Monday, December 14, 2009

Red Sox Looking To Improve Depth At Unbearable Asshole

According to reports from Ed Price, Ken Rosenthal, Jayson Stark and Buster Onley, the Red Sox have given a physical to and are close to signing a deal with former Angels pitcher and notorious douchebag John Lackey. The deal is assumed to be in the same neighborhood as the one the Yankees extended to A.J. Burnett last offseason - 5 years and over $80M.

"He's just the kind of prick they are looking for, but it doesn't look like the deal will be completed until tomorrow at the earliest" said a league official with knowledge of the negotiations.

The Red Sox have long led the league in such categories as Demonstrative Home Run Celebrations, Verbal Umpire Abuse, Unprovoked Mound Charges and Intra-Team Dugout Scuffles, but their depth at the position of Unbearable Asshole had recently grown thin with the departure of Manny Ramirez.

Of course, the Red Sox still have consummate dickfaces Kevin Youkilis, Josh Beckett, J.D. Drew, Jason Varitek and Dustin Pedroia but the presence of semi-likable Canadian Jason Bay and former Yankee Mike Lowell had made them nearly tolerable to opposing fans and players.

The acquisition of the shit-talking crybaby Lackey, who some are intimating would preclude them from signing Jason Bay would be a major step towards restoring the culture of rampant fuckfacery in the halcyon days of Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, Kevin Millar, Nomar Garciparra, Wil Cordero, Jose Offerman and Ugeth Urbina.

Another source with familiarity of the Red Sox specific brand of thuggery said "It's going to be nearly impossible to find players who will eventually go on to attack people with bats or attempt set them on fire, but their previous acquisition of that wife beater [Julio] Lugo and the emphasis on signing Lackey over [Jason] Bay shows that they are certainly heading in the right direction".

One player who is reportedly upset with the deal is Jonathan Papelbon who rightly believes that it threatens his position as the undisputed biggest fucking asshole on the team.

More on this as it develops.

41 comments:

  1. One player who is reportedly upset with the deal is Jonathan Papelbon who rightly believes that it threatens his position as undisputed biggest fucking asshole on the team.

    Nails. Absolutely fucking nails. Fuck the Red Sox. (Fuck the Yankees, too, but to a lesser degree than the Red Sox.)

    Well done, boys.

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  2. Eric Gallagher12/14/09, 4:02 PM

    Now that is what I call thoughtful analysis!

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  3. William Hosking12/14/09, 4:14 PM

    you forgot to mention that the sox signed boof bonser, and that anyone named boof must be an asshole

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  4. William:

    1). I don't know what you have against the chick from Teenwolf, but "Boof" is an awesome name.

    2). I don't know that we should start critizing other people's nicknames "Billy Jr"

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  5. This is brilliant. Fuck the Red Sux!

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  6. Man, that's facking awesome. You guys ruuuuuullllllleeeeee. You's imagination no's know facking bounds.

    Girardi, O'Neil, Rodriguez, Posada, Farnsworth, Sturtz, Burnett, Sheffield, Chamberlain... Mrs. Teixeira is nice, though.

    Entertaining as always.

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  7. Brien Jackson12/14/09, 5:07 PM

    The Red Sox give 1-2 pitcher money to add a guy they don't need and cost themselves a bat when they need more offense. On top of that, Halladay leaves the AL East, but Philly has to ship Lee out to do it, making it a marginal upgrade, at least for this season.

    The Yankees; we win when we make deals, we win when everyone else makes deals.

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  8. One of the best Fack Youk posts ever!

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  9. Maybe the Sox should just outspend the rest of baseball by $80 million like another franchise. Sorry yankz fans, you may have to keep spending to buy number 28. lol.

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  10. A team with a $200 million payroll every year and their fans are complaining about free agent signings. Pretty funny stuff.

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  11. Another $70 million or so in signings and the Sox will be on par with the Yankees. Can the Yankees buy number 28 this year? We'll see.

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  12. Culp's Palmball12/14/09, 6:11 PM

    I love the Red sox. But that was one fucking funny post. Well done.

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  13. Sox trolls, got to love 'em.

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  14. Thank you very much.

    The Onion is jealous.

    Anonymous: are you commenting using a manual typewriter where you have to hit the carriage return after each thought? The amazing part is that after each thought you decided to do another which was pretty much the same as the previous but worded differently. At one point I thought maybe someone was doing it on purpose to show how fucking unoriginal a Red Sox fan could be, but realized you can't "try" to do that, it just happens with fans like yourself. Your comments were the cherry on top of this excellent post. Fack you very much.

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  15. ha ha ha

    love being trashed for the right reason

    tools

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  16. Lackey is good, but this post is better.

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  17. Very funny, Jay.

    Lackey is good, and Boston's rotation just improved considerably--and yes, Boston needed to improve the rotation--but they still have issues with the offense. Good luck replacing Bay's productivity with Cameron, a sharp defensive outfielder to play left, but a guy who won't match Bay's HR or RBI, just the K's. If they want Adrian Gonzales, they'll need to give up Buchholz, Kelly, and another prospect, something they were unwilling to do for Halliday.

    Not complaining about Boston's moves, Anonymous gutless poster, just pointing out the obvious. And the last I checked, players don't play for gratis, hugs, or simply the love of the game. They get paid, and better the players get it than the collective, greedy lot of owners any day. Oh, tadthebd, O'Neill has two "l's."

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  18. The Yankees have only one WS since steroid testing began at the end of 2003 (we all know their success in the 90's was due to the roid guys) and it took a half billion in payroll additions to get that ring. Looks like Theo is ramping up to beat Cashman with less payroll again. lol at the yanks.

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  19. Lackey is good, and this post is better, but Anonymous has made my day.

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  20. Truth hurts, huh kids? ROFLMFAO!

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  21. "The Yankees have only one WS since steroid testing began at the end of 2003 (we all know their success in the 90's was due to the roid guys)..."

    What "roid guys"? Jeter? Mariano? Scott Brosius? (If he was on steroids, he should ask for his money back.)

    Oh, and David Ortiz and Manny were on steroids too, dolt.

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  22. Perfect analysis. Keep up the good work.

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  23. Wow, Jay... when did the Sox trolls come back? One big trade for them and they're coming out from under the Longfellow?

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  24. Oh, and I was actually getting to the point where I was coming for the analysis. Good to see the vulgarity side back and on the money.

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  25. Also...

    "Looks like Theo is ramping up to beat Cashman with less payroll again. lol at the yanks."

    I'm pretty sure he got Lackey by gasp spending money, and that's how he's gonna get Cameron too. LOL at the Yanks? Sure, we're only World Champions.

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  26. How the hell is Curt Schilling not on your list?

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  27. To have inspired this from Yankees loyalists only confirms what I suspected...good move!!!

    Have we forgotten the collection of consumate assholes the Yankees have put together: ARod (Case Closed!), Clemens, Damon, Paulie O'"my vagina hurts" Neill. How about a taste of homegrown douchebaggery: , Joba "The Gut" Chamberlain.

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  28. I'm not done...

    While the list is not near complete I have to mention Sheffield.

    Nothing says asshole like Steinbrenner! Thankfuly George convinced some poor woman to squat in his gene pool and squeeze out a few turds for the amusement future generations.

    But it doesn't stop there. In a nod to Central Casting, who could possibly be the voice for this supreme compilation of refuse. Ladies and Gentlemen I bring you Susyn Waldman (only a douchebag would spell it that way) and John Sterling. I have to thank Susyn for the line that confirmed so many suspicions for me: "Roger Clemens is in George's box"

    "Well Suzyn, in life all good things come to an end.”- John Sterling

    Bye Fackers

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  29. Jay, seriously, that was priceless. It's been ages since something I read made me truly laugh out loud.

    Adding this to my list of "shit I wish I thought to write/say".

    BRILLIANT

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  30. Oh man, I just went back to read about Youk charging the mound on Porcello and couldn't resist the comments left by angry Bahston fans. I have to hand it to them... no other fans in baseball can defend their own team and just make themselves look like bigger idiots than they can.

    Every other team talks about how good their own team is, while only the Massholes seem to rip on other teams. I almost never hear support for Bahston. Even after 2004, I only ever hear them say "The Yankees choked" and not "The Sox beat the Yankees"!!! Hahaha, you idiots can't even give your own damn team credit!! And hey, when you want to trash NY... if you can be witty about it and funny and not just use "fack" and "Yankees Suck" and claim gay relationships between players... you might get more respect or at least a laugh. Us Yankees can actually laugh at ourselves.

    Oh, go ahead and keep bringing up steroids too. No one cares anymore. Plus, your beloved Mitchell report basically came from a Fenway exec. Big surprise no Masshole names were leaked. Chickenshits.

    Jay - I love how you used "fuckfacery". New favorite word. This was spot on. I love it how the players I hate (Bay aside) somehow manage to end up in red. Cluster all those teabaggers haha! You KNEW Jason bay wouldn't stay.

    Lastly - wouldn't it be great if the critics had enough marbles to post a profile instead of staying "Anonymous". You guys have plenty to say but too scared to put your name to your comments. You think Rick Porcello is reading this and taking note of who to bean next?

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  31. That would be "We" Yankee fans...I'm just sayin'

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  32. Kevin - just trying to relate. :-)

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  33. Hey Kevin, it's not like those "consummate assholes" Damon and Clemens were ever on the Red Sox or anything. (Also, Damon? Aw, c'mon. He's just a doof. I didn't mind Damon even when he was on Boston.)

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  34. We had the sense to let 'em go. I'll give you "doof" but he made so many Anti-Yankee statements while he was a Red Sox but had no proble swapping out the laundry when they backed up the truck. Hypocrite = Asshole. He actually said he'd never play for the Yankees.

    As far as Clemens, he went on to really distinguish himself as an asshole after leaving Boston. We only got a glimpse of his potential.

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  35. Jay you hit the home run here you can tell by the sux fans responses.
    Oh and Youck is worse than manny could ever be cry baby ! stop crying to the umps and go sit down fugly.

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  36. Clemens pitched his best games once he left Bahston. It was your front office who decided not to resign him after he won the AL MVP and Cy Young. He was only 24!!! How do you let him walk? Thats on you guys.

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  37. Absolutely facking hilarious! I'm glad I stopped by this afternoon before the end of work!

    The post is funnier with the moronic comments by the Sawx fans. They can't take a joke and have a little fun, instead they get all defensive and nasty....they're just jealous they didn't write anything as awesome about the Yankees....

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  38. Of course, the Red Sox still have consummate dickfaces Kevin Youkilis, Josh Beckett, J.D. Drew, Jason Varitek and Dustin Pedroia...

    REALLY???

    Is this cuz you realized he's better than Mariano Rivera? Cuz otherwise, I don't see it. The others I see, but Drew? Really?

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  39. Look, I can see why Yankee fans would hate any of those players, but you'd love them in Pinstripes and you know it.

    Not only did I have a little fun...I had a lot of fun!!!!

    Great article nonetheless Jay!

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  40. "Look, I can see why Yankee fans would hate any of those players, but you'd love them in Pinstripes and you know it."

    I'll give you Pedroia because I feel a short-person comraderie with him and I think he's kind of spunky and funny, but not Paps or Beckett (or Schilling). Ewwww.

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