Drew Rosenhaus: Gentleman, Scholar

Via three consecutive posts from Ralph Vacchiano (the only person I link to about the Giants) "super" agent and colossal douche Drew Rosenhaus sent a letter to all 32 NFL teams announcing that three of his clients, Chad Johnson, Anquan Boldin and Plaxico Burress are available via trade:

Rosenhaus, who has represented Burress since he signed with the Giants four years ago, sent an e-mail to all 32 teams earlier this week in which he indicated Burress could be acquired via trade, according to three people informed of the contents of the e-mail. The people, who requested anonymity because the e-mail was not to be discussed publicly, said it was a list of Rosenhaus' free-agent and draft-eligible clients as well as three players he deemed trade-able. All three are wide receivers: the Cardinals' Anquan Boldin, the Bengals' Chad Johnson and Burress.

Minor detail: He didn't have permission from any of the teams to do so, because no team would ever want to have their hand tipped like that. Have you even heard of a team sending out such a letter?

And what team is going to trade for Plaxico Burress? I'm not sure if you are familiar with the legal process, but there is a really good chance that he'll be spending next season or three in jail. If the Giants could potentially get a draft pick or two from a team stupid enough to acquire a injury prone wide receiver with a $35M contract and an impending prison sentence, by all means, Jerry Reese, do it. But why would Drew Rosenfuckface be promoting that agenda?

Let me just say in general that as an agent I can do whatever I want. Let me clarify the rules. Teams cannot talk to an agent about a player who is under contract, but there’s no limits on what an agent can try and do to help his client. You know, the bottom line is that I get paid by my clients to advance their agenda, not the teams’ agendas. And there’s no rule that prohibits me from talking to teams about any of my clients. I’m going to do my job. That’s the bottom line.

Oh! So the player can sign with another team, negotiate a new contract and he can get a piece of the commission. Naturally.

Hey Drouche, you are a cut-rate football version of Scott Boras, except even more annoying and without the blue chip clients. Chad Johnson changed his name (except couldn't put it on the back of his jersey) and caught six passes for -8 yards last season. Plax literally shot himself, is awaiting trail and missed several games due to injuries and suspension. Boldin had the slight built-in advantage of playing on the opposite side of the field from Larry Fitzgerald last year. So I'm sure Drew's expectations for what a team is going to have to give up for 'Quan are reasonable:

There was a big trade this season for Roy Williams. The wide receiver went from Detroit to the Dallas Cowboys and that compensation involved a first-round pick, third-round pick and sixth-round pick (and a seventh next year). So you have to use that. Any time you see a front-line, No. 1 receiver, a Pro Bowl receiver, being traded, you have to look at the Roy Williams deal as a landmark for what the compensation would be.

I know it's difficult to count to two, but NEITHER OF THOSE GUYS ARE FUCKING "NO. 1 RECEIVER[S]", YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLE MORON. Have you heard of Larry Fitzgerald and/or Calvin Johnson? Because those guys are the #1 WRs on their respective teams. Also worth nothing - Roy Williams (5 years in the NFL, 1 Pro Bowl). Why good does it do to drive up your client's trade value? Does Drouche automatically get to sign one of the draft picks?

And by the way, Jerry Jones, how is that Roy Williams trade working for you, anyway? Can a glaringly terrible trade still serve as a benchmark? It was dumb at the time and looks even stupider in hindsight. I hope both of these asshats get trampled by a circus elephant.

Larry Fitzgerald Did Me Proud

I might be a little biased because Larry Fitzgerald is my fantasy ex (I'm hoping we can work it out get back together at some point), but he is out of control. I'm sorry if you are already sick of me calling him "The Human-like Machine Referred To As "Larry Fitzgerald", but it is here to stay.

This was almost David Tyreesian:

And he looked like Usain Bolt on this 64 yard TD catch and run.

[Ed. Note: That is the reflection of a lampshade in our apartment (not a mysterious apparition) which will serve as our de-facto watermark, simply because these screen grabs are a big enough pain in the ass, and I'm not going to turn it off and on for every single one.

For this reason (and for the record), any screen grabs or other orginal pictures we post will be color, and for the most part, anything borrowed will be in black and white]

Exclusive From Tampa!

[The Hyatt Regency, Tampa. 10:30 this morning]

The Lamb of God: Guys, we've got our work cut out for us. The Steelers defense is fast and athletic, with the hardest hitting secondary in the league. Their linebackers...

'Quan: Allz I know is dat we best not be runnin no mothafuckin one wide receiver set tonight. Sheeeeiiiiiiittt.

The Lamb of God: Anquan, my son, I understand your angst. Everyone wants to make a positive contribution to their team, and...

'Quan: Jesus, I ain't think you heard me, dawg. GIVE A MOTHAFUCKA THA BALL.

Kurtis the Bag Boy: Q, we connected for over 1,000 yards and 11 touchdowns this year. We've just got to trust what our Lord and Savior says.

'Quan: I said my piece, bitches. [Exits left]

The Human-like Machine Referred To As "Larry Fitzgerald": [stares off into the distance]

The Lamb of God: Kurtis, my favorite son. I have brought you this far, now you and your titanium-hearted accomplice must finish what we started. Are you up for the task?

Kurtis the Bag Boy: I believe so, your Holiness.

The Lamb of God: I have selected some motivational music to guide you on this perilous journey.

[Scrolls through iPod. Selects song. Places iPod in sound dock.]

The Curious Case Of Anquan Boldin

One of the Giants' highest priorities this offseason is going to be filling the hole on their roster left by the bullet that went through Plaxico Burress' thigh. Burress is probably going to make an "Up North Trip" for what went down in the Latin Quarter just after midnight on the morning of November 30th, thereby vacating his post as the #1 WR on the GMen.

I don't know what Jerry Reese is scheming up over in the Meadowlands, but I can tell you what Giants fans are thinking. They want Anquan Boldin in the worst way. They speak in hushed reverent tones and call him the "toughest player in the league". Except for Ed Valentine at Big Blue View, that is (I've added some subtle emphasis):

Cross Arizona's Anquan Boldin off the list of potential targets for the Giants at wide receiver. Tom Rock of Newsday does a great job calling out Boldin for his sideline tirade near the end of Sunday's NFC Championship Game. Mike Freeman of CBS Sportsline went even further, calling Boldin a 'jackass.' Boldin apparently continued his tirade after the game, refusing to celebrate the Super Bowl berth with his teammates. Sorry, I want nothing to do with a player who acts like that during and after the biggest game of his team's season. 'Kudos' to Pro Football Talk for the Freeman find.

Hear that, Jerry Reese? Cross the number one potential target at wide receiver in the league off your to-do list because some clueless hack of a "blogger" "want[s] nothing to do with [him]". Forgive me Ed, I thought you were going to give an ACTUAL REASON.

The Cardinals were running a one reciever set and obviously the human-like machine referred to as "Larry Fitzgerald" is going to be that one WR. Boldin probably wanted to be in the game. You just said it was the biggest game of the season, would you rather he sat on the sidelines with his helmet on, like LaGroinian Toemlinson?

I don't think we should judge his integrity and character from 10 seconds of FOX sideline camera shots. The media will no doubt take a rolling pin to this story and try to stretch it out over the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl. Great, I hope that lowers his value this offseason and the Giants can get him for less. Who knows what was actually said? The sidelines in the NFL are probably an incredibly emotional place (I've never been), and I'm sure things are said and forgiven that the general public never hears a whisper of.

This guy wanted to play so badly, in fact, that after he was knocked unconscious by this hit in Week 3 and carted off the field, it took him only three weeks to return to the starting lineup. He had a broken sinus cavity, two fractures in his face, it took eight plates and a jaw wiring for the surgeons to repair it all and he (supposedly) didn't take any painkillers. I wouldn't have back to my job in three weeks, and I sit at a desk writing marketing research reports.

Before & After

My one concern with Boldin, is that he's only 6'1", 217. Most of the true #1 receivers in the league are taller than that. Calvin Johnson (6'5"), Plax (6'5"), Randy Moss (6'4"), Brandon Marshall (6'4"), T.O. (6'3"), Andre Johnson (6'3"), LFitz (6'3"). Unfortunately, I don't think Eli Manning is ever going to be a deadly accurate passer, and as a result, he'll need a bigger target to throw to.

I threw out the possibility of TJ Houshmanzadeh, who is going to be a free agent, because the Giants won't have to give anything up besides money and cap space. Up until this year, Housh has taken a backseat to the artist formerly known as Chad Johnson. TJ caught 905 of the 2672 yards thrown for by Bengals QBs this year, and has had more touchdowns than Ocho in each of the past three seasons. But he's 6'1", 199, and 31 years old.

The Giants aren't getting Larry Fitzgerald or Calvin Johnson. They aren't going to bring in T.O. if the Cowboys release him. I'd certainly rather have Boldin than Housh, but regardless of this dust up on the sidelines, the Cardinals aren't just going to give him away. They'd probably want some draft picks in return and I'm assuming it would be more than the 2nd & 5th the Giants got for Jeremy Shockey. Probably more like the 1st, 3rd and 6th the Cowboys (stupidly) gave up for Roy Williams.

I love Boldin, but the Giants might be better off signing Housh and/or seeing if one of the receivers in this year's draft, like Jeremy Macklin or Percy Harvin, falls to them at the 29th pick.