Monday, June 15, 2009

Big Papi Is En Fuego

No, I'm not talking about the fact that his average has reached a stratospheric .204 and has an OPS 30 points lower than David Eckstein.

The magic of Google Adsense brought me this gem.

AAAAAAAH! Papi, your beard is on fire!

But before you put that out, tell me more about what is in that snazzy-looking bottle...
Baseball star and fan favorite, David Ortiz launches Big Papi En Fuego, a new lifestyle hot sauce, which is never off season! Ortiz, a lifelong hot sauce enthusiast, was inspired to create the perfect hot sauce that was both spicy and flavorful. Big Papi En Fuego is made from a secret recipe, and while we can't give it away, the sauce does include fresh, natural ingredients such as habanera peppers and fresh lime. Big Papi En Fuego makes a great addition to marinades, cooking and cocktails. It is not just a hot sauce, but a way of life!
No... it's just a hot sauce. A hot sauce that could nevah compayah to Youk's fackin' hot sauce. Early reviews indicate it's not nearly as spicy as it used to be. Perhaps you could could use it to enhance some of Ortiz's Big Papi Salsa.
Papi's culinary empire also includes a red wine, but he's clearly got a ways to go before he attains Youk's status in the food industry.

Given his performance this year, all these red and hot items don't really fit his image from a marketing perspective. Perhaps he might want to partner with Ben and Jerry's for an ice cream. They could call it "Papi's Plunge" and have it feature sour grapes, humble pie and a sense of nostalgia. It would taste worse than vanilla but cost ten times more.


  1. Hey it's not as bad as that Derek Jeter's Herpes Treatment Cream that you have to use after sleeping with anyone from New York! And it's a better value than that Johnny Damon Beard & Pube Trimmer! THAAAAAAA YANKEEEEEEES SUUUUUUUUCK!!!

  2. It must suck to only be 2 games ahead of such a crappy team. I guess the Sox suck as well.

  3. Tad, thanks adding something in addition to the anonymous commenter flame war. Much appreciated.

  4. Sorry I am behind in my google reader...I knew my lifestyle was missing something, but what? Is there some way I can express my love for my favorite baseball player that fits the way I live?
    Thank you, Fack Youk, for bringing me a hot sauce to fill in the blank. Now what am I going to do for that new car I need?