Red Sox Looking To Improve Depth At Unbearable Asshole

According to reports from Ed Price, Ken Rosenthal, Jayson Stark and Buster Onley, the Red Sox have given a physical to and are close to signing a deal with former Angels pitcher and notorious douchebag John Lackey. The deal is assumed to be in the same neighborhood as the one the Yankees extended to A.J. Burnett last offseason - 5 years and over $80M.

"He's just the kind of prick they are looking for, but it doesn't look like the deal will be completed until tomorrow at the earliest" said a league official with knowledge of the negotiations.

The Red Sox have long led the league in such categories as Demonstrative Home Run Celebrations, Verbal Umpire Abuse, Unprovoked Mound Charges and Intra-Team Dugout Scuffles, but their depth at the position of Unbearable Asshole had recently grown thin with the departure of Manny Ramirez.

Of course, the Red Sox still have consummate dickfaces Kevin Youkilis, Josh Beckett, J.D. Drew, Jason Varitek and Dustin Pedroia but the presence of semi-likable Canadian Jason Bay and former Yankee Mike Lowell had made them nearly tolerable to opposing fans and players.

The acquisition of the shit-talking crybaby Lackey, who some are intimating would preclude them from signing Jason Bay would be a major step towards restoring the culture of rampant fuckfacery in the halcyon days of Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, Kevin Millar, Nomar Garciparra, Wil Cordero, Jose Offerman and Ugeth Urbina.

Another source with familiarity of the Red Sox specific brand of thuggery said "It's going to be nearly impossible to find players who will eventually go on to attack people with bats or attempt set them on fire, but their previous acquisition of that wife beater [Julio] Lugo and the emphasis on signing Lackey over [Jason] Bay shows that they are certainly heading in the right direction".

One player who is reportedly upset with the deal is Jonathan Papelbon who rightly believes that it threatens his position as the undisputed biggest fucking asshole on the team.

More on this as it develops.

A.J. Burnett Miiiiight Be Kind Of A Dick

I went back through the RSN (the Blue Jays home network) broadcast of the game last night to get some more background as to what the announcer said about the enthusiasm of the crowd. I let it play out a little bit longer and they pulled a clip out from last July that I either missed when it happened or had completely forgotten about. 

On June 7th, 2008 starting against the Orioles at the Rogers Centre, Burnett gave up 8 runs in 4 1/3 IP and on his way back to the dugout, mockingly doffed his cap to the crowd. Classy. The score was 8-1 at the time and the loss Burnett dropped to 5-6 on the season. If it wasn't less than a year ago, it would be easy to chalk it up to immaturity but this was after he had already spent almost two and a half seasons with Halladay, who had supposedly made much him so much more of a professional. The guys on RSN cited it as a major reason he was getting booed last night.

He wasn't particularly well liked when he was there either, with some claiming that some of the many chunks of time he spent on the DL, he wasn't even injured:

Early in his first season as a Toronto Blue Jay, Burnett became a lightning rod for disappointment, opting to stay on the disabled list despite no physical evidence of injury. And he would stay there for long stretches of his first two years in a Jays uniform. 

I alluded to it last night, but here is the full quote that caused him to miss the his last start of the 2005 season with the Marlins, when he needed to pitch only one inning to reach the 210 mark, triggering a $50,000 bonus: 

We played scared. We managed scared. We coached scared. I'm sick of it, man. It's depressing around here. A 3-0 ballgame, I give up one run and leave guys on base, it's like they expect us to mess up. And when we do, they chew us out. There is no positive, nothing around here for anybody.

Burnett represents the most frustrating type of pitcher, the one with electric stuff but inconsistent performances. He'd throw a shut out one start and get tagged for 8ER the next. All this stuff reminds me how much hatred I put aside when Yankees committed $82.5M to him this offseason.

He sports a pricktastic sneer that makes appear constantly pissed off.  A.J. looks like he would have been the biggest asshole in your entire high school. Yes, it's a pretty superficial judgement to be making, but there isn't a whole lot more we have to go on as fans. A player's on-field demeanor makes up a tremendously large part of your perception of them, whether we like it or not. And it's not like he's done a whole lot in the "Performance" category to make up for that. Of course, if he's dominant his next time out, much of this will be forgotten.