Friday, February 20, 2009

Live From Red Sox Nation

I didn't want to blow my cover by announcing this beforehand, but I have successfully infiltrated a dwelling inhabited by one or more Red Sox fans in Brighton, Massachusetts. Before I leave, I promise to steal something, or at least leave an upper-decker.

The one confirmed Sawx sympathizer is none other than Fack Youk contributor and resident Boston correspondent, Brendan. We are teaming up this weekend to bring you, loyal readers, tipsy dispatches from Extreme Beer Fest.

Getting here wasn't easy. In fact, it was one of the most hazardous, and dangerous, and greatest adventures, on which man has ever embarked.

If I were to tell you that I got pulled over driving from the Upper West Side of Manhattan to Brighton, where would you guess this happened?
  1. On I-95 between NYC and New Haven (You have to speed to make up for the time you lost on the Cross Bronx Expressway!)
  2. On I-91 between New Haven and Hartford (I didn't know there were cops in Connecticut...)
  3. On I-84 between Hartford and Sturbridge (See above)
  4. On the Mass Pike between Sturbridge and Natick (Got a little impatient, could see the light at the end of the tunnel)
  5. Or on the Pike between exits 15 & 17 (Speed limit is 55, Officer? I'm sorry I thought it was still 65!)
If you said any of those, you would be wrong, because I got pulled over for not wearing my seatbelt in New York-fucking-City. I was crossing Broadway on 79th St., eating an oatmeal raisin cookie and scrolling through my iPod when the lights kicked on behind me. Sheeeeeiiiiiiitttttt...

The cop pulled me over at a bus stop, and two seconds later, a double length MTA bus pulls up right alongside and lets a good 15-20 people off right in front of me, each of whom steals a guilty glance at the asshole who just got pulled over in Manhattan.

He comes up to the to car and goes "Ipulledyouoverforfailuretowearyourseatbelt,canIhaveyourdriver'slicense,sir?" I kind of half-laughed and turned it over. While he was in his car, I fired off this picture over my shoulder to document the special moment.

It may have been the most efficient traffic stop ever. The copper came back to the car in under three minutes and goes "Sir,I'veissuedyouacitationforfailuretowearaseatbeltwhileoperatingamotorvehicle, itcarriesnopointsandtherearetwowaysyoucanrespondtoit...DriveSafely"

Odd choice of words there, my severely underpaid compatriot. I was driving safely until you pulled me over for something that has absolutely nothing to do with the well-being of the other drivers on the road. I would have put the damn thing on after I was done with my cookie, dick.

I would have more of right to be angry if it was the first seatbelt ticket I got in Manhattan...

Anyway, after that auspicious beginning, the drive didn't get a whole lot better. Did you know that the Cross-Bronx Expressway is the worst stretch of highway ever to have been covered in asphalt? It's true!

From the time I entered Connecticut until I got to Boston, it snowed.

And snowed.

What's that you say? Its dangerous to be taking pictures while operating a motor vehicle in a driving snow storm? Nonsense. I made it here unharmed, unlike some asshole in an Accord behind me who fishtailed into the median... shows what you know.


Well folks, not sure about the amount of sports content today or the rest of this weekend, but we are going to Night of the Barrels tonight and Session One tomorrow, so you can expect at least one but probably two beer-geeky recaps complete with pictures and snarky comments. I'm also going to try to put up a music post with a New York-Boston connection that ties in the JFK quote above, before the weekend is over.

If you are going to be at Extreme Beer Fest, look out for Brendan and I. He'll be the tall guy and I'll be the one with the beard. You won't be able to miss us.


  1. I don't care if your buddy is a Sox fan, I am always pro upper-decker.

  2. Yes, there are cops in CT - and I have the $400 ticket to prove it. Got it coming back from this game:

    Enjoy the beer fest. Since you're in Brighton, check out Red Neck's for your post-beer fest greasy food fix.

    And to avoid the Cross Bronx, try the Hudson Parkway to the Sawmill or the Hutch to 684 to 84 next time. Probably works out about the same time wise.

  3. Jay,
    Do not do anything to the beer that could hurt any sox fans.

    And by "do not" I mean "do" and by "anything" i mean "put beaver piss in all of the beer so that they get beaver fever."

  4. mmb - $400? Were you going 120?

    Thanks for those directions, I knew there was an alternate route but never remembered to look into it. I'll try that on the way back. And if I get lost its on you!

    BWS - I think they carry beaver urine at Trader Joe's. It's a mining outpost, yes?

  5. I exaggerated a bit - it was $397.

    I was allegedly going 82 in a 55 and allegedly following too closely. I'm disputing both (likely to be unsuccessful at that). But, it was 10 minutes to midnight on the last day of the month. Me suspects I might have been helping to fill a quota.

    You gotta love all those Westchester County Parkways. Parkways always > Expressways.