Run For Cover, This Is Not 11 Years Ago!!1!!!1!

You may recall the name Allen Barra from FJM Day over at Deadspin last week. He was the one saying that Derek Jeter should win the MVP because Paul Newman won an Oscar for The Color Of Money, for his "inspiration and professionalism", and because Jeter had been snubbed in the past.

Well yesterday, Mr. Barra busted out some similarly stupid logic for the Village Voice in regards to the Yankees' playoff chances:

Be afraid, Yankee fans -- be very afraid.

A couple of weeks ago everything seemed all sewn up -- the Yankees had vanquished the Red Sox, and all everyone wanted to know was if this year's editions was as good as the 1998 team. A couple of more games like yesterday's, and they're going to be wondering if this team is as good as the 2008 Yankees.

/shakes in shoes

I should be afraid because this year's team isn't one of the greatest teams ever? This actually makes perfect sense because if you were stupid and shortsighted enough to equate the '09 Yankees to the '98 version "a couple of weeks ago", then you are probably dumb enough to compare them to last year's team after they've lost 6 of 10 games.

A year ago [Joba] looked like the greatest young phenom in baseball; now he's a weight dragging down the rest of the pitching staff.

That's right folks, Joba is pitching so poorly that he hurt Andy Pettitte's shoulder. He's the reason A.J. Burnett has only won 1 of his last 10 starts and I'll be damned if he didn't make Mo blow that save in Seattle. Just wait 'til he starts getting into CC Sabathia's head. Then we'll really be fucked.

Sunday's outing against the punchless Seattle mariners -- dead last in the American League in both batting average and runs scored -- was an out and out disgrace that would have earned any other pitcher a demotion to Double-A.

Could the last declaration be any more factually incorrect? He's made 29 starts for the Yankees this year. Please give me even one example of the last time a pitcher was demoted, not to AAA but to AA, because of one outing late in the season, let alone "any other pitcher". Allen Barra makes George Steinbrenner in his heyday look calm and measured by comparison.

Is there a team in baseball with a worse record of developing young pitchers than the Yankees?

I'm not sure, but instead of trying to figure it out, you should probably just pose it as a rhetorical question, imply that it's true and move on.

Was there any more illogical way to bring Joba along than to put him in games where he was expected to only go three or four innings? If whoever is calling the shots in the front office had conferred with Joe Girardi and pitching coach Dave "No Man Is An" Eiland and at least agreed to put Job aback[sic] in the bullpen to be worked in front of Phil Hughes, they might at least have something to show for all the absurd coddling and pampering of Joba.

Is there a more illogical way to handle a pitcher than limiting him to pitching three or four innings a game? They should have only allowed him to pitch one or two innings a game! How absurd that they would want to protect a young pitchers arm by not transitioning him back and forth between the bullpen and the rotation, which ended with him being injured last year! IDIOTS! (And minus 10 for the non-sequitur Bermanism.)

What's the big difference between the 1998 and 2009 Yankees? Try this: In 1998, the Yanks weren't going into the last nine[sic] games of the season wondering if they were the best team in the league.

First of all, this was written yesterday, so the Yankees were actually heading into their last 12 games of the season. Mr. Barra apparently does not have access to the internet where he could look up the Yanks' schedule.

And the "big difference" is that after 150 games in 1998, the Yankees were FIFTY-EIGHT GAMES OVER .500. They were arguably the best baseball team ever. No shit this year's team isn't as good as they were, even though they still have the best record in baseball. Which would typically mean that they are, you know, the best team.

It's funny that Barra mentions the 1998 squad because although they were historically awesome and finished 114-48, they seemingly ran out of gas towards the end of the season. After 126 games the Yankees were 94-32. From that point forward, though, the Yankees had just the 12th best record in baseball at 20-16, which was significantly buoyed by finishing the regular season on a 7 game winning streak. Then, lo and behold, they went 11-2 in the playoffs en route to a World Series Victory.

So be afraid! The Yankees have the best record in baseball but are not comparable to the best team ever!

[Update 11:50: Although Barra was suggesting that Jeter is the AL MVP for the Wall Street Journal in the piece that got FJM'd, he wrote for the Village Voice that Cap'n Jetes is no better than the 5th most valuable Yankee this year. Allen Barra: Logician.]

Joba Gets Jacked, Bats Go Silent

So much for the 5 innings. So much for the hitch in his delivery. Joba Chamberlain was flat out awful this afternoon, not getting around it. He stumbled out of the gate in the first inning before falling flat on his face in the second.

Joba actually retired the first two batters he faced in the bottom of the first but then allowed back to back doubles to Jose Lopez and Ken Griffey and then an RBI single to Adrian Beltre.

He went the opposite way in the 2nd, allowing two singles to begin the frame. The Mariners gave away an out via a sac bunt and then the Yanks gave away a baserunner by intentionally walking Ichiro to load the bases. I didn't work out as planned because Joba forced in a run when he walked Franklin Gutierrez after the count went full. Jose Lopez followed with a sacrifice fly to put the Yanks up 4-0. Joba got ahead 0-2 on Griffey, but left a fastball on the inside part of the plate which Griffey blasted to left for a no-doubt, three run jack.

Joba came back out and worked a scoreless third inning but that was all for him, after throwing 69 pitches in what, ERA-wise was his worst outing of the season.

It was a frustrating day at the plate as well. Ian Snell didn't pitch particularly well, distributing four hits and four walks over 5 1/3 IP and only striking out two, needing 105 pitches to do it. He only gave up one run though, as the Yanks mustered only one hit with runners in scoring position of of six attempts against him.

In it's any consolation (and it probably isn't) Sergio Mitre pitched brilliantly in relief of Joba, throwing 5 scoreless innings allowing only one hit and one walk while striking out 5. Mark Teixeira also added two doubles and was driven in by Jorge Posada in his return from his suspension for the Yanks' only run in the 6th inning.

It probably seems bad at the moment, but the Yanks are off to a far more important series in Anaheim in terms of perceived postseason implications. There will be much stuff to overreact to when the next three games come around.

TEH SKY IS FALLIGN!1!!!!!!

I didn't follow the game on LoHud last night because I was writing our game recap, but luckily our resident IT Manager & Internet Researcher, Cliff did. He was kind enough to mine out some of the most hysterical overreactions to last night's game from the comment section for your viewing pleasure (everyone together: Thanks, Cliff!). I would love make fun of each of them individually, but I don't have time and there's really no point.

Without further adeiu, I present, in conjuction with LoHud Enterprises, A Fack Youk Production:

Game Two: Overreactions In Orioledom

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Matt April 8th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
I miss Jose Molina behind the plate. All the memories of Posada calling for a pitcher’s 3rd best pitch with runners on base and serving up extra base hits are rushing back.

KO April 8th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
leave it to the Yankees, with huge expectations and brand new stars, to come out flat against a last place team in their own division. so far these two games look like a reprint of 2008. they have absolutely no clue at the plate. no plan of action. way too many times already have they taken a fat pitch right down the middle on the 1st pitch or early in the count and they’re falling behind, then chasing. everyone seems like they are pressing already and a bunch of scrubs are whipping them…. Wang no more runs bro…

KO April 8th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
LOL GREGG ZAUN JUST MASHED A DOUBLE I AM OFFICIALLY TURNING IT OFF

Pat April 8th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Wang is awful. He’s a #4 starter at best

Every Day Phil Coke April 8th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
The Hank watch is on. The Dave Eiland watch is on.

ZZ April 8th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Awesome. Already destroying our bullpen only two games into the season.
Great job of Girardi not bringing a long man into the rotation.

Hank April 8th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Great job not taking a long man Girardi. He’s fired by May.

Global Warming April 8th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Where is the “these games don’t matter” crowd? When this team decides to show up let me know. Ridiculous.

ron April 8th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
same old bums….. no f….k..g balls…. they should line this team and just shoot them…..

ugh April 8th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
What a pathetic joke. It’s like this team enjoys embarassing themselves.

Dan April 8th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Tex is a headcase. This is unacceptable.
Why can’t we ever acquire players with guts? We always go get players who have been losers on other teams.

7 UP April 8th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Go acquire Matt Holliday and put him in CF
Trade Melky, Shelly Duncan, and Dan Giese to OAK for him. We cannot watch our season go down the drain because of this pathetic offense.

[Cliff Note: 1) Oakland just claimed Giese off waivers 2) Holliday would be a disaster in CF 3) I'm sure OAK would love a 32 year old minor league pitcher, a 29 year old minor league journeyman, and a fringe bench player who had a 68 OPS+ last year in exchange for the best available OF on the trade market]

Ryan April 8th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Give Swisher the start at first tomorrow. Maybe being benched will piss Teixeira off a little, or at least keep his o-fer out of the 3 spot.

kelvin April 8th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Tex will go 0-26 to start the season. Mark that down.

Carl April 8th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Need to re-shape the lineupSwisher needs to play 1st, Melky in CF, Pena at SS, Molina at C. Get some spark into the lineup.

Edwards April 8th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
eerily similar to last year—unable to beat the bottom feeders of the league and play inconsistent baseball. Teixeria is NOT worth $180 million, he is not worthy of being the 3rd highest paid player in baseball.

RC 61 April 8th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
The problem is that Cashman didn’t get any players with fortitude. He should have signed proven winners like Lowe and Manny who are clutch and unfazed by pressure and know how to win. You think Lowe gives up 7 runs tonight??

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Aaaaand Scene.


For good measure, here is one voice of reason, from the most unlikely of places:

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ray (sox fan) April 8th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
“Teixeria is NOT worth $180 million, he is not worthy of being the 3rd highest paid player in baseball.”

Hey, I’m a Sox fan, but even I have to ask how does one come up with this conclusion after a grand total of two games?

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Thank you, Ray. Stop by anytime.

It's Only One Game, Now Excuse Me While I Blow It Out Of Proportion

Hat Guy is at it again. Someone must have told him that FJM shut down their operation and he's taunting them into starting it back up again. I don't care if this is unoriginal. Ken Tremendous is rolling over in his digital grave right now, and I must do something about it. It would be a bigger sin to let this article sit there on NBC Sports without pointing out how factually incorrect and schizophrenic it is. Celizic is simultaneously telling everyone to relax because it's only one game, and totally, wildly, insanely overreacting to that game.

"Leash Just Got Shorter For Girardi, Yanks"

Yes... 1/162nd shorter. 0.0617% shorter.

It’s a good thing for the Yankees that you don’t draw broad conclusions from one game, because if you did, the conclusion would be expressed in two words: they stink.

It's a good thing the first part of that sentence doesn't say you can't do something, only to have the second half of the sentence do that exact thing.

Most of the time when a team loses, they are going to look like "they stink". If a team wins 90 games in a season, they are going to look good in probably 90 of them (most wins, but some close losses) and look bad in the other 72 (most of their losses and a few sloppy wins). No matter how good a team is, they aren't going to impress you in every game they appear in. That's baseball.

The offense rallied to cut the Baltimore lead to 6-5, but when Derek Jeter, who had three hits in the game, had a chance to tie it, he failed. And then when expensive free-agent acquisition Teixeira had a chance to put the team ahead, he, too, failed.

I can see knocking Teixeira for having a bad day at the plate after the Baltimore fans put the focus on him by booing him mercilessly, but Jeter? He went 3 for 5 and left one guy on-base. Reading this column, you would think that the first three hits counted towards Spring Training. A message from Mike Celizic to Derek Jeter: If you can't hit in the clutch, don't bother hitting at all.

You wouldn’t expect to find panic in the clubhouse after one loss with 161 left to play, and you didn’t. Girardi was calm. The players were calm. It’s a powerful team and they just need to play Yankee baseball.

So why are you writing this article again?

This is all good, but the fact remains that the Yankees didn’t just lose. They played a bad baseball game. That’s not supposed to on Opening Day.

YES IT IS!!!! This is exactly when it is supposed to happen. It's the first fucking day of the season. Everyone is still rusty. Teixeira is a notoriously slow starter. Sabathia had a 7.76 ERA in April last year.

What had to be mystifying to Yankee fans was watching Sabathia’s pitch count mount into mid-season levels without getting any relief. Even when it was obvious Sabathia had nothing left (How could he? He had nothing to begin with.), Girardi left him in the game as his pitch count climbed to 96.

Count me among the unmystified. 96 pitches is not "mid-season levels" for CC Sabathia, you hysterical moron. You know how many times he threw fewer than 96 pitches last year? Fucking TWO (April 11th & 16th), and he gave up nine earned runs in both of them.

Too much may be made of pitch counts in today’s game.

Sort of like what you are doing right now?

But when your ace pitcher is struggling in the season’s first game and it’s so cold he has to hold a heating pad to his stomach — Sabathia’s favorite organ — between innings, it seems senseless to let him throw that many pitches.

If Sabathia is like any other guy I know, his favorite organ is a little further South. And it's 96 pitches. I've never heard anyone complain about a starter throwing fewer than 100 pitches before. Senseless is letting him take the hill in the ninth inning when his pitch count was already 111 and the Brewers were up by 7 runs.

Sabathia is not in mid-season form. Why give him a mid-season pitch count? It just seems a risky thing to do in a game that the Yankees were already out of.

Except they weren't out of it, were they, Mike? Take a look at the box score. Yes, they were down 6 to 1, but if you hadn't rushed to your computer to start writing this retarded column, you might have noticed that they Yankees pulled to within one run in the 7th. You mentioned it above. Remember? It was when you were crushing Jeter and Teixeira for being unclutchiferous.

But it’s early; just one game and one questionable pitching decision by the manager.

Questionable if you wear a fedora and refuse to look up Sabathia's pitch counts on Baseball-Reference.com.

If the Yankees win on Wednesday and keep winning, it will all be forgotten. If they don’t, by the time the team opens their new park, there will be calls in the tabloids for Congressional investigations.

What sort of Congressional investigations they would be calling for? That doesn't even begin to make sense or be funny.

Somewhat ironic that he uses "tabloids" derisively here. This is the epitome of knee-jerk, tabloid "journalism", except it's not even well written enough to appear in the Post or Daily News.

Last year was a free one for Girardi and the Yanks. This year isn’t. It’s just one game and one loss, but the pressure is already on.

It's just one column which constantly contradicts itself, but Mike Celizic still has no idea what he's talking about. The pressure was on when they signed Sabathia, Burnett and Teixeira. It didn't come from losing the first game of the season.

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Keep them coming, Mike. I'll be here waiting.