Red Sox Looking To Improve Depth At Unbearable Asshole

According to reports from Ed Price, Ken Rosenthal, Jayson Stark and Buster Onley, the Red Sox have given a physical to and are close to signing a deal with former Angels pitcher and notorious douchebag John Lackey. The deal is assumed to be in the same neighborhood as the one the Yankees extended to A.J. Burnett last offseason - 5 years and over $80M.

"He's just the kind of prick they are looking for, but it doesn't look like the deal will be completed until tomorrow at the earliest" said a league official with knowledge of the negotiations.

The Red Sox have long led the league in such categories as Demonstrative Home Run Celebrations, Verbal Umpire Abuse, Unprovoked Mound Charges and Intra-Team Dugout Scuffles, but their depth at the position of Unbearable Asshole had recently grown thin with the departure of Manny Ramirez.

Of course, the Red Sox still have consummate dickfaces Kevin Youkilis, Josh Beckett, J.D. Drew, Jason Varitek and Dustin Pedroia but the presence of semi-likable Canadian Jason Bay and former Yankee Mike Lowell had made them nearly tolerable to opposing fans and players.

The acquisition of the shit-talking crybaby Lackey, who some are intimating would preclude them from signing Jason Bay would be a major step towards restoring the culture of rampant fuckfacery in the halcyon days of Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, Kevin Millar, Nomar Garciparra, Wil Cordero, Jose Offerman and Ugeth Urbina.

Another source with familiarity of the Red Sox specific brand of thuggery said "It's going to be nearly impossible to find players who will eventually go on to attack people with bats or attempt set them on fire, but their previous acquisition of that wife beater [Julio] Lugo and the emphasis on signing Lackey over [Jason] Bay shows that they are certainly heading in the right direction".

One player who is reportedly upset with the deal is Jonathan Papelbon who rightly believes that it threatens his position as the undisputed biggest fucking asshole on the team.

More on this as it develops.

Fly With The RockTwit

According to an article published in the Daily News, you can do just that.

The "Sports I-Team", the same investigative group who put together "American Icon: The Fall of Roger Clemens and the Rise of Steroids in America's Pastime" are reporting that Roger Clemens is now on Twitter, dropping gems like this one:

Like a courtroom? Sounds like The Rocket, I guess...

As someone who has been fooled by a fake Twitter account in the past, color me skeptical. In the article, the News quoted a "spokesperson who requested anonymity". Think about that for a second. A spokesperson who requested anonymity. I would be embarrassed to say I had anything to do with Clemens' PR as of late, but it sounds pretty dubious.

The account isn't verified and despite being around since June 17th, it only has 478 followers as of 1:00PM on 9/19/09.

Looking through his 134 tweets, none are to other well known people. Wouldn't the real Rocket be talking to some of his ex-teammates or celebrity friends who also have Twitter accounts? Does he just not have any friends anymore? Or is it a fake person who would have their cover blown by trying to talk to someone Clemens actually knows?

Could the "Sports I-Team" really fuck up this badly? Is this a shrewd move by the Clemens camp to feed the Daily News false information as a way of discrediting them? Could they be that calculating? Could the News be that lazy not to verify this with multiple sources? Maybe they just don't understand Twitter.

Who is the real "ASS CLOWN" here?

Attention Comerica Park Grounds Crew...

...How about you close that fucking gate?

As awesome as it would be for one of our players to get injured because you morons don't understand how to work a latch, could you please make sure there are no functioning trap doors on the field of play?

For future reference: