Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The New Youk Yankees

When Matt and I abandoned this humble weblog over two years ago, we didn't have any intention of coming back for it. For a variety of reasons the site had run its course and both of us were content to dig a shallow grave for it just off the shoulder of the information superhighway, to be visited only by spam bots and via obscure Google searches.

However, recent developments have caused this collection of semi-coherent ramblings and black and white pictures to roll over in said grave. Pending a physical, the Fackin' Youkstah himself will be donning pinstripes and manning the hot corner in the Bronx this season.

Before December 3rd, it didn't even seem within the realm of possibility that the Yankees would require Youkilis's services. Leaving aside the fact that Youk is universally despised by Yankee fans, Alex Rodriguez and Mark Teixeira occupy his natural defensive positions and are signed through the years 2017 and 2016, respectively. The Yankees also seemed to have little or no need for a league average DH who is on the downside of his career and looks like he's bouncing on the world's smallest trampoline when he's at the plate, so there seemed to be no path for such a travesty to occur.

However, since A-Rod's contract is not enough of an albatross around the franchise's neck when he's fully healthy, he must undergo yet another hip surgery which should prevent him from playing in at least the first half of the 2013 season (thereby cementing the fact that I was hilariously and spectacularly wrong about this) and lo and behold the Yanks were in the market for a third baseman.

Of course, their options were limited. Limited in the kind of way that everyone in your school has already found a date for the prom and the only members of the opposite sex that are still available, the very thought of causes you to begin dry heaving.

The organization decided that they couldn't risk giving the job to Eduardo Nunez (who would likely lead the league in balls thrown into the dugout and routine grounders fielded unsuccessfully), Jayson Nix (who could at best be a functioning part of a platoon - in the military), or David Adams (who is currently a second baseman and has never played above AA). Nor did they want to troll the trade market like a drunk gazing cross-eyed down the bar at 3AM. Other teams knew they were desperate which obviously lowers their leverage in any negotiations.

Last Thursday, the Yankees made Youk an offer for $12M, and the other dominoes started to fall into place. Mark Reynolds (the epitome of an all or nothing hitter, which the Yanks already have too many of) signed with Cleveland, which eliminated an obvious destination for Youk since Terry Francona is their manager.

The feeling of inevitability grew stronger.

Today, Ken Rosenthal confirmed the some of our worst nightmares. Yes, come springtime, we will have to see a clean shaven Kevin Youkilis on a near-daily basis if we wish to continue watching Yankees baseball. We may experience perverse feelings of satisfaction when he succeeds, something that was antithetical to everything this blog stood for during its existence.

Perhaps, at some point this season, he might do something productive and the fans at the Stadium may even yell "YOOOOOOOUUUUUK". Let that possibility roll around in your minds for just a moment.

This is the darkest of days, Fackers. Maybe the Mayans were right.


  1. It's been a while since I've checked to see if you guys would be back, but for the same reason you posted, I had to check tonight. I'm glad I did.

    I hated Boggs. I hated Clemens. Once they were on the team, I rooted for the uniform they wore, and after a while I didn't hate them so much. I suppose the same will happen with Youkilis. One last time though, FACK YOUK!

    Hope you're both doing well. See you on the other side on the 21st.

  2. Glad you're back...somehow I knew tday would be the day to check.

  3. At least Youk coming to the Yankees we won't have to look at his shitty goatee anymore.

  4. I had a feeling there would be a new post here. Miss reading the blog!

  5. I hope this means a return to blogging. You guys are the best!!

  6. When I first heard of this horror, my immediate thought was "I gotta see what the guys at Fack Youk are saying."

    And you're right, these must be the end times considering there's an excellent chance Nick Swisher will be a Red Sock next season. I don't even ...

  7. Back in the "Original Six" days of the NHL, as a High School kid, I was a BIG Rangers fan. As such, there was no team I despised more than the Boston Bruins, and no player I hated more than Phil Esposito. Today kinda brings to mind the day Espo became a Ranger ... except, of course, that this wasn't a trade, and the Yankees didn't send Jeter & Texiera away in the deal, and also bring to town, say, Jason Varitek & Kevin Millar. So OK, maybe not THAT bad. Still, I'm not a happy camper.

    A guy in my office stopped by today & said "Hey ... I got the Home Run call for Sterling ... 'Youk'll lift us!' ... like eucalyptus ... get it?"

    I kinda threw up a little in the back of my mouth. From now on, whenever that happens, I'm gonna call it a Youk-Puke.

  8. I have really missed your writing...

  9. Since 2010 I've come by many times, just to see if you guys had put anything up. Like everyone else, I miss checking FackYouk daily for new vulgarity and analysis. Hope the travesty of this signing means that you'll be posting again...if that's the case it'll be the silver lining to the Youk-Puke that will accompany each and every one of his ABs this year.

    "Welcome back to the fight; this time I'm sure our side will win." -Victor Laszlo, Casablanca

  10. Happy Birthday, Youk (and for all you Deadheads out in Fackyoukland, Happy Birthday Phil Lesh.)

  11. I think that it is amazing that you return to the blog. My friends at per head and I are expecting more great posts like you have been doing.