Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Doris, Part III [Non-Sports]

[Here are parts I and II, in case you missed them]

Thanks to everyone who participated in the Delusional Doris Sign Sweepstakes earlier today! Mostly due to the length of the entries, there was no winner from the comment section. However, I did draw some inspiration from them and made two additions to our sign.

The top line now reads: "Did you write that letter w/your teeth?" (h/t: FY contributor Matt)

And the last two sentences read: "The difference is that when you did it, we laughed it off, and when we did, you called the cops. (and the new one) I bet they had a nice laugh when you hung up.
<3 115 xoxo"

I go to put it up, and to my horror, her door is open.

She wasn't outside, but just when you thought this woman couldn't be any creepier, she props her door open with a garbage can lid and a splintering 2x4. I don't know how that doorway connects to her apartment, but I can only assume the staircase is lined with with old newspapers, bird feathers she has collected from the roof, pre-1963 Playbills, and dead cats.

It's really awkward to ZipTie the signs on her side, from ours. I have to lean over the planter (which is right next to the railing) and around the chimney with both hands free to connect the tie. It makes it a whole lot more difficult when you have to keep an eye on that open door to make sure your crazy neighbor doesn't come flying out on her broomstick, causing you to lose your footing and fall 6 floors to your death.

If you look closely, you can see the two ties from the last sign, cinched much tighter than when I put them up. I can only assume that she had never seen a ZipTie before, and tried to remove them by yanking on the long end, only antagonizing her further.

This has been fun, but I really didn't think last night's post was going to be the 5th most popular post in the (somewhat brief) history of this blog. I'm not sure what that says about our sports commentary or more importantly, you sick puppies, but thanks for stopping by.

Whether she responds to this sign or not, rest assured there will be another Doris post at some point.


  1. The fact that you colored in the heart on the note just makes me feel all warm and squishy inside. Love you, Doris. ;)

  2. zip-tying hate mail for your neighbor = awesome

  3. No choice... I can't imagine she has phone or internet.

  4. seriously its shit like this that makes my month. the best part is you haven't even hit the ceiling with her crazy. after seeing her "barrier" and her kindergarten scribble and her door jam, she was clearly a character based in A Clockwork Orange. so pretty much I'm just waiting for her next move because I need a good reason to wake up tomorrow and not punch myself in the face. lars for now.

  5. Glad to be of service Jangles. Instead of punching yourself in the face though, try ramming your head into the wall. It's much more efficient (for me anyway).

  6. I'm enjoying this shit immensely.