Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Yankees Fan Stabbed, Shot

After years of being forced to wear diapers and walked around on a leash, a sixteen year old Yankees fan named Travis was stabbed several times by his 70 year old female captor (shown below) with a butcher knife, before being shot by police in Stamford, Connecticut at about 3:30PM yesterday.
Travis, an actor who once appeared in an Old Navy commercial with Morgan Fairchild, loved filet mignon, sipping fine wine, flowers, and surfing the internet, but kept a special place in his heart for the New York Yankees.

Some sources say that the recent developments with Alex Rodriguez and his foggy admissions to using performance enhancing drugs pushed the longtime fan over the edge. According to a neighbor he was "visibly and audibly outraged" after Alex failed to apologize to his teammates after his 38 second faux-dramatic pause during yesterday's press conference.

However, according to a friend, yesterday, the day of his rampage, Travis was informed that his Yankees weekend package had been moved to a 12 game weekday package despite his constant calls to the Yankees Ticket Office.

Calls to the Yankee Ticket Office and Alex Rodriguez were not returned.

Here is the chain of events leading up to the tragedy:

[The crazy old woman pictured above] gave him Xanax in tea to quiet him, but [Travis] grabbed the keys to open the kitchen door, went outside and started banging on car doors to indicate he wanted to go for a ride.

Just as [a friend] Nash arrived at the house and exited her vehicle, [Travis] went up to her, jumped on her and began biting and mauling her.

[The crazy lady] retrieved a large butcher knife and stabbed [Travis] numerous times in an effort to save Nash, who was really being brutally attacked, and was forced to call the police.

(Here is the 911 call.)

Nash was so disfigured that a cop on the scene mistook her for a man, telling the dispatcher, "He's got no face."

The wounded Travis zeroed in on one cruiser, running to one side and trying to open a locked door. He quickly scooted to the other side, ripping off a side mirror while opening another door.

The trapped cop inside shot Travis several times in self-defense. The mortally wounded ape then staggered back into his house.

I'm angry about A-Rod too, Travis. Our Saturday package is probably going to get bumped and we won't even have anyone to put Xanax in our tea when it happens. It wasn't your time, man. It wasn't supposed to go down like this. Hopefully they've got a nice dry aged filet and a bottle of Mouton Rothschild waiting for you in The Big Jungle In The Sky.

R.I.P. Travis the Chimpanzee [1996-2008]

P.S. You probably shouldn't have bitten that woman's face off.

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