Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Inspire the Ire: John Smotlz

[Every so often we feel the need to drum up some hatred for a divisional rival, or in this case a new member of an opposing team. Today, our part-time labor relations correspondent and half-assed internet detective John checks in with a report on John Smoltz]

I began researching John Smoltz hoping to find some heckling gold, just one fact despicable enough to inspire a great summer of yelling at the television screen. Unfortunately, there was not a while lot of fruit from my labor. A few things though: He's crazy Jesusy. (via the 700 Club) [Not the Philly sports blog, The 700 Level]
You have people that say, ‘It’s easy, John Smoltz, to share your testimony. You have money. You have family. You have success. You have power. It’s easy for you to talk about those things.’ My rebuttal is it’s even harder, because if I have those things, I don’t need God. It’s when you have all those things and the distractions of the world tell you you’ve got to gain them. It’s even harder to share this when you have it all.
None of that made even the slightest amount of sense. "It's ever harder to share this when you have it all"? Riiiight. Is it harder to share because of the $130M you have in career earnings making you the 13th highest paid player in baseball history?

He once broke out this quote in regards to gay marriage:
Smoltz, a devout Christian, criticized those who want to legalize gay marriage,” the AP reported. “‘What’s next? Marrying an animal?’ he asked derisively.
That's some pretty strong editorialization, but the quote still stands. Then two years later, he and his wife of 16 years (and 4 children) got divorced. Nothing like judging someone else's marriage as a gateway to legalizing bestiality, and then not being able to work out your own despite having four children together. That's why (especially as a supposedly "devout Christian") you probably shouldn't judge other people's personal lives; because some asshole like me can dig it up on the internet four and a half years later and return the favor.

As far as "ire" goes though, that's pretty mild. Apparently, John Smoltz is not only a great pitcher, he is a good father, donates his time to the community, enjoys alcoholic beverages, and most importantly is “the best golfer outside the PGA Tour that [Tiger Woods] has observed”. Damn it John Smoltz.

Your golf game gives you somewhat of a pass, Mr. Smoltz, but nothing can excuse your selling of your soul to the most fascist of all organizations (the fackin' Red Sawx) in the most liberal of all states. That sanctioned and evil gayness in Boston will soon consume your soul, and never let go until you are wedded to a gay sheep named Steve. Baaaah.