Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Atlanta, Georgia? Never Heard of It...

This past weekend is one I will likely take with me for the rest of my life. I crossed "Go to the Big East Tournament" off the bucket list - and the tournament did not disappoint. I saw 7 games in 3 days, including a buzzer beater, a half court heave, and a marathon of a game that people will be talking about for a very long time. Aside from the game, I got to stroll around NYC, drink some great beer, hit a plethora of bars, dominate in buck hunter, dominate in darts, and simply spend some quality time with three of my best friends.

All that said - and I'm positive Tim, Kev, and Jay would agree, the real story of the weekend was the time spent with the dynamic duo known as Claire and Maya. From our initial meeting, a sharing of a table at the Carnegie Deli, I knew that these two were unique individuals. Luckily, I had the foresight to record in my Blackberry much of their gospel.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Maya and Claire

After recommending the roast beef, we learned Maya and Claire hailed from FSU and UCF respectively. We let them know we were from Boston...
Maya: Oh, Boston? Do you guys know the guy who won Bromance?
(I'm willing to bet maybe 20% of you know what Bromance is, and about .03% know the winner hailed from Medford, MA.)

After inhaling our food, Maya extended her generosity:
Maya: Do you guys like Fridays? I have a free appetizer coupon...
(We'd learn later in the night, that they actually would have dinner at Fridays that evening)

I felt like a bag of dead cats Friday morning, after drinking all day and eating the spoils of MSG. Thus at Carnegie, all I was doing was trying not to laugh out loud, and typing feverishly into my Blackberry. Maya had some words of encouragement:
Maya: As soon as you smell the animals, you're going to feel so much better

We decided that before the night session games on Friday, that we'd tag along with our new acquaintances for the afternoon. They recommended we go to a bar and then to the Central Park Zoo. Next to sleeping with a man, this was something Kevo had been dieing to do, so we accepted. En route to the bar, we passed a Hooters.

Claire: Oh I love hooters, they have the best grilled cheeses. My mom had my baby shower there. It was all you can drink. She didn't, well yeah, she had a little when she was pregnant.
(Claire's southern drawl was beginning to make sense)

At the bar, Kev explained that he was a UCONN fan.
Maya: What's the UCONN mascot, the hornets?
Kev: No, Huskies.
Maya: Is that a bear?
(I believe I then banged on the bar, let out a "Whoo!", and ordered another water)

Shots of SoCo and Lime were ordered before we made our way to the zoo.
Claire: Last time I had SoCo, I drove my car into a lightpost

[Press fast forward on your VCR. Press play. Scene: Amsterdam Ale House, the next day]

After tossing the pigskin around, Maya and Claire joined us for drinks and lunch. At this point, we were quite comfortable with our new friends, and the gloves really came off. Claire gave us a sneak peak into her world.

Claire: I ain't telling ya'll what my number is... all you know is that it's between 10 and 100. But are ya'll talkin' bout my actual number, or the number I remember? Cause if I don't remember that it happened, even if he tells me, he doesn't get added to the official number.

Claire: This one time I didn't know where I was when I woke up, so I rolled the guy next to me over to make sure I knew him, and I was like "Hey that's my neighbor!"

Claire: Why do guys always like to come all over girls? One guy asked if he could come on me and I said "You can come on my face, just don't get it in my hair."

Claire: First time a guy tried that on me (anal), it hurt so bad I thought my eyes were gonna pop out of my head. Fucker snuck up on me too, I didn't expect it at all. I was like, "Buddy, you try that again I'm gonna shove this coat hanger up your ass."

Claire: I saw a black guys dick once, and it was the biggest thing I've ever seen, I wanted to go up and shake the hand of every girl he'd ever slept with and say "Good for you girl".

It was quite the lunch. Before the championship game on Saturday, we went back to Jay's for some drinks. Obviously, Maya and Claire joined. En route to Jay's, we stopped at the liquor store. There was a wine tasting, the sommelier describing some wines from the Finger Lakes and France.
Maya: Wait, so you're French?
Clearly an Italian Guido: No.
Maya: So these aren't your wines?
Clearly an Italian Guido: I never said these were my wines.

The ACC semi-finals were on back at Jay's, I believe Duke / Maryland.
Maya: Where's this game being played?
Kev: Atlanta
Maya: Where's that?
Kev: Georgia
Maya: Never heard of it.


Claire, Maya - thank you.


  1. This post needs a more noticeable warning.

  2. Well done, Bren.

    I wish someone had a tape recorder rolling because as Burkey said in his email, countless other gems were lost to the alcohol running through our bloodstreams.

  3. I am equal parts stunned, impressed, scared, scarred, jealous.

  4. Are you guys gonna go out regularly and find unfuckable girls for material? If so it would be pretty hard core.

    Trying to say I enjoyed this.

  5. Not sure that was the best picture, so "unfuckable" is a little harsh. And they sort of found us. That said, whatever it takes to keep you Fackers entertained.

    I promise you this post was about 1/10,000th as entertaining as hanging out with them this weekend.

  6. That was incredible. I'm glad Claire said those things and not Maya, being the looker of the crew. I'd like to believe she's stupid, but chaste.

    Can we get the full transcript?

  7. Hahahaha, Amen. Chaste as far as we are concerned...

    Sorry, can't release the full transcript. We are currently in talks with a movie studio.