corollary to this, I believe, is that proclaiming Swisher as their starting first baseman, quieted the "Teixeira To Yanks!" rumors enough for them to swoop in at the last minute, under nearly every one's radar.

Cashman also declined to offer arbitration to Andy Pettitte, Bobby Abreu and Pudge Rodriguez before it was apparent just how far teams would cut back spending this year. If they had offered arbitration to any of those players, they all almost certainly would have accepted, leaving the Yanks with too many catchers or outfielders or Andy Pettitte for over $16M. A less conscientious GM might not have gauged the market correctly, leaving the Yanks with untrade-ably expensive spare parts.

When Cashman signed his 3 year $6M extension at the end of September and went on the New York talk radio circuit, he had an edge in his voice. It seemed like he was out to correct the public perception that because of the massive payroll, anyone could GM the Yanks.

I think he's the perfect, and possibly the only guy for the job. Cashman is entrenched in the organization (an employee since he was 19) and has shown the ability to manage the sometimes unwieldy undercurrents of the front office. Do you think a new GM could have understood the complicated dynamics existing between Hal, Hank, an aging George and Randy Levine (more on him soon) quickly enough to get as much accomplished as they have this offseason? I would tend to think not.