Big Papi Is En Fuego

No, I'm not talking about the fact that his average has reached a stratospheric .204 and has an OPS 30 points lower than David Eckstein.

The magic of Google Adsense brought me this gem.

/clicks link

AAAAAAAH! Papi, your beard is on fire!

But before you put that out, tell me more about what is in that snazzy-looking bottle...

Baseball star and fan favorite, David Ortiz launches Big Papi En Fuego, a new lifestyle hot sauce, which is never off season! Ortiz, a lifelong hot sauce enthusiast, was inspired to create the perfect hot sauce that was both spicy and flavorful. Big Papi En Fuego is made from a secret recipe, and while we can't give it away, the sauce does include fresh, natural ingredients such as habanera peppers and fresh lime. Big Papi En Fuego makes a great addition to marinades, cooking and cocktails. It is not just a hot sauce, but a way of life!

No... it's just a hot sauce. A hot sauce that could nevah compayah to Youk's fackin' hot sauce. Early reviews indicate it's not nearly as spicy as it used to be. Perhaps you could could use it to enhance some of Ortiz's Big Papi Salsa.

Papi's culinary empire also includes a red wine, but he's clearly got a ways to go before he attains Youk's status in the food industry.

Given his performance this year, all these red and hot items don't really fit his image from a marketing perspective. Perhaps he might want to partner with Ben and Jerry's for an ice cream. They could call it "Papi's Plunge" and have it feature sour grapes, humble pie and a sense of nostalgia. It would taste worse than vanilla but cost ten times more.

Kevin Youkilis: Titan Of The Food Industry

Uh, how come no one told us about this? Is it because Red Sox Nation issued a gag order?

A simple Google search of our blog's anti-namesake turned up the fact that Kevin Youkilis endorses B&M Baked Beans. And you thought Jonathan Papelbon's "Auto 125" commercial was embarrassing... I'm not a branding expert, but would probably advise against a sloppy brown food product being sold under the letters "B" & "M"

Dude, you couldn't hold out for Bush's?

Oh, I forgot, they already have a spokesman (he knows the secret recipe)...


That's right Youk. In the prestigious upper echelon of baked bean spokeslifeforms, it's you and a dog named Duke! Youk and Duke. Well done. It's only a matter of time until the economy catches up to B&M, Bush's buys them out, and you two doing ads together. I can see it now...


That's not all, though...

Longball Cellars also offers Jorge Cabernet and Abreu's Finest among other terrible wine/baseball name puns including Jose's CaberReyes, Tom's Cabernet Glavingnon, Brain Schneider's Schardonnay, and Tim Wakefield's CaberKnuckle.

Youk's Hot Sauce was developed by his brother Scott, a chef at Maverick's Restaurant in San Francisco, thusly: "Some chilies were on their way out, so we roasted them, added vinegar and called it a hot sauce". He added "Yeaaaaaah brraaaah, it's gnarly."

You can get a bottle of that so-called hot sauce for the incredibly low price of $10 +S&H, or $25 +S&H complete with an autograph from the man himself. Or actually you can't, because they are sold out. Is this guy fackin' maaahketahble, ah what?

And last but not least, Yooouuuuk has an energy drink called "SlumpBuster", a not-so-thinly-veiled reference to the first girl you sleep with after not getting any for a while.

In sports, at work or in your social life, everyone has been in a slump. You've tried everything, and then... along comes a SlumpBuster... and all is right with the world. SlumpBuster Energy Drink.

Classy as the day is long, that Kevin Youkilis. Go out and get yourself a SlumpBuster... and after you're done, smash the can on your forehead and throw it out your car window, asshole.