Thursday, January 7, 2010

Jonathan Papelbon & His "Brain"

The man of a million mixed metaphors has spoken, which means we have listened. This time, he chatted with ESPN's Gordon Edes (at times in Pig Latin) to discuss his future son, his unawareness of the Red Sox offseason moves, his contract situation and more:
Papelbon's wife, Ashley, is pregnant with the couple's second child, a brother for toddler daughter Parker. The child is due in April.

"Got a name picked out,'' Papelbon says. "Gunner Roberts. The significance? Nothing, man. Just a badass name, so we went with it.''
Gunner Roberts Papelbon. Other "badass" names that just missed the cut:
  • Bear Grylls Papelbon
  • Shooter Blaze Papelbon
  • Rambo Rocky Papelbon
  • Cannonball Titcomb Papelbon
  • Jason Bourne Papelbon
  • Maximus Damien Papelbon
  • Thunder Zeus Papelbon
  • Axl Rodstock Papelbon
  • Hulk Hogan Papelbon
  • Rowdy Rocco Papelbon
  • Magnús VerMagnússon Papelbon
  • Tyrannosaurus Rex Papelbon
If we missed any, leave them in the comments.
"I had no idea we got [John] Lackey until [trainer Mike] Reinold came down to see me, just a few days ago,'' he said. "I swear to you. I don't know anything about the ballclub, but I know the words to the 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse' song.''

Adrian Beltre deal? He hadn't heard. Casey Kotchman about to be traded to the Mariners? Nope. Mike Cameron? "Cameron, Mike Cameron?'' he said. "We got him? I swear to you, I didn't know.''

The skeptic might recall how Papelbon insisted that his dog ate the ball with which the Red Sox clinched the 2007 World Series -- a story that smacked of urban legend -- but Papelbon pleads that his ignorance is real.
Only a true intellectual pleads for others to acknowledge his true ignorance.
It was not for a lack of trying. The Red Sox last winter offered their closer a two-year deal for about $14.75 million, within a couple hundred thousand dollars of what Papelbon was seeking, according to a source close to the negotiations. "I ixnayed their offer,'' Papelbon said.
If his defense, Pig Latin is a Romance Language to people from Mississippi.
"Heck yeah, as far as what me and my brain are thinking,'' Papelbon said, "but I haven't even sat down with my agents [Seth and Sam Levinson] yet. We don't even have a number in place. There haven't been any discussions between me and the Red Sox and my agents at all.''
Jonathan Papelbon and his brain. Quite the image, isn't it?


  1. I like how the writer says Paps' postseason scoreless innings streak is a MLB record... uh, no. Yay factchecking!!

  2. Virginia Yankee1/7/10, 2:03 PM

    Thanks guys for calling attention to what he and his brain are thinking. I'm just glad those two are in agreement.

  3. How could you miss this one:

    "Mariano Rivera Papelbon"

    Or: "Goose Mariano Papelbon"

    "Sticky Cinnebon Papelbon"

  4. Viper Fang Papelbon

    Grizzly Chainsaw Papelbon

    Justice Powers Papelbon

    Chuck Norris Papelbon

  5. If there are any MST fans out there....

    Rip Slagpec Papelbon
    Dirk Steakface Papelbon
    Big McLargehuge Papelbon
    Smoke Manmuscle Papelbon

  6. Steven Segal Paplebon
    Desert Eagle Paplebon
    Grave Digger Paplebon
    Kimbo Slice Paplebon
    Ninja Assassin Paplebon

  7. Max Fightmaster Papelbon?

    also, he's from Louisiana, not Mississippi. Your point still holds though

  8. Dan Whitney1/7/10, 5:16 PM

    Maximum Overdrive Papelbon

    Cummings Turbodiesel Papelbon

    Powerstroke V8 Papelbon

  9. This is a facking good post.
    Paplebomb could explode at any time!
    Ask the Angels

  10. You forgot Chuck Norris P-bomb

  11. Stanley Goodspeed Papelbon
    Stone Cold Glare Papelbon

    He's such a d-bag.

    oh, and Rob A: great Homer J. reference

  12. I still can't believe that the name 'Cannonball Titcomb' was once, if not popular, at least accepted in society.

  13. Gigantor McHugeDouche Papelbon

  14. I think Gunnar is some sort of Scandinavian name, or perhaps Dutch - however, note the spelling uses an a not an e.

    Let's hope the kid doesn't inherit dad's face.

  15. Hahaha, what a clown.
    I know he picked "cool" *cough*douchey*cough* names for his son, but why not name the kid Ass Clown Papelbon? Seriously though, the baby is innocent.

    It's the father we hate. By the way Papsmear, if you're reading this... why not name your son

    Ninja Pirate Papelbon ? You got the obligatory killing machine in the ninja and well... a pirate. Don't like it? Mix and match a couple of these words together!

    Amazing, Super, Cool, Ninja, Power, Awesome, Spectacular, Rocket, Nitro, Gyro, Pyro, Pirate, Stud, Hotty...

  16. I be of the opinion this child ought to be named "Bickford Schmeckler Papelbon"

    Go ahead, try it out. Its awesome. Its ridiculous. Its catchy.

  17. mariano is the gayest name ever. oh sorry i forgot he was a worthless piece of shit. sorry yankees.