Margaritis, People Who No Longer Exist & The Boat Basin

Today, Large William Steeze, the Frank-a-nation and myself will be making the journey to the New Stadium to see if Chien Ming Wang can make it through the third inning. If it was last year, this would be only one of 13 Saturdays and just one step along the path to rid the Earth of the horrible affliction known as "Margaritis".

(For those unfamiliar, Margaritis is a chorinic infirmity that occurs only in warm weather and is characterized by extreme sobriety. The only cure is Margaritas.)

The reality of getting shut out of the Saturday package is just starting to set in. We only had it for two years, so we have no right to be all up in arms about not being able to renew it. Our friend Nick sat in the same seats everyday for seven years and got cast aside also.

I love the New Stadium and I understand the implications of he price increases. There are fewer seats to begin with, even before you get into the effects of the "relocation". The people who were in the most expensive seats got bumped back, thereby displacing those further back in the field level, which echoed through the mezzanine, into the upper deck, and eventually trickled down to half season packages, 40 & 20 game plans, and at the bottom of the food chain to the poor schlubs like us with weekend deals.

It would be a lot easier to swallow if we didn't have to look at pictures like this, and this, and this, and this, and this, reminding us of the fact that we got fucked for the sake of people who no longer exist. I don't care what Randy Levine says, behind closed doors there is some serious handwringing going on. Over a month ago, we pointed out the fact that the Yankees were getting desperate and saw the writing on the wall.

It's too late now. The Structure That Mariano Rivera Erected has been completed and the prices have been set. Some people (er, corporations) have already bought packages at full prices and I highly doubt that the Yankees are going to piss off their best customers by selling the seats directly next to them at a discount. The bottom line is that, for pretty much every game that doesn't feature the Mets or Red Sox, there are going to be a ton of people like us Fackfaces watching on YES while many of the best seats in the house sit unoccupied.

Hey, there's always next year, right?

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In other, happier news, it's fucking beautiful outside.

Every year, when the weather starts getting nice, people who live above the Tropic of Cancer (or below the Tropic of Capricorn) start asking themselves the same question: "Why do I live in a place where there is Winter, again?" We forget, but once the mercury passes the 60 degree mark, life becomes a whole lot sweeter.

Exhibit A, captured last night:

Oh, the Boat Basin. What would summer on the West Side be without you?

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That's all for now folks. Although I just figured out how to post from my iPhone, so there may or may be some drunken dispatches from Section 416 once game time rolls around.

In the meantime, get out and get some fresh air:

Yankees: "Nothing's F___ed Here, Dude"

Part of an email from New York Yankees Ticket News:

Yankees Seats Between The Bases:

We are happy to announce that a limited number of Season Plan seat locations are now available in select infield seating areas between the bases of the new Yankee Stadium. Season Plans between the bases are the best way to ensure the finest general seat locations for 2009, the inaugural season of the new Yankee Stadium.

Buy Seats Between The Bases Now »

Number One: You are not "happy to announce that a limited number of Season Plan seat locations are now available in select infield seating areas...". Yes, we are thrilled that some of the most expensive seats in our Stadium are still unsold!

"A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY"... you hear that, folks? This reminds me of the infomerical for some shitty gold coin or an Obama plate that they are calling a "collector's item".

"Due to strong demand, there is a limit of two victory plates per caller".

Actually, no. Due to weak demand, you have to advertise. Do people really fall for this shit? I can only buy two??? They must be valuable!!! Nevermind the fact that nothing ever purchased on an infomercial or QVC has ever increased in value. They don't sell things that are rare, or that actual collectors want on TV.

They are even having an Open House so you can select the seats!!!!

A limited number of Field Level seats between the bases and Yankees Premium Season Seat Licenses are still available.

Come to Yankee Stadium to meet with a Yankees Account Representative and view the best available locations, which feature spectacular views and numerous amenities. During the Open House Select a Seat, guests will be able to "try-out" seat locations for all ticket packages, including Full and Partial Plans.

"Try-out"? Does that mean you get to, like, sit in them? Get the Yankees to play an exhibition game for people, and you might get some of them to think about dropping a minimum of $325 per ticket.

Yankees Fan Stabbed, Shot

After years of being forced to wear diapers and walked around on a leash, a sixteen year old Yankees fan named Travis was stabbed several times by his 70 year old female captor (shown below) with a butcher knife, before being shot by police in Stamford, Connecticut at about 3:30PM yesterday.

Travis, an actor who once appeared in an Old Navy commercial with Morgan Fairchild, loved filet mignon, sipping fine wine, flowers, and surfing the internet, but kept a special place in his heart for the New York Yankees.

Some sources say that the recent developments with Alex Rodriguez and his foggy admissions to using performance enhancing drugs pushed the longtime fan over the edge. According to a neighbor he was "visibly and audibly outraged" after Alex failed to apologize to his teammates after his 38 second faux-dramatic pause during yesterday's press conference.

However, according to a friend, yesterday, the day of his rampage, Travis was informed that his Yankees weekend package had been moved to a 12 game weekday package despite his constant calls to the Yankees Ticket Office.

Calls to the Yankee Ticket Office and Alex Rodriguez were not returned.

Here is the chain of events leading up to the tragedy:

[The crazy old woman pictured above] gave him Xanax in tea to quiet him, but [Travis] grabbed the keys to open the kitchen door, went outside and started banging on car doors to indicate he wanted to go for a ride.

Just as [a friend] Nash arrived at the house and exited her vehicle, [Travis] went up to her, jumped on her and began biting and mauling her.

[The crazy lady] retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed [Travis] numerous times in an effort to save Nash, who was really being brutally attacked, and was forced to call the police.

(Here is the 911 call.)

Nash was so disfigured that a cop on the scene mistook her for a man, telling the dispatcher, "He's got no face."

The wounded Travis zeroed in on one cruiser, running to one side and trying to open a locked door. He quickly scooted to the other side, ripping off a side mirror while opening another door.

The trapped cop inside shot Travis several times in self-defense. The mortally wounded ape then staggered back into his house.

I'm angry about A-Rod too, Travis. Our Saturday package is probably going to get bumped and we won't even have anyone to put Xanax in our tea when it happens. It wasn't your time, man. It wasn't supposed to go down like this. Hopefully they've got a nice dry aged filet and a bottle of Mouton Rothschild waiting for you in The Big Jungle In The Sky.

R.I.P. Travis the Chimpanzee [1996-2008]

P.S. You probably shouldn't have bitten that woman's face off.