Breaking News: We Are Three Weeks Into May

Dear MetLife & The Yankees,

If you are designate a Player of the Month, you might want to honor within a week or so of said month. That way, Brian Waldman won't have to stand next to a guy who is hitting .102/.262/.184 over the past three weeks. And please never use "Breaking News" in the subject line of one of your emails to me ever again unless something terrible has happened to everyone on the Red Sox or we signed Yu Darvish.

Sincerely,
Fack Youk

Is She Flipping Me Off?

Dear New York State Smokers Quitline, 

I know what you are trying to do. You want smokers to see this advertisement and quit the habit. It's a noble cause. 

Here's the problem. It doesn't work. I know plenty of people who smoke and have seen this ad multiple times, and none of them have decided to stop smoking. If I had a child, I would think it would do more harm than good for them to see it. 

Also, there are a lot of people who don't smoke and have no intention of smoking who are watching this broadcast as well. Allow me to speak for these people: We don't need to see grizzly amputee footage to prevent us from going out and buying a pack of cigarettes. This woman's condition is obviously pretty rare because between myself and everyone else I know who has seen (and been repulsed by) this commercial, we have never heard of this happening to anyone else. Did she smoke three packs a day? She probably should have quit when she started getting parts of her fingers amputated. 

It's disturbing, it's annoying and it's on every two fucking innings. Stop it. Put that picture on a pack of cigarettes or something. It's still not going to get anyone to quit, but at least there won't be the colateral damage of non-smokers being subjected to it. 

Thanks in advance. 

Sincerely,

Fack Youk

Bait & Switch?

This morning I got an email from the Yankees, informing me of the possibility of $5 tickets to the Oakland series in selected areas of the Grandstand, Terrace and Bleachers. They can't all be obstructed view, one would assume, so I decided to check it out.


I clicked through and was taken to a page with the following on it:


I selected the 4/21 game against Oakland.


Here's the problem, though:

There is no option for $5 seats anywhere. I tried to get regular bleacher seats and they were entirely sold out. They didn't offer any promotional code to enter either. I think you just can't buy them online, which is perfect, considering they are advertising their availability via electronic mail.

Not one to just give up on a bargain, I bit the bullet and called the Ticketmaster phone number listed above. You have to listen to a computerized woman's voice count down every price range "Two, thousand... six, hundred and twenty, five... dollars, to... six, hundred... and, twenty, five, dollars" and obviously the $5 seats were at the very bottom. Unfortunately, me shouting "representative" or "operator" did not get me on the phone with an actual person.

Every step in the process was a giant pain in the ass, including having to verbally spell out my first and last name and billing address. I did get the tickets, though, and they are in Section 306, where presumably myself and whoever I go with will be straddling the foul pole.

Not to fear, it's only $5 a pop, and we'll probably just chill near the Bleachers Cafe or see what other sections we can finagle ourselves into. The $5 tickets are a pretty awesome deal, but you'd think that if they really wanted to sell them, they'd make them easier to buy. The shitty part is that the fact that something involving tickets and the New Stadium was annoying and poorly organized just isn't surprising anymore.